Second move with a teen…

[Homesick1]

I moved my family back to the UK after 11 years in Oz. My daughter was 13 at the time & was happy to return, but my then 19 year old agreed to come for a few months. We agreed that it would be a trial for all of us & kept our house in Oz in case we should decide to return. 
we’ve now been in the UK for 18 months, and my son moved back to Oz after 6 months, but my daughter loves it here & doesn’t want to leave! Due to health reasons, we now need to move back to Oz as the NHS has failed my husband. Obviously we have other reasons to return, but my daughter is so settled that I don’t know how to tell her we’ll be returning. She still has friends in Oz & we recently returned from a visit there (to see my son) but her feelings are unchanged. I know her life was so much richer there & she seemed to have more opportunities so I’m hoping she’ll settle in time. Anyone done the move twice with a teen and returned to Oz for year 10? Any advice or experiences would be so appreciated.  

[Quoll]

Could your daughter board with relatives until the end of her schooling perhaps? She obviously doesn't think her life will be richer or have more opportunities - if she can finish her education in UK then she keeps all her options open and she might prefer a UK Uni.  If you can't do that then moving back in year 10 isn't a problem, as long as she's there for the start of year 11 she won't be disadvantaged.  Sorry that the NHS has failed your DH - hope you've kept up your private health cover for returning to Australia so you get continuity on return - I got stung with the waiting period thing when we returned. 

[Nemesis]

I agree with Quoll, see if there are family or friends with whom your daughter can stay to finish her education and then decide on a longer term plan. 

[Homesick1]

Thank you for your suggestions. It is not an option for us to split up our family, even temporarily. I want my daughter to finish school in Australia & for my kids to be close so having us all together is the only option. My husband’s health needs to take priority but I’m so worried about running her life or causing my child long term depression - it’s so hard but leaving her behind is not an option. 

[Parley]

1 hour ago, Homesick1 said:

Thank you for your suggestions. It is not an option for us to split up our family, even temporarily. I want my daughter to finish school in Australia & for my kids to be close so having us all together is the only option. My husband’s health needs to take priority but I’m so worried about running her life or causing my child long term depression - it’s so hard but leaving her behind is not an option. 

Although as you pointed out your son moved back a year ago so you have already been split up for a year.

So maybe a bit longer wouldn't make much difference.

[Toots]

I hope you are also considering your own health reasons.  You were terribly homesick in Australia and feeling very depressed and you were also worried about your parents in the UK.  Surely the NHS isn't that bad now for treating your husband.  It's a big decision moving across the world again but hope it all works out for you.

[Marisawright]

@Homesick1, do you remember writing this?

Quote

He wants to go back for the same reasons that I do, but he thinks it’s unfair to punish the kids for our choices. He regrets not going back years ago when the kids were younger but he has the ability to ‘grin & bear it’ as he always says that things could be a lot worse as our life here is generally good. He’s right but I just can’t see through the fog right now. I know that my heart will never be whole here & I feel that in turn, my kids will never get the best of me. 

It's human nature to remember the good stuff and bury the negative memories, so be sure you're not underestimating how awful you really felt.  You must have been in a bad way, because why else would you have uprooted your whole family and moved halfway across the world?  Please make sure you're facing up to that. Read some of your old posts and put yourself back in that place.

If the NHS has failed your husband, have you considered going private?  I know it's expensive in the UK without private health cover, but you're contemplating spending tens of thousands of pounds on moving to Australia, plus the upheaval and stress of moving which won't be good for his health either. Private providers usually have fixed-price contracts so you should be able to get an idea what it would cost. 

 

Edited October 17, 2023 by Marisawright

[Homesick1]

Yes my mental health really suffered in Australia (as I’m sure it will again!),  but I’m also struggling here as I miss my son & feel terribly guilty for splitting up my family. Plus, my husband now needs medical care that he just isn’t getting in the UK, so this adds to the practical reasons why we need to go back. There is no easy solution, I just need to hear from people who’ve moved with reluctant teens to know how they settled back in. 

[Melbpom]

14 or 15 seems very young to stay behind in the UK. She's still a child and she will cope with whatever move you need to make. Perhaps you can give her the option of university studies in the UK.

[Quoll]

26 minutes ago, Melbpom said:

14 or 15 seems very young to stay behind in the UK. She's still a child and she will cope with whatever move you need to make. Perhaps you can give her the option of university studies in the UK.

That won't work because of the mind boggling costs of international fees, hence my suggestion for her to board until the end of education and keeping options open. 

[Melbpom]

7 minutes ago, Quoll said:

That won't work because of the mind boggling costs of international fees, hence my suggestion for her to board until the end of education and keeping options open. 

