Confused

[Unsurebutalwaysdiscussing]

Hi,

I met my partner who is pretty much Aussie in the UK. He grew up in different countries of the world and has a head for Australia but heart for the UK I think is safe to say.

I always wanted to have a stint outside the UK and didn’t know where I wanted to be but wanted adventure. I remember working in the UK and looking out the window thinking ‘is this it?’

My MILs family are all based in London and my FILs family are mainly based in Australia. 

Ive been in Perth WA for nearly six years now. I have Australian citizenship and so do my kids. My children were born here and it’s really all they’ve known. We’re very close to my in laws but I sometimes feel I don’t have much of a say because it’s simply just not my family and all families are different. Whilst we often have times of ups and downs as is normal I love them very much. The same can be said for my own family all based in the UK.

I bloody love Perth for my young children. The parks are fantastic and safe and some of them are down right beautiful. I love the lifestyle that we have here. I’ve lost 17kg and kept it off. I’m healthier. I make better decisions for food and exercise and even alcohol consumption and think this has been excellent for me and my health. Australia’s bumped my life ten years ahead financially. We have bought a house that has made profit and we are in a good financial position. Australia has enabled me to not have to work but to raise my kids and we live on one salary. Although we’re fairly frugal we have a good life. My husband finishes work every day around 230. We go on family walks together with our two dogs and I have made a couple of lovely friends here. One of my friends have also just moved here as a returning Australian family so we have that connection. 
 

but………..

coronavirus has made things difficult. I’m one in millions of people who want to see my family in the UK. My daughter has never met my mother. My mother is getting older every day and my father had a kidney transplant that whilst life changing won’t last forever. My parents and brother and sister simply do not know my children. That hurts my soul. So I’m stuck in a mental jam between bit really being done with Australia because of friends and family here but being torn to wanting my family so very much. Being jealous that my partners family know my kids so well whilst mine don’t. Not wanting our work life balance disrupting. Not wanting to sell a house to not be able to buy in the UK. I also think I will eventually get bored of Perth and think it would be be great for an introvert teenager but taking my kids from their beloved grandparents would be so painful too. My partner is happy to move if it’s what I want but I don’t really know what I want and every list I make basically says the financial tie wins because it’s less stressful for us. I also don’t want to move to spend less time with my husband and I would definitely have to find full time employment. Something is missing for me in Australia. It’s been said before that it’s history and what I recognize as growing up with in the UK as to what I’m showing my kids here that’s just alien.

help me I’m confused! 

[Quoll]

Welcome to the world of the mixed marriage! It is what it is and you’re stuck now and probably for the rest of your days will look out of the window and say “is this it?”

Sadly, there isn’t going to be an easy answer and, to a degree, I felt very much as you did for the first 20 years - apart from the weight, I packed it on here, big time.  Having a workaholic DH and two sporty kids didn’t do much for the family time either. But we got to the point that it was easier to stay here than move on. In hindsight I regret not making the decision to move on while we were younger - have another adventure - but it didn’t work out that way.  Are you going to be ok to spend the rest of your days and pop your clogs in Australia? If not then perhaps you need to have just one more adventure.  
 

I will say you are very lucky to have a DH who is prepared to give it a go and move - mine wasn’t ever going to live in U.K. again (he’s Aussie) until 10 years ago yesterday when we arrived in U.K. on holiday and decided pretty much on the spot that we couldn’t leave and needed to stay and support my parents. Best thing we ever did, I lost about 50kg, got fit, saw the country, spent a lot of wonderful time together and cared for a pair of nonagenarian parents. We came back last year at the start of COVID, and it’s “is this all there is?” Again.

Could your DH take a career break, rent out your house and see what happens? Have one last adventure. Then you’d know where you want to be. Either way your kids are going to have grandparents and whichever grandparent doesn’t have them around is going to feel like sh!t but that’s the way it goes, you can't live your life for the grandparents. 

Good luck, whatever you decide isn’t going to be easy.
 

[Johndoe]

If it ain't broken, don't try to fix it.

