gumster Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Parents in law been here 6 1/2 wks & I feel like im either going to murder them in cold blood or divorce their son! The inlaws are intending to return again in Feb 15 for 3mths! My grown up son also visited in June for 5wks to which my partner says he was equally stressed sharing the house with others! Apart from building a granny flat im at a loss as to how i can make this any easier. The inlaws have OCD cleaning so ive come home every night from work to find my house has been re-arranged, scrubbed, cleaned & invariably a dammed napkin placed under anything on the kitchen surfaces! My BBQ & garden have been assualted by their over enthusiasm domestics. Friends say they would love someone to clean their house but this isnt normal cleaning this is Kim & Aggie in the flesh! I do however realise its inevitable that family will want to visit for extended stay but i really need advice on how others keep their sanity! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaska Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I don't know if there is an answer, we struggle. Are they independent - could they break it up with a long weekend/week somewhere else? Better still - could you use it as an opportunity to go away as someone is around to look after the house/kids/pets* (*delete as applicable)! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Thats a long time OP,and especially with people with OCD!Ok in their own place but not yours.Its your house and its up to you both who and for how long you have people staying.Have the outlaws already booked this next 3 mth trip?If they havent,I would discuss with OH first,and then either tell them while they're with you (could cause a bad atmosphere)that you've both decided its not something you want,or wait until they return home,and then tell them that in future the most you will accept anyone staying with you is 2 weeks.If they ask why,tell them honestly its just too much.3 months is a long time.Its not something I would enjoy,no matter who it was. I think its difficult.You probably feel obligated to speak to them at night when all you'd rather do is veg out in front of the tv,keeping them occupied,organising meals and so on.Just be honest hon.Its your house,your rules! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Its funny though we often feel differently with the OH's family than if it were our own. I think it is something you need to discuss with your husband, but also try and imagine if it was your parents rather than in-laws. It would probably be a different mindset. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Valium! No, honestly I don't know! My parents did the 6/6 thing for 15 yrs but they built a granny flat on our block which gave us both independence. We are currently living in my parents' house as they need care and some days I want to scream or slit my wrists (or both!) I guess to put a slightly different slant on the OCD - they're probably hugely grateful for your hospitality and want to acknowledge that in the only way they know and what would be a way they would appreciate. It'd be worse if they sat around on the couch all day watching telly and never chucked their tinnies or takeaway boxes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 :laugh: I've heard this so many times. We've had our heads together with friends here and decided we could write a pretty funny book about overstaying friends and rellies. My in-laws and my parents came for 6 weeks each the first year we were here. Me and the wife were both struggling and took to going to sit outside a lot reading and leaving them in with the TV. I took the opportunity when her folks were here to spend more time playing squash.:laugh: We made a pact after the first visit that we would tell the respective parents that their next visit would be 4 weeks tops. A couple of weeks after her folks had been back in the UK her Dad rang and thought they would maybe come out for 6 months here and have 6 months in the UK.:cry: I reminded my wife what we had discussed and our 3 year old heard us talking. A couple of days later the FIL rang again and our son picked up the phone we just heard him having a chat to his Grandad so we left him for a minute or two then we heard him say "it's OK by me Granded but I don't think Paul's very happy" My wife realised he must have mentioned coming for 6 months and tried to grab the phone quickly:laugh:. Did us a favour as it turned out. The FIL must have realised he was pushing his luck and asked how long he thought was OK. When my wife said a month tops I don't think they were very pleased but they got the message. Even close friends can get a bit waring in the same house. You have to bite the bullet and tell them how long they can stay, it's your house. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Oh I feel your pain, I really do! When my inlaws have been staying (they usually come for 6 weeks at a time) I have got to just that point - kill them, or divorce their son!! Do they hire a car while they are here? That's sometimes a good way to get them out and about (and away!) Other than that all I can suggest is taking up something like boxing at your local gym, and spending time there regularly taking out your frustrations on a punchbag! Not much help I'm afraid, just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel - oh, and in an hour I go to the airport to pick up my parents who are coming to stay for four weeks - it's much easier for me as they are my parents, but I know it's going to be a struggle for my husband (even though we - and our kids - all know that my Mum and Dad are totally mad!!) Alcohol, that's the other thing, lots and lots of alcohol..... for them as well as you (I find it makes them fall asleep earlier too) I've just seen you're in Adelaide - on previous visits I have either encouraged my folks to book on a weekend coach trip to places (Kangaroo Island, overnight in McLaren Vale, Clare Valley etc) or booked them on something "as a gift" (such as a trip to the Yorke Peninsula) - keep an eye on things like Groupon Travel and buy them a voucher they HAVE to use!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I remember it well. I had a MIL who liked it here so much she decided she wanted to stay with us more or less forever. It was a very, very difficult time for all of us- the kids didn't get on with her very well because she interfered constantly and tried to 'discipline' them- even locking one in a cupboard when we went out one night. Her idea of dealing with a cheeky child! Sadly it ruined the children's relationship with her and none of them wanted anything to do with her after that. She has since died but my memory of her and their memories of her are not so good as they would have been before that long, long visit. In the end it was 16 weeks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calNgary Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Can you not suggest / recommend that they take a few short breaks (without you) whilst they are here? We did this and offered to help organise anything and it works for us when the In Laws come. Last time they had a break and flew to Sydney for a few days to see the sights etc . The first time they came we actually took a short break too and left them here with the kids!! lol, they got the quality grandparent time and we got some much needed 'child free time,lol.. Cal x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ptp113 Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I remember it well. I had a MIL who liked it here so much she decided she wanted to stay with us more or less forever. It was a very, very difficult time for all of us- the kids didn't get on with her very well because she interfered constantly and tried to 'discipline' them- even locking one in a cupboard when we went out one night. Her idea of dealing with a cheeky child! Sadly it ruined the children's relationship with her and none of them wanted anything to do with her after that. She has since died but my memory of her and their memories of her are not so good as they would have been before that long, long visit. In the end it was 16 weeks. We'll call you saint from now on.................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Les Patterson Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 My brother had a sign on his kitchen wall that said "Visitors are like fish....after three days they both begin to smell".....it was put there specifically for his mother in law........but it hit her forehead and sailed right over so he said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roborac Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Well , this is so different to how I remember the visits from my parents and my sisters trips out to us, we came to Adelaide in 1982, 18 months later my parents and my sister who was disabled and always traveled with them came for a holiday . it was the first of many , in fact altogether came 16 times, then after my dad died my mum and sister came another twice with the help of another sister They loved meeting our daughters partners and later on their great grand children . they are still remembered and talked about often We have lots of memories of times spent with them, I think often people forget how hard it is when loved ones emigrate and their need to come and spend time with them, or were we lucky that we had great visitors ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Probably lucky I'd say!:laugh:Its just pretty hard to have someone staying for a longer period.People might feel like they are treading on other people's toes by doing some cleaning or whatever,you and your OH might just want time to yourselves,the added costs,lack of privacy,and so on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vickyplum Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 that's pretty cheeky, my parents or in-laws would never ask to stay for that long! a difficult one... I guess you and your partner need to discuss it, and as others have said, set a time limit on future guests. I can understand people don't want to live in hotels for 3 months, but it also seems unfair that you take the place of the hotel! Presumably they go away and explore other parts of Australia, and contribute to the running of the house? They're not just hanging around the place all the time I'd hope :confused: Parents in law been here 6 1/2 wks & I feel like im either going to murder them in cold blood or divorce their son! The inlaws are intending to return again in Feb 15 for 3mths! My grown up son also visited in June for 5wks to which my partner says he was equally stressed sharing the house with others! Apart from building a granny flat im at a loss as to how i can make this any easier. The inlaws have OCD cleaning so ive come home every night from work to find my house has been re-arranged, scrubbed, cleaned & invariably a dammed napkin placed under anything on the kitchen surfaces! My BBQ & garden have been assualted by their over enthusiasm domestics. Friends say they would love someone to clean their house but this isnt normal cleaning this is Kim & Aggie in the flesh! I do however realise its inevitable that family will want to visit for extended stay but i really need advice on how others keep their sanity! