Fisher1 Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 I can understand your frustration if they don't put their hands in their pockets at all, but are you sure they are as well heeled as you think? People can be very good at hiding financial difficulties in the short term. I really hate reading "rellie" posts which invariably contain some tale of woe about freeloading / non helping / generally tight fisted visitors. These posts are then jumped on by others much given to virtual nods about the desperate antics of visiting (usually) in-laws. The reason I hate to read these posts is because although I don't doubt their truth, there are many relatives who visit and expect very little in the way of hospitality. As I have mentioned before on similar posts, plenty of visiting parents shell out for flights and thengive plenty in the way of treats and trips. But the cash flow isn't always that great. We had one two month stay when the pound had dropped alarmingly (sound familiar?) between booking and arriving, and we dealt with the shortfall by buying a flask and taking picnics every time we were on our own. Nothing wrong with that esp. If picnics for lunch mean dinner out. We always stay a long time, at least two months, but never stay longer than two weeks with our daughter because we think that would be inconsiderate. We have washed, cleaned, ironed, babysat AND payed for meals out and groceries. So can I just say once again for the record ... We aren't all tarred with the same brush. And even the meanies have coughed up a couple of thousand for air tickets. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 To be fair the pound is so weak everything probably feels ridiculously expensive especially in Perth where dining costs are expensive even to us East coasters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest241083 Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 ............re the grandparents.....! ............to the children wether they give cheap or expensive.... .............they will love their grandparents.... .............wether we get on or not..... .............the children see them through different eyes..... .............let the children enjoy their gifts.... ..............be children ..... ..............too soon we see the faults in others..... ..............one of the wonders of childhood......is they don't..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 (edited) First off I sympathise with the OP, and understood the intended tone. What I want to know is where do we go wrong? We visit UK almost every year for 2/3 months, as our son and only grandchildren are there. We obviously pay our air fares, we don't stay with them, small house, but also know family, friends and fish go off after 3 days. We rent, hire a car, spend a fortune because my husband always seems to put his hand in his pocket first. Have taken them to Centre Parks, another similar place in Wales, and Majorca last year. Paid for them to come to Oz for other son's wedding. Don't really begrudge a penny, but it is one sided. Sometimes wonder if it's slight pay back because we moved to the other side of the world and our other 2 followed us, and see more of us? This is also written slightly tongue in cheek, just to balance that both generations can behave the same. Edited November 12, 2016 by ramot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 That sucks that they didnt put their hands in their pockets, must be annoying. I wouldn't throw away the clothes though - its the thought that counts and surely they would still last a while. If not then hand them into a charity shop or something, some kids cant even afford to get cheap stuff. I bought clothes from target and kmart, some are fine I bought most of my lads clothes in Target when they were small and they lasted very well. The younger one got the hand me downs from his brother and they were still in good nick. Found K Mart not so good. My Mum and sister used to send them clothes from M&S. That was a real treat. Used to buy from Mothercare too but didn't like their stuff so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 Most of family/friends who stayed with us over the years were a joy to have in the house. Except for a couple of backpacker types I can't remember feeling put upon. When I went back to the UK I stayed at Mum's house but wouldn't have dreamt of taking advantage. Filled her car every time we would use it - shopped for and cooked most meals. Since she died, I stay with friends/sister/sister in law. No stress, no hassle - just muck in with everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 I miss my family, then when they stay I wish they were gone and when they're gone I miss them again, curse of the migrant I suppose, also a family visit is usually for a few hours when you haven't migrated, not weeks or months. Not enough time to get on each others nerves :laugh: We go back to the UK, we pay for everything. They come here, we pay for everything even flights sometimes. Penalty for migrating I suppose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragonflygecko Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 3 weeks and to only spend $100 is a bit drastic, but they have however spent a fortune to fly 24hours across the world to see their son, grandchild, and you. I would not