Seizethedance Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Those who feel settled and never want to return to UK - what makes the difference and what advice to a newbie? We're making the move in August to regional Vic where my hubby is from and plan to settle there for good. We will be near his family and so for us this will of course make it so much easier to settle and for him it's going home. Our kids are young (4 and 1) and so they will grow up Aussie. But I read a lot on here about longing for home, and I worry about never feeling truly settled. Would love to hear from those who feel Australia is their forever home - what advice would you have? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 If you'd have asked me after 10 even 20 years I'd have said it was probably going to be forever but at 30 yrs I couldn't wait to leave for a whole host of reasons. I would say the biggest thing is not to allow yourself to become trapped. For me, it was the realisation that I was trapped (however life subsequently threw me a curve ball and I won big time!) that made me hate Australia - all those other little niggling things became insurmountable. Only way I could cope was to leave for long holidays whenever it got too bad. So, to that end, the first thing is NOT to leave UK without your DH has his citizenship. This really is vital because if you should decide you want to return and he doesn't have citizenship then you are likely to be screwed as the spouse visa conditions are really draconian. Second thing is to read the sticky thread on The Hague Convention and have a frank and fearless discussion with your DH about what if you don't like it - and regional Vic may not to be to everyone's taste - will he return with you or, heaven forbid, if your relationship goes tits up what will be his stance on letting you return with your kids. It looks like there is nothing that can be done to protect yourself by way of signed agreements (not yet tested in court) but be aware that courts won't let kids go if one parent says no. Another thing I would suggest - and I know not everyone will agree - is not to move back to his home town. I know the notion of support sounds appealing but I have had pms from too many women who have found that they became a bit like a third wheel in the process when they've done that move and they are now very isolated. He will have everythin - family, friends and familiarity you won't have anything. It doesn't take much for resentment to set in when you see his family experiencing everything and your family missing out on everything. I'm sure some people have fabulous relationships with their in laws (as did I) but remember that they will always back him! Far better IMHO for your little family unit to be making a familiar home together not with the knowledge and power being one sided - an hour away should be enough! I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear and the chances are it'll be fine but I always reckon forewarned is forearmed, just don't burn any bridges in the process. Good luck, it'll be an adventure! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobj Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Simple, it's a fabulous life, treat yours that way... Cheers, Bobj. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seizethedance Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Thanks Quoll for the detailed reply, lot's to think about. Hubby has British citizenship, and I think he'd be ok returning to the UK if I really wanted to (jobs permitting), it has been more me pushing this move than him. We're initially basing ourselves 20 minutes away from his parents and we hope it's a nice town with a bit more about it than some other country towns (we're heading for Beechworth). I guess we're actually lucky that he left there as a sprightly 17 year old and that was long ago now (!) so other than parents and brother he doesn't know anyone there and to be honest a lot about Australia in general will feel quite new to him I think, he's been in the UK 12 years now. I suppose it's important to work on making Australia home in the early years. For us, there isn't really anywhere in the UK that feels like 'home' anyway - we love where we live now but only been here 5 years and before that all over the place. I hope we can both make Australia home together and I know how lucky we are to have this option! As Bobj rightly points out, there is much that is fabulous about life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 In my case, starting work as soon as I arrived helped me settle. That sounds a bit odd but the friendly bunch (all Aussies) I worked with made me feel so welcome. At the weekends OH and I spent time finding a decent place to live and generally exploring the whole area of Sydney so didn't have time to feel homesick. After a year in Sydney we moved to Perth so didn't know anybody there but quickly made friends - all Aussies again we met through work. Husband's Australian but his family all moved back to the UK so no family here but I suppose because we had both travelled and lived outside the UK prior to coming here it made it easier to settle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Thanks Quoll for the detailed reply, lot's to think about. Hubby has British citizenship, and I think he'd be ok returning to the UK if I really wanted to (jobs permitting), it has been more me pushing this move than him. We're initially basing ourselves 20 minutes away from his parents and we hope it's a nice town with a bit more about it than some other country towns (we're heading for Beechworth). I guess we're actually lucky that he left there as a sprightly 17 year old and that was long ago now (!) so other than parents and brother he doesn't know anyone there and to be honest a lot about Australia in general will feel quite new to him I think, he's been in the UK 12 years now. I suppose it's important to work on making Australia home in the early years. For us, there isn't really anywhere in the UK that feels like 'home' anyway - we love where we live now but only been here 5 years and before that all over the place. I