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gumster Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 Thank you all so much for all the suggestions & advice! My plan now is to lock myself in a cupboard with a large supply of diazapam & wine lol! Xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Id give anything to have my parents visit for any amount of time! Unfortunately without the aid of a seance that's not going to happen. Having said that though the MIL came out for just two weeks and let's say tensions arose. Getting up and putting the washing machine on for three items of clothing at 5am was a highlight. The laundry being next to my sons bedroom and it was his first day at High School that morning. When asked why she had felt the need to wash at 5am the answer was she was worried it wouldn't dry. Perth January 40 degrees :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Here's a story from the parents' side: We are planning a two month trip to coincide with the birth of our first grandchild, but we wouldn't dream of staying with our daughter for longer than two weeks tops. During our last trip two years ago we stayed just under two weeks with our daughter and partner, house swapped for a month on the other side of the city - great idea but a lot of work prior to leaving home - and travelled elsewhere for two weeks. Despite our previous sensible and considerate accommodation arrangements, my daughter's partner has let her know that we are not to be invited to stay in their house this time (her partner owns it) Not at all. There were no arguments or upsets last time - apparently its just too intrusive and too much hard work having us to stay. Sadly, my feelings towards her partner ( an Australian by birth) have changed from warmth and liking to wariness and a carefully hidden resentment. For two pins I wouldn't bother spending extortionate amounts of money to make a horrible flight so that I could spend hours of my time babysitting. Spain beckons ... but my daughter wants us there and is looking forward to our visit. And of course, despite everything, I still want to go, still want to spend hours of my time babysitting, and of course meet the new arrival. but there is no doubt I will be very much on my guard around my daughter's partner. How sad, and how unnecessary. Be careful how you deal with your 'rellies' - we aren't all clinging free loaders. Some of us actually have the resources to look after ourselves - including the intelligence to ask ourselves whether it really is worth all the effort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 My parents come out for 3 months at a time, no problem at all, the (adult) grandkids (and us) enjoy the good old cooked meals they do. they do not drive but are quite happy to fit in with any plans and they get about locally by foot or the free transport with the clubs/pubs, and we don't mind putting ourselves out to do things for them, after all what have they done for us over the years, and in the end it is only a short time with many months or years without them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Keith and Linda you've restored my faith in families! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LouDYorkie Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I feel your pain Gumster. My inlaws came for 4 weeks in March/April. It was not easy!! They didn't like me in the UK before we moved and it's no different here. I am at home through the day so offered to drop them places or to the train station but my MIL said it was too hot to go anywhere or she'd rather wait until my husband (her son) got home from work and then do something. When I asked why they wouldn't do the tourist thing she said she's not a sun worshipper like me (I'm not!) and that there's not much to do in Brisbane anyway!!! Well she knew how hot it would be before she arrived (she manages the Caribbean by the way), and as for saying that there's nothing to do in Brisbane.....I was so upset and angry The final straw for me was her coming in our bedroom at 8am whilst my husband and I were in bed to remind him that it was now 8am and he'd said he was going to leave for work early that day-really?!? 40 years old and needs a wake up call from mummy....too much! Next visit unscheduled. But hopefully winter so they at least see some of this beautiful city!