Leaving the grandparents behind

[tea4too]

You are contemplating an adventure, a new chapter in your life that is exciting and maybe a little scary at the same time. The grandparents on the other hand face a completely different future to the one they anticipated, however the huge difference in your situations is choice. You have it, the grandparents don’t, and because of that they feel vulnerable and anxious.  I tend to agree with Quoll that people left behind often face emotions akin to bereavement and in those circumstances it’s not always easy to be logical, sensible or even fair.

But, personally, as you are in the driving seat I think you can afford to be magnanimous. Acknowledge how hard this is for them and maybe soften some of the impact by talking about it in terms of the next stage of your life, rather than the final chapter. Explain it as something you need to do, something your family wants to experience. None of us know what the future holds - we can only make decisions based on the opportunities that come our way and our courage to take them. And while they may not want to hear that this is an opportunity that you will regret if you simply let it pass by, on some level they will eventually understand, because they love you. Just be prepared for it to take time. T x

[Longziggy]

Hi Tara,

I am in a very similar situation, but my mother has terminal cancer, which means she  also cant fly to visit us in Australia. I have to accept that no one will visit us, once we move.

By making this move we have to understand that we will be breaking hearts, by taking the grandchildren away. Be kind and let them mourn and listen to the emotional blackmail. But don't let it get you down, it's your life!

HOWEVER! I have already lived in Australia previously for 6 years before i had kids, with my husband. It is an amazing place for family's. the life style is great, healthy and the employers value work life balance. I am making this hard decision based on previous knowledge and experience. I know it will be worth the heart ache, as  my family will have a great life in Australia.

If you don't like it you don't have to stay in Australia.

[Tulip1]

22 hours ago, newjez said:

That's a bit harsh isn't it?

I don't think so. Despite many thinking it's not a better live for kids in Australia (me included) the fact is this poster has made a decision to move to Australia and believes it will be a better life for her family. It is understandable that her parents are devastated but it's wrong they should be putting all this emotional blackmail on her. It's clearly upsetting her and I personably couldn't sleep at night if I thought I was doing that to my kids by going on and on about a choice they were making. She will get it for ever unless she says enough now. They need to be happy for her even if they shed a tear when she's not about.  

[Ferrets]

5 hours ago, Tara said:

It’s a complicated situation, my husband is a kiwi, all his family are in NZ and have made do with the weekly FaceTime since our kids were born. My mother (who died long time ago) was Aussie, hence the connection- I have aunts, uncles and my own grandparents still kicking around in Victoria. So the Aussie and NZ contingent want us in the Southern Hemisphere. Put simply, in the Uk is grandpa, in Aus/Nz is grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins

FWIW I think that as an Australian citizen with a Kiwi husband it must have been fairly obvious that such a move wasn't unexpected.  It will still be difficult but not really a bolt out of the blue!  Would they consider joining you on a parent visa if there is no other immediate family?

My parents were pressured not to migrate many years ago due to one parent being an only child, and I think there is still a lot of regret that they didn't. 

[newjez]

6 hours ago, Tara said:

Husband had a very typical kiwi upbringing and as there is no opportunity to go to NZ, I guess we are hoping that Aus would provide some of that for our children, although I know there are some very obvious differences between life in Aus and NZ. I’m curious about your experience- what do you think is wrong with Australia?

Nothing is wrong with Australia that isn't wrong everywhere. It's a place. No better or worse than the UK. Makes sense that your husband is a kiwi though. It seems to be you making the sacrifices.

[newjez]

6 hours ago, Tara said:

It’s a complicated situation, my husband is a kiwi, all his family are in NZ and have made do with the weekly FaceTime since our kids were born. My mother (who died long time ago) was Aussie, hence the connection- I have aunts, uncles and my own grandparents still kicking around in Victoria. So the Aussie and NZ contingent want us in the Southern Hemisphere. Put simply, in the Uk is grandpa, in Aus/Nz is grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins

No chance of taking your father with you?

[CeltInCaulfield]

Aye, there's a grand idea. All the easier to be lumbered with the over emotionally dependent stepmother for the rest of their lives down under?

You shift the father and he (or his wife) ends up hating it, think you might find more of a problem than your perceived hell that would come to pass for anyone who moves without their family's blessing...

[Marisawright]

7 hours ago, tea4too said:

You are contemplating an adventure, a new chapter in your life that is exciting and maybe a little scary at the same time. The grandparents on the other hand face a completely different future to the one they anticipated, however the huge difference in your situations is choice. You have it, the grandparents don’t, and because of that they feel vulnerable and anxious.  I tend to agree with Quoll that people left behind often face emotions akin to bereavement

Exactly this.

[Marisawright]

8 hours ago, Tara said:

Husband had a very typical kiwi upbringing and as there is no opportunity to go to NZ, I guess we are hoping that Aus would provide some of that for our children, although I know there are some very obvious differences between life in Aus and NZ. I’m curious about your experience- what do you think is wrong with Australia?

