Son moving to Oz to live with dad but now being nasty to me

[Marisawright]

I do have plans for when he is gone. I have a great job that I can develop even further and can work the weekends and evenings without feeling guilty or having to arrange childcare. I can go dancing on Tuesday nights with my friend (she's been wanting me to go for ages) and I can make more use of my Cineworld Unlimited card :laugh: I know I have put my life on hold and put my son first for years as I've never wanted him to feel that he comes down my list of priorities to random boyfriends who may come and go!

 

However, I shall not let him know how busy and carefree my life has become in his absence because he may feel that he can't come back because I will have to give these things up again, I don't want him to think he's been holding me back for all these years, I've been willingly holding back.

 

I think I've said this to you before Rachel - but I can't help wondering if your devotion to your son is part of the problem. He may be feeling suffocated by your constant attention and that's part of the reason he wants to go to his Dad's, where he'll be treated more like a young man (which he nearly is), and given more independence. A 14 year old boy doesn't want his mother hovering all the time, no matter how much he loves her.

 

I may be totally wrong, I'm just relating it to my own experience - I felt suffocated by my mum when I was a teenager. These days I can understand that she was anxious because of my health problems, but then all I could see was that other girls had more freedom and more privacy, that their mum didn't escort them to every event as if they were babies, etc etc

[caramac]

It's really tough for you, but he's taking his fears and worries out on you because you're the closest to him, not only physically, but emotionally.

You're the safest person for him to treat harshly because he feels secure in your relationship - you will love him no matter what and he knows that.

My niece had a really hard time when she was about your son's age - her parents split (dad was having an affair) and she was being bullied at school - the perpetrators would come round and throw stones through her bedroom window, so there was no escape for her. My sister took the kids and moved to a different area where life was easier, but my niece made my sister's life hell for a long time. All that hurt and anger was directed towards her because my niece knew it was safe.

Your son has made a huge decision - it's massive as an adult, so much harder for a child and his worries have to be expressed somewhere. He doesn't have the maturity (and his brain isn't anywhere near fully developed yet) to express his feelings adequately, so it comes out as anger.

All you can do is support him. Reassure him that he can come home anytime (although he'll probably throw that straight back in your face!), that you love him and that you'll always be there for him.

It may be that he needs to have some counselling at some point if he continues to be unsettled and can't decide where he wants to be. It could be that his issues are not dependant on his location, but that the two people he loves most are on opposite sides of the world. He must feel very torn.

Good luck. I think you're amazing!

[Fairview70]

sorry you are having problems. Sounds like a normal 12 year old through: I've heard the exact same expressions, straight in from school to room and playing parents off against each other, all standard behaviour believe me I've had four!

It's great he's got this to broaden his horizons and seeing his dad will be good for him even if it makes you anxious. Maybe he's worried that you won't want him back kids think the oddest things at times. While it's cool you're not fussing but crapping yourself inside maybe he does need to know.

As for the PS4 you'll have to call the shot on that one. You're not happy to be separated from the child you love maybe it's the same for him can't take a teddy or security blanket at 12, on the other hand it would be good to spend quality time with dad, explore Aussie lifestyle, I'd certainly make the point it risks getting lost or damaged, It'll be waiting for him when he get home

[Country vic]

'.... - but I can't help wondering if your devotion to your son is part of the problem. He may be feeling suffocated by your constant attention and that's part of the reason he wants to go to his Dad's, where he'll be treated more like a young man (which he nearly is), ...... but then all I could see was that other girls had more freedom and more privacy, that their mum didn't escort them to every event as if they were babies, etc etc

 

Totally agree with this, I am not sure of the precise age but he is not a young child any more. He may fear becoming a 'mummy's boy'.

 

Some kids, as they grow up, naturally develop their independence and confidence and can quite easily push parents away, others, who are not so confident need a shove, some need a hard push to encourage them to develop the independance we all need.

