Homesick1

Just to clarify, I’m not asking for advice on if we should move, I’m asking for people to share their experiences of moving back to a familiar place with a reluctant teen & advice on how they helped them cope.

He wants treatment in Oz but said he’ll go alone if needed. It’s not an option really as he needs major surgery so I won’t let him go through it alone. I know on balance, we need to go back, but I’m worried about my daughter.

Yes my mental health really suffered in Australia (as I’m sure it will again!), but I’m also struggling here as I miss my son & feel terribly guilty for splitting up my family. Plus, my husband now needs medical care that he just isn’t getting in the UK, so this adds to the practical reasons why we need to go back. There is no easy solution, I just need to hear from people who’ve moved with reluctant teens to know how they settled back in.

Thank you for your suggestions. It is not an option for us to split up our family, even temporarily. I want my daughter to finish school in Australia & for my kids to be close so having us all together is the only option. My husband’s health needs to take priority but I’m so worried about running her life or causing my child long term depression - it’s so hard but leaving her behind is not an option.

I moved my family back to the UK after 11 years in Oz. My daughter was 13 at the time & was happy to return, but my then 19 year old agreed to come for a few months. We agreed that it would be a trial for all of us & kept our house in Oz in case we should decide to return. we’ve now been in the UK for 18 months, and my son moved back to Oz after 6 months, but my daughter loves it here & doesn’t want to leave! Due to health reasons, we now need to move back to Oz as the NHS has failed my husband. Obviously we have other reasons to return, but my daughter is so settled that I don’t know how to tell her we’ll be returning. She still has friends in Oz & we recently returned from a visit there (to see my son) but her feelings are unchanged. I know her life was so much richer there & she seemed to have more opportunities so I’m hoping she’ll settle in time. Anyone done the move twice with a teen and returned to Oz for year 10? Any advice or experiences would be so appreciated.

My family & I are returning to the north east of England in a few weeks & I wanted some advice about the education system there. My daughter has attended a private school in Queensland since prep. She’s 12 & in grade 7 but will be going into year 8 in England. We could afford to send her to a private school in England but it would be a huge stretch & she has a family friend who attends the local state school, so she’s pretty adamant that she wants to go there. My concern is that I’m not sure of the quality of education in British schools, especially after Covid. Plus, I’m worried about her being bullied for her strong Aussie accent. I’d love to hear from anyone who has had experience with kids of this age integrating into the British school system after living in Australia. Could you also let me know how easy/ difficult they found it to make friends & adjust to the culture?

Did you make any decisions? I’d be keen to hear from anyone who returned with older kids, (mine are 12 & 19). I’ve been homesick off & on for 10 years so have now decided to head back with my husband & 2 kids. We sold out gorgeous Aussie home this weekend. I have wanted this for so long but now that it’s happening, the doubts are setting in big time! I left for a reason & I still believe that Aus has given my kids a better life but I miss so much about my old life. Plus, I’m worried about the political landscape in the UK at the mo. However, I’ve never felt at home in Aus & I constantly worry about my family not being around for much longer & I feel more disconnected from them with every passing year. It makes me sad that they barely know my kids & I am a wreck here at Christmas time. However, the thought of returning to UK pub / youth culture for my kids is giving me some serious regrets already! Will we ever be happy?!

Update: we held on while the uk were in a strict lockdown. By May, my son had quit his apprenticeship & found a job that he loves (unskilled labour so nothing he couldn’t do in the UK but it’s his world at the mo!). We saw this as our opportunity & jumped on it quickly. We listed the house & then my son announced that he would be staying behind & would find a place to rent. My hubby will not leave the country without him, especially when the borders are still closed. I’m worse than ever and am now having panic attacks at the thought of being stuck here forever. At the moment, I want to just leave & hope that he follows but I can’t imagine how I’ll feel over there if he doesn’t come or, god forbid, something happens to him while we’re there & we can’t fly back. Has anyone had experience of leaving a child this young in a country without family? please help me to find a way out of this - it’s torture :(