It's not that there's anything wrong with Australia.   It is a different culture and lifestyle and you will either love it or hate it.    Let's face it, every migrant goes to Australia expecting to love it, but you only have to look around these forums to find people who didn't!   And the most common reason is missing family.  

Successful migrants are people like me, who were never that close to their family even in the UK.  People who spend their lives immersed in a very close family unit where they see each other every week, probably aren't suited to migration because the hole it leaves in their lives can't be filled.

I think Newjez was assuming your family was one of those close-knit ones and your feelings of loss, combined with constant reminders from your parents of how much they're missing you, could ruin your chances of feeling happy and settled in Australia, even if you do like the place.  

[s713]

I do feel sorry for your parents. We moved to Australia to follow the wife's family (all of them) not to chase a dream or a better lifestyle. Over the course of 5 or 6 years, her Mum, 3 sisters, brother and cousins all moved here. The last to move was her youngest sister who lived with us for the 6 months immediately prior to emigrating, with her young baby. Their leaving was totally akin to a death in the family and no amount of emails or Skypes makes up for it.

I'm not saying that people shouldn't emigrate but they should recognise that, in doing so, whilst plenty of new doors might open, some existing ones might be closed for ever, or at least never be the same again.

I know I can't stay in Oz forever, my Mum is 70 and will need me at some point. So, I'll have to pack up and go back. Just the way it is, might come back after the worst, might not. Am sure some guilt will present itself along the way.

[Marisawright]

9 hours ago, Longziggy said:

If you don't like it you don't have to stay in Australia.

In this particular case, I agree - because the OP is getting support from her husband's company to help pay for the relocation.

However I think it's dangerous advice for many migrants we see on these forums, who are often using their life savings to finance the move.    If they "don't like it" and want to move home  again, it may take them years to escape.   If they do have the money to move back, they find themselves back where they started at least £50,000 poorer. For some people, that may not be a lot of money, but for many families, that would represent a huge loss and have a major impact on the home and lifestyle they could afford.

[CeltInCaulfield]

Quite agree - the number of people who jump in blindly and spend a small fortune to move to something they have no idea about is mind-boggling.

[Deecee13]

Dear Tara, 

I am in exactly the same situation except I am not an only child, just the elder one and mother of his only grandchikdren. My Dad gave me all the emotional blackmail too.

We have been in Australia for 6 years now. The animosity has died down and he has quietly accepted the situation. 

What has happened though is that we don't talk to him about Australia. We chat on the phone as if I'm still just a few miles down the road! His choice! If I mention anything that indicates we live here, he quickly changes the subject. He refuses to visit; not even for his only granddaughters wedding! 

I go back every year, on my own, for 3 weeks. More for my sake then his. People grow old and I don't want any regrets. I have several family members and  close friends I do want to see. Again we don't really talk about Australia. He asks after my husband, but shows little interest in the family.

He's is not interested in my problems. The only advice  he ever offers is ' why don't you come home?' he won't use Skype or messenger, won't use social media, and doesn't like email. So, we are reduced to monthly phone calls and an annual visit, where I stay with friends and visit him a few times for overnighters.

At the end of the day it is his loss. The world is a smaller place now, as you will discover once you have been here for a while. You are an adult and any parent should be proud of a child who grows up to be a strong and independent person like you and I. All parents have to watch their children do things they don't like or don't want. That's parenting for you. I am a little older than you, my children are now adults and my son has chosen to live in the UK for now, but, like I say, FOR NOW! Life is a journey, nothing stays the same. I give my children unconditional love to follow their hearts and their dreams. It is sad that some parents can't do the same :-(

Good luck. Enjoy the ride. The PomsinOz I've met are fun, like-minded people, with get up and go, literally! No regrets. If our Dad's can't be proud of that, they've missed so much of what being a parent really means

Dx

[can1983]

We moved 6 months ago, me and aussie wife

My sister moves with her aussie husband in 2 months

so all our parents children and grandchildren are in oz

my mother has recently lost her father too

it can be a tough time for grandparents, but we don't have children to have them hang around in the same village all their lives do we? I imagine our children will go off and do their own thing one day. All have multiple passports....

[Tootsie]

On 01/05/2018 at 01:11, Tara said:

 Does anyone have any words of wisdom on how I could make them understand or make it easier for them?

Well you are only moving to Australia. It is only a 24 hour flight away. You are hardly moving to the moon. The kids can SKYPE. Your parents could come out and visit and versa visa. I know of a few people who had this situation. And the parents came out to visit, loved the place and moved here permanently too. I can understand the initial upset and shock. But emotional blackmail is taking things too far, and is very selfish of them. Maybe tell them you are just moving for 6 - 12 months, as that would be more manageable than them thinking it was a forever move.