Husband wants to return to Oz, I don't, situation is hell

[Quoll]

It doesnt quite work that way when u have kids. If there were no children then im sure it would be no problem. But going with the idea that 'screw it. He wants to go then let him go, im staying!' Means that you are taking away from the children what is most important, and thats a home with mum and dad.

I feel very sorry for you in this situation as its a very difficult one. You want to stay and your husband just as much as you want to stay, wants to return to oz.

Maybe an agreement that you will go back to oz and try to move somewhere closer to the city? That way it would be easier for you to find friends and suitable work? Something like a start from new again..

 

Unfortunately that "going back to Australia to start somewhere new " is a really risky strategy because if that still doesn't work there is no escape and no return strategy. One you're in Australia the Family Court won't let kids leave if even the most awful drop kick of a parent says they may not. So giving it another go should really be rephrased as Going back for good this time.

[Elven]

fair enough. I will just have to accept that I am not supposed to be happy. Thank you for your input.

Hello, please please stay put. You couldn't possibly have predicted what would of developed in those 2 years. It sounds like you are happy and you have work along with help with your children. Surly your husband must of realised how you were in Oz compared to how you are now. If he loves you he should support you and except that the UK is where his family is happy. How has he been in the uk? Has he suffered depression?

[ali]

Hello, please please stay put. You couldn't possibly have predicted what would of developed in those 2 years. It sounds like you are happy and you have work along with help with your children. Surly your husband must of realised how you were in Oz compared to how you are now. If he loves you he should support you and except that the UK is where his family is happy. How has he been in the uk? Has he suffered depression?

 

I guess there lies the problem - if a compromise can't be achieved then someone has to make the sacrifice and that's when resentment can occur.

[Bungo]

Hello, please please stay put. You couldn't possibly have predicted what would of developed in those 2 years. It sounds like you are happy and you have work along with help with your children. Surly your husband must of realised how you were in Oz compared to how you are now. If he loves you he should support you and except that the UK is where his family is happy. How has he been in the uk? Has he suffered depression?

 

What developed? Nothing as far as I can tell, order than they got on with life. The OP was homesick, they went back for a reason with a promise to return in two years, OP was happier (obviously because they didn't like being in Australia) and now doesn't want to see good the promise. I know my husband would put my happiness first and so I will never be in the same situation, but still if I made a promise to my husband and he wanted me to honour it, then I would. I would think if either of us cannot stick to marital promises then it is game over.

[Elven]

Happiness and contentment developed along with jobs a nice area to live and family support with the little ones. Happy mum happy thriving children. A good husband or father would be able to see that and make the decision to stay for his family. That alone should make him happy and content. Tricky situation and I don't come on here to argue I offer support.

[101redroses]

You can change your mind. That's life & it's okay. I don't think that's manipulation. There are no winners in your situation. I really hope you can find a compromise soon.

 

 

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[Bristol Chris]

Sorry you find yourself in this situatin, I can see that you would both be feeling a lot of stress. I do agree with others saying about counseling. Get all off your chest, both of you, and clear the slate.

 

I know you feel very drawn to the UK however and aren't saying you are manipulative (you entioned your husband said this) however you do use very emotive words

 

"depriving the kids of their grandmother" - what about depriving your kids of their Australian grandparents/Aussie family?

"But I made a bargain. The fact is that the bargain will make me utterly miserable" - is your husband miserable as you reneged on the 'bargain'

"I just don't want my babies to suffer" - what will happen to them to make them 'suffer' in Austarlia?

 

Do you say this to your husband? It just sounds very emotive and I can see, if you did say this, that he might think you're trying to only see the bad things of his side. Do you say these things in front of / to the children?

 

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your'e a horrible person - not at all. You're clearly a very loving mum and want the best for your family and kids. You just want happiness after all, who doesn't! It just seems that you only see one side or at least only happiness with only one side.

 

I think the couselling is probably the best idea. GEt it all out in front of someone who can help. Who knows which way the future will lead you but I wish you both the very most of happiness. It would be a very difficult position to be in - and I imagine many have been there before.