 

I see a lot of red flags in these posts 'put my life on hold' of course we have priorities throughout life but we can still create balance, as your son becomes an adult I do not think he will thank you for 'putting your life on hold'.

 

Boyfriends can come and go but there are ways of managing that with discretion. Children understand their parents need other adults and can, and should, develop a healthy understanding of adult relationships. He may be worried that if he stays with you he will never escape, you need him to much, and you put your life on hold for him, what a debt to have on his shoulders.

 

You say you won't let him know you are busy and carefree while he is away - why not, if he knows you are busy and happy he will be free to enjoy his time without worrying if you are OK. You talk about having to give things up if he returns, why?? Surely you can balance your own activities with being a mother to an older son.

 

You mention 'childcare' gee that's a bit embarrassing, OK I know there are laws but surely he is mature enough to spend some time without child care.

 

Fussing over growing kids prevents them from developing confidence. Parents who fuss and make 'be careful' their catchphrase have a damaging effect in their child's development.

 

The sub-text of 'be careful' is the world is scary and dangerous and bad things happen all the time, it says you are scared you would not cope if something did happen, you are displaying you own lack of confidence, worst of all it says to the target of this excess fear that they can not cope, that you have no confidence in his ability to deal with situations on his own.

 

Sometimes we need to keep our fears to ourselves and make an effort not to project concerns on to a target, put on a confident, brave face. Confidence is catching, if you have confidence in him it will be easier for him to have confidence in himself.

 

All kids (and adults) have fears, sometimes we need someone to reassure us we are competent, we are strong, we are intelligent, and we will cope, and prosper, even when things gets a bit tough.

 

Off you go son, you'll be fine....and so will I.

 

We all watch the news and know bad things happen, that's the reality, but what sort of life is it if we allow fear to control us.

 

Feel the fear and do it anyway...... hey someone should write a book about that :- )

[cathy99]

For what it's worth you're certainly not a bad mum, so you need to get rid of that thought!

 

Your son is 12 years old and being on the verge of a very hormonal teenager at the moment I with this he has had to deal with his dad and other family on the other side of the world since you came back to the uk - he's lashing out because he's probably scared, he's going to miss you and his family here and all his friends and travel to the unknown on the other side of the world, and there is probably a part of him that blames you for this situation to, in his naive 12yr old head!

 

I think the best you can do is try and ignore these outbursts and try and sit down and talk to him. Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel, he should know. Tell him you love him enough to let him go, he won't understand what that means now, but he will when he's older. Tell him how it's tearing you up inside being like this but you know he needs to make this decision himself. Tell him how proud you are of him and what a fine young man he's turning into. Tell him he can call/skype you any time he wants and tell him you 'nag' because you care! I think you need to be more open and honest with him and tell him if it doesn't work out, that's ok too at least he knows he tried!

 

My heart goes out to you, you are in an awful situation, but i don't think you should be protecting him from all your feelings, as that isn't being honest, yes you've given your blessing, but it doesn't mean you have to be happy about it x

[Quoll]

As the mother of sons who certainly went through this phase, I'd say take out the "normal" about-to-be-teenage angst and you're probably left with little more. I think Cathy 99 has nailed it! I think he's probably scared stiff and possibly a little angry with you that you haven't put your foot down but have given him the responsibility for his own decision - kids like boundaries (firm ones) that they can kick against secure in the knowledge that they're safe. He's probably concerned deep down that he won't have the security of those boundaries in Aus and not with his dad.

 

I think you've done an amazing job given the circumstances and in no way are you a bad mum! Not even close!

[HappyHeart]

I think it's really hard to make decisions 'in the best interests' of your child. Mums are, after all only human. We get jealous, we feel grief, we feel loss, we want our children to be perfectly happy. We take on all that responsibility and I don't think its possible to love them 'too much'. A mum makes the best decisions she can at the time. If those decisions are made in love we cannot judge them. Parenting didn't come with a 'how to' book. Hardest bloody job in the world. Hats off to all the brave mums (and Dads) who let go. Letting them go is the ultimate pain.