I have 3 sons back in the UK and two here so I'm always going to be torn, but the two here came as rug rats and as much as I miss the UK and my 3 older boys (they were in the forces when I migrated) my allegiance has to be to my two younger sons. They are Aussie through and through and although they are young adults and make their own decisions. I also have grandchildren here and there. if I were in a situation such as yours, I would try to put all thoughts of a return to the UK to rest.

There have been many posts in the past from returned folk who have said that their friends and in some cases even family had "moved on" and things weren't the same. OTOH, there have also been many happy returnees. Myself, when I get what I call, "the moodies" I remind myself that it's simply the familiarity of my past that I yearn for and that the past is gone and it's the present and future that matter.

[Parley]

You do need to be careful in your decision.

We have had members who were comfortable homeowners here in Australia and decided to move back to the UK. It was quickly found to be a mistake and they came back to Australia. Unfortunately the housing market had moved and they could no longer buy a house and are now resigned to renting for life and worried about their financial future.

So be careful. If your family aren't happy in the UK it might not be a great move.

[Unsurebutalwaysdiscussing]

Thanks for all your replies. I think a trial may be a good option before taking the plunge. I also think being in UK in winter may make a decision for me and the children. It’s a really tough one isn’t it? I am worried we would do it and regret it so definitely know to be careful. I just wish I had a glass ball sometimes!!!

[MacGyver]

11 hours ago, Unsurebutalwaysdiscussing said:

Hi,

I met my partner who is pretty much Aussie in the UK. He grew up in different countries of the world and has a head for Australia but heart for the UK I think is safe to say.

I always wanted to have a stint outside the UK and didn’t know where I wanted to be but wanted adventure. I remember working in the UK and looking out the window thinking ‘is this it?’

My MILs family are all based in London and my FILs family are mainly based in Australia. 

Ive been in Perth WA for nearly six years now. I have Australian citizenship and so do my kids. My children were born here and it’s really all they’ve known. We’re very close to my in laws but I sometimes feel I don’t have much of a say because it’s simply just not my family and all families are different. Whilst we often have times of ups and downs as is normal I love them very much. The same can be said for my own family all based in the UK.

I bloody love Perth for my young children. The parks are fantastic and safe and some of them are down right beautiful. I love the lifestyle that we have here. I’ve lost 17kg and kept it off. I’m healthier. I make better decisions for food and exercise and even alcohol consumption and think this has been excellent for me and my health. Australia’s bumped my life ten years ahead financially. We have bought a house that has made profit and we are in a good financial position. Australia has enabled me to not have to work but to raise my kids and we live on one salary. Although we’re fairly frugal we have a good life. My husband finishes work every day around 230. We go on family walks together with our two dogs and I have made a couple of lovely friends here. One of my friends have also just moved here as a returning Australian family so we have that connection. 
 

but………..

coronavirus has made things difficult. I’m one in millions of people who want to see my family in the UK. My daughter has never met my mother. My mother is getting older every day and my father had a kidney transplant that whilst life changing won’t last forever. My parents and brother and sister simply do not know my children. That hurts my soul. So I’m stuck in a mental jam between bit really being done with Australia because of friends and family here but being torn to wanting my family so very much. Being jealous that my partners family know my kids so well whilst mine don’t. Not wanting our work life balance disrupting. Not wanting to sell a house to not be able to buy in the UK. I also think I will eventually get bored of Perth and think it would be be great for an introvert teenager but taking my kids from their beloved grandparents would be so painful too. My partner is happy to move if it’s what I want but I don’t really know what I want and every list I make basically says the financial tie wins because it’s less stressful for us. I also don’t want to move to spend less time with my husband and I would definitely have to find full time employment. Something is missing for me in Australia. It’s been said before that it’s history and what I recognize as growing up with in the UK as to what I’m showing my kids here that’s just alien.

help me I’m confused! 

I think this is the most important point, you describe a happy life in Perth where your kids and your family are thriving. What you describe at the end sounds like a bout of homesickness to me. I previously moved back to Scotland and left again after less than a year and I know 100% its not the right place for me, but even I have been somewhat homesick during covid because the option to visit if I want to just isnt there. I tend to find a 2 week holiday in winter is more than enough to rid me of any homesickness and think you should try something similar when borders reopen. Go and spend 3 or 4 weeks with your family if you can (perhaps next year), reconnect with them and come back and reassess before making any life changing decisions.

