Husband wants to return to Oz, I don't, situation is hell

[Keith and Linda]

one of my friends in the uk did viking studies & it led to a wonderful career working on the checkout in tesco. might have been better to study harry potter or the beetles which was also on offer but probably would of ended up on the same checkout.

 

Nothing much changed from the 60's and 70's then! Mathematics uni degree = bus conductor. Astronomy uni degree = wages clerk.

[robfromdublin]

I certainly would not be making this decision based on future job opportunities for the kids. Much more important is their home life and their parents relationship. The schooling side of things will take care of itself. OP, you will end up with a situation where one parent is living on the other side of the world from where they want to be, and that has the potential to be a horrendous experience for that parent and for your kids.

 

The only way around this is to reach some sort of agreement which is acceptable to both you and your husband. There will already be a loss of trust after you agreed a 2 year stay and now you don't want to go back. That will be difficult to overcome but not impossible, as long as you work hard at regaining that trust. If you help make the UK a better place to be for your husband then you have a chance at winning him around, but it's not off to a good start. From his point of view, he has agreed to support his wife to be near her dying father and in return his wife has turned around and said she's not leaving the UK. What's more he will no doubt realise that she can hide behind the Hague convention to make him choose between living where his children are and living where his family is in the event of divorce. What an awful decision that would be, and unfortunately it is quite common.

 

Some free and frank discussion is required. I reckon you can reach some sort of agreement on living in one place and visiting the other regularly, or spending a few yaers in one place before moving to another. For example, you could tweak your career a bit to make you more employable in Oz and then in 5 years time you could go back and have a better time. Obviously, you would need to rebuild trust to ensure that you and your husband actually believe the agreement will be followed through this time. Perhaps returning after 2 years would be a way to do this...

[Zack]

I'm new to the forum and desperate for advice.

My husband and I moved to Australia years ago, he was emigrating with his family and I followed. I never truly thought of Oz as home and suffered from dreadful homesickness, but I love my husband very much and stayed for my relationship. After years of struggle I finally made some great friends (most of which have returned to the uk), we had our gorgeous first baby, and we bought a house (albeit far from any major centre as we couldn't afford to be in the city, but it is a beautiful home and I was excited), and had our second baby.

Just after we bought the house, we had the news that my father had terminal cancer. My husband and I made the decision to rent our Aussie home and come back to the UK to be with my Dad for the time he had left. However the plan was to return to Oz within 2 years.

however, now we are back me and the children have settled in wonderfully, and I am so happy. I have secured a really good job that I just wouldn't get back in Oz, we have so much help with the children from my mum (we had no help from my husband's parents despite the fact that I know they loved the kids), we have reconnected with old friends, my husband has a really flexible job, we live in a lovely area...and I don't and the thought of going back makes me terrified. I feel like the missing piece of me is back and I love seeing my kids thrive. my husband is livid and feels like I have manipulated the situation...it's a total mess.

if we go back we will be depriving the kids of their grandmother (she has such a close relationship with the kids) and my family who love them dearly, and my career and mental health will suffer. But on the flip side, oz is maybe a better place to raise kids? And I don't think my relationship will survive it if we stay here.

anyone been in a similar situation? Can you offer any words of advice or hope?!

thanks

It's a No Brainer Really When you say you love your Husband? Your Place and Your Kids place, Are With Him. Your First Loyalty is with him and His Kids with you.

[bunbury61]

Choice for what? My daughter is doing the course she wants to do at a top Uni, she's off to Madrid and Rome in a few weeks and is well travelled, she's adjudicated at an International Schools scholars event (which will look impressive on her CV), Like everything, we can't make blanket statements that one place is better than the other, only relate our own experiences

 

Sounds a bit defensive to me ....i was only pointing out that in my humble opinion Australia wins in certain facets ,especially while the children are young .

But I feel the u.k and Europe has the distinct advantage for easily accessible life experiences as they get older .

