How long before you feel settled/Happy ?

[Clm]

Hi , 

we as a family ( me, my OH and our two daughters) moved to Brisbane over two years ago.

However I still feel very unsettled - my OH and youngest daughter feel very settled. 

But myself and my eldest daughter 11 have struggled.

I miss home , friends and family, but the hardest thing I have found is genuine friendships?

i feel like there is not many people here - well I have yet to meet genuine sincere people. Who don't play mind games - take advantage of kindness , play keeping up with the jones - gossip or are just mean to friends when they are not around.

it just all seems very fake - I've sincerely met some of the rudest people in my life here! I'm not a negative dweller - far from it! I'm polite pleasant and will go out of my way to be kind and friendly. I miss friends that I could share problems with - that were kind , friends you can socialise with and  laugh till you cry. 

But I'm starting to feel like an alien here. What I think are basic morals , manners and respect - others don't ,and the whole - playing mind games within friendship isn't me.

I guess in my baffle , what I'm trying to say or ask is - how long before people made genuine friendships or has anyone else felt isolated or met these hurdles ? 

 

Thanks for reading ?

[wattsy1982]

Ive been here coming up 5 years and don't feel anymore settled than I did the day we stepped off the plane.

That 'genuine' friendship is what I miss too, you end up being friends with people here because your kids are friends or because you are both English...therefore you must be friends!

[Wa7]

How longs a piece of string............it may never happen on the level that you are used to or feel was enough ?

I have found in my years In Aus that it's a very private place and friendships are done a bit at  'arms length ' ( I have plenty of Aus family here and none of them have much of what I define as friends or a social life ) but its normal to them.

You will get  the usual advice of put yourself out there,  join clubs ( which is good advice) but this doesn't guarantee anything but atleast you tried.

Its not a major issue to me personally, I am well and truly used to it and it never stopped me feeling settled ( but then again we will probably be returning to the uk at some point so it's not forever) but it's definitely a hurdle to get over and one that you can't prepare for until your here.

 

 

 

 

Edited January 29, 2018 by Wa7

[Fida]

I feel like to write a bit here 

 

In My 5th Year of (Sydney) Life

 

It is Hard to find a Genuine Person in first place. But never mind ,I'd rather prefer to be all alone (friendship) than to have a fake friend who would always watch out for an opportunity in Friendship.

PS: Its not Just with British migrants or etc., I'm Indian but find myself Alien when I'm in my Indianised gatherings, as they are completely fake/materialistic many more to write here.....and it takes years to Identify real faces 

 

 

[Clm]

55 minutes ago, wattsy1982 said:

Ive been here coming up 5 years and don't feel anymore settled than I did the day we stepped off the plane.

That 'genuine' friendship is what I miss too, you end up being friends with people here because your kids are friends or because you are both English...therefore you must be friends!

Thank you 

I never write on these things , but is nice to know I'm not the only one. Can I ask what part of Brisbane you are based in? 

[wattsy1982]

1 minute ago, Clm said:

Thank you 

I never write on these things , but is nice to know I'm not the only one. Can I ask what part of Brisbane you are based in? 

Gold Coast 

[Clm]

25 minutes ago, Wa7 said:

How longs a piece of string............it may never happen on the level that you are used to or feel was enough ?

I have found in my years In Aus that it's a very private place and friendships are done a bit at  'arms length ' ( I have plenty of Aus family here and none of them have much of what I define as friends or a social life ) but its normal to them.

You will get  the usual advice of put yourself out there,  join clubs ( which is good advice) but this doesn't guarantee anything but atleast you tried.

Its not a major issue to me personally, I am well and truly used to it and it never stopped me feeling settled ( but then again we will probably be returning to the uk at some point so it's not forever) but it's definitely a hurdle to get over and one that you can't prepare for until your here.

 

 

 

 

Hi , 

i have sincerely put myself out there - joined groups - fitness , school groups ect 

i just found myself with the same hurdle of - cliques and almost political friendships.

its not something I'm used to and just wondered if this was just me felling like this! 

I'm a very social person and my own company I like, but I do like to enjoy my friendships - have fun and do things - this to me is a healthy balance to have within my life. 

So much so - I feel very alone here 

yes I have my husband and kids but I do believe friendships and socialising is important too. 

[Clm]

8 minutes ago, Fida said:

I feel like to write a bit here 

 

In My 5th Year of (Sydney) Life

 

It is Hard to find a Genuine Person in first place. But never mind ,I'd rather prefer to be all alone (friendship) than to have a fake friend who would always watch out for an opportunity in Friendship.

