Suicide?

[newjez]

Got to admit, although I haven't recently thought of suicide, I have thought of giving up fighting, every bit of treatment I have, every op I have they find something else. I'm no longer a woman who feels sexy for her hubby but a freak. Only tonight I had a breakdown on how I looked.

The only thing that makes me continue fighting is I know my husband would give up on life if anything happens and my children would be alone. So yes, I have bad days, really bad days, sometimes weeks, but I always get over them. However, if I was on my own I think stopping fighting and just going to sleep away from the pain and the hospitals would be easier.

 

 

Just two years ago my lungs were giving me trouble. Constant chest infections. You take breathing for granted until you can't. Coughing all night. No sleep for months. I would cough so much I'd throw up. I preyed to die. I said if this is it, please let me die. But they gave me medication and things improved. My bloods are still low, and I should be I'll. I'm not on medication, but I'm riding my mountain bike up ditching beacon. Can't explain it, but hey. Who knows what is around my corner. But all I can do is bank the good moments.

[Marisawright]

Lifeline - always a good option to start using 131114 when that sort of thinking becomes intrusive.

 

I second Lifeline - I was alone in Sydney at Christmas when my oh phoned me to tell me he wasn't coming back from a trip because he was leaving me. All my friends were on holidays and I didn't know who to call, so I called Lifeline.

 

For some reason (maybe that British "don't-make-a-fuss" gene), I felt really silly making that call and nearly hung up before they answered - but they were just wonderful.

[starlight7]

Jessie there are some wise thoughts here. Promise you will keep coming back and we will all support you as much as we can. Seek help now you have been brave enough to tell us and please don't think your feelings are unimportant/imaginary. Talk as much as possible to those you trust.

[bunbury61]

I know that this is a deep question, but when it's got so low has anyone ever contemplated this? Can you be finanancially secure yet still get them moments when you think about it? Does having children make you think twice about thinking about it? Or can you get so low that nothing can change how you think about it? Is it a mental illness? is it deliberate? Is it momentary loss of thought? Is there really help out there?

 

I can only add to the articulate posts above ....DEPRESSION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MONEY AND FINANCIAL SECURITY .

 

Footballer stan collymore ,then on £20,000 a week had a bad bout of depression ...he seems to be doing well now though .

 

Footballer Gary speed seemingly had it all ...beautiful wife ,children ,a glittering career ,a beautiful home ,and he was doing very well as manager of wales ...and he committed suicide ...

[Rachel Tilley]

Hi Jessie,

 

To answer your question, yes, I've thought about suicide as a 'way out' on a few occasions through my life but I've never actually tried.

 

During some of my darkest moments I have thought about how I would do it, what I would leave in my note, plan it all in detail... and then shut the door on the idea and think of another solution or way of coping.

 

I have had quite a lot of counselling over the past 12 years and learnt that it is quite normal for people to consider suicide as an option when they feel they are unable to cope with life but only a few actually go through with it. Sadly, those 'few' do amount to several thousand people per year.

 

One counsellor I saw explained the thought process as a bit like those puzzles you see for children where a lot of squiggly lines lead to different things. I was in the middle and had to follow each line through all the mess and the tangles to an open door, and behind each door was a solution. If I didn't like the solution behind that door then I could close it and return to the middle and start again. One of the lines would always lead to a door where suicide was an option. For me, I closed that door, but for some they will leave it open and return to it time and again, until sometimes, sadly, it's the only door left open.

 

As others have already suggested, some of the things that were behind the other doors of my squiggly lines were:

 

Talk to someone you trust (friend or relative) about how you feel

Talk to your GP

Call a helpline

Take medication

Get counselling or other therapies

Take some time out for yourself to have some peace and do something entirely for you

Ask for help with whatever it is that is getting you down (it could be that your work load is too much to cope with for instance)

 

I've learned that it's okay to ask for help and I often wear my heart on my sleeve. This was difficult for me to start with as I was brought up in a family where things were kept private. My mum still does keep things very private and would never tell friends certain things. She'd be horrified to know what sort of things I post on a public forum about myself for instance, she just wouldn't understand why I'd expose such private matters to people. However, I soon found out that trying to keep that stoic "I'm fine and I can cope" attitude didn't do me any good at all.