[Antipodista]

It's a No Brainer Really When you say you love your Husband? Your Place and Your Kids place, Are With Him. Your First Loyalty is with him and His Kids with you.

 

fair enough. I will just have to accept that I am not supposed to be happy. Thank you for your input.

[Antipodista]

I certainly would not be making this decision based on future job opportunities for the kids. Much more important is their home life and their parents relationship. The schooling side of things will take care of itself. OP, you will end up with a situation where one parent is living on the other side of the world from where they want to be, and that has the potential to be a horrendous experience for that parent and for your kids.

 

The only way around this is to reach some sort of agreement which is acceptable to both you and your husband. There will already be a loss of trust after you agreed a 2 year stay and now you don't want to go back. That will be difficult to overcome but not impossible, as long as you work hard at regaining that trust. If you help make the UK a better place to be for your husband then you have a chance at winning him around, but it's not off to a good start. From his point of view, he has agreed to support his wife to be near her dying father and in return his wife has turned around and said she's not leaving the UK. What's more he will no doubt realise that she can hide behind the Hague convention to make him choose between living where his children are and living where his family is in the event of divorce. What an awful decision that would be, and unfortunately it is quite common.

 

Some free and frank discussion is required. I reckon you can reach some sort of agreement on living in one place and visiting the other regularly, or spending a few yaers in one place before moving to another. For example, you could tweak your career a bit to make you more employable in Oz and then in 5 years time you could go back and have a better time. Obviously, you would need to rebuild trust to ensure that you and your husband actually believe the agreement will be followed through this time. Perhaps returning after 2 years would be a way to do this...

 

thanks for your input. To clarify, I have not said I'm not leaving, only that I would prefer not to.

[Antipodista]

i feel sorry for your husband. you followed him to oz & decided to marry him & have children now you are going back on the agreement you made with him. i know things can change but it doesnt seem very fair to him. he must feel like you tricked him. i think you just need to decide if you love him or the uk more.

 

To clarify, I have not said I'm not going back! I said me and my kids are happier here. If I was taking the attitude you think, it would be much easier but that would make me very selfish. Thanks for your reply :-)

[Antipodista]

Thanks for your thoughts. Again, I haven't turned around and said I'm not going, I've just said that I am happier here and that I think it would be better here with the children for at least a little while longer.

[Quoll]

To clarify, I have not said I'm not going back! I said me and my kids are happier here. If I was taking the attitude you think, it would be much easier but that would make me very selfish. Thanks for your reply :-)

I think the issue here is that you didn't make the agreement with the intention of reneging on it but that circumstances have changed for you and the kids so you, as a family, have to do what any sensible person would do and that is to re-evaluate based on the new circumstances.

 

If the boot was on the other foot and he had found himself in the position of much preferring to be in a place he thought had been going to be temporary then what would he do? Would be return to the place that is not as good for him? My guess is that he would be making the argument "things are better here why go back when it wasn't as good!"

 

One could equally argue that him demanding you return with the kids when he can see that most of his family are very happy where they are and that cater and relationships are going well is him being very selfish!

 

That's why some sort of negotiated compromise is key to the survival of your relationship and that is often best done with an impartial third party who can help you stay objective and hopefully defuse the emotional aspects. While the "selfish" label is being bandied about and there's anger and fear in the mix it will be hard to make rational decisions.

[Guest241083]

.........I guess when you have experienced other countries.....

.........there is so much more to choose from....to consider with family in both....

.........it's down to needs and wants.....

.........for all of you.....

.........and in family's,sometimes.......someone has to agree to having less met....

.........but I would say the happiness of the family as a whole is the most important thing.....

..........and I wish you luck........a little conversation ,a bit of give and take.....( perhaps as has been said with a councillor)

..........and hopefully a solution that pleases everyone.....

