Family disconnecting with you after you emigrate

[Monica33]

Has anyone had family and friends essentially forget about you after you leave the UK. Most of my family and friends do not want to engage with me much anymore. There’s no excuse these days to not keep in touch. I’ve been in Australia 17 years and it’s exhausting trying to maintain contact with people who don’t want to keep in touch.  I have a trip back soon and trying to lock in a time with my childhood friends and even my sister is becoming impossible. They are all busy. My sister has even booked herself a 2 week Mediterranean holiday the same time I’m there. I’m only there for 4 weeks and her answer was I’ll see you at some point. We haven’t had a fall out or anything, I just think it’s maybe a case of out of sight out of mind. Anyone else with similar experiences. Or is it just me

[Marisawright]

1 hour ago, Monica33 said:

Has anyone had family and friends essentially forget about you after you leave the UK..... I just think it’s maybe a case of out of sight out of mind.

Yes,  I think that's exactly what it is.  After all, we're the ones who chose to go off and leave them behind, so (whether it's conscious or not) they feel it's up to us to do the keeping in touch, not them.  When we left, we left a hole in their lives, but they've filled that hole up long ago -- they've had to. 

[bluequay]

I find it's the opposite! whenever we go to visit my wife's family everybody goes out of their way to make time to see us, and we do the same when they come to visit us.

[Blue Manna]

2 hours ago, bluequay said:

I find it's the opposite! whenever we go to visit my wife's family everybody goes out of their way to make time to see us, and we do the same when they come to visit us.

I tend to agree. If we didn't visit I don't think my siblings would see each other. We see them all and we bring them together.

[Quoll]

No siblings but I've always found that people bend over backwards to try and get together. I'm planning a visit in a couple of weeks and I've been invited to stay by most of my friends. Those I can't get to are willing to come and see me or meet half way. I tend to go and visit them because I want to get about the country and see /do as much as I can.

[Nemesis]

9 hours ago, Monica33 said:

Has anyone had family and friends essentially forget about you after you leave the UK. Most of my family and friends do not want to engage with me much anymore. There’s no excuse these days to not keep in touch. I’ve been in Australia 17 years and it’s exhausting trying to maintain contact with people who don’t want to keep in touch.  I have a trip back soon and trying to lock in a time with my childhood friends and even my sister is becoming impossible. They are all busy. My sister has even booked herself a 2 week Mediterranean holiday the same time I’m there. I’m only there for 4 weeks and her answer was I’ll see you at some point. We haven’t had a fall out or anything, I just think it’s maybe a case of out of sight out of mind. Anyone else with similar experiences. Or is it just me

My family were ok while their kids were small - Aunty would visit from Australia and bring presents, babysit, etc. Once they left school my sister was less keen, to the extent of "someone else is staying, you'd better book a hotel".

Now I live in the same country as them, only my elderly mum seems to know (or care) that I'm still alive.

[Toots]

11 hours ago, Monica33 said:

Has anyone had family and friends essentially forget about you after you leave the UK. Most of my family and friends do not want to engage with me much anymore. There’s no excuse these days to not keep in touch. I’ve been in Australia 17 years and it’s exhausting trying to maintain contact with people who don’t want to keep in touch.  I have a trip back soon and trying to lock in a time with my childhood friends and even my sister is becoming impossible. They are all busy. My sister has even booked herself a 2 week Mediterranean holiday the same time I’m there. I’m only there for 4 weeks and her answer was I’ll see you at some point. We haven’t had a fall out or anything, I just think it’s maybe a case of out of sight out of mind. Anyone else with similar experiences. Or is it just me

I'm sure it happens to a lot of people but I've been here for over 40 years and I am in close contact with one friend from my schooldays and friends I lived with in my teen years after I left home when I was 16.  My sister and I are also very close even though we live so far apart and she comes here for a few months each year.  We are retired so that makes it easier for longer stay holidays.  One of my old friends from Lancashire visits Australia every 2nd year as she has a son in Sydney so we always have a very good get together when she is here.  The others have never been to Australia but I always saw them when I went back to Scotland/England.  I can't get up any enthusiasm to go back to the UK these days so I may not see them in person again which is kind of sad but I have very good friends here and am kept busy with one thing and another.