[Antipodista]

Hi Ellen sorry for the late response...I don't think it's depression per se, he just hates it.

[Antipodista]

I know this is an old thread now but I just wanted to thank everyone who had replied. I haven't been on here much...unfortunately my Dad passed away some weeks ago. So the countdown is on now to move back. I think unfortunately that I will have to go back to Australia. My husband and I will be having counselling but I can't see that will change his mind. Even if I am miserable, at least I can say I've done all I can to keep my family together and kept to my side of the "deal". My husband has made it clear that if we stay, he wants us to split up, so it's no real choice when put like that. No one said it was supposed to be easy, hey. Thanks again all x

[ramot]

I know this is an old thread now but I just wanted to thank everyone who had replied. I haven't been on here much...unfortunately my Dad passed away some weeks ago. So the countdown is on now to move back. I think unfortunately that I will have to go back to Australia. My husband and I will be having counselling but I can't see that will change his mind. Even if I am miserable, at least I can say I've done all I can to keep my family together and kept to my side of the "deal". My husband has made it clear that if we stay, he wants us to split up, so it's no real choice when put like that. No one said it was supposed to be easy, hey. Thanks again all x

 

Take care wish you all the best.

[bristolman]

I know this is an old thread now but I just wanted to thank everyone who had replied. I haven't been on here much...unfortunately my Dad passed away some weeks ago. So the countdown is on now to move back. I think unfortunately that I will have to go back to Australia. My husband and I will be having counselling but I can't see that will change his mind. Even if I am miserable, at least I can say I've done all I can to keep my family together and kept to my side of the "deal". My husband has made it clear that if we stay, he wants us to split up, so it's no real choice when put like that. No one said it was supposed to be easy, hey. Thanks again all x

 

Sorry to hear about your Dad, my mum died a month or so ago so I know exactly how you are feeling.

To be honest I can't see how counselling can possibly help your sitiation, you are 2 people wanting to live in 2 different countries, it's that simple.

I will be blunt and say that from your husbands point of view your marriage isn't perhaps as strong as it should be. The only long term solution I can see is you both live in your preferred country.

[Bungo]

I know this is an old thread now but I just wanted to thank everyone who had replied. I haven't been on here much...unfortunately my Dad passed away some weeks ago. So the countdown is on now to move back. I think unfortunately that I will have to go back to Australia. My husband and I will be having counselling but I can't see that will change his mind. Even if I am miserable, at least I can say I've done all I can to keep my family together and kept to my side of the "deal". My husband has made it clear that if we stay, he wants us to split up, so it's no real choice when put like that. No one said it was supposed to be easy, hey. Thanks again all x

 

Well I just reread the thread. I stick to my earlier view, you willingly moved to Australia, had your children in Australia and promised to move back to Australia. I would also divorce you if you could not be true to your word. And whether I think Australia is better than UK or vice versa is irrelevant. You promised.

[Gbye grey sky]

I know this is an old thread now but I just wanted to thank everyone who had replied. I haven't been on here much...unfortunately my Dad passed away some weeks ago. So the countdown is on now to move back. I think unfortunately that I will have to go back to Australia. My husband and I will be having counselling but I can't see that will change his mind. Even if I am miserable, at least I can say I've done all I can to keep my family together and kept to my side of the "deal". My husband has made it clear that if we stay, he wants us to split up, so it's no real choice when put like that. No one said it was supposed to be easy, hey. Thanks again all x

 

I am aware that this is easy to say but I do believe in the adage 'life's what you make it'. If you make the move and have decided that you are going to be miserable then you will be. Your marriage will suffer and so will the lives of your kids.

 

If you are going then look for the positives (there must be some) and make the best of things. Realistically, how long can the marriage actually last if you resent him and he can see that every day. Not long, I would surmise.

 

I am interested that you write off counselling because it won't change his mindset. Presumably you haven't considered the possibility that it might change yours either.

[benj1980]

Make some demands now like meals out every weekend and champagne for breakfast. I'm sure he feels a bit of guilt! On a seriousness note it's a brave decision but probably the best decision. I've read the thread and read it from your husbands perspective really, I'd be gutted if my wife broke such a promise and I'm not sure if there would have been a way back. Good luck for the future and I hope it all works out for you and your family.