[Antipodista]

I think the issue here is that you didn't make the agreement with the intention of reneging on it but that circumstances have changed for you and the kids so you, as a family, have to do what any sensible person would do and that is to re-evaluate based on the new circumstances.

 

If the boot was on the other foot and he had found himself in the position of much preferring to be in a place he thought had been going to be temporary then what would he do? Would be return to the place that is not as good for him? My guess is that he would be making the argument "things are better here why go back when it wasn't as good!"

 

One could equally argue that him demanding you return with the kids when he can see that most of his family are very happy where they are and that cater and relationships are going well is him being very selfish!

 

That's why some sort of negotiated compromise is key to the survival of your relationship and that is often best done with an impartial third party who can help you stay objective and hopefully defuse the emotional aspects. While the "selfish" label is being bandied about and there's anger and fear in the mix it will be hard to make rational decisions.

 

Thanks Quoll, I appreciate your support and insights so much. Very rational and sensible suggestions on both sides :-)

[Marisawright]

fair enough. I will just have to accept that I am not supposed to be happy.

 

NO! NO! NO! That is never a solution. But of course, it's not right that your husband should sacrifice his happiness too. Which is why so many of us are suggesting marriage counselling. Not that your marriage is in trouble, but you DO need someone in between to help you both express how you're feeling and reach a decision you can both live with.

 

I know it shouldn't be the case, you're both adults and you might think you should be able to thrash it out between you - but when you try to have the discussion on your own, it gets derailed far too easily. There's no substitute for having someone impartial to keep the debate on track.

Edited August 8, 2016 by Marisawright

[ali]

Sounds a bit defensive to me ....i was only pointing out that in my humble opinion Australia wins in certain facets ,especially while the children are young .

But I feel the u.k and Europe has the distinct advantage for easily accessible life experiences as they get older .

 

Perhaps a little defensive - I've become a little worn down with the postings that older children will be disadvantaged in Aus - some will, some won't , some will grasp the opportunities given to them and have great life experiences that their counterparts may not. Quantity doesn't equal quality.

[robfromdublin]

thanks for your input. To clarify, I have not said I'm not leaving, only that I would prefer not to.

 

Yes fair enough, you want your husband to share your view that your family's circumstances are much better in the UK. They may well be but he may take a while to share that view, especially if he personally does not like the UK. It would be a bitter pill to swallow for anyone, and it can also be quite subjective. If I were in your position and trying to demonstrate that life was better in one place then I'd be doing all I could to ensure that your husband has the time of his life there. Or at the very least has some of his deepest worries addressed.

[Antipodista]

Yes fair enough, you want your husband to share your view that your family's circumstances are much better in the UK. They may well be but he may take a while to share that view, especially if he personally does not like the UK. It would be a bitter pill to swallow for anyone, and it can also be quite subjective. If I were in your position and trying to demonstrate that life was better in one place then I'd be doing all I could to ensure that your husband has the time of his life there. Or at the very least has some of his deepest worries addressed.

 

hi Rob, I am doing believe me :-) His happiness is just as important as mine. I think a good thing is that it is much cheaper to travel to oz from here than the other way, so lots of trips back there would be in order as a start. I'm also pointing out the extensive beer selections in Tesco and the cheaper cost of alcohol... ;-) A very tough situation. Thanks for your input.

[robfromdublin]

I wish you all the best. I'm also from a 'mixed marriage' and we had previously agreed to move back to Ireland at some indeterminate time in the future. Certainly we intend to spend a few years in each country. Where we end up long term is still up in the air so I'll probably start a very similar thread in about 5 years

[tea4too]

I understand the dilemma of a promise – if you make one knowing all the circumstances then in most cases I too think there is an obligation to honour the commitment.