 

I think forums like this can be a great help to people. Most of us will have no idea who each other is, where we live, whether we use real names or not, yet we can tell by the nature of the posts we write whether we are caring people or not. So in the modern world we can also add community forums as a source of help in times of crisis too.

[Shayman]

I would probably say that I'm happy and content 70%, sad 10% and on a high 20% of the time.

 

It is in my nature to have mood fluctuations, and it doesn't take much to set me off in any particular direction.

I'm 28 and over the past few years my "low" periods have often been linked to feeling bored and unfulfilled with my office job (in spite of it providing me with a comfortable salary and a pretty cushy work/life balance) often leading to feelings of anxiety, irritability, restlessness and pointlessness. Sometimes I wonder if I'd have been much happier working behind a bar all of my life instead despite the pay gap...

 

Most of the time though I accept that my life is pretty great and that I have no real reasons to complain.

 

In terms of suicidal thoughts, I don't think I could ever put my family and OH through this no matter how bad things were, but appreciate the mind can act in mysterious ways and that many people have to deal with things which make the average persons issues look like a walk in the park in comparison.

[Marisawright]

I do feel very very low, and yet I cannot explain it, I do have moments when I feel everyone would be better off without me, I did finally tell hubby I had these feelings, he went straight into overdrive "I did a course about this just last week" (his company have FIFO workers, thank gawd they are being educated" ) he's now booked us into the GP, insists we go together, says he's gonna say his bit, just feel happy. Someone loves and care about mr enough to to want to help xxxxx

 

It's great that your hubby is supporting you and you're going to get help.

 

I would just say - I agree that usually, there's no obvious reason to justify why you'd want to end it all. However, often there IS something that has sparked it all off. That thing may seem trivial, but to you it's important and no matter how small, it's been the trigger than has snowballed into these frightening thoughts. You can get treatment for the way you feel, but to really get back on an even keel, you need to address the underlying trigger.

 

What is happening in your family life that you're unhappy about? Are you giving up your own hopes and dreams about something for the sake of the family? Do you feel you've lost control over your own life because all the decisions are being made for everyone else and not you?

[kyliedonut]

 

 

 

I think forums like this can be a great help to people. Most of us will have no idea who each other is, where we live, whether we use real names or not, yet we can tell by the nature of the posts we write whether we are caring people or not. So in the modern world we can also add community forums as a source of help in times of crisis too.

 

Absolutely. If you cannot speak to friends/family/partner yet, then please "speak" to people on this forum, and feel free to keep airing your thoughts/worries/concerns.

[Sustain]

People generally do care, but they need to know before they can help you.

 

Life is not to be endured in isolation, and yes everyone is worth saving.

 

If the people you reach out to don't understand, get to someone who does.

 

Its better to have a chance to work it through with you, than read in tomorrows papers.

[Phoenix16]

I have hidden away from this thread feeling ashamed and embarrassed, i really believed 'the usual suspects' would have waded in with their insensitive comments and I simply did not feel strong enough to read them, but tonight curiosity overcame me and I have been so happily, pleasantly surprised because all comments were so positive and also sharing own experiences, thank you so much xxx I want to share with you that I am feeling so much better and I hope this helps others. I basically hit rock bottom I feel, we went to see my GP the next day (hubby and me together), I was urgently referred to a Psychiatrist, I saw him the next morning, basically he was superb, I have felt as happy as larry all week since, just knowing I am finally going to deal with this, and being assured I can be helped, it feels empowering, I do realise this may be a 'manic' over reaction to finally getting help and I have a long road ahead, but I really do feel happy and positive about the future. I also do feel extremely embarrassed that I had a melt down on a public form, albeit one that feels like a family, but you know what, its been a massive help so thank you to everyone who shared their stories, we are a family even though we've never met and I thank you all so much xxx

 

And...I just scored 3 HD's in my first 3 exams so i not a complete nutter ha ha!!!