[Major Tom]

I bet he is angry about you not letting him take his PS4.

He loves that thing after all and your making him leave it.

 

He's playing the parent card...............it's easy to see. PS4 is £100 secondhand, and not the reason for the defiance!

[GooseRenders]

In less than two weeks my 12 year old son is moving from England to Australia to live with his dad for five months to get a feel for life in Australia. He is going with my blessing (not that I want him to leave me, but he is unhappy in England and I think he needs to have this time to 'find' himself'.)

 

This was all confirmed last Monday and Tuesday, and now he is being really nasty and unreasonable to me. He won't do anything I ask him to do and just looks at me defiantly as if to say "make me do it then - how are you going to do that?" and when I asked him to put his dirty clothes in the linen basket he snapped "do it yourself."

 

He spends all of his time in his bedroom after school now and will only come down for his dinner after lots of calling and eventually, shouting, at him to do so. He doesn't want to do anything with me at all. I've asked him what he would like to do today and he's said "nothing."

 

A friend of mine has invited us over to a BBQ later today and when I told my son we were going to that he snapped "I'm not going, I won't know anyone" so I told him that's exactly what it's going to be like in Australia - he won't know anyone, so today will be a good practice session for him to learn how to meet new people and make small talk! We then had an argument about it and he said he will stay at home and I can go on my own. I know for sure his dad won't take that attitude when he is with him and his dad will expect him to go to all sorts of places where he has never met people before.

 

Shortly after that, his dad rang him, and he answered the phone full of joy and chatted away for over half an hour. I heard him say "you're not going to nag are you? mum's always nagging me."

 

He also wants to take his PS4 to Australia with him and wants me to pack it in his suitcase. I've told him he's not taking it and it is staying here until he makes up his mind where he wants to live for good, at which point I will sell it and let him have the money to buy another one in Oz as this one could get damaged in transit etc. He thinks I'm mean and said his dad said he could take it so I should let him take it. I also heard him say to his dad "mum thinks I'll come back to live with her because the PS4 is here, that's why she won't let me bring it, but we can just buy another one can't we."

 

I'm barely holding it together at the moment. There is a terrible atmosphere in the house and it feels like my son hates me right now. He said to me on Thursday night "is there any way I can go to Dad's sooner?" I'm trying to ignore all of this and carry on as normal.

 

I know this sounds dramatic, but I feel like I'm living in limbo and it's like waiting for someone you love to die when you know the end is near and the death is inevitable. There is this big elephant in the room all the time!

 

My family are all upset that he is going away, but we are doing our best not to let him see that and are openly supporting his decision. We are definitely NOT doing or saying anything to try and influence his decision over where to live, or emotionally blackmail him in any way as we know that he has to make his own mind up now, so he is going with all of our blessings. I feel such a failure as a mum right now, I've always done my best to make his life happy, but it was never good enough. He is getting what he wants, this is all of his choice, so why is he being so nasty to me?

 

Hi Rachel,

 

I'm desperate to know how everything went with goodbyes and how your son is getting on over in Aus?

[CaptainC]

Hi Rachel,

 

I'm desperate to know how everything went with goodbyes and how your son is getting on over in Aus?

Ditto!!

[Rachel Tilley]

Hi guys, thanks for thinking of us

 

Well, the update is - he's loving it! He's been there six weeks now and celebrates his birthday tomorrow on Father's Day, so it will be a joint celebration and the first time in all these years that he's spent a birthday with his dad that has fallen on Father's Day. He started school last week and has told me that everyone is lovely and has made him welcome and (quote) "I've fitted right in", to which I replied enthusiastically "that's great" whilst secretly thinking "oh sh1t!" Apparently he's a big hit with the girls due to his English accent! I'm pleased he is happy; to be honest I probably have more detailed conversations with him now than I did when he was living with me.