Yes its hard that your parents and sister dont have a close relationship to your children, but without sounding heartless, do your children care? Would they be happier with those relationships and not having the life you describe they already have here? Only you can answer that but as migrants we all struggle with these feelings of looking back with nostalgia and occasionally missing those strong connections we had. Plan an exciting trip to the UK for a family holiday when the borders open, spend time reconnecting, but be cautious of making decisions during a 1 in 100 year pandemic when feelings are running high and homesickness is dominant. If you feel the same after a holiday, perhaps it will clarify things for you.

[Blue Flu]

Absolutely no need to change anything. On your own admission you love how the life has evolved for you living in Perth. The lock down will at some stage be over and travel will return to some sort of normalcy. Give it a year. Unless health factors among family impacting, that time will pass in a flash. 

If and when you arrive at a state where find Perth boring then rethink options, if indeed options remain on the table. A holiday as mentioned should be  the first action when borders permit . An over view of life and preferences may present with greater clarity then.  

[rammygirl]

I do worry that people who have returned to the UK because of COVID travel restrictions may well regret it.  I was talking to an ex pat the other day who was considering it simply because she can’t go and see her UK family at the moment.  I asked how often she normally went…………in 10 years she had been back to the UK twice and none of her family had visited her here (not due to lack of funds as they had been on plenty of overseas holidays to USA and Europe!) .  I think not being able to go had become a big thing in her mind and moving back was the only answer.  Her husband was rolling his eyes so I changed the topic, I doubt they will go but …………..

[Robert Dyson]

On 03/09/2021 at 09:14, rammygirl said:

I do worry that people who have returned to the UK because of COVID travel restrictions may well regret it.  I was talking to an ex pat the other day who was considering it simply because she can’t go and see her UK family at the moment.  I asked how often she normally went…………in 10 years she had been back to the UK twice and none of her family had visited her here (not due to lack of funds as they had been on plenty of overseas holidays to USA and Europe!) .  I think not being able to go had become a big thing in her mind and moving back was the only answer.  Her husband was rolling his eyes so I changed the topic, I doubt they will go but …………..

It's quite an eye-opener to see how telling people that they cannot do something will make them want to do it, even if they would have had no intention of doing it without that challenge being laid down. 

It's how 10 years of gaslighting politicians and newspapers have changed the UK pysche to something very insecure, divisive and reactionary. 

If only somebody would tell them that they cannot drive trucks, cannot harvest their produce, or cannot make good trade deals...maybe they can get food back on supermarket shelves  and beer back in the taps so they can start sorting themselves out.

 

 

[Marisawright]

11 minutes ago, Robert Dyson said:

It's quite an eye-opener to see how telling people that they cannot do something will make them want to do it, even if they would have had no intention of doing it without that challenge being laid down. 

I'm not sure it's anything to do with gaslighting, it's just human nature.  Just look at kids - telling them not to touch something makes them desperate to do it!

I know people who whinged for years because the flat they lived in didn't have a balcony.  Then when they moved to one that did have a balcony, they never used it.  A real estate agent was telling me that people pay a premium to live in a block that has a pool and a gym, but then never use them. We all like to know we have freedoms even if we don't get around to exercising them.

I have also been surprised by the number of people fretting about not being able to see family, when most migrants of my acquaintance are lucky to see their families every 3 or 4 years at the best of times.  I know there are people who travel more frequently but I wonder if they are really so widespread.

[JetBlast]

13 hours ago, Marisawright said:

I have also been surprised by the number of people fretting about not being able to see family, when most migrants of my acquaintance are lucky to see their families every 3 or 4 years at the best of times.  I know there are people who travel more frequently but I wonder if they are really so widespread.

The thing that plays on my mind is not being able to go back incase something happens. Such as someone passing away (or worse about to) etc.

