Leaving the grandparents behind

[Tara]

I know this is a tricky subject but just looking for some words of wisdom on how to make our move easier on my parents. We are due to move in September, leaving my father and his wife here in the UK. I am an only child and my children are the only grandchildren he and his wife have (she never had kids). They are devestated by our move, and have both had emotional breakdowns over it. I’ve had the “you’re making a mistake” chat, the “how can you do this to us” chat, the “we’re getting old and sick” chat and more emotional blackmail that I thought them capable of. They adore the kids and have a great relationship but I truly feel that the move is in the best interests of our immediate family. Of course I am saddened by the prospect of leaving my dad behind but the more they battle against our decision, the crosser I get! Does anyone have any words of wisdom on how I could make them understand or make it easier for them? Thanks in advance

[Tulip1]

You need to stand firm if it's what you want to do. They do not own you and whilst it's clear their actions are coming from their huge sadness they are being selfish saying these things to you. They are thinking of themselves  and the effect it will have on them.  You have your own life to live and as your parent, your happiness should come miles before theirs. They can cry buckets when you're not there but they must respect your decision and try and at least pretend to be happy for you. Tell then you love them but you've made your mind up and the things they're saying have to stop, you do not want to hear them anymore. Next time they start on with the emotional blackmail (I cannot ever imagine saying to my kids I'm getting old and sick and how can you do this to me etc) just say stop right now or I'm off and follow it through.  

Edited April 30, 2018 by Tulip1

[newjez]

1 hour ago, Tulip1 said:

You need to stand firm if it's what you want to do. They do not own you and whilst it's clear their actions are coming from their huge sadness they are being selfish saying these things to you. They are thinking of themselves  and the effect it will have on them.  You have your own life to live and as your parent, your happiness should come miles before theirs. They can cry buckets when you're not there but they must respect your decision and try and at least pretend to be happy for you. Tell then you love them but you've made your mind up and the things they're saying have to stop, you do not want to hear them anymore. Next time they start on with the emotional blackmail (I cannot ever imagine saying to my kids I'm getting old and sick and how can you do this to me etc) just say stop right now or I'm off and follow it through.  

That's a bit harsh isn't it?

[VERYSTORMY]

I notice you say in other posts, you are going because of husbands work. What visa are you going on?

[Bobj]

46 minutes ago, newjez said:

That's a bit harsh isn't it?

I don't see that as 'harsh'.  Sooner, or later, we must make our own way in life; opportunities and all that.

Cheers, Bobj.

 

[Quoll]

You can’t make them understand, they’re grieving for their enormous loss. The best you can do is to tell them that this is something that you want to do (for God’s sake, don’t tell them it will be better for the kids, it won’t be “better” to take them away from a loving extended family) it’s a better opportunity for your DH, it’s an adventure etc. You don’t know that you’re going to be there forever and that you commit to bringing the kids back regularly for holidays (and though that is expensive and an onerous commitment it’s your responsibility as you are the leaver).

Of course it sucks when they play the emotional blackmail card but grief makes you do and say weird things. But if you want to be a successful migrant you have to be  selfish and self sufficient. If you let what other people say or do get under your skin then you’ll struggle.

I say this as an only child who did the same to my parents and as someone who left my grandkids to care for my parents and had one kid who did much the same to us (but we have 2 kids).  It’s your life to do with as you want. However, as an only child you’re going to have to have a bit of a plan and a half decent bank balance to cope with “the call” if and when you get it. 

[Bulya]

2 hours ago, newjez said:

That's a bit harsh isn't it?

No it’s reality.  Move or stay home, don’t bloody whinge about it!

[LKC]

I agree with Quoll.  You can't really make it easier for them (nor for you, don't underestimate how much the guilt can eat away at you).  You do have to be a little bit selfish to move away, and you have to put your own interests first, even if that means hurting other people.  Travelling back is expensive, in terms of actual cost, cost on holiday time, cost on emotions and the stresses involved.  We only managed it twice in almost nine years, and on the second visit, which happened a year before we moved back, I was already ready to come home, in part because it was too hard to visit.

That said, we did it, and although we are back in the UK now, I don't regret our time in Australia for a second.  We've always lived away from family, and we are quite independent, so the actual moving part wasn't too much of a wrench.  However, MIL had a breast cancer scare after we'd been there for about seven years, and that made us realise that it was harder to be away than we thought it would be.  As Quoll says, you need a contingency, and you need to consider what might happen in the future and who might need you.  And have a contingency in place.

