Is it wrong(Selfish) to leave elderly parents behind.

[Adam 005]

I'll be quick promise,

In a nut shell my wife wants to move over to W/A to be with her family and to give our children the opportunity of living outside the UK.

While I fully agree with her on most fronts I find myself really struggling  with the idea of leaving my parents in the U.K, They are both in good health given their age 76 and 69.

I know ultimately it's down to me to decide but I can't help feeling like it's a awful thing to do. 

Any advice from others that have gone through this would be welcomed.

[Toots]

Most migrants will tell you that it not an easy thing to do.  In fact it is probably one of the hardest parts of migrating.   Have you mentioned that you are thinking of moving to Australia?  If so what was their reaction?  Do you have siblings in the UK?  It is an even harder decision for an only child.

Have to say, I can also understand why your wife wants to be closer to her own parents.  

Yes, a hard decision.

Good luck with it all.

[BendigoBoy]

End of the day, it's your life and only you can decide what's best for you, mate.  I don't envy you having to make the decision.  Many of us here have done so ourselves.

Personally, I cried my tears for a good few days before we left the UK: as you never know whether you'll see anyone again.  Anything can happen on the turn of a coin, which we sadly discovered when we had a death in the family very shortly after moving out.

I would make the exact same decision all over again, if I had to, though.  But we're all wired up differently.

To mirror Toots: good luck, whatever you decide to do.

[can1983]

My parents are in the UK and both me and my sister moved independently to Australia leaving them with only each other.

My view is you have children to raise them to adulthood and hope that they have a long and happy life. If they decide that the country of their birth doesn't offer them the life they want and the opportunity arises to get that life why would you want them to hesitate in pursuing it?

I've never found it hard because my parents can see we are happy here and can also appreciate that what we have here we couldn't have achieved in the UK.

[Toots]

You say you your wife has family in Australia.  Does family mean her parents?  If not, how do her parents feel about you all moving to Australia?

[Marisawright]

3 hours ago, Adam 005 said:

I'll be quick promise,

In a nut shell my wife wants to move over to W/A to be with her family and to give our children the opportunity of living outside the UK.

While I fully agree with her on most fronts I find myself really struggling  with the idea of leaving my parents in the U.K, They are both in good health given their age 76 and 69.

I know ultimately it's down to me to decide but I can't help feeling like it's a awful thing to do. 

It's the curse of being in a 'mixed marriage'.  It's not so much about whether they need someone to look after them, because there are support services, after all.  It's more about their feelings on being separated from children and grandchildren.  However, your wife's parents have just as much right to see their daughter and grandkids, as your parents do.  Just because they've missed out up till now, doesn't mean they're not suffering as a result.  In fact you could argue that it's 'their turn'.    

[Adam 005]

8 hours ago, Toots said:

You say you your wife has family in Australia.  Does family mean her parents?  If not, how do her parents feel about you all moving to Australia?

I should have been clearer in my post.
It’s her sister who’s in Australia. 
I know we have a long journey ahead which given the difficulties of a visa may answer the question for me but I want to be fully on board. 

my wife has never been overly close to here parents but very close to her sister. 
Being a woman and a lovely forward thinking person she able to see the benefits and deal with the sacrifices and the emotions of the decision far better than me. 
I’m basically and emotional dinosaur . 

Edited November 16, 2023 by Adam 005

[Adam 005]

10 hours ago, Toots said:

Most migrants will tell you that it not an easy thing to do.  In fact it is probably one of the hardest parts of migrating.   Have you mentioned that you are thinking of moving to Australia?  If so what was their reaction?  Do you have siblings in the UK?  It is an even harder decision for an only child.

Have to say, I can also understand why your wife wants to be closer to her own parents.  

Yes, a hard decision.

Good luck with it all.

My parents aren’t exactly thrilled with the idea and as a family we’re not the best at communicating and talking about it never seem to happen. I have a brother but he has health limitations which will only deteriorate as he gets older but he has his own family he as you can imagine is in a similar page to my parents which is understandable. I think he worries about being the go to for sorting anything if I leave. 
 