[Marisawright]

1 hour ago, JetBlast said:

The thing that plays on my mind is not being able to go back incase something happens. Such as someone passing away (or worse about to) etc.

Well that's true, but it was always true.  I guess what has happened is, it has made people realise that the "it's only 24 hours away" mantra was always a load of rubbish, even before Covid.

[Quoll]

1 hour ago, JetBlast said:

The thing that plays on my mind is not being able to go back incase something happens. Such as someone passing away (or worse about to) etc.

Hate to say it but in some ways it is easier now - if the government wont let you out then you cant go. My dad died last year and tbh no point in returning for a funeral - he always said not to bother anyway.  At least this way you have a legit reason for not going.

[bug family]

Hi Unsurebutalwaysdiscussing,

I sit in the opposite camp to most on this one, so for balance I thought I would write, I visited home (the U.K.) back in 2019 at Christmas time just before Covid hit,

At that point I had been here in Perth for 8 years or so (came with my wife and little boy, and had a daughter out here..... long story played out on here in part, but we are now splitting up and I am trying to go home) anyhow I  had never been back, one of the reasons for me going back (apart from missing home everyday for 8 years ) was to see if I still wanted to go home for good or if I could 'get it out of my system' as I have been told many times.

For me the trip back cemented where I wanted to be, just going from town to town and seeing the differences in each one, and the food, historic buildings, countryside, culture etc, etc you get the idea...for me rather than 'get it out my system' I knew that I don't belong here, for me (personal opinion) Perth is soul destroying and living in a suburb as I do drains the life out of you and picturing spending the rest of my days here are not an option, so I will be leaving at some stage on my own to try and start all over again, you are possibly in a more favourable position to me in that financially I will leave with very little as I am signing the house over to my wife to ensure my children have a stable future (the house is near the school etc). 

I have sold the idea to my children that I will be going back to setup again, and that it may take a couple of years to get straight and get a mortgage , house etc, but that it is in their interests as they will have the choice of two countries that they can live in and access to Europe, holidays in the Med, cold Christmases, food, history and culture galore.

I think what maybe hits the message home for me more than most on here and indeed generally is the people that I meet in work on a daily basis (a hospital that shall remain nameless), I regularly meet and chat to elderly ex pats from the UK as part of my job, most (not all) but most talk fondly of their country of birth and how they wished to have gone back when they where younger or regret leaving it to long to go back, you can see the sadness in there eyes and hear it in their voice....I do not want to be one of those that regrets not leaving when I am old and grey

Anyhow good luck to you there is no easy or straight forward answer, we are all different and have different lives and place value in different things...for me I will be financially poorer in the UK but in life immeasurably richer ....some things cannot have a price put on them I suppose....... good luck

[Toots]

13 minutes ago, bug family said:

Hi Unsurebutalwaysdiscussing,

I sit in the opposite camp to most on this one, so for balance I thought I would write, I visited home (the U.K.) back in 2019 at Christmas time just before Covid hit,

At that point I had been here in Perth for 8 years or so (came with my wife and little boy, and had a daughter out here..... long story played out on here in part, but we are now splitting up and I am trying to go home) anyhow I  had never been back, one of the reasons for me going back (apart from missing home everyday for 8 years ) was to see if I still wanted to go home for good or if I could 'get it out of my system' as I have been told many times.

For me the trip back cemented where I wanted to be, just going from town to town and seeing the differences in each one, and the food, historic buildings, countryside, culture etc, etc you get the idea...for me rather than 'get it out my system' I knew that I don't belong here, for me (personal opinion) Perth is soul destroying and living in a suburb as I do drains the life out of you and picturing spending the rest of my days here are not an option, so I will be leaving at some stage on my own to try and start all over again, you are possibly in a more favourable position to me in that financially I will leave with very little as I am signing the house over to my wife to ensure my children have a stable future (the house is near the school etc). 

I have sold the idea to my children that I will be going back to setup again, and that it may take a couple of years to get straight and get a mortgage , house etc, but that it is in their interests as they will have the choice of two countries that they can live in and access to Europe, holidays in the Med, cold Christmases, food, history and culture galore.