 

However, I miss him like mad and fear that when he comes home at Christmas it will only be for a visit and he will want to return to live with his dad, step-mum and brothers. BUT - the main thing is that he is happy at this time and that's the most important thing for me. Knowing he is happy has helped me to accept things and I'm making a life for myself and doing things I've not previously had time to do.

[Tulip1]

All sounds very positive Rachel, good to hear. Something that crossed my mind over this and I am sure it has yours is - You have said before you would love to move to Oz but cannot as you don't have a visa. I know it's 7 years or so off but if your son should stay out there, once he is a working adult you can get a parent visa (albeit) an expensive one. Maybe one day you will be out there too xxx

 

 

Hi guys, thanks for thinking of us

 

Well, the update is - he's loving it! He's been there six weeks now and celebrates his birthday tomorrow on Father's Day, so it will be a joint celebration and the first time in all these years that he's spent a birthday with his dad that has fallen on Father's Day. He started school last week and has told me that everyone is lovely and has made him welcome and (quote) "I've fitted right in", to which I replied enthusiastically "that's great" whilst secretly thinking "oh sh1t!" Apparently he's a big hit with the girls due to his English accent! I'm pleased he is happy; to be honest I probably have more detailed conversations with him now than I did when he was living with me.

 

However, I miss him like mad and fear that when he comes home at Christmas it will only be for a visit and he will want to return to live with his dad, step-mum and brothers. BUT - the main thing is that he is happy at this time and that's the most important thing for me. Knowing he is happy has helped me to accept things and I'm making a life for myself and doing things I've not previously had time to do.

[CaptainC]

Hi guys, thanks for thinking of us

 

Well, the update is - he's loving it! He's been there six weeks now and celebrates his birthday tomorrow on Father's Day, so it will be a joint celebration and the first time in all these years that he's spent a birthday with his dad that has fallen on Father's Day. He started school last week and has told me that everyone is lovely and has made him welcome and (quote) "I've fitted right in", to which I replied enthusiastically "that's great" whilst secretly thinking "oh sh1t!" Apparently he's a big hit with the girls due to his English accent! I'm pleased he is happy; to be honest I probably have more detailed conversations with him now than I did when he was living with me.

 

However, I miss him like mad and fear that when he comes home at Christmas it will only be for a visit and he will want to return to live with his dad, step-mum and brothers. BUT - the main thing is that he is happy at this time and that's the most important thing for me. Knowing he is happy has helped me to accept things and I'm making a life for myself and doing things I've not previously had time to do.

 

Really lovely post, and although it must hurt like mad, he's happy and that's all a parent ever wants, so hats off to you.

 

Glad to hear that you seem to be coping too. Don't let Christmas worry you too much, just enjoy your time with him and see what happens.

[Chortlepuss]

Lovely post! Fast forward a few years and like many Ozzie teens he'll be dreaming of long trips and even a move to Europe!!!

[the bottler]

Hi guys, thanks for thinking of us

 

Well, the update is - he's loving it! He's been there six weeks now and celebrates his birthday tomorrow on Father's Day, so it will be a joint celebration and the first time in all these years that he's spent a birthday with his dad that has fallen on Father's Day. He started school last week and has told me that everyone is lovely and has made him welcome and (quote) "I've fitted right in", to which I replied enthusiastically "that's great" whilst secretly thinking "oh sh1t!" Apparently he's a big hit with the girls due to his English accent! I'm pleased he is happy; to be honest I probably have more detailed conversations with him now than I did when he was living with me.

 

However, I miss him like mad and fear that when he comes home at Christmas it will only be for a visit and he will want to return to live with his dad, step-mum and brothers. BUT - the main thing is that he is happy at this time and that's the most important thing for me. Knowing he is happy has helped me to accept things and I'm making a life for myself and doing things I've not previously had time to do.