 

But, life has moved on and the commitment you now face is very different to the one you both originally agreed to. You could not know for certain that you would be happier in the UK, that your children would settle so well, that you would find a job, a home and a life that you value more than the one you left behind. Your husband didn’t know that either, and while you have been putting down roots he has probably been marking time until the family returns to Aus. But it is no longer a simple case of keeping a promise – the price has changed and what you stand to lose as a family, let alone individuals, is significant if you cannot agree and find a way forward. There will be a compromise if you both want to find it, and counseling will help you to do that so has to be worth a try. Good luck Antipodista - it's a difficult but not an impossible situation :hug:. T x

[bunbury61]

I understand the dilemma of a promise – if you make one knowing all the circumstances then in most cases I too think there is an obligation to honour the commitment.

 

But, life has moved on and the commitment you now face is very different to the one you both originally agreed to. You could not know for certain that you would be happier in the UK, that your children would settle so well, that you would find a job, a home and a life that you value more than the one you left behind. Your husband didn’t know that either, and while you have been putting down roots he has probably been marking time until the family returns to Aus. But it is no longer a simple case of keeping a promise – the price has changed and what you stand to lose as a family, let alone individuals, is significant if you cannot agree and find a way forward. There will be a compromise if you both want to find it, and counseling will help you to do that so has to be worth a try. Good luck Antipodista - it's a difficult but not an impossible situation :hug:. T x

 

Well said

[Quoll]

hi Rob, I am doing believe me :-) His happiness is just as important as mine. I think a good thing is that it is much cheaper to travel to oz from here than the other way, so lots of trips back there would be in order as a start. I'm also pointing out the extensive beer selections in Tesco and the cheaper cost of alcohol... ;-) A very tough situation. Thanks for your input.

 

And don't forget the more generous holiday provisions as a general rule plus the low cost of exotic holidays and weekend get aways to interesting places. My DH has become immersed in British History and though he is much older than yours, he is happily ticking off Cathedrals and Castles - something which, just a few years ago, would have bored him to tears! Don't forget all the gigs, carnivals, fetes etc!

[lp77]

@Antipodista sorry to hear your dilemma. My hubby's family love kids but not as involved as my parents are. We've just moved to Oz, job situation not great for hubby and he now sees many benefits of life in UK, healthcare, bank charges... And he was never out of work for more than a week or two.

what age are your kids? We love the beach and I love the weather we're in Queensland.

no easy answer, I think we take access to Europe USA etc and UK for granted when living there but here you can visit Asia Pacific easily..

before we left my friends said to me 'you've got to want it too' hubby n I met in UK and had chat before getting together n married. Then had kids and we set a 5yr plan to come to Oz and I pushed it back to 10yrs.. I would regret not trying it so we came over six months ago and kids took a while to settle and it's time for me to find my path now here. Miss my family n friends but happy here with hubby n kids. Cooking cleaning n shopping no different than home one of the Hardest thing (I imagine) as u found is unwell parent and being far away but you were able to get back.

You can't sacrifice your own self/mental health and hope you find a compromise. As someone else said life happens and u need to look honestly at what you're gaining/losing in Oz/UK.

Good luck hope it works out. Xx

[Wojtek]

From what I have read Australia academically is not such a great place to raise kids. Maybe when they are small, but teens etc - different ball game. Like I wrote though - this is info I have gathered from various articles, one being from a teacher wiorking there on work experience and not from info first hand.

[newjez]

I'm new to the forum and desperate for advice.

My husband and I moved to Australia years ago, he was emigrating with his family and I followed. I never truly thought of Oz as home and suffered from dreadful homesickness, but I love my husband very much and stayed for my relationship. After years of struggle I finally made some great friends (most of which have returned to the uk), we had our gorgeous first baby, and we bought a house (albeit far from any major centre as we couldn't afford to be in the city, but it is a beautiful home and I was excited), and had our second baby.