Edited April 1, 2016 by Phoenix16
addendum!

[ali]

I have hidden away from this thread feeling ashamed and embarrassed, i really believed 'the usual suspects' would have waded in with their insensitive comments and I simply did not feel strong enough to read them, but tonight curiosity overcame me and I have been so happily, pleasantly surprised because all comments were so positive and also sharing own experiences, thank you so much xxx I want to share with you that I am feeling so much better and I hope this helps others. I basically hit rock bottom I feel, we went to see my GP the next day (hubby and me together), I was urgently referred to a Psychiatrist, I saw him the next morning, basically he was superb, I have felt as happy as larry all week since, just knowing I am finally going to deal with this, and being assured I can be helped, it feels empowering, I do realise this may be a 'manic' over reaction to finally getting help and I have a long road ahead, but I really do feel happy and positive about the future. I also do feel extremely embarrassed that I had a melt down on a public form, albeit one that feels like a family, but you know what, its been a massive help so thank you to everyone who shared their stories, we are a family even though we've never met and I thank you all so much xxx

 

And...I just scored 3 HD's in my first 3 exams so i not a complete nutter ha ha!!!

 

Well done you ... For absolutely everything x

[Johndoe]

I have hidden away from this thread feeling ashamed and embarrassed, i really believed 'the usual suspects' would have waded in with their insensitive comments and I simply did not feel strong enough to read them, but tonight curiosity overcame me and I have been so happily, pleasantly surprised because all comments were so positive and also sharing own experiences, thank you so much xxx I want to share with you that I am feeling so much better and I hope this helps others. I basically hit rock bottom I feel, we went to see my GP the next day (hubby and me together), I was urgently referred to a Psychiatrist, I saw him the next morning, basically he was superb, I have felt as happy as larry all week since, just knowing I am finally going to deal with this, and being assured I can be helped, it feels empowering, I do realise this may be a 'manic' over reaction to finally getting help and I have a long road ahead, but I really do feel happy and positive about the future. I also do feel extremely embarrassed that I had a melt down on a public form, albeit one that feels like a family, but you know what, its been a massive help so thank you to everyone who shared their stories, we are a family even though we've never met and I thank you all so much xxx

 

Hi chook,

 

Yes, PIO is a great place to find a sympathetic ear.

 

Don't feel embarrassed hun. I've spilled my guts so many times on here that I'm past feeling embarrassed because I know that the folk who really care, are those who really matter, and they would never judge, but if they do, it would only be to knock some sense into me aka get me back on track.

 

Glad things are working out for you and that you can see things more clearly, and particularly glad that you sought help from the professionals.............as much as we would like to help, and think we are helping, we aren't all qualified to deal, despite our best intentions.

Friday is "goon night" for me, the only night that I allow myself a drinkie, so suffice to say, I've had a few so will talk later. Lovely to see that you are much more upbeat. It can only get better gal. We're here for you :hug::hug:

[VERYSTORMY]

Do not feel embarrassed. What you are going through is far more common than you think. The main thing is that you are getting the support and that you have being able to spot it and address is quickly enough.

 

There are a lot of us that have been affected by this - both my daughter and brother committed suicide and my wife has had issues with severe depression in the past. The one thing I have learned from this is that many of us go through it and all too often people try to go through it in silence which is the big mistake.

 

What you are now doing though is great and I am sure you will get though it and come out the stronger for it on the other side. I was very lucky that my wife addressed hers, just like you are and although it took a bit of time, we got there with the help of professionals and she is now in such a better place in all aspects of her life - of course, she still gets upset with things, but these are the normal things and she feels the normal level of upset - usually me when I do something stupid like spill red wine on a white carpet (I have a bad habit of that). But, she doesn't get the dark thoughts any more.

 

The forum is actually a wonderful place and I have seen people receive the most amazing help on here.

[Phoenix16]

Hi chook,

 

Yes, PIO is a great place to find a sympathetic ear.

 

Don't feel embarrassed hun. I've spilled my guts so many times on here that I'm past feeling embarrassed because I know that the folk who really care, are those who really matter, and they would never judge, but if they do, it would only be to knock some sense into me aka get me back on track.

