Julesvdg Posted August 15, 2013 Share Posted August 15, 2013 Hi everyone, Up until today me and my family were all set to move to Sydney, I've secured a post has a midwife, everything going through nicely and was hoping to be there by January 2014. Myself, my husband, my 18year old son and my 12 year old son. I also have a 20 year old son who moved out 6 months ago, has a good job, friends etc and doesn't want to move to Oz. it's already taken me months to get my head around leaving my eldest behind but now my 18 year old has just received his A level results today ( they were much better than he or I was anticipating) and he has been offered a place at university. This is where the problem lies, I was already struggling with leaving one son behind and I now face the prospect of leaving two! He hasn't totally decided if he wants to accept the place at uni because he was keen on going to Oz, but I think I already know that he will choose to stay and go to uni here because his friends are going to either the same or nearby uni's. we are all set to go, work know, family know, we have started sorting the house etc, my 12 year old really wants to go and so does my husband as do I, I'm 43 this year so our chance of going to Oz is slipping away. I've been so upset all day, mixed emotions, on one hand so pleased for my son that he got his uni place but then devastated at the fact that neither of my two eldest sons might be coming with me. Any advise, ideas, wisdom or anyone been in a similar situation would me much appreciated:-( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kooky Posted August 15, 2013 Share Posted August 15, 2013 Not sure what to say but want to send my thoughts. What an awful dilemma. Can't even marine what you going through. Big hugs. :hug: Hope it all works out whatever you decide x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celt Down Under Posted August 15, 2013 Share Posted August 15, 2013 There are no certainties in life. I know of people who have come out here with teenagers, and as soon as the teenagers were old enough they have moved back to the UK. How would you feel if, in 5 or 6 years time, your son ups sticks and moves out here himself? Would you feel cheated of your future in that you put off moving because of him, then he comes anyway, leaving you too old to emigrate. Do what is right for you at this time. There are no guarantees about tomorrow. All the best to you. It will not be an easy decision for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinaisrar Posted August 15, 2013 Share Posted August 15, 2013 I know how you feel my daughter will be 18 when i finally leave and will be the hardest thing to do and is the only thing that would change my life. However you have to look at it this way, they are adults now and they are making choice not to go, not because they dont wish to be with you but because they have a different path and plans in life. You cant always put your life on hold for the children when there at that age, the way im looking at it is hopefully my daughter will come after uni (though im continuously trying to get her to changer her mind)............your always there mum they will visit and maybe move, but there living their life and there choices in it are not going to be changed because of you. So you gain a new life path for your self husband and younger child....they all fly the nest at some point and im sure you will feel torn if still here and they left. Go for it you dont want a life of regrets nor do you want your kids to have any guilt that you didnt go because of them.......hard though, good luck x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted August 15, 2013 Share Posted August 15, 2013 I have kids of similar ages. My eldest who I am really close to keeps saying 'you know I can't live with you forever' it is right and proper that they flee the nest and uni is an excellent opportunity to do it. I would be heartbroken too but it is your last chance to go to Oz. you have done a great job of bringing up your boys so they are capable independent individuals. Can you afford to fly them over for long holidays? Personally unless you feel that they wouldn't cope without you, I would go - they can always join you at a later date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karenbfam Posted August 15, 2013 Share Posted August 15, 2013 I really feel for you. We are leaving for Adelaide next February. We have four kids between us aged between 20 and 25 and they won't be coming. We are 56 and 46 and just feel that's its an opportunity we need to try. I got my visa four years ago and we are waiting for a partner visa to be approved. Our four kids are gradually fleeing the nest and my youngest will still be at uni when we go. We could stay here, miss the chance and our kids end up all over the world and we regret not trying!! It's hard but the world is a small place now with the Internet. Could you persuade your son to defer his place? Good luck with what you decide. Life is short and I believe that you only regret missed opportunities x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted August 15, 2013 Share Posted August 15, 2013 I've two girls 22 & 19 who have come to Australia but have settled in Brisbane ( us in Perth) as others have said you can't predict what the future will bring. They may well visit you in the future and decide that Australia is where they want to be. You may try it here and decide its not for you. No decision is a permanent one, life is fluid. Do whats right for you. They are both old enough to look after themselves. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted August 15, 2013 Share Posted August 15, 2013 Not quite the same as we didn't emigrate, but we moved to Brunei as expats and our children were 21, 19 and 13. They all stayed in UK. The oldest had just finished Uni, the middle one was at Uni, and the youngest had to go to boarding school as there was no school for over 14's when we moved there. We were there for 9 years. It wasn't easy, but we all survived. Only you can make decisions that affect your family, we retired to Oz when we left Brunei and 2 have joined us here, and that would not have happened if we hadn't moved in the first place, so you never know what the future holds, so you can only make a decision and hope it works out. We are luckily still very close as a family, but it hasn't been easy, but ours are very independent because of the life style, but who knows if that is good or bad!