Just after we bought the house, we had the news that my father had terminal cancer. My husband and I made the decision to rent our Aussie home and come back to the UK to be with my Dad for the time he had left. However the plan was to return to Oz within 2 years.

however, now we are back me and the children have settled in wonderfully, and I am so happy. I have secured a really good job that I just wouldn't get back in Oz, we have so much help with the children from my mum (we had no help from my husband's parents despite the fact that I know they loved the kids), we have reconnected with old friends, my husband has a really flexible job, we live in a lovely area...and I don't and the thought of going back makes me terrified. I feel like the missing piece of me is back and I love seeing my kids thrive. my husband is livid and feels like I have manipulated the situation...it's a total mess.

if we go back we will be depriving the kids of their grandmother (she has such a close relationship with the kids) and my family who love them dearly, and my career and mental health will suffer. But on the flip side, oz is maybe a better place to raise kids? And I don't think my relationship will survive it if we stay here.

anyone been in a similar situation? Can you offer any words of advice or hope?!

thanks

 

 

I'll try not to judge. I really don't think comments like that are helpful.

 

I am in a similar situation. I'm an Australian living in the UK with an English wife, coping with dismal summer after dismal summer, so I have some idea of what you are going through. Actually I quite like the UK although I would prefer to be in Australia.

 

First thing to accept is there are no winners here. Everyone loses a bit. You can't make everyone happy.

 

Second thing to accept is, everything gets harder as the kids get older. Especially if you have a third. You can't take them out of school, and airfares cost a fortune during holidays, especially at Xmas and Easter . So be prepared. You also have exams and holiday homework to contend with. So think about how descions you make now will affect you later on.

 

Try and agree with your husband to put the kids first. Despite what has been said above, both countries have advantages. Not all uk teenagers become alcoholics. Not all Australian teenagers become meth heads. Kids from both can be active, or they can be Xbox addicted lumps of lard. But extended family is important and should factor in the equation.

 

You do have to accept promises you have made or they will become a wedge. But, you shouldn't agree to a bad descion just because of a promise. Things change.

 

My personal experience? My wife and I have agreed that we would like to live in Australia. But we aren't moving there yet as it's not in the interests of our children.

 

Oh, and my bug bear, I didn't appreciate being dragged all over the world as a child. Holidays are great, but kids need some stability, and migrating is stressful and damaging. (Exception is forces children, as they must get that identify from the forces) Try and get it right. You sound like you've had enough stress.

Edited August 8, 2016 by newjez

[Antipodista]

I understand the dilemma of a promise – if you make one knowing all the circumstances then in most cases I too think there is an obligation to honour the commitment.

 

But, life has moved on and the commitment you now face is very different to the one you both originally agreed to. You could not know for certain that you would be happier in the UK, that your children would settle so well, that you would find a job, a home and a life that you value more than the one you left behind. Your husband didn’t know that either, and while you have been putting down roots he has probably been marking time until the family returns to Aus. But it is no longer a simple case of keeping a promise – the price has changed and what you stand to lose as a family, let alone individuals, is significant if you cannot agree and find a way forward. There will be a compromise if you both want to find it, and counseling will help you to do that so has to be worth a try. Good luck Antipodista - it's a difficult but not an impossible situation :hug:. T x

thanks for your support T.

[paulrickett]

Manipulated the situation???? My God, your Dad had terminal cancer, stay...and if he still wants to go back let him, you stay where you belong

Edited August 21, 2016 by paulrickett

[Wojtek]

Manipulated the situation???? My God, your Dad had terminal cancer, stay...and if he still wants to go back let him, you stay where you belong

It doesnt quite work that way when u have kids. If there were no children then im sure it would be no problem. But going with the idea that 'screw it. He wants to go then let him go, im staying!' Means that you are taking away from the children what is most important, and thats a home with mum and dad.

I feel very sorry for you in this situation as its a very difficult one. You want to stay and your husband just as much as you want to stay, wants to return to oz.

Maybe an agreement that you will go back to oz and try to move somewhere closer to the city? That way it would be easier for you to find friends and suitable work? Something like a start from new again..