[CeltInCaulfield]

I had to put up with a bit of this nonsense, myself.  Apparently, while it's okay for the relatives who start complaining that they'll never see you to go here, there, and everywhere, as soon as you risk taking their 'cherished' sister away, you're some sort of demon.  Amusingly, we haven't heard hide nor hair from them in almost five months, now - not even a Christmas card.  And not for want of trying.  The wife was sending regular correspondence to all of her family.

I don't think what was said earlier was harsh.  But I'll probably be told that this is.  My advice?  Tell them to put up or shut up.  As others have said, this is your life, you get one crack at it, and it's nothing other than childish to use emotional blackmail on grown adults.

Best of luck to you!

[Marisawright]

What Quoll said.  

One of the difficulties of life is that while children are fond of their parents, they never feel the same intense affection that a parent does.   And if their parents are typical, undemonstrative British parents, the children may be completely unaware how deep their feelings run.  

Ask yourself, how would you feel if someone was taking your daughter to Australia?   I know you're going to say, "but she's only a toddler, that's different."  It's not different.  Parents always feel like that when their child leaves, no matter how old they get.  

As someone who never had kids, I was completely unaware of that until I got to my fifties and started seeing my friends become "empty nesters".   I was shocked how devastated these mothers were, more so than if they'd lost their husband!   Most of them hid their grief from their children because "you have to let them spread their wings", but it didn't change their grief.

 Some parents feel it more deeply than others, and some parents cope with it much better than others.  It sounds like your parents aren't coping well.  So, any time you feel like getting annoyed, remember to imagine how you'd feel if your daughter went away, and that might help you be more understanding. 

[ramot]

 families are all different. Some like ours have moved lots, lived independently from each other and all had full lives. I am an overseas grandmother, but it doesn't upset me, it's life.

Other families perhaps have always lived near each other, see each other all the time, and rely more on the family. Have regular contact with their grandchildren.

It can be a real shock for parents to be told that their children and family are emigrating, perhaps it's outside their comprehension, have they been told from the beginning and aware of it happening and having time to try to accept and understand? or told for the first time when the visa is through.

Depending on your lifestyle and attitude to life, I can understand that people when they get older, assume if they see their family and grandchildren regularly never think that this lovely life will change, so it can come as an enormous shock to have their cosy world turned upside down. Your parents are hurting, so kindness and understanding is needed from both of you.

I don't have any answers, but it's a good idea to start making plans for either a trip back to see the parents or for them to visit you to be part of your new lives, this can lesson the upset. Seen so many posts like this over the years, including stories of unhappy parents who have started visiting and ending up enjoying their visits. If you can afford to help with the cost of fares offer that if it helps.

Hope things get better.

[newjez]

Personally, I think if you don't move with your families blessings then you are doomed to failure. If it's only a temporary thing then fine. Otherwise, there's enough wrong with Australia that any wedges that you travel with will just get bigger.

I'd have a good think about why you are doing this.

[Booma]

That must be so awful for you. I know your father and his wife are upset but they don't seem to be considering what you and your little family want at all. It's all about what they want and they seem very controlling. I would tell them if they don't stop trying to emotionally blackmail you that you won't be able to see them again before you go because it's to upsetting. 

Its a really horrible thing they are doing to you and them being upset isn't a good enough excuse. My parents were sad I was moving but they would never put what they want above what I want. I also don't agree with what some others have said about it being up to you to think about your father and his wife's care later on or that you have to make sure you do visits etc. Family is important to me but I was raised to believe parents are responsible for there children and not the other way around. Your husband and children are your main priority now and don't let anyone tell you any different or make you feel bad for the choices you make. 

 

 

[Guest]

I doubt you can make them understand it from your POV. They are who they are and feel this way and are doing as they are doing. 

I'm an only child and my son, my parents only grandchild. Thankfully (and perhaps not that you'll want to hear it) they were fully supportive of our move and the reasons why. That I am married to an Aussie perhaps made it something that they were always aware was a possibility. I'd have gone with or without their support of the move. It was something we as a family wanted to do, felt was right for us and planned for. 

I agree with some of what Quoll has said. I think to be a successful migrant you need a big dollop of selfishness, resilience and a thick skin to what may be said or thought by your loved ones.  

I don't however hold with being the one to go back for holidays and so on as you are the one doing the leaving. If you are wanting to, can afford to and it fits in with things, then of course pop back for a holiday now and again. But not everyone can or wants to fork out for an annual or bi annual trip to the homeland and forgoing other holidays elsewhere and other things. I also don't think it helps with settling in and adjusting to a life overseas if you are constantly being pulled back because of an obligation or promise made when put under stress by loved ones. 

I also think those who are used to living away from their parents and family, who perhaps don't see them for extended periods of time anyways make a better go at migrating than those who spend a fair chunk of time or often see their parents/grandparents and other family members. You can be close to your parents but still live some distance from them and see them less often.