 

 

[tea4too]

It's hard to offer advice in the circumstances you describe, but in truth I struggle and we live just a few hundred miles away rather than thousands. It's not necessarily the big stuff either as living in the UK means we can visit regularly and respond quickly in a crisis. It's simple things like picking up the shopping or a prescription when the weather is wild, fixing a door that sticks, changing the battery of a bleeping smoke alarm, making safe that bit of loose carpet... day to day things that happen regularly and are fixed by others, often without even hitting our radar. Mum wouldn't choose to move and our life is rooted here but it has become more of an issue over time and doesn't sit easily with me. It's hard not to feel selfish when someone else is left with no option but to fill the shoes we chose to vacate, but thank goodness they do because I genuinely don't know what Mum or myself would do without them.

Sorry Adam, possibly not what you want to read right now, but if there are other family members or even good neighbours willing to provide some level of support, if needed, it might be an idea to sound them out. If nothing else it would give you some degree of peace of mind. Good luck, I hope you can make it work. T x

[Adam 005]

6 minutes ago, tea4too said:

It's hard to offer advice in the circumstances you describe, but in truth I struggle and we live just a few hundred miles away rather than thousands. It's not necessarily the big stuff either as living in the UK means we can visit regularly and respond quickly in a crisis. It's simple things like picking up the shopping or a prescription when the weather is wild, fixing a door that sticks, changing the battery of a bleeping smoke alarm, making safe that bit of loose carpet... day to day things that happen regularly and are fixed by others, often without even hitting our radar. Mum wouldn't choose to move and our life is rooted here but it has become more of an issue over time and doesn't sit easily with me. It's hard not to feel selfish when someone else is left with no option but to fill the shoes we chose to vacate, but thank goodness they do because I genuinely don't know what Mum or myself would do without them.

Sorry Adam, possibly not what you want to read right now, but if there are other family members or even good neighbours willing to provide some level of support, if needed, it might be an idea to sound them out. If nothing else it would give you some degree of peace of mind. Good luck, I hope you can make it work. T x

Yeah the big things will happen what ever. Like you say it’s the small things. 

 

[FirstWorldProblems]

You know, it's not always "wrong" to be selfish.  There's definitely a healthy selfishness - your own happiness and your own needs are important and putting them first sometimes is now wrong.  As others have said, balancing your needs with the needs of others is very difficult and highly personal.  Personal to you and the circumstances of your parents.  And of course the needs of your wife.

There probably isn't anyone on the forum who hasn't had to make that difficult decision.  Their circumstances aren't yours, but they are a sharing bunch and hopefully hearing their experiences is helpful to you.  Ultimately emigration is a compromise in many areas of life and if you are fortunate enough to have parents still alive and parents that you are close too, this can be one of the tougher ones.

[Marisawright]

9 hours ago, Adam 005 said:

I should have been clearer in my post.
It’s her sister who’s in Australia. 
...
Being a woman and a lovely forward thinking person she able to see the benefits and deal with the sacrifices and the emotions of the decision far better than me. 
I’m basically and emotional dinosaur . 

If you're an emotional dinosaur, here's another question to think about.   It sounds like you've got no desire to live in Australia, you'd be making the move purely for your wife's sake. You've said nothing about how you would feel about living in a foreign country, thousands of miles from your homeland?      Honestly, it's challenging enough to make the move when you really, really want it.  If you're just doing it to please someone else, you're likely to have a very hard time, and my worry is that you may find yourself stuck in a life of endless homesickness.

As for the kids -- they'll be fine whichever decision you make.  We have families here who love their life in Australia, but equally we've got families who didn't settle in Australia, went home and love their life in the UK, too.   Your kids will have plenty of opportunity to live outside the UK when they're older -- as Australian citizens they'll be free to visit or live here as often and as long as they like.  