I think what maybe hits the message home for me more than most on here and indeed generally is the people that I meet in work on a daily basis (a hospital that shall remain nameless), I regularly meet and chat to elderly ex pats from the UK as part of my job, most (not all) but most talk fondly of their country of birth and how they wished to have gone back when they where younger or regret leaving it to long to go back, you can see the sadness in there eyes and hear it in their voice....I do not want to be one of those that regrets not leaving when I am old and grey

Anyhow good luck to you there is no easy or straight forward answer, we are all different and have different lives and place value in different things...for me I will be financially poorer in the UK but in life immeasurably richer ....some things cannot have a price put on them I suppose....... good luck

I know you have been longing to return to Wales and I'm happy for you that you have made the decision to return.  Of course it's sad that it means the end of your marriage but you sound much more cheerful in this post.  Who knows  -  your son and daughter may eventually end up in the UK with you.  

All the best!

[Parley]

38 minutes ago, bug family said:

Hi Unsurebutalwaysdiscussing,

I sit in the opposite camp to most on this one, so for balance I thought I would write, I visited home (the U.K.) back in 2019 at Christmas time just before Covid hit,

At that point I had been here in Perth for 8 years or so (came with my wife and little boy, and had a daughter out here..... long story played out on here in part, but we are now splitting up and I am trying to go home) anyhow I  had never been back, one of the reasons for me going back (apart from missing home everyday for 8 years ) was to see if I still wanted to go home for good or if I could 'get it out of my system' as I have been told many times.

For me the trip back cemented where I wanted to be, just going from town to town and seeing the differences in each one, and the food, historic buildings, countryside, culture etc, etc you get the idea...for me rather than 'get it out my system' I knew that I don't belong here, for me (personal opinion) Perth is soul destroying and living in a suburb as I do drains the life out of you and picturing spending the rest of my days here are not an option, so I will be leaving at some stage on my own to try and start all over again, you are possibly in a more favourable position to me in that financially I will leave with very little as I am signing the house over to my wife to ensure my children have a stable future (the house is near the school etc). 

I have sold the idea to my children that I will be going back to setup again, and that it may take a couple of years to get straight and get a mortgage , house etc, but that it is in their interests as they will have the choice of two countries that they can live in and access to Europe, holidays in the Med, cold Christmases, food, history and culture galore.

I think what maybe hits the message home for me more than most on here and indeed generally is the people that I meet in work on a daily basis (a hospital that shall remain nameless), I regularly meet and chat to elderly ex pats from the UK as part of my job, most (not all) but most talk fondly of their country of birth and how they wished to have gone back when they where younger or regret leaving it to long to go back, you can see the sadness in there eyes and hear it in their voice....I do not want to be one of those that regrets not leaving when I am old and grey

Anyhow good luck to you there is no easy or straight forward answer, we are all different and have different lives and place value in different things...for me I will be financially poorer in the UK but in life immeasurably richer ....some things cannot have a price put on them I suppose....... good luck

Sadly I think your kids will think that you had a choice, stay near them or move away and you made your choice.

It will be tough for your relationships.

[ramot]

1 hour ago, bug family said:

Hi Unsurebutalwaysdiscussing,

I sit in the opposite camp to most on this one, so for balance I thought I would write, I visited home (the U.K.) back in 2019 at Christmas time just before Covid hit,

At that point I had been here in Perth for 8 years or so (came with my wife and little boy, and had a daughter out here..... long story played out on here in part, but we are now splitting up and I am trying to go home) anyhow I  had never been back, one of the reasons for me going back (apart from missing home everyday for 8 years ) was to see if I still wanted to go home for good or if I could 'get it out of my system' as I have been told many times.

For me the trip back cemented where I wanted to be, just going from town to town and seeing the differences in each one, and the food, historic buildings, countryside, culture etc, etc you get the idea...for me rather than 'get it out my system' I knew that I don't belong here, for me (personal opinion) Perth is soul destroying and living in a suburb as I do drains the life out of you and picturing spending the rest of my days here are not an option, so I will be leaving at some stage on my own to try and start all over again, you are possibly in a more favourable position to me in that financially I will leave with very little as I am signing the house over to my wife to ensure my children have a stable future (the house is near the school etc). 