But it might not come to that. By the time she's gone through the Australian system she might have formed more bonds and chose to study here. As to the cost, what would 4/5 years of board cost, never mind the flights of family to and fro?

I'm not even sure international fees are cut and dried anyway. I think (could be wrong here) that they're set by individual universities, so it might just be a case of doing some research and shopping around. I've been looking for my son to do a masters and the fees seem to vary.

Edited October 17, 2023 by Melbpom
more info

[Marisawright]

3 hours ago, Homesick1 said:

Yes my mental health really suffered in Australia (as I’m sure it will again!),  but I’m also struggling here as I miss my son & feel terribly guilty for splitting up my family.

You didn't split up your family.  Your son chose where he wanted to live, which he has every right to do, at his age.  Even if you move back to Australia, there's no guarantee he'll stay living close to you.  

What does your husband want to do?  Given that it's his health which is the driver, his opinion is important.

[Homesick1]

1 hour ago, Marisawright said:

You didn't split up your family.  Your son chose where he wanted to live, which he has every right to do, at his age.  Even if you move back to Australia, there's no guarantee he'll stay living close to you.  

What does your husband want to do?  Given that it's his health which is the driver, his opinion is important.

He wants treatment in Oz but said he’ll go alone if needed. It’s not an option really as he needs major surgery so I won’t let him go through it alone. I know on balance, we need to go back, but I’m worried about my daughter.

[Drumbeat]

2 hours ago, Homesick1 said:

He wants treatment in Oz but said he’ll go alone if needed. It’s not an option really as he needs major surgery so I won’t let him go through it alone. I know on balance, we need to go back, but I’m worried about my daughter.

Are you 100% sure he can access the treatment he requires in Australia with no waiting period (it would be dreadful to arrive here and discover there was a long wait )?

[FirstWorldProblems]

It’s worth considering other NHS treatment options.  The NHS isn’t one organisation, rather it is a federated group of healthcare providers commissioned by NHS England and providing care under a common framework.  The service provision, availability and quality of each of those providers does vary for a multitude of reasons and if your husband has had a poor experience there are options other than moving overseas. 

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/the-nhs-choice-framework/the-nhs-choice-framework-what-choices-are-available-to-me-in-the-nhs#:~:text=You can ask to be,is led by a consultant

“If you’re unhappy with the handling of your case, it’s often helpful to speak to the organisation responsible for arranging your care and treatment in the first instance.

If you feel that the organisation responsible for arranging your care and treatment has not taken all reasonable steps to ensure you’re offered alternative provision, in most cases you should complain to your ICB as they must take all reasonable steps to ensure that an alternative provider is offered to you. For details on how to contact your ICB, see section 11 of this guide.”

[Homesick1]

Just to clarify, I’m not asking for advice on if we should move, I’m asking for people to share their experiences of moving back to a familiar place with a reluctant teen & advice on how they helped them cope. 

[Marisawright]

7 hours ago, Homesick1 said:

Just to clarify, I’m not asking for advice on if we should move

However, we're all reading your posts and thinking that you desperately NEED advice on whether you should move. I think you're making a dreadful mistake. 

Your husband doesn't want a permanent move, he just wants to get his surgery and come home.  Your daughter doesn't want to move.  You're willing to ride roughshod over their wishes and it has nothing to do with your husband's surgery.  You're just obsessed with the need to bring your family together, and since your son won't come to you, you have to drag the rest of  the family to be with him, regardless of whether it's what they want or what it costs.  The sad thing is that reuniting with your son won't make you happy, because when you were all together in Australia before, you had terrible depression, and it will be exactly the same this time. 

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it feels obvious to me that you're not thinking rationally about any of this, and a visit to a counsellor might help you sort through your feelings and guilt

You have one problem right now:  getting your husband the surgery he needs.   As others have pointed out, there are ways to pursue that in the UK.  Also, you need to check what the waiting list would be for the same procedure in Australia.   It may be just as bad.  And if he's planning to go private in Australia, then he'd be better off staying in the UK and going private there.

Edited October 17, 2023 by Marisawright

[Quoll]

7 hours ago, Homesick1 said:

Just to clarify, I’m not asking for advice on if we should move, I’m asking for people to share their experiences of moving back to a familiar place with a reluctant teen & advice on how they helped them cope. 

If you can make her feel like it's her choice you may have better luck - I know you don't want to leave her behind but offer her the choice - stay and finish education or come with us. Chances are she will choose to come with you. If not, well, bite the bullet and accept that maybe your family is not ever going to be happily in close proximity - they may not anyway as they get older. I certainly find that when I reframe into "this is my last worst option choice" that dealing with the depression is easier but she may well be depressed, just like you were and I believe you expect to be again.  I don't think there is much else you can do to sugar coat. 