hope we can both make Australia home together and I know how lucky we are to have this option! As Bobj rightly points out, there is much that is fabulous about life What does your hubby do for a job. Will he get a job easily in Beechworth. Living in a country town is very different to the city so you will either like the country life or not. I'm a city slicker and would go mental in the country. But availability of work could be a problem. I would consider living in Melbourne and drive to Beechworth to visit the parents rather than live there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Those who feel settled and never want to return to UK - what makes the difference and what advice to a newbie? I don't think it's anything you can do, really - it comes down to personality, previous life experience and family. Like you, I had already moved away from my hometown long before I migrated, and I'd been a bit of a nomad - so I no longer had a home to feel homesick about. I was also used to being separated from family - albeit not such a long distance - and I've never been that close to my family anyway, so moving far away didn't worry me. The people who have the most problems are the people who've never left their home area and are constantly in touch with their family. They tend to have a very strong sense of "home" so they'll be very homesick, and feel horribly isolated when they leave the cocoon of family, and there's really nothing they can do to change that. I'm moving back after 30 years, but for practical reasons, not because I'm unhappy in Oz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Things that helped us settle were finding a routine very quickly, work, school etc., Even though it can feel like a holiday initially, we consciously reminded ourselves it wasn't - this was real life in a new country. Not expecting Australia to be an extension of Britain - and we were migrants who would have to learn to fit in, we didn't refer to the UK as home, we tried lots of alternative brands of food stuff/tea to find some we liked (took me ages to find a gravy I liked lol). The main thing for us, was being invested in the move as a family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grahamffc Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 As someone mentioned above I think it would be really helpful to move somewhere that is new to both of you, where you can both discover somewhere new and make new friends together. I'm saying this as someone who moved to my ex partners hometown which was a disaster! That said it is probably really helpful to at least be aware of this so you are prepared and try to prevent it being a problem. For example making the effort to go out for dinner with just the two of you rather than always involving his family or friends, which sounds easy but to them may seem rude because you have only just moved there and now want to avoid them. Also since you've got kids it's possibly far more practical than living somewhere totally new, that's not a consideration I've ever had to make. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buzzy--bee Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Those who feel settled and never want to return to UK - what makes the difference and what advice to a newbie? Would love to hear from those who feel Australia is their forever home - what advice would you have? Emigrate mentally before you emigrate physically. Live for your life in Australia in the last few months of your life in the UK. Bore your friends talking about your new life. I also made a list of everything that pissed me off about my life in the UK and kept it in a document entitled "read this if you ever get homesick". I was settled in Australia well before the plane landed. Still am after 8 years. BB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MARYROSE02 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Those who feel settled and never want to return to UK - what makes the difference and what advice to a newbie? We're making the move in August to regional Vic where my hubby is from and plan to settle there for good. We will be near his family and so for us this will of course make it so much easier to settle and for him it's going home. Our kids are young (4 and 1) and so they will grow up Aussie. But I read a lot on here about longing for home, and I worry about never feeling truly settled. Would love to hear from those who feel Australia is their forever home - what advice would you have? I know a couple like you - Pommie girl, Aussie guy, who met in England, married there, lived there, and made the decision to move to Sydney. They are both Spurs fans, by the way, which is how I met them, or rather the guy, who is the more fervent fan. Come to think of it, I gave him a lift home to Newtown in torrential rain, the first time he came to the pub to watch a game. Everytime I see them, I always ask her how she is going, living in Sydney? Of course, she misses her family, and I think she would resent the notion that she is somehow forced to 'tag' on along with HIS family and HIS friends, as if incapable of forging her own (new) social network. I never been married, but I still find the idea that moving to your partner's home town to be close to his or her' family, wherever that is, is somehow bad? I'm presuming this is a 'what's good for the goose, is good for the gander' argument, and it's just as bad for a man to move near his wife's family, if it is 'bad?' My brother met a Sydney girl, married her, and instantly acquired a new family. (His in-laws are Italian migrants, by the way. They have absolutely no desire to move back to Italy either, though I imagine it must have been tough for them when they first came to OZ in the early 1950's.) My 'dream' migration for you is that you like your partner's family and/or friends, your mother-in-law, and sisters-in-law accept you into their social network, and you instantly acquire a new family and new friends. (I'm going to - almost - swear here, and tell you that it is complete and utter ****ing bull**** that Aussies are unfriendly, particularly to "New Chums." (Pommie migrants) I'll