I have sold the idea to my children that I will be going back to setup again, and that it may take a couple of years to get straight and get a mortgage , house etc, but that it is in their interests as they will have the choice of two countries that they can live in and access to Europe, holidays in the Med, cold Christmases, food, history and culture galore.

I think what maybe hits the message home for me more than most on here and indeed generally is the people that I meet in work on a daily basis (a hospital that shall remain nameless), I regularly meet and chat to elderly ex pats from the UK as part of my job, most (not all) but most talk fondly of their country of birth and how they wished to have gone back when they where younger or regret leaving it to long to go back, you can see the sadness in there eyes and hear it in their voice....I do not want to be one of those that regrets not leaving when I am old and grey

Anyhow good luck to you there is no easy or straight forward answer, we are all different and have different lives and place value in different things...for me I will be financially poorer in the UK but in life immeasurably richer ....some things cannot have a price put on them I suppose....... good luck

First of all I really wish you all the best as I know from your posts how unhappy you are,  but I have to tell you, that neither my brother or I ever forgave our father for leaving. We were age about 9 & 11? My brother never spoke to him again for the mess he left us in, and even though he didn’t live far away, I saw him very rarely, and when he remarried, I was definitely not made very welcome by his new wife. Her daughter took priority.

I haven’t written this easily as it brings back old unhappy memories, but wrote it to make you aware that it might happen, but hope it doesn’t. xM

Edited September 5, 2021 by ramot

[rammygirl]

3 hours ago, bug family said:

Hi Unsurebutalwaysdiscussing,

I sit in the opposite camp to most on this one, so for balance I thought I would write, I visited home (the U.K.) back in 2019 at Christmas time just before Covid hit,

At that point I had been here in Perth for 8 years or so (came with my wife and little boy, and had a daughter out here..... long story played out on here in part, but we are now splitting up and I am trying to go home) anyhow I  had never been back, one of the reasons for me going back (apart from missing home everyday for 8 years ) was to see if I still wanted to go home for good or if I could 'get it out of my system' as I have been told many times.

For me the trip back cemented where I wanted to be, just going from town to town and seeing the differences in each one, and the food, historic buildings, countryside, culture etc, etc you get the idea...for me rather than 'get it out my system' I knew that I don't belong here, for me (personal opinion) Perth is soul destroying and living in a suburb as I do drains the life out of you and picturing spending the rest of my days here are not an option, so I will be leaving at some stage on my own to try and start all over again, you are possibly in a more favourable position to me in that financially I will leave with very little as I am signing the house over to my wife to ensure my children have a stable future (the house is near the school etc). 

I have sold the idea to my children that I will be going back to setup again, and that it may take a couple of years to get straight and get a mortgage , house etc, but that it is in their interests as they will have the choice of two countries that they can live in and access to Europe, holidays in the Med, cold Christmases, food, history and culture galore.

I think what maybe hits the message home for me more than most on here and indeed generally is the people that I meet in work on a daily basis (a hospital that shall remain nameless), I regularly meet and chat to elderly ex pats from the UK as part of my job, most (not all) but most talk fondly of their country of birth and how they wished to have gone back when they where younger or regret leaving it to long to go back, you can see the sadness in there eyes and hear it in their voice....I do not want to be one of those that regrets not leaving when I am old and grey

Anyhow good luck to you there is no easy or straight forward answer, we are all different and have different lives and place value in different things...for me I will be financially poorer in the UK but in life immeasurably richer ....some things cannot have a price put on them I suppose....... good luck

I think I would be unhappy in a soulless suburb anywhere. I love where I live in the Adelaide hills and I love my holidays in Asia, plenty of culture there. I do miss Uk and Europe but when I went back I missed Aus!

[tea4too]

23 hours ago, Parley said:

Sadly I think your kids will think that you had a choice, stay near them or move away and you made your choice.

It will be tough for your relationships.