[InnerVoice]

@Homesick1 sorry to learn you're in such an awful situation. You mentioned that the NHS had failed your husband but you didn't say in what way. Is the treatment he needs just not available, or are the wait times too long? As others have mentioned, you may experience similar wait times here in Australia.

People often get shot down for being too forthright on forums or accused of being insensitive, but I think everyone who has commented above really have your best interests at heart. You come across as being in a reactionary mindset, which is never a good place to be when it comes to making life-changing decisions. As Marisa has suggested, I'd focus on getting your husband the medical treatment he needs first before you think about anything else. I would just add that if it's a case of going private, I'd also consider other countries too. Malaysia and Thailand have excellent healthcare facilities at a fraction of the cost. I can vouch for the latter as I needed urgent medical treatment when I lived in Thailand, and it was second to none. Here are a few other countries to consider - some closer to home.

https://nomadcapitalist.com/global-citizen/freedom/top-5-best-countries-medical-tourism/

[kmrg]

I think the most important thing with teenagers is that they need to feel they were consulted and part of the decision making process even if the ultimate decision is made by the parents. Have you sat down as a family and discussed the current difficulties (in an age appropriate way) and explained that her dad may need to go back to Australia for medical treatment. Also have you discussed with your son in Australia your plans? It would be a shame to return and think you are reuniting the family to then find he is moving to another part of Australia or elsewhere?

Also I noted you said your daughter still had friends in Australia, so letting her know as far in advance about a potential move would also be good as she could then make sure she continued to maintain those relationships online so that she still felt she had a connection with those friends when you return. This is presuming you are returning to the same area. 

Would one option be for your husband to have the surgery then once he is recovered to make the final decision then? It may be easier to make a big decision if his health was improved? I think it has been noted he could consider other options in UK or possibly abroad. Not sure if that is possible or if he is planning on using public or private health services but worth considering. Public waiting lists here can be as long as the UK, depending where you live. 

 

Edited October 18, 2023 by kmrg

[Nemesis]

4 hours ago, Quoll said:

If you can make her feel like it's her choice you may have better luck - I know you don't want to leave her behind but offer her the choice - stay and finish education or come with us. Chances are she will choose to come with you. If not, well, bite the bullet and accept that maybe your family is not ever going to be happily in close proximity - they may not anyway as they get older. I certainly find that when I reframe into "this is my last worst option choice" that dealing with the depression is easier but she may well be depressed, just like you were and I believe you expect to be again.  I don't think there is much else you can do to sugar coat. 

Agreed. I speak as one who left home at 15 and went into digs with friends as a way to complete her schooling at the place she wanted to be in, surrounded by supportive friends, please give her the option. 

I know someone said earlier that she is too young, but I disagree. If she stands on her own feet now it will serve her well for the rest of her life. In my three years in digs with a variety of friends and neighbours, I learnt so much about life and about how to live it and survive. I would never have become the independent, self-reliant person that I am now without that experience. 

My sister had to stay with the family when they moved & I stayed behind, no independence for her, hated her new school, flunked her exams, still bitter about it to this day.

Please give her the option, and et her stand on her own two feet, if she is willing to try. 

And remember OP, you talk about not wanting to split the family, but how do you know where your kids will settle in the future? They are growing up, and hard though it is you need to acknowledge that.

Edited October 18, 2023 by Nemesis

[LettCat]

17 hours ago, FirstWorldProblems said:

It’s worth considering other NHS treatment options.  The NHS isn’t one organisation, rather it is a federated group of healthcare providers commissioned by NHS England and providing care under a common framework.  The service provision, availability and quality of each of those providers does vary for a multitude of reasons and if your husband has had a poor experience there are options other than moving overseas. 

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/the-nhs-choice-framework/the-nhs-choice-framework-what-choices-are-available-to-me-in-the-nhs#:~:text=You can ask to be,is led by a consultant/

“If you’re unhappy with the handling of your case, it’s often helpful to speak to the organisation responsible for arranging your care and treatment in the first instance.

If you feel that the organisation responsible for arranging your care and treatment has not taken all reasonable steps to ensure you’re offered alternative provision, in most cases you should complain to your ICB as they must take all reasonable steps to ensure that an alternative provider is offered to you. For details on how to contact your ICB, see section 11 of this guide.” 

ICB is a serious organization. Sometimes all it takes is a threat to contact the ICB to change the situation. Therefore, feel free to ask for a change of specialist.

[SophW]

Hello @Homesick1 you sound like you're having a really rough time. I remember your older posts and how unhappy you were in Oz. I can't see in this thread whether you feel settled here? You sound very concerned about everyone else-which is lovely- but don't forget about yourself.

Sending good wishes from a fellow north-eastener!