[Monica33]

3 hours ago, Quoll said:

No siblings but I've always found that people bend over backwards to try and get together. I'm planning a visit in a couple of weeks and I've been invited to stay by most of my friends. Those I can't get to are willing to come and see me or meet half way. I tend to go and visit them because I want to get about the country and see /do as much as I can.

 

[Monica33]

You are so very lucky

[Ausvisitor]

I think most of this is pretty common, we made the decision to move as far away as physically possible from them and yet we expect them to roll out the red carpet when we say "on I'm visiting in 3 months".

Have you considered that maybe your sister had already booked (or promised) to go on that trip before you made your announcement. Maybe she really wants to see you but can't disappoint the people who are there for her every day (rather than sis who breezes in once every 5 years - or whatever the time is)?

She might be gutted but doesn't want to admit it ...

[Peach]

12 hours ago, Monica33 said:

Most of my family and friends do not want to engage with me much anymore. There’s no excuse these days to not keep in touch. I’ve been in Australia 17 years and it’s exhausting trying to maintain contact with people who don’t want to keep in touch.

So why bother?  I only keep in touch with people who want to stay in touch with me.  I talk to my mum, but almost never my sister.  I've got one best friend I chat with regularly, but otherwise don't bother.  Certainly wouldn't waste my holidays on chasing them.

[ramot]

I’ve not lived in UK for 30 years, but did visit annually for about 3 months before COVID as our only grandchildren are there. We are made very welcome by our friends to visit them, but I think there is a different mindset in England. We usually rent somewhere big enough for people to stay with us, but most prefer to stay home, I think genuinely want us to visit, but perhaps don’t realise how much driving around we then to catching up with everyone? 
There is the long standing expat joke about visiting UK, when you try to arrange a visit, they are looking forward to seeing you,  
BUT! 
Mondays out because I do the washing , can’t make Tuesday because I get my hair done, Wednesday I’m at bingo, Friday I do the shopping, etc etc, and it’s true to a certain extent, as many are set in their ways, happy to see you, as long as it fits into their life.
Having written the above, we love catching up with everyone, we always stay with friends in our old village, we have a wonderful time there, a great pub lunch is always arranged so we can see lots of our old friends, and we accept that we do the  travelling, as rekindling old friendships is worth every mile travelled.

 

[Bulya]

15 hours ago, Monica33 said:

Has anyone had family and friends essentially forget about you after you leave the UK. Most of my family and friends do not want to engage with me much anymore. There’s no excuse these days to not keep in touch. I’ve been in Australia 17 years and it’s exhausting trying to maintain contact with people who don’t want to keep in touch.  I have a trip back soon and trying to lock in a time with my childhood friends and even my sister is becoming impossible. They are all busy. My sister has even booked herself a 2 week Mediterranean holiday the same time I’m there. I’m only there for 4 weeks and her answer was I’ll see you at some point. We haven’t had a fall out or anything, I just think it’s maybe a case of out of sight out of mind. Anyone else with similar experiences. Or is it just me

Jealousy.  

[Toots]

1 hour ago, ramot said:

I’ve not lived in UK for 30 years, but did visit annually for about 3 months before COVID as our only grandchildren are there. We are made very welcome by our friends to visit them, but I think there is a different mindset in England. We usually rent somewhere big enough for people to stay with us, but most prefer to stay home, I think genuinely want us to visit, but perhaps don’t realise how much driving around we then to catching up with everyone? 
There is the long standing expat joke about visiting UK, when you try to arrange a visit, they are looking forward to seeing you,  
BUT! 
Mondays out because I do the washing , can’t make Tuesday because I get my hair done, Wednesday I’m at bingo, Friday I do the shopping, etc etc, and it’s true to a certain extent, as many are set in their ways, happy to see you, as long as it fits into their life.
Having written the above, we love catching up with everyone, we always stay with friends in our old village, we have a wonderful time there, a great pub lunch is always arranged so we can see lots of our old friends, and we accept that we do the  travelling, as rekindling old friendships is worth every mile travelled.