I suspect Bug Family has weighed all of the issues for a considerable time and not reached any decisions lightly. However in general terms it's not necessarily unusual for a parent to spend long periods of time away from their children, often due to work commitments or career choices, but it is not a given that their relationships will automatically fall apart as a direct result. It is possible for parents to work together to ensure children know they are loved and have not been abandoned or forgotten. It may take more time, effort and/or imagination, but Bug Family's earlier posts indicate that he is on amicable terms with the children's mother and that is likely to make a significant difference. T x

[Paul1Perth]

On 04/09/2021 at 19:22, Robert Dyson said:

It's quite an eye-opener to see how telling people that they cannot do something will make them want to do it, even if they would have had no intention of doing it without that challenge being laid down. 

It's how 10 years of gaslighting politicians and newspapers have changed the UK pysche to something very insecure, divisive and reactionary. 

If only somebody would tell them that they cannot drive trucks, cannot harvest their produce, or cannot make good trade deals...maybe they can get food back on supermarket shelves  and beer back in the taps so they can start sorting themselves out.

 

 

Is there a shortage of things. Not heard that from our families over there.

[Paul1Perth]

On 05/09/2021 at 09:03, JetBlast said:

The thing that plays on my mind is not being able to go back incase something happens. Such as someone passing away (or worse about to) etc.

What can you do if you're closer? They are still going to die and you're still going to feel bad.

Only dfference for me was it took longer to get back for funerals. 

If covid had been here I would have missed funerals, saved on plane fares but would have still got over it.

[Paul1Perth]

On 05/09/2021 at 16:28, Parley said:

Sadly I think your kids will think that you had a choice, stay near them or move away and you made your choice.

It will be tough for your relationships.

Who kows what the kids will think? In a few years they might see it as a big chance to have a cheap European holiday.

My eldest had a ball staying with his Grandad and flying to European destinations, using his Grandads place as a base.

Might work out just fine.

[JetBlast]

2 hours ago, Paul1Perth said:

What can you do if you're closer? They are still going to die and you're still going to feel bad.

I would get to see them one last time. Not necessarily on a death bed but see them as I want to remember them. 
 

I also missed a friends wedding. Something I would like have very much to attend. 

[ramot]

5 hours ago, tea4too said:

I suspect Bug Family has weighed all of the issues for a considerable time and not reached any decisions lightly. However in general terms it's not necessarily unusual for a parent to spend long periods of time away from their children, often due to work commitments or career choices, but it is not a given that their relationships will automatically fall apart as a direct result. It is possible for parents to work together to ensure children know they are loved and have not been abandoned or forgotten. It may take more time, effort and/or imagination, but Bug Family's earlier posts indicate that he is on amicable terms with the children's mother and that is likely to make a significant difference. T x

My husband has probably spent nearly half our married life away while our children were growing up, so I  have experience of that, I don’t know the age of the posters children? how confident they will be travelling long haul on their own, or as unaccompanied minors? My daughter had to do that from age 13, for her school holidays as we were then expats, she was very used to flying with us but she didn’t find it easy when on her own. and I worried myself silly every time, and the tears she shed when she had to fly back were very hard to cope with. 

Yes we as a family coped, because we had to, and of course our children knew they were loved, but they missed their father, and  my husband missed many important milestones while they were growing up. That isn’t easy to cope with. 

The OP knows I am sympathetic to how homesick he is, and that he hasn’t taken his decision lightly, and I really hope it all works out for him, but having lived both with my husband working away from home and also with him on the other side of the world away from our children, I wish him well as it won’t be easy.

Edited September 6, 2021 by ramot

[Paul1Perth]

On 06/09/2021 at 20:23, JetBlast said:

I would get to see them one last time. Not necessarily on a death bed but see them as I want to remember them. 
 

I also missed a friends wedding. Something I would like have very much to attend. 

I got back to the UK after my Dad died. He had a heart attack so died very quickly. He was at the undertakers, in the coffin and I went along with my sister. They asked if I wanted to see him but I felt I'd rather remember him alive and didn't go in. My sis went and said he just looked like he was asleep, happy with my choice though.