I lived overseas a fair while in my 20's and didn't see my family for a number of years and was fine. Moved back to the UK and moved a long way away from where most of them lived so saw them only a few times a year. And now, many years later I'm in Australia and am fine with not seeing them for a number of years at a time. It is what it is, I don't dwell on it, feel sorry about it or struggle because of it. I've accepted that something may happen to my parents and if so, I'm prepared to make the flight back. And I've talked to my husband about if it needed to be for a bit more of an extended period and we've agreed I would go if it was what we all felt was best. However, I'd not be spending months on end there. I have a life here and honestly, I love my parents but both of them are the first to say they didn't have me so as to have someone to care for them in their old age. My mother has always been independent and valued that I went out and did my own thing as she did. Perhaps I am lucky they feel like this, perhaps not. We will not know until we know. 

I think you perhaps need to accept how it may be and carry on and make your plans for your move if its what you truly want for you and your family and your husband is on the same page with it all. And if you've not gotten one yet, get a thick skin and toughen up to what lies ahead as migrating is a huge thing, even with supportive parents. You'll face some tough times ahead in making the move and perhaps question why on earth you did it but if its what you want and you can see that those early weeks, months and perhaps years are going to be worth it, plough on and good luck to you. 

 

 

 

 

[Toots]

I feel so lucky my Mum didn't put me or my brother and sister through the whole guilt thing.  The three of us all lived and worked overseas though my sister who worked for the foreign office came back to London regularly after overseas postings.  Mum was on her own as Dad died before any of us travelled.  I think it helped that she had a good circle of friends and a very active social life.  Also both my parents had family who migrated over the years to the USA, Canada and NZ so it wasn't a huge drama when it came to us moving away.

[newjez]

53 minutes ago, snifter said:

I doubt you can make them understand it from your POV. They are who they are and feel this way and are doing as they are doing. 

I'm an only child and my son, my parents only grandchild. Thankfully (and perhaps not that you'll want to hear it) they were fully supportive of our move and the reasons why. That I am married to an Aussie perhaps made it something that they were always aware was a possibility. I'd have gone with or without their support of the move. It was something we as a family wanted to do, felt was right for us and planned for. 

I agree with some of what Quoll has said. I think to be a successful migrant you need a big dollop of selfishness, resilience and a thick skin to what may be said or thought by your loved ones.  

I don't however hold with being the one to go back for holidays and so on as you are the one doing the leaving. If you are wanting to, can afford to and it fits in with things, then of course pop back for a holiday now and again. But not everyone can or wants to fork out for an annual or bi annual trip to the homeland and forgoing other holidays elsewhere and other things. I also don't think it helps with settling in and adjusting to a life overseas if you are constantly being pulled back because of an obligation or promise made when put under stress by loved ones. 

I also think those who are used to living away from their parents and family, who perhaps don't see them for extended periods of time anyways make a better go at migrating than those who spend a fair chunk of time or often see their parents/grandparents and other family members. You can be close to your parents but still live some distance from them and see them less often.

I lived overseas a fair while in my 20's and didn't see my family for a number of years and was fine. Moved back to the UK and moved a long way away from where most of them lived so saw them only a few times a year. And now, many years later I'm in Australia and am fine with not seeing them for a number of years at a time. It is what it is, I don't dwell on it, feel sorry about it or struggle because of it. I've accepted that something may happen to my parents and if so, I'm prepared to make the flight back. And I've talked to my husband about if it needed to be for a bit more of an extended period and we've agreed I would go if it was what we all felt was best. However, I'd not be spending months on end there. I have a life here and honestly, I love my parents but both of them are the first to say they didn't have me so as to have someone to care for them in their old age. My mother has always been independent and valued that I went out and did my own thing as she did. Perhaps I am lucky they feel like this, perhaps not. We will not know until we know. 

I think you perhaps need to accept how it may be and carry on and make your plans for your move if its what you truly want for you and your family and your husband is on the same page with it all. And if you've not gotten one yet, get a thick skin and toughen up to what lies ahead as migrating is a huge thing, even with supportive parents. You'll face some tough times ahead in making the move and perhaps question why on earth you did it but if its what you want and you can see that those early weeks, months and perhaps years are going to be worth it, plough on and good luck to you. 

 

 

 

 

I'm in a similar situation. I'm an Aussie who married a pom. I can't help but upset one side, and I have to wear the guilt. But I wouldn't willingly inflict that pain upon myself or my family. Migration is hard enough as it is. If it's temporary then fair enough. If it's for keeps, then I would consider why you are doing it. 