 

Glad things are working out for you and that you can see things more clearly, and particularly glad that you sought help from the professionals.............as much as we would like to help, and think we are helping, we aren't all qualified to deal, despite our best intentions.

Friday is "goon night" for me, the only night that I allow myself a drinkie, so suffice to say, I've had a few so will talk later. Lovely to see that you are much more upbeat. It can only get better gal. We're here for you :hug::hug:

 

you enjoy your goon lovely man, love ya to bits xxxxx

[Johndoe]

you enjoy your goon lovely man, love ya to bits xxxxx

 

Ditto.

[Phoenix16]

Do not feel embarrassed. What you are going through is far more common than you think. The main thing is that you are getting the support and that you have being able to spot it and address is quickly enough.

 

There are a lot of us that have been affected by this - both my daughter and brother committed suicide and my wife has had issues with severe depression in the past. The one thing I have learned from this is that many of us go through it and all too often people try to go through it in silence which is the big mistake.

 

What you are now doing though is great and I am sure you will get though it and come out the stronger for it on the other side. I was very lucky that my wife addressed hers, just like you are and although it took a bit of time, we got there with the help of professionals and she is now in such a better place in all aspects of her life - of course, she still gets upset with things, but these are the normal things and she feels the normal level of upset - usually me when I do something stupid like spill red wine on a white carpet (I have a bad habit of that). But, she doesn't get the dark thoughts any more.

 

The forum is actually a wonderful place and I have seen people receive the most amazing help on here.

 

VS, I have such immense respect, for your words and for sharing, us complicated women are very lucky to have such wonderful and amazing men who love us and support us, no matter what xxx I love my hubby to bits, he's my best friend, i know Ive put him through the 'wringer' at times, but his unconditional love for me has kept me going in the darkest times, xxxxxxx

[M1cha3la]

I have hidden away from this thread feeling ashamed and embarrassed, i really believed 'the usual suspects' would have waded in with their insensitive comments and I simply did not feel strong enough to read them, but tonight curiosity overcame me and I have been so happily, pleasantly surprised because all comments were so positive and also sharing own experiences, thank you so much xxx I want to share with you that I am feeling so much better and I hope this helps others. I basically hit rock bottom I feel, we went to see my GP the next day (hubby and me together), I was urgently referred to a Psychiatrist, I saw him the next morning, basically he was superb, I have felt as happy as larry all week since, just knowing I am finally going to deal with this, and being assured I can be helped, it feels empowering, I do realise this may be a 'manic' over reaction to finally getting help and I have a long road ahead, but I really do feel happy and positive about the future. I also do feel extremely embarrassed that I had a melt down on a public form, albeit one that feels like a family, but you know what, its been a massive help so thank you to everyone who shared their stories, we are a family even though we've never met and I thank you all so much xxx

 

And...I just scored 3 HD's in my first 3 exams so i not a complete nutter ha ha!!!

 

 

Huge congratulations on your first 3 exams. I am so glad that you are starting to feel better and it sounds like you have an amazing hubby to support you. I am 100% rooting for you :hug: xx

[Marisawright]

And...I just scored 3 HD's in my first 3 exams so i not a complete nutter ha ha!!!

 

Well done you! Actually, in my experience it's often the brightest and most intelligent of people who struggle with depression. Look at people like Stephen Fry.

[louloubelle]

What wonderful supportive words from people.

I myself have never suffered with depression but as a mental health clinician have seen first hand the devestating effects suicide has. I've witnessed people take their lives whom I have been caring for, friends and extended family members and I cannot even begin to understand how people must feel for them to get to the point of contemplating suicide. What I do know from my work as a crisis practitioner that the hardest part for people was picking up the phone and asking for help. People were often shocked when I would talk so openly about suicide as I feel GPs, family, friends do not want to ask the question in fear of the response and not knowing how to deal with it. Just by asking for help and being truthful about your thoughts it's very brave and often the first step to getting better. I always tell people it's easier to work with knowing how they are feeling rather than not knowing. I only wish there was more being done to educate people on suicide and mental health issues in general.