expect them to be buying their grandchild clothes from Myer and being angry they didn't. There is nothing wrong with Primark clothing for kids, some of it is actually very nice now and the quality has improved in recent years. Babies and toddlers come into my nursery wearing Ted Baker leggings and Burberry jumpers etc.. let me tell you they get destroyed in seconds and we just have to laugh. Why spend so much money on these clothes for everyday wear! I think it's really sad you throw away the clothes that family send you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 (edited) Wow, hope they don't read this forum! I have to say I wish my parents weren't too old to visit us now - I would happily pay for everything for them if they put themselves out to do that horrendous flight again to see us and their grandchildren (which they did for many years I have to say). Your parents brought you up. Or in the case of your in-laws, brought your other half up. Did they begrudge every penny spent on your (or his/her) meals/clothes/holidays then? I can understand someone getting a bit annoyed with friends - or even siblings - taking hospitality for granted, but parents? Never. They've earnt a little bit of payback over the years surely? As for kid's clothes - one of the things we liked most about Australia was how the kids and teens didn't have this need always to wear designer and named clothing brands, and how you couldn't tell who the richest people were by checking out their cars, and their kids' clothes. It is - or was - a very British thing, this fascination with how much things cost, and something we should really leave behind when we emigrate. Ought to add, when my daughter visited the UK when she was about 18 and visited some quite well off friends of ours, one of the highlights of her trip was when the friend took her out shopping to Primark - she loved it, and their clothes. Edited November 13, 2016 by Diane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flag of convenience Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 Cheapest, functional clothes best for young kids who grow out of them in no time anyway. Clothes are certainly expensive in Australia, not worth the money, especially as we are so close to Asia where brand names, if that's your thing, can be purchased for a pittance what OZ prices retail for. KL is a good example during their 'special sale periods. We buy mostly in Europe, direct from manufactures. Anyway I 'd be rather happy if had parents, whom could stay and pay so little and feel able to do so. I don't see any issue at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flag of convenience Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 That sucks that they didnt put their hands in their pockets, must be annoying. I wouldn't throw away the clothes though - its the thought that counts and surely they would still last a while. If not then hand them into a charity shop or something, some kids cant even afford to get cheap stuff. I bought clothes from target and kmart, some are fine Better still give them to the kids for the original purpose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 When my Mum visited from the UK I knew that she had spent a fortune on flights. I did not expect her to pay for anything whilst she stayed with me - she was a guest. All the gifts that she sent from the UK, including clothes, were treasured and passed onto my children. I would not have dreamt of trashing anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJ Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 (edited) If thats what you think of family I wouldnt like to hear what you say about the rest of us Bogans who dress our kids from Kmart and Best and Less. A kid cant tell whether an outfit is Ted Baker or Kmarts Finest. My daughter just loves the bright colours, grows out of everything in a few months anyway and who cares if they knock the knees out of a $5 pair of leggings, at least they can have fun without an uptight Mum losing her sh1t over designer gear getting ruined! Edited November 13, 2016 by AJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 (edited) not such a smart move because obviously I will throw it straight in the bin along with all the other tat she sends so actually, a complete waste of money, in fact add up all the crap clothes and buy one nice thing and money well spent, cost effectiveness and it will last much longer xxxxx PS I do actually throw every cheap and nasty item straight in the bin, and I will always do that so money wasted just for being cheap xxxx Please consider recycling or an op shop. Someone out there would benefit from those new clothes you are throwing away. Don't clog up landfill on top of all the airmiles, get some good out of them Edited November 13, 2016 by Guest fixed quote tags Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 When we last went back to the Uk we stayed with my partners best friends mother. She lives alone and is so lovely. She would've been most upset if we stayed anywhere else and wouldn't hear of us going to a hotel. It was a four week stay. We gave her i think 200 quid for each week we stayed as she's on a pension. We also took her out a few times for dinner and drove her across country to see her sister. She really enjoyed having us there. In fact she was in