[TiaCapan]

Well I just reread the thread. I stick to my earlier view, you willingly moved to Australia, had your children in Australia and promised to move back to Australia. I would also divorce you if you could not be true to your word. And whether I think Australia is better than UK or vice versa is irrelevant. You promised.

 

Thats all very well. But what if she moves back to Australia and he leaves her anyway, she will be stuck in a country possibly without any support and unable to leave until the children are adults, due to The Hague Convention, true it applies to her husband now, But there's a lot more to consider when you have children.

 

Phrases like 'I would divorce you also' are hardly helpful.

Edited October 27, 2016 by TiaCapan

[Quoll]

I know this is an old thread now but I just wanted to thank everyone who had replied. I haven't been on here much...unfortunately my Dad passed away some weeks ago. So the countdown is on now to move back. I think unfortunately that I will have to go back to Australia. My husband and I will be having counselling but I can't see that will change his mind. Even if I am miserable, at least I can say I've done all I can to keep my family together and kept to my side of the "deal". My husband has made it clear that if we stay, he wants us to split up, so it's no real choice when put like that. No one said it was supposed to be easy, hey. Thanks again all x

 

So sorry to hear all that. It still doesn't sound like much of a compromise to me and hopefully that will come out in counselling. He hates here, you hate there - maybe splitting up is the way to go. Please look after yourself because it doesn't sound as if your husband is prepared to do that for you!

[tea4too]

Irrespective of who promised who, what, and when… dealing with now has to be the focus, and @TiaCapan makes a valid point. Relationships seem to be stretched to the point of breaking and in those circumstances, given your own feelings about a return, a simple relocation to Aus may simply widen cracks rather than heal them. Hopefully the counselling will help you to work through this as a couple, but whatever the outcome you should be aware of the implications of the Hague Convention as potentially it could have real consequences for you.

 

http://www.pomsinoz.com/forum/news-chat-dilemmas/47091-children-what-happens-if-you-your-partner-decide-go-home.html

 

http://www.pomsinoz.com/forum/news-chat-dilemmas/234489-quick-video-new-families-thinking-moving-australia.html

[Wojtek]

I am aware that this is easy to say but I do believe in the adage 'life's what you make it'. If you make the move and have decided that you are going to be miserable then you will be. Your marriage will suffer and so will the lives of your kids.

 

.

 

I seriously could not agree more. Life is what you make of it. Its your stage, and how you play and act on stage will decide on if its going to be one absolutely miserable act or a good one. I get the impression that by even thinking about Ausralia, you are close to depression. If that be the case, than why go? To try and save a family from falling apart? Fine. The idea is fantastic, and deserves the highest of respect. BUT, if you are going to fly down, and letting your husband and Family know that it is the last place you want to be, and that you will be miserable every day, than what is the point? IMHO, either try and cghange your attitude in the sense that you fly back and give it your best. Try everything from scratch and tell your husband that you want to try everything from the beginning, a new chapter for you both and that you will need his support. Because honestly, no matter how much I loved my wife, if we flew down and she would be from day one reminding me with her attitude and behaviour of a person who is going into crusification, than I wouldnt be able to handle it. Like mentioned above, in the main part you decide on how it will be. If you know before you even leave, that it will be miserable - than it most likely will be.

 

Good luck and keep up posted!

[Wojtek]

I am aware that this is easy to say but I do believe in the adage 'life's what you make it'. If you make the move and have decided that you are going to be miserable then you will be. Your marriage will suffer and so will the lives of your kids.

 

.