[Gbye grey sky]

I am fortunate never to have suffered depression or been touched by it AFAIK. At first I felt quite intrusive even reading this thread but am glad that I did as it has been an eye-opener for me and I have been really touched by the responses you received Jessie. It must be a blessing to know that you are in such great company.

 

It does seem so wrong that so many clearly wonderful and worthy people feel suicidal. Hope that sharing your experiences has helped you all as much as it has enlightened me to the problems some quietly face.

[Petals]

I have depression and been on meds for ever will never be off them. It takes so many forms, not just suicidal thoughts but actually makes people physically ill and often doctors treat the wrong illness. When we finally find out what is wrong with us and get the right treatment life is so much better. I know when I need to increase my meds and when I can decrease again. Stitch in time. I have personal experience of suicide, my best friend's daughter died that way at 25 and she was being treated and sometimes its so unexpected. That is why its important that once you have a thought speak to your doctor. Speak to anyone, catch a coffee with a good listening person. Prevention is speaking up, we must speak up.

[Lambethlad]

The thought of suicide probably passes through my mind every day. I'm a master at self-loathing and not much good at anything else. I have had quite a few friends and acquaintances who have taken their own lives and in some way I admire their decision and being able to carry it out. Suicide goes against every human instinct for survival and to go against this and take one's own life is a triumph of the will over instinct and fear. Some people are just so damaged, defective and full of pain, why should we judge them if they choose the bliss of non-existence. As for me, I don't have the courage or willpower and I think of loved one's who despite my faults and failures still care about me and wouldn't want me gone.

[Guest]

I don't want to dismiss the pain someone must be in to suicide. Far from it i have seen first hand how much they struggle with their demons. However i don't consider it brave or anything as such to suicide. It in my belief is far more brave to live and battle those demons. Lambethlad you are the one to be admired and considered brave for not leaving your family and friends to wonder for always if there was anything more they could've done etc. Continue to be strong in your fight lad. Hugs for you.

[Lambethlad]

My dad was a nasty, physically and emotionally abusive drunk - so I believe this is what triggered my depression and suicidal thoughts from an age of around 6 years old. However, having lifelong depression you develop coping skills and self-knowledge of your own condition and know that the bout of depression will pass eventually. I think it is more dangerous for those people who lead a happy and well-adjusted life and have never suffered depression and out of the blue are struck down and fall into a black hole and feel like there is no hope and no way back. I think these people are more at risk. I always ask people if everything is okay if I notice they seem a bit down and it gives them a chance to talk if they feel like it. It is hard because nobody wants to appear nosey or interfering.

[LKC]

My dad was a nasty, physically and emotionally abusive drunk - so I believe this is what triggered my depression and suicidal thoughts from an age of around 6 years old. However, having lifelong depression you develop coping skills and self-knowledge of your own condition and know that the bout of depression will pass eventually. I think it is more dangerous for those people who lead a happy and well-adjusted life and have never suffered depression and out of the blue are struck down and fall into a black hole and feel like there is no hope and no way back. I think these people are more at risk. I always ask people if everything is okay if I notice they seem a bit down and it gives them a chance to talk if they feel like it. It is hard because nobody wants to appear nosey or interfering.

 

I've often thought that about long-term depression versus those who are struck down out of the blue. When I was little my dad was a wonderful man, but my mum was always very cold and unloving towards me even when I was a small child, and used to pick on me relentlessly, telling me I was stupid and fat and that I'd just end up on the scrap heap of life, very emotionally abusive. I know that that is why I started with the eating disorder, the anxiety, the depression etc, but being in my 40's now I have had a lifetime of dealing with depression and anxiety and can usually see it coming and head it off before it gets too bad. One of my friends got post-natal depression completely out of the blue with no previous history of depression at all, and she was far, far worse than me. She was put on antipsychotics it got so bad, although I believe that she is off them now. My friend couldn't reconcile what was happening to her with the perfect life she had. I suppose for me I've had it for so long that it has just become part of my personality, so I can accept it and deal with it in my own quiet way when it comes.