 

 

thank you Rachel for letting us know how you and your son are ... early days for him ... my heart goes out to you ... you are a really good Mum ... please let us know as time goes on how you and your son are doing ...

[PommyPaul]

could i ask why is he unhappy in England? sounds lie a bit of a cliché but being in Australia often won't solve the problem for the young fella, it sounds like he's lashing out at you as he's hiding problems inside, could be a million things causing it but often as the saying goes we hurt the ones we love and I'm sure despite how he's acting towards you he loves you very much really.

[rammygirl]

Don't forget to tell him you miss him. Nothing heavy, but just pretending you are 100% fine may leave him thinking you don't really care. I bet he is missing you too.

[Rachel Tilley]

could i ask why is he unhappy in England? sounds lie a bit of a cliché but being in Australia often won't solve the problem for the young fella, it sounds like he's lashing out at you as he's hiding problems inside, could be a million things causing it but often as the saying goes we hurt the ones we love and I'm sure despite how he's acting towards you he loves you very much really.

 

He's spent the last 8 years growing up in England with me and holidaying to Oz every year to see his dad. However, as he's got older he's been missing his dad and the life he never had and got very down. He thinks the grass is greener, but like I've said to many, it's not greener at all - in fact, it's rather parched!

[Rachel Tilley]

Don't forget to tell him you miss him. Nothing heavy, but just pretending you are 100% fine may leave him thinking you don't really care. I bet he is missing you too.

 

Thanks rammygirl. I've just spoken to him, he knows I miss him and I know he loves me but not sure he's missing me just yet! He's had a lovely birthday today and told me that his step mum sorted it all out and came up with a lovely day out for him. I don't want to put too much pressure on him so that he feels he has to come back to live with me, so trying to find the balance of letting him know I'm fine and not falling apart without him but wanting him to come home is a bit difficult!

[Cal2]

there is a saying: "if someone doesn't appreciate your presence, let them appreciate your absence" and I think that is what will happen. You're clearly a fantastic mum allowing him to have this experience however it works out, and I would just go along with him for now. If something needs to be done, i.e. go to the barbecue then he has to go, PS4 let it go it belongs to him doesn't it.

 

I don't know anyone on here who doesn't miss the UK at some time, he has no sense of reality of what it is really like living here in Oz.

 

Whatever happens you're doing an awesome job, if his Dad is amenable perhaps he will have a word with your son about his behaviour.

[starlight7]

Kids!! He is lucky having a Mum like you who doesn't lay the guilt trip onto him.

[Paul1Perth]

He's 12 years old and confused Rachel. It's probably a survival thing that he's too young to understand yet. I'm sure when the time comes to leave he will be devastated to say goodbye and he might have a nasty shock if he thinks he's going to get away with everything with his Dad. If he does his Dad is asking for nothing but trouble. Don't take it to heart.

[Rachel Tilley]

I have an update!

 

He's now half way through his trip and this is what he's told me.

 

He is missing England and his family here, his brother is driving him mad, he has made a few friends but they all live too far away to see out of school so he has no one to socialise with locally, his dad is working long hours to make ends meet and is not at home much and when he is he's stressed and grumpy. He is counting down the days to how long it is until he comes home because he said "it's 72 days before I come home." He's also asked me if I've managed to get him back in to his old school yet as he's missing his friends.

 

On the positive side, he goes to the park and the beach quite a lot, but even that has got a bit boring now!

[HappyHeart]

Rachel, you are an amazing mother. You gave him his wings and he's going to fly right back to you. It might not be forever ( what is?)but you did the best and bravest thing you could do. Enjoy the homecoming.

[Que Sera Sera]

My girl did the same, but then Ping Pommed a few times, so just be aware he may try it again. Kids especially those that have parents in different places can be bugg3rs for playing parents off against each other. The teenage years can be even worse but at least you've shown him you aren't clipping his wings but giving him the freedom to work it out for himself.