tears the day we left. She looked after us so well cooked for us etc. Even upped the heating up the first night so much i had to strip of in the night. Poor love thought i'd be cold because i come from a hot country. It was December so yes it was cold. lol. I wouldn't dream of staying with anyway be it family or friends without contributing. Saying that though some take advantage as they know we are that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix16 Posted November 13, 2016 Author Share Posted November 13, 2016 I can appreciate how my comments sounded, I was raging and not rationalising but had had a day of it and vented on here. NO I'm not a snob, I do shop in Kmart, I did shop in Sainsbury's and Tesco's fir clothes when I lived there, and loved them actually, I was reacting to posts I thought were just being provocative, I should have counted to 10 first!! To some I do sound like an unappreciative DIL so I will explain, when we go to UK, they refuse to pick us up from the airport (unlike when they come here and we're talking same distances), we are not invited to stay with them, we pay expensive flights and expensive hotel bills, then we are considered to be the 'rich' visitors (which we truly are not) and every trip out, every meal out etc is on us, in fact it was even suggested to us before our last trip that we treat them all (along with us of course) to a family holiday in the Greek islands as I had been saying how much I missed the Greek islands, obviously we didn't appreciate the suggestion and certainly didn't not have that kind of money, so as far as I'm concerned we are used and abused when they come here and we are used and abused when we go there, hope that balances my frustrations to you a little more xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia53 Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 I can appreciate how my comments sounded, I was raging and not rationalising but had had a day of it and vented on here. NO I'm not a snob, I do shop in Kmart, I did shop in Sainsbury's and Tesco's fir clothes when I lived there, and loved them actually, I was reacting to posts I thought were just being provocative, I should have counted to 10 first!! To some I do sound like an unappreciative DIL so I will explain, when we go to UK, they refuse to pick us up from the airport (unlike when they come here and we're talking same distances), we are not invited to stay with them, we pay expensive flights and expensive hotel bills, then we are considered to be the 'rich' visitors (which we truly are not) and every trip out, every meal out etc is on us, in fact it was even suggested to us before our last trip that we treat them all (along with us of course) to a family holiday in the Greek islands as I had been saying how much I missed the Greek islands, obviously we didn't appreciate the suggestion and certainly didn't not have that kind of money, so as far as I'm concerned we are used and abused when they come here and we are used and abused when we go there, hope that balances my frustrations to you a little more xxx Apologies as you did only tell half the story and did sound like a spoilt brat but with that second part of the story I feel sorry for you. Can you not speak to them because by the sound of it you may end up falling out with each other? Take it your oh is frustrated with them also? You certainly created a bit of a storm on here lol but it's entertaining. Im hoping if and when we finally do make the move my mom n in laws do visit as often as possible but after reading this forum am a little worried Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quokka2005 Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 They sound a bit of a nightmare Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 Wow to not even pick you up or pardon me but invite you to stay you're family. To my way of thinking you shouldn't need to be invited to stay at parents house? What the hell? Wow... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silencio Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 (edited) The most important thing: did your daughter enjoy seeing her grandparents? What did your husband say to his parents? He's the son so he should speak up. There is certainly more to this story, some kind of underpinning issues. Not unusual as I thought I have 'in-laws from hell'...who invited themselves to stay with us for 7 weeks and only complained, whinged and nagged around. An invitation (maybe in writing?) to visit them is a no go. Why are they so uptight? Maybe because they are 'alone' and you're so far away. But hey, rather forget about it as it's not worth it in the end. They are elderly people and we should appreciate them as we still have parents and in-laws. Expectations are often too high. Just lower your expectations and enjoy that your partner still has parents. Remember all the people who have already lost their parents as they would rather have a little bit of a fight/trouble with them than visiting a gravesite. Edited November 13, 2016 by silencio Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 With us it wasn't parents who free loaded ( we were glad to see them and who paid what didn't enter into it) but the Brother in law and his family.Not poor of course, these people who freeload rarely are. They were absolute shockers