 

My rellies and friends are scattered all over the UK  -  from the north of Scotland right down to the south of England.  I used to try to travel to see many of them but later on it was easier if we met up half way.  One of my oldest friends who migrated to the US many years ago came over to the UK for a visit most times I was there which was lovely.

[Monica33]

6 hours ago, Ausvisitor said:

I think most of this is pretty common, we made the decision to move as far away as physically possible from them and yet we expect them to roll out the red carpet when we say "on I'm visiting in 3 months".

Have you considered that maybe your sister had already booked (or promised) to go on that trip before you made your announcement. Maybe she really wants to see you but can't disappoint the people who are there for her every day (rather than sis who breezes in once every 5 years - or whatever the time is)?

She might be gutted but doesn't want to admit it ...

Ouch 

[Monica33]

4 hours ago, ramot said:

I’ve not lived in UK for 30 years, but did visit annually for about 3 months before COVID as our only grandchildren are there. We are made very welcome by our friends to visit them, but I think there is a different mindset in England. We usually rent somewhere big enough for people to stay with us, but most prefer to stay home, I think genuinely want us to visit, but perhaps don’t realise how much driving around we then to catching up with everyone? 
There is the long standing expat joke about visiting UK, when you try to arrange a visit, they are looking forward to seeing you,  
BUT! 
Mondays out because I do the washing , can’t make Tuesday because I get my hair done, Wednesday I’m at bingo, Friday I do the shopping, etc etc, and it’s true to a certain extent, as many are set in their ways, happy to see you, as long as it fits into their life.
Having written the above, we love catching up with everyone, we always stay with friends in our old village, we have a wonderful time there, a great pub lunch is always arranged so we can see lots of our old friends, and we accept that we do the  travelling, as rekindling old friendships is worth every mile travelled.

 

This did make me chuckle because it’s so true. 

[Amber Snowball]

I sometimes wonder if they think because you are in Australia, you are on holiday so have more time than them or that you are the one with all the “news”? Rather than you are living a life of work, putting the bins out and ferrying children to sport just like them.

I have found the same in both directions. When I moved to Australia people all gave me their email addresses and I duly emailed, not a single one replied. one did when I sent a ranty email asking if they were receiving my emails and they literally sent “yes” back to me. Gave it up then.

Coming in the opposite direction years later pretty much the same thing. So I assume out of sight, out of mind and as others have said, I moved so therefore it’s on me to make the effort. Luckily I don’t get that attached to people, so I move on quite easily.

 I did visit the uk and not tell anyone once, so had a lovely holiday that didn’t revolve around seeing family. But I have an incredibly fractured relationship with my family, so not hard…..

[tea4too]

In the early days when it was all new and we were finding our way there were regular phone calls, emails and visits. But as life settled down I think we all adjusted to a different sense of normality. Visits were still looked forward to but not quite so intensely, phone calls and emails were appreciated but not sent or received as often. Living on the periphery of each other's lives changed the dynamic. That doesn't mean that we care less about the people who moved away, just that the gap created by absent family and friends has been smoothed over as everyone gets on with day to day life. Tx

[Monica33]

10 hours ago, Amber Snowball said:

I sometimes wonder if they think because you are in Australia, you are on holiday so have more time than them or that you are the one with all the “news”? Rather than you are living a life of work, putting the bins out and ferrying children to sport just like them.

I have found the same in both directions. When I moved to Australia people all gave me their email addresses and I duly emailed, not a single one replied. one did when I sent a ranty email asking if they were receiving my emails and they literally sent “yes” back to me. Gave it up then.

Coming in the opposite direction years later pretty much the same thing. So I assume out of sight, out of mind and as others have said, I moved so therefore it’s on me to make the effort. Luckily I don’t get that attached to people, so I move on quite easily.

 I did visit the uk and not tell anyone once, so had a lovely holiday that didn’t revolve around seeing family. But I have an incredibly fractured relationship with my family, so not hard…..