give you an example, and I hope your Aussie experience starts the same way. When my Mum came out to Sydney for my brother's wedding, the lady next door had baked her a cake with 'Welcome Mary' (they had never met before) and on that first day whisked her off to a school function for her three girls. Anyway, after you have given yourself time to settle in, you might find a kindie group for your children, and make some new friends with other mothers (and fathers.) And getting involved with the schools, later on is another way to 'integrate.' Some of those friends might become life-long. My brother has just moved to a new part of Sydney and his wife told me that going to the supermarket in the new suburb is 'lonely' because at their old place, she knows all the other ladies when she shops because their kids (in their 20's now) all went to the same schools. Will you be lonely, homesick, feel guilty for moving you and your kids 10,000 miles away from their grandparents? I don't know! Yes, Yes, and Yes, or No, No, and No!? I came to OZ on my own, establishing a 'bridgehead' if you like. My two brothers followed me one by one, leaving my parents in an empty house and feeling lonely, My grandmother lived with us, and she came to the airport to see me off and I never saw her again. So, do I feel guilt for somehow breaking our family up by coming to OZ? Yes, but on the other hand, my parents came out to Australia frequently, which they would never have done if I hadn't come here, and they also made contact with family in NZ, whom they had had no contact since during WW2. When you first arrive, you may well think that the TV is awful, and the news on TV and in the papers is meaningless and trivial, and the local shops are not as good as ASDA and Marks and Spencer, but they are all things you get used to. I hope you will be able to get a car, and not rely on your partner for getting around. If you feel lonely during the day when he is out at work, I hope you won't 'mope' and instead 'push' yourself to go out. There are lonely people everywhere. Reach out to them. Do some charity work, maybe a visit to a local nursing home. I see a psychologist and he's been nagging me to consider volunteering with a group which I think is called 'Menteer' and it involves becoming a friend to someone recovering from mental illness, taking them out once a fortnight for a coffee, that sort of thing. And talking of my psychologist, if you do feel 'down' don't be embarrassed about seeing your GP. Good luck, no, not 'Good' luck. You don't need luck! Bon Voyage! PS, as you are moving to Victoria, find yourself an Aussie Rules team to follow! Don't laugh! I was talking to three girls from Melbourne in the pub last Sat night. They had flown up for Mardi Gras in Sydney. I said to them, 'Look, I never usually make my first question to a girl, 'What footie team do you follow? But Melbourne girls are different' and their eyes lit up and they replied 'Essondon, Richmond, and Richmond!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saff Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 So, to that end, the first thing is NOT to leave UK without your DH has his citizenship. This really is vital because if you should decide you want to return and he doesn't have citizenship then you are likely to be screwed as the spouse visa conditions are really draconian. Second thing is to read the sticky thread on The Hague Convention and have a frank and fearless discussion with your DH about what if you don't like it - and regional Vic may not to be to everyone's taste - will he return with you or, heaven forbid, if your relationship goes tits up what will be his stance on letting you return with your kids. It looks like there is nothing that can be done to protect yourself by way of signed agreements (not yet tested in court) but be aware that courts won't let kids go if one parent says no. Another thing I would suggest - and I know not everyone will agree - is not to move back to his home town. I know the notion of support sounds appealing but I have had pms from too many women who have found that they became a bit like a third wheel in the process when they've done that move and they are now very isolated. He will have everythin - family, friends and familiarity you won't have anything. It doesn't take much for resentment to set in when you see his family experiencing everything and your family missing out on everything. I'm sure some people have fabulous relationships with their in laws (as did I) but remember that they will always back him! Far better IMHO for your little family unit to be making a familiar home together not with the knowledge and power being one sided - an hour away should be enough! This is great advice imo. To feel settled here, I found I had to treat it as my life. IE got a job, got a home, got a car and involved in a few hobbies. Not be continually hanging on to a life back home, and not to latch on to the lives of family and freinds here, or constantly worrying that if it doesn't work out I'll become unstuck with no options to move on. I've found that every ex-pat who I've met who hasn't done this, constantly feels unsettled and most have ended up leaving. My mate came here as did a lot of his freinds. Now they've left he's struggling, and clinging to friends back at home. Plus he feels trapped being on a 457; so even more so he feels unsettled and unstable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flag of convenience Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 All that has been mentioned in order to settle in can be and perhaps should be undertaken to ease the path. Fact remains it is an individual thing and my relative well settled by most accounts returned after around thirty years to England. There's that 30 year figure again. So you can settle well but with the passing of time prefer the place originated from. Could be a lot of theories why that may be so even after settling extremely well. For another thread though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LKC Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I would also mention that you need to give it time. We are happily settled here, but although I never felt homesick, it did take me a good 18 months to two years to feel settled and like I had put some roots down. I didn't really start to make good friends until then, partly because previously to that the kids had been too young for pre-school/school, and because I hadn't really found a playgroup group of mums that I 'clicked' with. It would have been easy after six or 12 months to have turned tail and come home to the familiar, had we not already decided to stay until we got citizenship, regardless. Thankfully it all worked out in the end, so we are still here and very happy after more than six years! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