PS: Its not Just with British migrants or etc., I'm Indian but find myself Alien when I'm in my Indianised gatherings, as they are completely fake/materialistic many more to write here.....and it takes years to Identify real faces 

 

 

Hi Fida ,

that is exactly like me - I'd rather have none than fakes 

But that's where I think I fall short here - because I won't play the political friendship game.

if I like you and want to be your friend - I'm your friend - no gossip , no slating you , yours kids or your husband when your not around - 

mid i have something to say I'll say it to your face not behind your back.

im genuinely appalled at how people treat each other here and then think how blessed I am to have the friends back home that I have. 

 

[Fida]

6 minutes ago, Clm said:

Hi Fida ,

that is exactly like me - I'd rather have none than fakes 

But that's where I think I fall short here - because I won't play the political friendship game.

if I like you and want to be your friend - I'm your friend - no gossip , no slating you , yours kids or your husband when your not around - 

mid i have something to say I'll say it to your face not behind your back.

im genuinely appalled at how people treat each other here and then think how blessed I am to have the friends back home that I have. 

 

Hello CLM

Thanks for acknowledging , Good to know, at least I'v some one here with me on same Page  

I cant believe my auditory and visionary senses when i see so called emblem friends or more than sisters in migrant communities , gossip so much (negative/Bad) about each other at each others back . And its good as i Enjoy and feel safe and far far away from such lethal societies... 

 

 

 

[Wa7]

21 minutes ago, Clm said:

Hi , 

i have sincerely put myself out there - joined groups - fitness , school groups ect 

i just found myself with the same hurdle of - cliques and almost political friendships.

its not something I'm used to and just wondered if this was just me felling like this! 

I'm a very social person and my own company I like, but I do like to enjoy my friendships - have fun and do things - this to me is a healthy balance to have within my life. 

So much so - I feel very alone here 

yes I have my husband and kids but I do believe friendships and socialising is important too. 

I totally understand. 

 

[Toots]

19 minutes ago, Clm said:

Hi Fida ,

that is exactly like me - I'd rather have none than fakes 

But that's where I think I fall short here - because I won't play the political friendship game.

if I like you and want to be your friend - I'm your friend - no gossip , no slating you , yours kids or your husband when your not around - 

mid i have something to say I'll say it to your face not behind your back.

im genuinely appalled at how people treat each other here and then think how blessed I am to have the friends back home that I have. 

 

I have met some very fake people in my time here but once I suss out what they are like I just have nothing to do with them.  However, I have good friends with whom I have loads in common and to have a good laugh with.  I can count them on one hand though.  Quality not quantity as far as friends go suits me fine.  Sorry you have had such a bad experience with people you know.   Like you I won't have anything to do with the political friendship game.  ACK!  That's just toxic and must be steered clear of at all costs.  

[Bulya]

Took 5 maybe 6 years.  Wouldn’t return now

[Toots]

2 hours ago, wattsy1982 said:

Ive been here coming up 5 years and don't feel anymore settled than I did the day we stepped off the plane.

That 'genuine' friendship is what I miss too, you end up being friends with people here because your kids are friends or because you are both English...therefore you must be friends!

Never was into that.  Just because your children have friends doesn't mean we have to enjoy the company of their parents and definitely not just because they are from the UK.  Some  of the most fake, loud mouthed so and so's I met were from the UK.  I met my best friends at work and through voluntary work.

[Gbye grey sky]

2 hours ago, Clm said:

Hi , 

we as a family ( me, my OH and our two daughters) moved to Brisbane over two years ago.

However I still feel very unsettled - my OH and youngest daughter feel very settled. 

But myself and my eldest daughter 11 have struggled.

I miss home , friends and family, but the hardest thing I have found is genuine friendships?

i feel like there is not many people here - well I have yet to meet genuine sincere people. Who don't play mind games - take advantage of kindness , play keeping up with the jones - gossip or are just mean to friends when they are not around.

it just all seems very fake - I've sincerely met some of the rudest people in my life here! I'm not a negative dweller - far from it! I'm polite pleasant and will go out of my way to be kind and friendly. I miss friends that I could share problems with - that were kind , friends you can socialise with and  laugh till you cry. 

But I'm starting to feel like an alien here. What I think are basic morals , manners and respect - others don't ,and the whole - playing mind games within friendship isn't me.

I guess in my baffle , what I'm trying to say or ask is - how long before people made genuine friendships or has anyone else felt isolated or met these hurdles ? 

 

Thanks for reading ?

I live in the Redlands but came from Surrey in 2015.  I suspect that I relate to superficial friendships and think that it may be similar here.  It doesn’t bother me at all luckily.

I have found people in general here to be very friendly, kind and helpful but sometimes a little distant, even shy, and I truly think that you need to be established for years before you may have the kind of friendships that you were familiar with.  People are unlikely to bond closely with a newly arrived immigrant who may appear a little homesick or unsettled and may well return.