 

I seriously could not agree more. Life is what you make of it. Its your stage, and how you play and act on stage will decide on if its going to be one absolutely miserable act or a good one. I get the impression that by even thinking about Ausralia, you are close to depression. If that be the case, than why go? To try and save a family from falling apart? Fine. The idea is fantastic, and deserves the highest of respect. BUT, if you are going to fly down, and let your husband and Family know that it is the last place you want to be, and that you will be miserable every day, than what is the point? IMHO, either try and change your attitude in the sense that you fly back and give it your best, try everything from scratch and tell your husband that you want to try everything from the beginning, a new chapter for you both and that you will need his support - or dont go because it wont last anyway. Because honestly, no matter how much I loved my wife, if we flew down and she would be from day one reminding me with her attitude and behaviour of a person who is about to be going into crucification, than I wouldnt be able to handle it. Like mentioned above, in the main part you decide on how it will be. If you know before you even leave, that it will be miserable - than it most likely will be, but if you decide to give it a shot starting from scratch, and trying to look at all the positives of Australia as well, not just the negatives, than it might work.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Antipodista]

Well I just reread the thread. I stick to my earlier view, you willingly moved to Australia, had your children in Australia and promised to move back to Australia. I would also divorce you if you could not be true to your word. And whether I think Australia is better than UK or vice versa is irrelevant. You promised.

 

Not sure why you are being like that but ok.

[VERYSTORMY]

I am going to be blunt. I think your marriage is doomed regardless. Any partner who says you move or get lost is not that serious about you. If you go and are as miserable as it sounds, then the marriage is doomed.

 

In essence, I see therefore no point in moving back as it will just prolong the agony. Personally, I would say that if anyone thinks more about living in one first world country to another more than you, let them go.

[Wojtek]

I am going to be blunt. I think your marriage is doomed regardless. Any partner who says you move or get lost is not that serious about you. If you go and are as miserable as it sounds, then the marriage is doomed.

 

In essence, I see therefore no point in moving back as it will just prolong the agony. Personally, I would say that if anyone thinks more about living in one first world country to another more than you, let them go.

 

I think a lot of us might feel the same, in the sense that OK, why would a husband say something like that. If he did it means theres not as much affection there as there should be bla bla bla, but look at it from a different side.

Every marriage has its crisis at one point or another, or usually at a couple of points If for example they have their crisis which is also caused by this whole situation, and on top of that there is the non stop hardcore atmosphere around the fact that one side wants to be here, the other there - then arguments are an everyday thing. If they are, then maybe the husband said "look, u want to stay than stay, I want to go - full stop. Im tired of this shite". Everyone that is in marriage knows that sometimes there are arguments where emotions take control and you say things that you normally wouldnt if you were thinking straight without wanting to throw a plate out the window. Also - they have kids. Its not so easy to simply write the marriage off.

I still think that maybe to start from scratch is the only way to go, but you have to start a new chapter, laying everything out on the table.

 

I remember me and the wife had a pretty rough patch a few years back. We knew we needed to talk things out. We both got out a piece of paper and pen and wrote exactly what bugs us the most, what we wanted to change the most. When we were finished we exchanged papers. Maybe that will help you both look at things from "the other point of view"?

Edited October 27, 2016 by Wojtek

[Quoll]

Well I just reread the thread. I stick to my earlier view, you willingly moved to Australia, had your children in Australia and promised to move back to Australia. I would also divorce you if you could not be true to your word. And whether I think Australia is better than UK or vice versa is irrelevant. You promised.

 

Harsh!

 

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans and if you are living a better life than you expected, why go back to something which wasn't as good? That's just daft. Mind you, if my husband took your attitude I would be racing him to the divorce court!

[Antipodista]

Harsh!

 

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans and if you are living a better life than you expected, why go back to something which wasn't as good? That's just daft. Mind you, if my husband took your attitude I would be racing him to the divorce court!

 

ha! Exactly what I was thinking Quoll! Thanks for your support :-)

[Antipodista]

Thanks to everyone who has taken time to provide constructive feedback and advice, I genuinely appreciate it so much at a really tough time. I just want to do what's best for my kids. And I feel that parents who are together might be best. I'm a child of divorce myself and it's something that I never wanted for my children. So now I'm threatened with it, I have to do what's best for them. When I say "I'll be muserable" of course I won't be walking about with a drab face saying how terrible it all is...again because that won't be fair to my kids. But im not going to pretend that it's what I want, either. What a mess.