Thank you so much for your response. It’s reassuring to know that your older kids moved back & didn’t resent you for it. My son is very sociable so I know he would struggle with the lockdown over there (especially if he couldn’t get out to meet people!). I am biding my time until the covid situation improves but would still like to get back sooner rather than later as I don’t want to disrupt my youngest once she’s settled in high school (she starts in 2 weeks!). Hoping to see some improvement for you all after this lockdown then hopefully the vaccine will start to take care of things from then on. Thank you for the recommendation about network rail; I’ll have a look into apprenticeships now in the hopes of enticing him back with us. My son is doing an electrical apprenticeship (they seem really hard to come by both here & at home!). We’re from Teesside in the north east so there is a lot of industry in the area but who knows what the job market will look like post Covid. Out of interest, which part of the uk did you return to? Does your hubby know much about the availability of electrical apprenticeships in the UK? I’d love my son to have a job to go to but it seems impossible. Thanks again for your help. I may take you up on the offer & contact you closer to the time

I know you are right on so many levels. But covid won’t be around forever and we really are at a crossroads where if we don’t leave now, it will probably be never. I just don’t want to miss the boat by worrying about covid when it sounds as though the vaccine could be rolled out quickly & things are expected to return to some kind of normality by Easter. It really is impossible to predict at this point, but I probably need to focus on what could go right, rather than worrying about something else that might go wrong. Thank you for your input - all perspectives really help.

Thank you for your reassurance. How long had you guys been in Oz? Did the boys still have mates there or were they starting from scratch? My son has said that he’d rather come back with us if that’s what we’re doing but he’d rather live here in Australia in the long term. So hard to know what to do for the best as the pandemic has made the UK less appealing to my kids (for obvious reasons!) but I’m feeling even more that we need to be closer to family. What made you guys decide to leave?

Gosh, I’ve only been to Manchester a few times too & loved it! Maybe I’m wearing my rose-tinted spectacles again but England always feels so ‘honest’ whereas I feel like everything in Oz is so polished but hides a darker reality. Can’t explain it really, it’s just a feeling I get We’d be moving back to Middlesbrough (once voted the WORST place to live in England ), so it is a stark contrast to the sunny Gold Coast. My kids know it well as we’ve been back every second christmas but I still think they’ll suffer a huge culture shock. I think the agony comes from knowing that I need to choose between my own happiness & that of my kids. It goes against all of my parenting instincts to put myself first but I know that my depression will affect them in the long run too so it feels like a lose-lose situation. Thank you again for all of your comments - it helps to be able to get so many different views on this. What would we do without the internet, hey?

Thank you for your comments. I think one of the hardest things even at the best of times, is that Oz is so beautiful & the place offers such a wonderful quality of life on so many levels that you know the UK just doesn’t compare. However, it’s the emotional ties of family & friends that seem to pull us back (and, I must admit, I also miss the weather, the culture, the architecture & the history... so pretty much the whole package ). I do remember what it was like being a teen there though & it can be pretty brutal so I do worry that if things go wrong for my kids, I’ll always feel it could’ve been avoided by staying in Oz. Then again, I’m doing that now anyway so what’s the difference

Thank you for your advice - you were right on many points. He saw how upset I was & said that my happiness was more important than Australia & if I needed him to go then it’s not a big deal for him. However, by the end of the conversation (when the reality hit him) he was explaining that he might have to stay behind as he has to live his own life too, (which of course, he is right). I’m going to see how he feels in a few days before planning anything. Thank you again

Gosh, it sounds like you’ve been through a rough time. This is always a worry whenever a parent decides to move a child away from their friendship groups. I had hoped that my son would still see England as home as we have visited family there so regularly but as you said, his friends make Aus the centre of the universe. I know it’s selfish but I can’t leave without him; it wouldn’t feel right. I think you’re right though - I need to give him a choice & see what he says.

Yes we do. I stayed 5 years ago so that we could get this then my kids would always have the option of returning one day.

He wants to go back for the same reasons that I do, but he thinks it’s unfair to punish the kids for our choices. He regrets not going back years ago when the kids were younger but he has the ability to ‘grin & bear it’ as he always says that things could be a lot worse as our life here is generally good. He’s right but I just can’t see through the fog right now. I know that my heart will never be whole here & I feel that in turn, my kids will never get the best of me.