[Quoll]

Yup, it's selfish. Not sure that I would want to move just to be with a sister - somehow the merits of parent vs parent would make it a more even balance and perhaps easier to justify.

However - mixed marriage here - I never felt, nor was made to feel that I was being selfish by moving to Australia but I know that I was, deep down but I was young and didn't care and my folk were good at doing what they wanted to do. However neither of our parents were close - mine were 24 hours away (by air) and the in laws were 10 hours away (driving) so not living in each others pockets made us incredibly independent.

For us, flexibility was the key - the DH had siblings which made things easier, I'm an only. I was in a position to go home when I felt like it, one grandson ended up in UK, the other son and his kids visited a few times once the olds got too old & frail for their 6/6 visits. Then when their vulnerability became too much we accidentally stayed in UK after one holiday to care for them - lasted 9 years before returning to Australia.  I know we were incredibly fortunate that we were able to do that but we had to make it work - no way was I leaving my parents vulnerable. 

Bottom line here for you I would suggest is "do you want to?" If you don't want to leave what you've got then don't. If you want to go then put on your big boy pants and live with the selfishness. Moving to be with a sibling sounds a bit selfish to me BTW. 

Edited to say - is your wife Australian and wanting to return or will your visa process be starting from scratch? I guess I read mixed marriage into your question and it may not be that,

Edited November 16, 2023 by Quoll

[Tulip1]

11 hours ago, Adam 005 said:

Being a woman and a lovely forward thinking person she able to see the benefits and deal with the sacrifices and the emotions of the decision far better than me. 

There seems far less sacrifice on her part in terms of this move.  Of course she can see the benefits, she’s moving to be near her sister.  She’s also wanting you to move near her sister and take you and the kids away from parents and grandparents.    Now if you are really up for the move then all good, go for it.  But….it sounds like you’re hesitant.  She does of course have every right to want to be near her sister but I’m not sure her gain against you and your parents loss would be described as lovely.  As for your question on whether it’s selfish.  I think those that make the move have to have an element of selfishness to do it.  That doesn’t mean I think you shouldn’t as it’s your life, your choice.  But let’s be clear and honest.   No parent has hopes and dreams of their adult kids moving to the other side of the world, taking their grandkids with them.  Parents may be very supportive and genuinely happy for their kids that make that choice simply because that’s what nice parents do.  They want what their kids want and their kids happiness comes before their own.  However, in their hearts it’s the last thing they want and if you go your decision will hurt them.  You still should if you really want to and your parents will be happy for you while being sad for themselves. Don’t be swayed by the ‘it’s better for the kids’ as kids can thrive in either country. Yes the kids will get an opportunity to experience living in another country which is good but that will also come at the expense of not seeing their grandparents.  Ask yourself how do you think that will make them feel.  See it for what it is…..it’s better for your wife as she wants to be near her sister.  

[Nemesis]

Remember, if you go, and it doesn't work for you, but your wife decides to stay - your kids will almost certainly be staying too, whether you like it or not.

[Toots]

12 hours ago, Adam 005 said:

I should have been clearer in my post.
It’s her sister who’s in Australia. 
I know we have a long journey ahead which given the difficulties of a visa may answer the question for me but I want to be fully on board. 

my wife has never been overly close to here parents but very close to her sister. 
Being a woman and a lovely forward thinking person she able to see the benefits and deal with the sacrifices and the emotions of the decision far better than me. 
I’m basically and emotional dinosaur . 

Honestly, I think you would find it too hard.  You could end up hating it here.  Read what Nemesis has posted above.  That has caused a lot of problems for many migrants who yearn to return to their home country.

[Marisawright]

30 minutes ago, Toots said:

Honestly, I think you would find it too hard.  You could end up hating it here.  Read what Nemesis has posted above.  That has caused a lot of problems for many migrants who yearn to return to their home country.

Yes, I sometimes wonder how @bug family is getting on.