and never offered to pay for anything, never gave us even a small gift for staying with us and just generally it was take, take, take. That was many years ago and we haven't seen them since and don't want to. Some are good, some are bad I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix16 Posted November 13, 2016 Author Share Posted November 13, 2016 Thank you for the nice comments, to be honest the relationship has never been particularly close, however, after venting last night and getting it off my chest (and feeling much better!!) we have sat down with them today and asked if they are struggling financially as we are very happy to give them some money to enable them to really enjoy their time here and get out and about and see this wonderful place. Unfortunately my husband has started a new job in recent months and cannot take any time off, I am doing a placement for my degree that I cannot change and daughter is at school, they knew this before they came but tonight an open and honest discussion has taken place, they now acknowledge the impact of them Living with us while we have to go to work and come home tired and then manage their expectations of us, and they have confirmed they have ample funds to do more and that perhaps they should, we acknowledge we should be less selfish and appreciate them more while they are here, I guess what I have learned (and thanks to some of the criticism on this thread, I have listened!) is that instead of festering and whinging behind their backs, sometimes confronting the issue and actually saying how you feel is the right way to deal with things, it's not all hunky dory and we will think twice about their next visit but we are now getting through this visit in an honest and more productive way, thank you for everyone's comments, good or bad they have helped me to look at the situation more objectively xxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 I think it was great that you could talk to them, to be honest I'm one who bites my tongue and let's everyone walk all over me rather than risk the chance of upsetting someone. The problem with my way is nothing changes. At least now you can all enjoy your time together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benj1980 Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 Glad it seems sorted, nothing worse than being frustrated in what should be your safe place, your home! I am the eldest child and as we were growing up I seemed to pay for everything on sibling nights out (I was earning ok at the time compared to them). This hasn't really changed! Although they have boyfriends/husbands who make the effort to make things equal/fair on a one to one basis they are still quite happy to let me pay! A recent visit highlighted this again to me and it didn't break the balance, we didn't do extravagant things but I did wonder will it ever change?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 (edited) Thank you for the nice comments, to be honest the relationship has never been particularly close, however, after venting last night and getting it off my chest (and feeling much better!!) we have sat down with them today and asked if they are struggling financially as we are very happy to give them some money to enable them to really enjoy their time here and get out and about and see this wonderful place. Unfortunately my husband has started a new job in recent months and cannot take any time off, I am doing a placement for my degree that I cannot change and daughter is at school, they knew this before they came but tonight an open and honest discussion has taken place, they now acknowledge the impact of them Living with us while we have to go to work and come home tired and then manage their expectations of us, and they have confirmed they have ample funds to do more and that perhaps they should, we acknowledge we should be less selfish and appreciate them more while they are here, I guess what I have learned (and thanks to some of the criticism on this thread, I have listened!) is that instead of festering and whinging behind their backs, sometimes confronting the issue and actually saying how you feel is the right way to deal with things, it's not all hunky dory and we will think twice about their next visit but we are now getting through this visit in an honest and more productive way, thank you for everyone's comments, good or bad they have helped me to look at the situation more objectively xxxxx well done for taking the bull by the horns! I must admit, we had an occasion when we have had a similar conversation with our daughter - us pointing out that we are not made of money etc etc etc and she is a lot more inclined to share costs now. In my daughters' case she just used to revert to schooldays when mum and dad paid for everything, so we would have this thirty -year - old teenager ordering stuff to eat / drink and then waiting for us to pay ... This on the same holiday that the pound had dropped to 1.43 $ and we were frantically taking flasks of tea and picnics everywhere when were alone. So I understand your frustration better now and am sorry if I sounded really judgmental in my earlier post. Hopefully your in-laws will be a bit more thoughtful in the future. Edited November 13, 2016 by Fisher1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.