Getting involved, joining clubs that match your interests, and being generally available without being pushy or needy will help.  I also think that it behoves an immigrant to be positive about their new home as negative comparisons to the UK will be off-putting and slagging off the UK is an own goal too.  I tend to say that I had a great life in the UK but it is even better here, which is true for me.

[simmo]

5 hours ago, Clm said:

Hi , 

we as a family ( me, my OH and our two daughters) moved to Brisbane over two years ago.

However I still feel very unsettled - my OH and youngest daughter feel very settled. 

But myself and my eldest daughter 11 have struggled.

I miss home , friends and family, but the hardest thing I have found is genuine friendships?

i feel like there is not many people here - well I have yet to meet genuine sincere people. Who don't play mind games - take advantage of kindness , play keeping up with the jones - gossip or are just mean to friends when they are not around.

it just all seems very fake - I've sincerely met some of the rudest people in my life here! I'm not a negative dweller - far from it! I'm polite pleasant and will go out of my way to be kind and friendly. I miss friends that I could share problems with - that were kind , friends you can socialise with and  laugh till you cry. 

But I'm starting to feel like an alien here. What I think are basic morals , manners and respect - others don't ,and the whole - playing mind games within friendship isn't me.

I guess in my baffle , what I'm trying to say or ask is - how long before people made genuine friendships or has anyone else felt isolated or met these hurdles ? 

 

Thanks for reading ?

I was just under 2 years just south of Brisbane (Daisy Hill then Cornubia) and agree with all the above.  I moved back and it was the best thing I did. 

Australia/Aussie won't change for you, you either except it and change into an aussie or move back home. 

[Toots]

42 minutes ago, simmo said:

I was just under 2 years just south of Brisbane (Daisy Hill then Cornubia) and agree with all the above.  I moved back and it was the best thing I did. 

Australia/Aussie won't change for you, you either except it and change into an aussie or move back home. 

Yes I have Scottish friends who did that.  At least like you they didn't hang around for years hoping things would change for them and in the meantime getting more and more bitter about Australia.  Their daughters came back to Australia and have very good jobs (one a Chartered Accountant and the other a nurse).  Whether they will stay or not will remain to be seen.  They are both in Sydney and the parents have been over to visit them a couple of times.  

[Paul1Perth]

The friends you had back in the UK were probably people you grew up with and shared times, memories, music, experiences in your formative years. Later in life I think it's harder to create those types of friendships.

I have loads of friends here and enjoy their company. When I've been back to the UK  though and met friends from years back there always seems more to talk and have a laugh about. No one seems to have changed much personality wise either.

[Amber Snowball]

1 hour ago, simmo said:

 

Australia/Aussie won't change for you, you either except it and change into an aussie or move back home. 

Very wise words Obi-wan! 

[Quoll]

My piece of string was 32 years, 8 months and 3 days - when I left.  For the first 20 years I lived there reasonably happily ignoring the backstabbing “friends” and getting on with it, raising kids, working full time making lots of very superficial friendships which dissolved as soon as circumstances changed and the “we must still do coffee” never eventuated.   I guess I put up with it because you never knew what or where was coming next. I lived in a place with a fairly high itinerant population.  Since I left I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of “friends” I had - all bar one are long term expats like myself (most of whom would kill to be where I am!) and the other is a truly good, wonderful woman but she’s leaving Canberra for a coastal retirement and will, very probably, be enjoying her own company for some time, having given so much of herself to others for years with her job.

Contrast that with the friends I have here - we have those friendships where you pick up the conversation exactly where you left off. They are scattered all over U.K. now but those closest, including a whole cohort of new friends I have made, have been wonderful. Nobody has stabbed me in the back, none have played the “mines bigger than yours and I earn more than you” games that tend to go on in Canberra, we support each other, laugh (a lot), do things together and generally enjoy each other’s company. 

I guess it’s very much luck of the draw who you gel with and possibly what you expect out of life. Also, too, what your intentions were on moving to Australia. Ours weren’t to “settle forever” - we were the type to take the best opportunities that came our way and they could have been anywhere. I think feeling trapped in Australia is probably the worst thing and almost certain to exacerbate any alien feelings. While you still have the feeling either real or illusory that you have the freedom to move on (remember you can never go back to what you had) then that makes it easier to put up with what you’ve got.

Good luck, it’ll either work out or it won’t but if you find that your unsettledness is impinging on your everyday life may I suggest you visit your GP and see if you can get a Mental Health plan which will take you to a psychologist who can help you with strategies to get through every day.