Thank you! This has given me so much validation. I think they do think we’re on “holiday” sometimes 

[Monica33]

17 hours ago, Bulya said:

Jealousy.  

I do think this is the case with another relative who always tries to say how much he has and makes. 

[Monica33]

On 03/05/2024 at 22:36, Marisawright said:

Yes,  I think that's exactly what it is.  After all, we're the ones who chose to go off and leave them behind, so (whether it's conscious or not) they feel it's up to us to do the keeping in touch, not them.  When we left, we left a hole in their lives, but they've filled that hole up long ago -- they've had to. 

I do accept that I was the one who left and they had to do without me physically but I often wonder if any of them think that I was just one person in their lives but my decision has ultimately lost them all. I exhausted myself in the early years desperate to stay connected and with the time difference was getting up at 5 in the morning to call people before I went to work. I do not struggle with staying in touch with my brother who lives in Florida. We message and call each other all the time. It’s just a mystery to me. 

[Quoll]

When we arrived it was in the days of  aerogrammes and £1 a minute phone calls so it was very much a case of out of sight, out of mind. I've pretty much continued that - maybe an email every 6 months nowadays but that hasn't changed the fact that when we meet it's like there hasn't been years since we last chatted, we just slot tight back into the same chat. I occasionally text exchange with my son but we can go weeks/months with nothing and I do try and  ft call my grandson every Sunday but 9 times out of 10 he is busy doing something important like playing on his Switch or watching cartoons.  I don't expect to live in anyone's pocket. I email if I have something to say, facetime if it's important and get on with my life as they get on with theirs. Doesn't stop the love or friendship though - I certainly don't expect their lives to revolve around me when I visit, just because I've made the effort to be there. The fact that they are all very welcoming is certainly a bonus but just shows how strong friendships can be - if they weren't welcoming or accommodating, no skin off my nose. 

[Blue Manna]

3 hours ago, Quoll said:

When we arrived it was in the days of  aerogrammes and £1 a minute phone calls so it was very much a case of out of sight, out of mind. I've pretty much continued that - maybe an email every 6 months nowadays but that hasn't changed the fact that when we meet it's like there hasn't been years since we last chatted, we just slot tight back into the same chat. I occasionally text exchange with my son but we can go weeks/months with nothing and I do try and  ft call my grandson every Sunday but 9 times out of 10 he is busy doing something important like playing on his Switch or watching cartoons.  I don't expect to live in anyone's pocket. I email if I have something to say, facetime if it's important and get on with my life as they get on with theirs. Doesn't stop the love or friendship though - I certainly don't expect their lives to revolve around me when I visit, just because I've made the effort to be there. The fact that they are all very welcoming is certainly a bonus but just shows how strong friendships can be - if they weren't welcoming or accommodating, no skin off my nose. 

None of my mum's siblings or their kids have visited her in the 55 years since she's lived in Australia. I find it hard to believe as they would have had a really cheap holiday that would have been far superior to anything they have ever had. They would only have needed to pay for the flights. It's a long flight I know, but even so. 

[Quoll]

10 hours ago, Blue Manna said:

None of my mum's siblings or their kids have visited her in the 55 years since she's lived in Australia. I find it hard to believe as they would have had a really cheap holiday that would have been far superior to anything they have ever had. They would only have needed to pay for the flights. It's a long flight I know, but even so. 

Why would you expect someone to give up their whole holiday and, at great expense, fly to the other side of the world? It’s financially beyond many, physically beyond many and temporally beyond many. I don’t see why anyone would be expected to fly half way round the world unless they really want to. You could get half a dozen at home or European holidays for the price of one Aussie trip. 

[Blue Manna]

2 hours ago, Quoll said:

Why would you expect someone to give up their whole holiday and, at great expense, fly to the other side of the world? It’s financially beyond many, physically beyond many and temporally beyond many. I don’t see why anyone would be expected to fly half way round the world unless they really want to. You could get half a dozen at home or European holidays for the price of one Aussie trip. 

When you get free accommodation, car hire and meals provided? I would have thought it was pretty close actually.