[Quoll]

1 hour ago, Nemesis said:

Remember, if you go, and it doesn't work for you, but your wife decides to stay - your kids will almost certainly be staying too, whether you like it or not.

This!!! In spades! 

[InnerVoice]

13 hours ago, Adam 005 said:

Being a woman and a lovely forward thinking person she able to see the benefits and deal with the sacrifices and the emotions of the decision far better than me. 
I’m basically and emotional dinosaur . 

No, you're just a nice person and considerate of other people's feelings - there's nothing wrong with that.

I would forget about your parents for the moment and think very carefully about what you want. When it comes to the really big decisions we need to put ourselves first, or somewhere down the line we're going to find ourselves in a world of regret. Your immediate family comes second, your extended family third, and your in-laws fourth. On this basis, your wife's sister is a long way down the pecking order. If you moved to Australia then it should be because that's what you really want to do, not so your kids can supposedly have a 'better life' or so your wife can be close to her sister. I'm not saying that those people aren't important, but your needs need to come first. If you're happy with your life as it is and you would never consider moving to Australia if it wasn't for your wife, then stay where you are. If that's the situation then you have far more to lose than you have to gain. I would also heed Nemesis's words very seriously...

1 hour ago, Nemesis said:

Remember, if you go, and it doesn't work for you, but your wife decides to stay - your kids will almost certainly be staying too, whether you like it or not.

 

Edited November 17, 2023 by InnerVoice

[Toots]

@Adam 005 I don't know your age but please be aware most Australian visas have an age limit of 44 meaning that those who have attained the age of 45 years are not eligible to apply for an Australian visa. 

[Marisawright]

5 minutes ago, Toots said:

@Adam 005 I don't know your age but please be aware most Australian visas have an age limit of 44 meaning that those who have attained the age of 45 years are not eligible to apply for an Australian visa. 

Good point.  I've been assuming his wife is an Australian, but if she's not, then the bigger question is whether one of them can even manage to get a PR visa. 

[proud preston]

This response is purely my experience. I’ve struggled with regret and remorse since we migrated. Many reasons- but leaving mum behind features heavily. I am the youngest of six and was very close to mum but hubby wanted to move here.  I miss not having been able to spend time with mum, do errands, help out and just be that emotional support - particularly in her dementia days. We are all different but it’s a sadness that will continue to bother me. 
However …..I never really wanted to come here whereas my husband imagined life would be so much better. As others have said- what do you really want? 17 years here and I’m still wishing we hadn’t moved but our adult kids have no desire to go back. This is what they know. 
All the best. Damn hard decision 

[Gary H]

Have you asked them (parents)?

I felt guilty for moving away, especially for the inlaws as their family unit all lives on top of each other. My parents packed my bag and drove us to the airport smiling

it has been over 25 years on and off, one day I asked my father in law, "What's your thoughts on us moving back?" His response surprised me, "What do you need to stay away?" In his mind and her mum's moving away was the one thing they were proudest of, it is difficult they admitted at times but they are happy we have done something else. 

They love the fact we have lived all over and their daughter has experienced a different life from what was expected.

[Adam 005]

Thank you to all who posted for the  insight and advice. 

I’m still unsure of what is the right thing to do and not being a decisive person I over think things far to much. 
One thing I am sure of though is some sacrifice has to be made If we want to move forward. 
 

Thanks again 

Adam.
 

 

[Marisawright]

7 minutes ago, Adam 005 said:

Thank you to all who posted for the  insight and advice. 

I’m still unsure of what is the right thing to do and not being a decisive person I over think things far to much. 
One thing I am sure of though is some sacrifice has to be made If we want to move forward. 

Yes, that's the difficult thing.  You and your wife can't both have what you want, so one of you will have to make a sacrifice.

The good thing is that your children don't have to make a sacrifice whichever you decide, because they'll be absolutely fine regardless of which decision you make. So it really comes down to the two of you.  good luck!