[Marisawright]

I felt settled almost at once, but then I was in a country town.  It's not an Australian problem though, it's a city by city/town by town thing.  I spent a year in Southampton (UK) and really put myself out there - clubs, activities, you name it - and I had exactly the same problem with cliques and not feeling welcome.  My sister has the same problem in Aberdeen.  Whereas I'm sure there are cities and towns in the UK where I would've been made welcome.

As for Australia - I left the country after a year but I'm still friends with some of the people I met then.  Whereas I lived for 30 years in Sydney, and though I enjoyed my time and had a wide circle of acquaintances, I never made a "best friend" - and when I left that city, I never heard from any of them again.  Now I'm in Melbourne, and I've made more friends in 18 months than I did in all my time in Sydney!   And I can sense they're the kind of friends who would keep in touch if I decided to move on.

The trouble is, of course, that you can't keep moving from city to city until you find one where you do feel welcome.   

 

[ramot]

Took me about 18 months. Perhaps because I tend to smile at the world I haven't found it hard to make friends anywhere I have lived. Still in touch with many UK, Africa, Brunei friends, and I do think of them as friends not acquaintances I have met on the way, even though we are hardly ever meet up these days.

I certainly have a small group of caring friends here, obviously they can't compare with UK friends that I shared so much of my life with, for that simple reason. Which ever friends we catch up with we laugh and reminisce  about times shared when we meet up, and pick up our easy old friendships instantly.

I have had a bit of a rough time health wise for a few months, the back up from my friends was perhaps to be expected? but the phone calls from people who I think of as acquaintances has surprised me in the nicest way. So I find more good than bad in people. Perhaps that's the secret!!!?

ps my husband is my best friend.

 

 

Edited January 29, 2018 by ramot

[waqassaleemkhan]

In my point of view, its hard to find true friends after a certain point in life i.e. when the professional life starts. All my genuine friends are those from my university or school, none from my office or the time when I started working.

Yes, the place matters a lot but my point is that there are several factors affecting genuine friendships.

I am not an Ausie yet, will become one in July. Thats my experience from Asia.

 

[ali]

I missed friendships the most and because the children were a little older missed out on the school gate friendships (some of my closest friends in the UK were ones developed via the children or from work).  It took a couple of years to establish some 'real friendships, we went to lots of things putting ourselves out there with other migrants and met a handful of genuine people and some we didn't see again.

We've never been ones for masses of friends, we've developed a really solid friendship group here, have lots of acquaintances but a core group who have become like family.  No politics, no slagging off, no jealousy if someone does something with someone else - our hubbies are friend and do stuff together too.  It really does make a difference to the settling process.

[Perthbum]

How long is a piece of string? some never settle and return....some settle and love it, many never settle but are stuck in Oz due to money and partner not wanting to leave.

Edited January 29, 2018 by Perthbum

[LKC]

If I'm completely honest, I felt settled to start with, but the longer we were there the more unsettled I felt.  I've never been one who has needed lots of friends, and would rather one or two good friends.  That said, I never had any trouble in making friends in the UK, and had quite a reasonable circle of friends from school, uni and my working life, plus a few from childbirth classes etc.  In Australia I put myself out there, tried to meet people at playgroups, school etc, but I never really made any friends.  There were a couple of people who I was closer to (both migrants, funnily enough), but even then our friendships were shallow and I've not heard from them since we moved back to the UK.  In my experience in our part of Sydney, people tended to stick to groups of family and friends of family, friends they'd had since school, and church groups.  If you weren't in those groups already, you had no chance at all.  At the school gates there was lots of bitchiness and two-faced behaviour which I didn't want to be involved in.  I got taken advantage of by people (looking after people's children in school holidays if their childcare arrangements fell through, picking kids up to take them to school and dropping them home etc.), but even trying to be kind and helping people out in that way didn't help.  Most strikingly, the behaviour kind of filtered down to our kid's friends.  My eldest daughter's best friend (of six years) used to come over to play, for sleepovers etc. frequently, but she was only invited to their house maybe three or four times in the six years they were friends.  The kids were rarely invited to birthday parties.

The kicker for me, was having a visit from some friends from the UK, who were on holiday in Australia and came to stay for a few days.  We'd not seen them for something like nine or ten years (just kept in touch via email/Facebook), but the second they arrived it was like we'd seen them yesterday.  That made me realise how isolated and lonely I was, and triggered a huge depressive episode which pretty much lasted until we moved back to the UK.

We've only been here (Scotland, which isn't where we came from) for a few months, and have already made better friends here than we made in the nine years we were in Sydney.  I don't really know why, I've not done anything more to put myself out there than I did in Australia, just done the school run.  We have moved to a small village, though (and always lived in villages before), so that may be something to do with it.  Perhaps if we'd gone to live in London or another large city our experience would have been different, and more similar to our experiences in Sydney.