Thank you for all of your replies - you don’t know how much they’ve helped. Friends in the uk keep telling me to stay here as the place is in a mess & my kids are happy & healthy here. I know they’re right on many levels but I can’t help feeling as though my life is passing me by. I can’t imagine ever feeling better about this situation & feel a strong need to be around the people who love me & can take care of me for a while.

Thank you for your words of reassurance. We’re from the north east so once upon a time, he would’ve found work as an electrical apprentice straight away. However, I’m hearing horror stories about kids not being able to find apprenticeships in the trades & my hubby feels that this opportunity in Aus could set him up for life. I have my doubts as I think he’ll get something quickly in the UK given his attitude & experience, but I know that it’s a huge risk. My daughter is due to begin year 7 so it really is a now or never situation

As I previously mentioned, my family & I were planning on moving home this year after 9 years of being in Aus. We were stalling due to covid & wanted to wait until things were under control before moving back to England as we figured it was going to make things too difficult for our kids. My daughter has now finished primary school & is ready to go into high school and so we were aiming to get back in the coming weeks (now that the vaccine is being administered we figured things should go back to normal in England very soon). However, my eldest (18 year old) has just been offered an electrical apprenticeship after almost a year without work & so it has completely taken us aback. We don’t want to take him away from this opportunity but it’s only a job (which he’s happy about but isn’t passionate about the work as it’s not his dream job!), & we’ve spent 9 years putting our feelings on the back burner in favour of doing what’s best for the kids. I have sunk into quite severe depression & can’t see a way out of this. I’m privately crying constantly as I feel so trapped. I won’t leave him behind as he still makes poor choices & I feel his friendship group is bad for him (he only started hanging out with this group this year & he has become quite secretive & distant - maybe just his age but I worry there’s more to it). We have lots of family in the uk & we’re all very close but my son doesn’t have friends there & his life is here. I can’t promise that he’ll find an apprenticeship there but he could go to college & meet people whilst waiting to find work. I doubt this is what he wants but I feel he’s still growing up & needs to figure out what it is that he wants to do. He can’t afford to stay here alone on an apprentice wage but if we stay here any longer, my youngest will be in the midst of high school & so the cycle starts all over again. Both of our parents are getting older & I regret my decision to move here every single day as we have already missed out on so much. I can’t even bring myself to imagine the next year here let alone 4 more. How do we make sure everyone is happy without destroying our kids’ lives?

Thank you for your reply. So did the kids & hubby go happily when you returned? How old were they when you went back?

Hey, I know this thread is 10 years old but I am in exactly the same situation & wanted to find out what you decided to do? Did you head back to the uk & did your kids settle? I’m days away from booking a flight home but I know it will break my kids’ hearts. They are 11 & 18 so the eldest can always come back once he’s financially independent but the youngest is so settled at school that it won’t be easy for her. I feel so guilty for putting my own happiness ahead of theirs but I’ve stayed for them for the last 9 years & it really does feel like a life sentence. This feels like a now or never situation but it’s so scary...

Thank you for your thorough response. You have certainly helped to put my mind at ease. Sorry to hear of your separation - I can imagine it was made easier by having the support of good friends & family. My friends and family think we’re bloody mad to be heading back but I guess home really is where the heart is.

We have been approved as we sent proof that our child was enrolled in a school.

Thank you for your helpful comments. We do have our citizenship so we can always move back in a few years if we wanted to. I know that the younger once will be fine once we get there but I am dreading the goodbyes as she has been close to her group of friends for so long. I’m also worried that she’ll struggle to fit in because of her Aussie accent - difference tends to make teens a target from what I remember. My eldest has some long term friends here but he doesn’t spend much time with them. I’m sure he will make friends through work / college In the UK but I’m not sure he’ll adjust to the lifestyle as easily (we live in a small town in the north east of England so it’s a little different to the Gold Coast!). I applied for an exemption to leave & was granted as I could demonstrate that I was planning on leaving Australia permanently (I sent them a copy of the school placement letter for my daughter). I’m trying to make England sound appealing to them both but after Brexit & covid, I’m not sure what the quality of life will be like over there. Still, these doubts do little to shake the feelings of homesickness & loneliness at not having family so I can’t see any other way!