docboat Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Good advice above. I reiterate the need to change the thinking. Settling in Australia - not moving to Australia - is paramount. To settle, you need to have the mindset in place. Here is home. My grandfather used to say "home is where you hang your hat" and that is very true. If you regard anywhere else as home, then that is the place you wish to return to, and that means the "here" is not home and you are not settled. Being settled does not mean that you are not "homesick" - you will be. You will be in a new place, with new smells, new foods, new ideas. AFL, for example, will become an essential item for discussion. It will be exciting, and challenging, and wonderful. Embrace the challenge, learn to love exploring, delving into the facets of your new home. Keep an active mind and an active body. Make friends - well, acquaintances, initially. Try new activities, get involved. Above all, get involved. And good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Have a clear idea of what you want from the experience, where you want to live, what kind of lifestyle you want and go for it. We had never been before, all we knew about Perth was me doing a project in Geography at school and getting heaps of info from Fremantle Port Authority. That got me thinking that it looked a great place to live and opened gave me a clue that there were warm places where you could live. At the time I was about 15-16, holidays were the miners camp in Rhyll or Skeggy and I'd never been out of the country. seeing the Americas cup on TV a few years later only gave me a renewed interest as it was the first time I'd seen any film of the area. It looked just as nice as I imagined. Years later I was married and luckily my wife had lived in Canada and new there was something other than the UK too. We both loved warm climates, beaches, living close to a City but far enough to feel that it's not overcrowded, space, good place to bring up kids. We rented and had a good look round when we came to find a suburb that would suit us, close to a beach and within our price range. Got the house in 92 and never looked back. Best thing we ever did.:cool: We don't have any family here, they are all still in the UK, we didn't come on a reccie and didn't know anyone. We just sold the house, which paid for us to come and bit the bullet. I've seen lots of people go on about skyping friends and family in the UK a lot. To me that seems to be a reason why a lot don't settle. They are so interested and involved in what people are doing, on the other side of the World, they forget to join in with where they are. A phone call once every couple of weeks to my folks was plenty. I can go without speaking to my sister for months but it doesn't mean we don't think any less about each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seizethedance Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Thanks everyone for your interesting replies. It's actually very reassuring because it seems like we're in a good midset to settle in Oz. It's not quite his hometown - it's nearby. He doesn't know anyone in the region (or the whole of Oz bar family) anymore though as he hasn't lived in country vic for 18 years so it will be a new experience for both of us. I'll be training as a teacher and we'll get involved in the kid's school and toddler groups for the youngest. We joke that I'll have to find an AFL team to follow because I have zero interest in sport, despite marrying a sports journalist! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicF Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Thanks everyone for your interesting replies. It's actually very reassuring because it seems like we're in a good midset to settle in Oz. It's not quite his hometown - it's nearby. He doesn't know anyone in the region (or the whole of Oz bar family) anymore though as he hasn't lived in country vic for 18 years so it will be a new experience for both of us. I'll be training as a teacher and we'll get involved in the kid's school and toddler groups for the youngest. We joke that I'll have to find an AFL team to follow because I have zero interest in sport, despite marrying a sports journalist! It's how the sport here can suck you in. I used to have zero interest in sport as well but since being here have become a fan of AFL, SANFL, 20/20 cricket and one day cricket (still can't do test cricket though). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjg Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Another thing I would suggest - and I know not everyone will agree - is not to move back to his home town. I know the notion of support sounds appealing but I have had pms from too many women who have found that they became a bit like a third wheel in the process when they've done that move and they are now very isolated. He will have everythin - family, friends and familiarity you won't have anything. It doesn't take much for resentment to set in when you see his family experiencing everything and your family missing out on everything. I'm sure some people have fabulous relationships with their in laws (as did I) but remember that they will always back him! Far better IMHO for your little family unit to be making a familiar home together not with the knowledge and power being one sided - an hour away should be enough! Totally agree. My parents are just over an hour away which is where i grew up. We go that direction every few months. It was more often when we immigrated, but we have our own life as a family and share that, i have done everything i can NOT to slot back into my former life. But i was single then and have a wife and two kids now, they are my priority. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MARYROSE02 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 The idea that a family would migrate to Australia, or to Britain, for that matter, and deliberately choose to live far away from your partner's family, so that he or she would not be able to 'pop over' to see them is bizarre. If your partner is particularly close to their family, why would you want to make it difficult for them to see them? I'm not married, amd perhaps that is WHY I am not married, but I just can't imagine how I would perhaps meet a girl, marry her, and then tell her 'we're not going to live near your parents. It's not fair on me. My parents are 10,000 miles away in England?' To my way of thinking, I would be turning down the chance to 'adopt' a new family. What if someone in the family was ill and just when it would be lovely to be able to see them every day, maybe help them, you can't do it because you are an hour's drive away? In 1997, my mother had an accident, and my father practically LIVED in Southampton General Hospital, driving there and back twice a day, and that was a fifteen mile round trip. We had my grandmother on my Mum's side living with us. One of my cousins lived in the same village as her mother, and I remember her mother - my aunt - telling me her son-in-law was everything she could ever have hoped for, always willing to pop over and help her with anything. The idea that one partner has 'everything' and the other 'nothing' because one has their family nearby. and therefore you should move far enough away to deprive them of their chance at easy contact, seems to me like you are deliberately punishing your partner. Would the partner without the close family be so insecure, so lacking in the ability to build a new social network for themselves? I guess, as a single bloke, I can see it as a variation on the idea, that as soon as one of your mates gets married, the woman, who naturally hates you, makes every attempt to prevent you from having any contact with him. I've finally found the word I'm looking for! It's just plain 'mean!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 We joke that I'll have to find an AFL team to follow because I have zero interest in sport, despite marrying a sports journalist! No joke! We started out in country Victoria and without a sport, I definitely felt on the outer. Worse because my oh wasn't a sportsman either so I couldn't even go and make the sandwiches or whatever. We actually took up sailing just so we wouldn't be totally ostracized. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scrutineer Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 While it is natural to see "emigrating" as one-way and permanent, it really isn't like that. You're moving to Victoria but you could just as easily move on to New Zealand, or Queensland or even back to England or buy a farmhouse in the Loire in five years. You just don't know. Don't look at it like emigrating, the word brings too much weight, see it as a simple adventure and life experience and see what unfolds. As for advice about what might make it work - accept your new home for what it is and dump pre-existing fantasy ideas about what you think it's going to be. So, buena suerte, as they say in Santiago! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 While it is natural to see "emigrating" as one-way and permanent, it really isn't like that. You're moving to Victoria but you could just as easily move on to New Zealand, or Queensland or even back to England or buy a farmhouse in the Loire in five years. You just don't know. Don't look at it like emigrating, the word brings too much weight, see it as a simple adventure and life experience and see what unfolds. As for advice about what might make it work - accept your new home for what it is and dump pre-existing fantasy ideas about what you think it's going to be. So, buena suerte, as they say in Santiago! I don't agree with this, unless the OP is very well off. If they were buying a farmhouse in the Loire or moving to Cornwall, the move would cost them a mere fraction of what the move to Oz will cost, so undoing it wouldn't be too painful. However, few families with children can contemplate spending over $100,000 on relocation costs there and back, for the sake of a few years' adventure in Australia. That's why a failed migration can be so devastating for some families - they end up broke when they limp back to their original country. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scrutineer Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I don't agree with this, unless the OP is very well off. If they were buying a farmhouse in the Loire or moving to Cornwall, the move would cost them a mere fraction of what the move to Oz will cost, so undoing it wouldn't be too painful. However, few families with children can contemplate spending over $100,000 on relocation costs there and back, for the sake of a few years' adventure in Australia. That's why a failed migration can be so devastating for some families - they end up broke when they limp back to their original country. It certainly didn't cost us even a small fraction of that amount, but even if it happened to, I think saving up for two or three years is all part of the adventure, to be honest. Nothing in this world is free, least of all experiencing life on the other side of the world. If you don't feel like that then I would advise against galavanting around the planet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobj Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Bugga!! Cost my Dear Old Dad £10 for me to come out in 1963... Bloody good job I never returned...The old bloke would have had a heart attack...:laugh: Cheers, Bobj. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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