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fifi69 Posted August 15, 2013 Share Posted August 15, 2013 We were in a similar position when we came. Our eldest daughter had been offered a uni place. She too was undecided wether to come with us to Oz or stay. We tried to let her make her own mind up. The result was that she deferred her placement for a year to come to Oz to see how she felt about living here. She loved Oz more or less from the off, landed a good job and Didnt give uni another thought. Agree with the others though. It's now your time, do what's best for you best wishes Fi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julesvdg Posted August 15, 2013 Author Share Posted August 15, 2013 Thank you all so much for your replies, although reading them as set me off crying again....my eyes will be a complete puffy mess at work tomorrow! I completely agree with everything said, that they are grown up young men now, they are happy and independent, and I know also that my 18 year old especially will move countries and could be living anywhere in the next few years. They have their dad here for them and him and I have always remained good friends so I know he would be straight in contact with me if he had any worries, their step mum is fab, and I know she would always dish out any cuddles that may be needed in my absence. I just wonder if I am physically capable of leaving them, my stomach hurts thinking about it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fifi69 Posted August 15, 2013 Share Posted August 15, 2013 So feel for you Hun. please give it a go at least though, it doesn't have to be forever if you really find it too difficult to be apart. Nothing stopping you from saying ok, I've tried it, it hasn't worked, Im off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sustain Posted August 15, 2013 Share Posted August 15, 2013 So he goes to university and comes out to OZ with a degree. You focus on getting a life established in OZ and he visits for Christmas/summer breaks. In 5 years you look back and see how everything turned out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legoman Posted August 15, 2013 Share Posted August 15, 2013 I think you have to let them live their own dream rather than trying to get them to live yours. A uni degree is still very useful in this world esp from the UK. In this day and age with skype etc contact is seconds away. I too face the prospect of 1 son here 1 son in the UK, best we can hope for is that they are both happy in their choices Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LKC Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 Thank you all so much for your replies, although reading them as set me off crying again....my eyes will be a complete puffy mess at work tomorrow! I completely agree with everything said, that they are grown up young men now, they are happy and independent, and I know also that my 18 year old especially will move countries and could be living anywhere in the next few years. They have their dad here for them and him and I have always remained good friends so I know he would be straight in contact with me if he had any worries, their step mum is fab, and I know she would always dish out any cuddles that may be needed in my absence. I just wonder if I am physically capable of leaving them, my stomach hurts thinking about it There are a couple of things that my grandma has said to me recently about this. Although my children are still young, and far off leaving home themselves, my mother has apparently never forgiven me for 'leaving' her, although we weren't close anyway. My grandma believes that children are borrowed. They are yours until they are adults, and as a parent you pay for the loan, and all the love and enjoyment that children bring, by teaching them how to live a fulfilling and enjoyable life. You give them the tools that they need as adults, and then you let them go, to forge their own life. You give them roots and wings. Roots, because they always know where home is (and I really don't mean that in a physical location sense, rather that they always know that they can turn to you in times of need), and wings because just like birds, they need to learn to fly. Give your son the options (go with you, go to uni, take a year out to go go with you and then back to uni), and then support him and let him see that no matter what his decision, it will be the right one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incata Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 Could your son not fly out with you (or shortly afterwards for a holiday) to validate his visa? Then he can finish university in the UK, still have his residency in Australia and then have the option to live/work in either? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 When you say it is all going through, do you mean sponsorship? And if so is this a temporary visa? If the case, I would strongly advise you to get a permanent visa and at least get the 18 year old on your visa so he has the option to join you later, after university even, if he so chooses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nohea Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 I felt exactly the same when I realised my son didn't want to move with us, after lots of thinking, talking, crying, we decided to give it a go without him, it's not been easy and I miss him a lot and it does get me down. My husband could see how much it was affecting me so made the decision to get our son a visa so that the options there for him if he was to change his mind. Who knows what the future will bring but I'm sure it will all work itself out in the end whatever happens. It would be good if your son could complete uni in the uk and have the option to join you if he then wanted to, not sure what your visa situation is, good luck with whatever you choose to do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 If you have done a good job as a parent your kids should grow up wanting their own lives and you should live yours to the full. If what you want with your life is to go to Australia, then go! Your kids should do what they want with their lives once they are old enough to have options! They could end up in Australia or Zanzibar or anywhere in between and you probably can't be carting around chasing them. I've had one or other on the other side of the world for over a decade now, you get used to it. If you are going on a temp visa though, I'd echo Rupert's caution! Congratulations to your son on his uni prospects! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kapri Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 Could you afford for him to go to uni in Australia? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julesvdg Posted August 16, 2013 Author Share Posted August 16, 2013 Once again thank you all so much for your thoughtful, sensitive and very sensible replies:-) LKC what your grandma said to you was really beautiful and so true:-) After a day at work today and talking it through with my lovely colleagues I've got a little more perspective on the situation and my initial panic has subsided slightly. I've spoke to my son and he says he would like to come and defer for a year so he can see what Australia has to offer, but on speaking to him and more importantly watching his face when he said he wanted to come, I believe he is saying it so not to upset me and actually isn't sure what he wants to do. So I've asked him not to make a decision yet, to think it over through the weekend, and let me know his decision on Monday then I will support him either way. So come Monday I will either be helping him fill in the dreaded student finance forms and frantically searching for student accomodation for him or I will be speaking to the uni to see if he can defer for a year. After a sleepless night I've realised I will be incredibly sad if he doesn't come with me just as I already am that my eldest son doesn't want to come but I would be far more unhappy if I thought either of them were doing something that made them unhappy. The last twenty years I've spent my whole time trying to make sure they were happy and sorted, so if that means to be that they have to both live in a different place to me then that's something I need to come to terms with. Looks like I need to keep saving as much money as possible to fetch them over for as many holidays as possible! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 Jules, do the boys have permanent visas? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
travelchic Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 I am leaving my two oldest sons (20 & 18) behind because they don't want to come. The same as you, they have their father here in the UK for support if needed. It will break my heart to leave them behind, but I would only want them to come with me for my own selfish reasons. I have to respect their decision in the same way that they respect mine. I feel your pain. I am taking my youngest son with me also and worry about the strain on him not being around his brothers and his dad. But as said, they are only a plane ride away, and Skype is wonderful. Debs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 Hi I am not in the same position as you at all - my only child went to Australia on a one year visa eight years ago and didn't come back - she is now settled in a good job with a nice partner and her own home. I cant minimise the pain of parting for you but I can tell you it gets easier - and as others have said, Skype is wonderful. If you don't go, the older boys will know that you have abandoned your plans for them. This isn't something you want them carrying round with them. They are young and fit and have years to decide for or against Australia - imagine if they moved to Australia themselves, or Canada or somewhere and you were stuck in the UK having given up your dreams for them? This is your last chance to go to Australia before your age starts to be a factor. We are too old now, and can emigrate as parents only after either waiting in a queue of 10 - 15 years, or by paying an aprox $100,000 contribution. Take your chance while you can. Why not agree with your husband that you will give it a set period of time, say 1-2 years and if either of you are unhappy you will come back? Go on trial and see. Good luck, I hope it words out for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vanduex Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 Is Australian University an option? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SGHJLL Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 My husband is in Melbourne now and myself and two small children are moving over at the end of September. My 22 year old has already decided on staying to do teacher training in UK. The 18 year old has just received her A level results and after being pooled has been offered a place to study law at Cambridge. Obviously she can't turn this down. She wanted to defer so she could come out to Australia with us, but this may not be likely now. We had the flight booked for her and she was contemplating going to Melbourne university. Plans all changed now though! You have to be flexible in life as you don't know what is round the corner. We talked a lot about all the possible scenarios and so we were fore armed with all our options. It is hard to leave your children behind and it will be extremely sad for me when the end of September arrives but we have made a choice that will hopefully benefit our younger children and the older ones are old enough to make their own choices now and we need to respect that. Our older two have validated their PR visas so they still have the option of joining us in the future if they so wish. It is better to try it than to live with the regret. We can move back to the UK if we feel the decision is wrong. Maybe your son has the option of deferring his place so he can see if Australian life is for him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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