[newjez]

15 hours ago, Tara said:

I know this is a tricky subject but just looking for some words of wisdom on how to make our move easier on my parents. We are due to move in September, leaving my father and his wife here in the UK. I am an only child and my children are the only grandchildren he and his wife have (she never had kids). They are devestated by our move, and have both had emotional breakdowns over it. I’ve had the “you’re making a mistake” chat, the “how can you do this to us” chat, the “we’re getting old and sick” chat and more emotional blackmail that I thought them capable of. They adore the kids and have a great relationship but I truly feel that the move is in the best interests of our immediate family. Of course I am saddened by the prospect of leaving my dad behind but the more they battle against our decision, the crosser I get! Does anyone have any words of wisdom on how I could make them understand or make it easier for them? Thanks in advance

You don't mention your partner's parents? Is he on good terms with them, and do you have their blessings? Does your partner have siblings with children?

[Parley]

8 hours ago, newjez said:

Personally, I think if you don't move with your families blessings then you are doomed to failure. If it's only a temporary thing then fine. Otherwise, there's enough wrong with Australia that any wedges that you travel with will just get bigger.

I'd have a good think about why you are doing this.

I think there would be worse resentment if you had your heart set on moving and didn't end up going because of a massive guilt trip laid on by your parents.

You would resent them just as much in that situation.

Better to follow your heart and go, and then if you end up returning 5 or 10 years both sides are happier about it

[newjez]

34 minutes ago, Parley said:

I think there would be worse resentment if you had your heart set on moving and didn't end up going because of a massive guilt trip laid on by your parents.

You would resent them just as much in that situation.

Better to follow your heart and go, and then if you end up returning 5 or 10 years both sides are happier about it

Well, unless they die in the meantime

[ali]

We thought long and hard about moving as I was very close to my dad and there was no-one else (my brother already lived in Aus).  He adored our children, we'd spend the weekend there about once every 4-6 weeks.  My dad was sad but supportive of our going, he'd had the opportunity before I was born to go and work abroad, my mother wouldn't go (as she didn't want to leave her mother) and my dad said the opportunity never came around again for him and he did often think of "what if".  So whilst sad at our going, he gave us his blessing and visited us every couple of years - he loved the holiday, spending time in WA and QLD.  He enjoyed seeing his children and grandchildren happy - we spoke regularly and the kids were always sending him stuff - pictures, postcards etc.,

People say you have to be a bit selfish which I think is true, but as a parent, I hope if I'm ever faced with a similar scenario I'll be as supportive as my dad was for us - he'd taught me to be independent to make decisions (good or bad) and he'd be there if things didn't go according to plan.

Perhaps sit down with your parents - acknowledge that they're grieving in a sense but that you have your own family and future and it's something you want to try, and that you don't want your relationship with them or theirs with your children to be totally damaged

[starlight7]

I would stress that they can come and visit and that you will also visit them from time to time.  I was in the same position as you once, being an only child.  It is hard, no doubt about it and it doesn't get easier when they become old and frail. Make sure you tell them that you will phone a lot and use facetime and email or write a lot.  We used to send tapes over a lot in the old days before they had all these things and they used to send tapes of the family back to us. When they visited they would come for at least 6-8 weeks and that helped. 

[Tara]

17 hours ago, VERYSTORMY said:

I notice you say in other posts, you are going because of husbands work. What visa are you going on?

We have dual citizenship so no need for visas fortunately 

[Tara]

6 hours ago, newjez said:

You don't mention your partner's parents? Is he on good terms with them, and do you have their blessings? Does your partner have siblings with children?

It’s a complicated situation, my husband is a kiwi, all his family are in NZ and have made do with the weekly FaceTime since our kids were born. My mother (who died long time ago) was Aussie, hence the connection- I have aunts, uncles and my own grandparents still kicking around in Victoria. So the Aussie and NZ contingent want us in the Southern Hemisphere. Put simply, in the Uk is grandpa, in Aus/Nz is grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins

[Tara]

3 hours ago, newjez said:

Well, unless they die in the meantime

Or (and I’ve thought of this too) we stay to make them happy, my father dies and then we’re stuck in the Uk looking after his wife who is completely emotionally dependent on him and is already! 

[Tara]

11 hours ago, newjez said:

Personally, I think if you don't move with your families blessings then you are doomed to failure. If it's only a temporary thing then fine. Otherwise, there's enough wrong with Australia that any wedges that you travel with will just get bigger.

I'd have a good think about why you are doing this.

Husband had a very typical kiwi upbringing and as there is no opportunity to go to NZ, I guess we are hoping that Aus would provide some of that for our children, although I know there are some very obvious differences between life in Aus and NZ. I’m curious about your experience- what do you think is wrong with Australia?