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Here's a story from the parents' side: We are planning a two month trip to coincide with the birth of our first grandchild, but we wouldn't dream of staying with our daughter for longer than two weeks tops. During our last trip two years ago we stayed just under two weeks with our daughter and partner, house swapped for a month on the other side of the city - great idea but a lot of work prior to leaving home - and travelled elsewhere for two weeks. Despite our previous sensible and considerate accommodation arrangements, my daughter's partner has let her know that we are not to be invited to stay in their house this time (her partner owns it) Not at all. There were no arguments or upsets last time - apparently its just too intrusive and too much hard work having us to stay. Sadly, my feelings towards her partner ( an Australian by birth) have changed from warmth and liking to wariness and a carefully hidden resentment. For two pins I wouldn't bother spending extortionate amounts of money to make a horrible flight so that I could spend hours of my time babysitting. Spain beckons ... but my daughter wants us there and is looking forward to our visit. And of course, despite everything, I still want to go, still want to spend hours of my time babysitting, and of course meet the new arrival. but there is no doubt I will be very much on my guard around my daughter's partner. How sad, and how unnecessary. Be careful how you deal with your 'rellies' - we aren't all clinging free loaders. Some of us actually have the resources to look after ourselves - including the intelligence to ask ourselves whether it really is worth all the effort. I really feel your hurt, and your daughter must be pretty upset as well. Our only grandchildren are in UK, and we are left in no doubt that as far as our DIL is concerned we are a nuisance. we never stay with them, have learnt the hard way!! and we never ever ever stayed more than a few days, and even that was too much trouble. I blame my son quite frankly for not telling her that we are as important as her family. we fly from the other side of the world, pay a fortune in rent, and are basically told when it is convenient to see them. the grandchildren are only 4&6, but all their activities are far more important than being with us when we are there. we spoil them while there, pay and take them all away for either a week in Centre Parks or some where similar. paid for the them to visit here last year, renting a flat by the beach for them, and basically spent no time with the grandchildren, just weren't included as it was their holiday!!! The hurt still hasn't gone away. we get on really well with both other son, daughter + their partners! thank goodness they are both in OZ, and not the difficult one, and that isn't the problem as she was just the same from day 1, when we were all still in UK. really had enough, and have to face the fact that we either have a real bust up next visit, or I cope, or I don't see the grandchildren. so young in laws can be just as difficult as old ones!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I really feel your hurt, and your daughter must be pretty upset as well.Our only grandchildren are in UK, and we are left in no doubt that as far as our DIL is concerned we are a nuisance. we never stay with them, have learnt the hard way!! and we never ever ever stayed more than a few days, and even that was too much trouble. I blame my son quite frankly for not telling her that we are as important as her family. we fly from the other side of the world, pay a fortune in rent, and are basically told when it is convenient to see them. the grandchildren are only 4&6, but all their activities are far more important than being with us when we are there. we spoil them while there, pay and take them all away for either a week in Centre Parks or some where similar. paid for the them to visit here last year, renting a flat by the beach for them, and basically spent no time with the grandchildren, just weren't included as it was their holiday!!! The hurt still hasn't gone away. we get on really well with both other son, daughter + their partners! thank goodness they are both in OZ, and not the difficult one, and that isn't the problem as she was just the same from day 1, when we were all still in UK. really had enough, and have to face the fact that we either have a real bust up next visit, or I cope, or I don't see the grandchildren. so young in laws can be just as difficult as old ones!!!!!! It's not worth a "bust up". Just try and cope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 No I agree Paul1Perth, its not worth a bust up. I was heartened though, to find that we are not alone in being somewhat unappreciated by inlaws when we visit. My daughter grew up with 'part time' grandparents, as we lived a long way from my parents so they used to stay for a month every summer - we all had a great time, knew not to step on each others toes, but honestly don't remember any big problems with it. I once told a colleague my parents were coming to stay for a month and the immediate response was 'poor you.' When I said I couldn't wait to see them, I got a disbelieving reply. I guess some people get on with their family and some don't. We have always got on with our daughter (only child) like a house on fire and we had planned to move over on a parents' visa eventually. I am now beginning to wonder ... Incidentally that only reason our daughter told us what had been said (I said she should have kept it to herself) was that she didn't want us to think she didn't want us there... difficult! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Further to my earlier post I forgot that we (Linda & I) also go back to uk for 4-6weeks, and for the most stay with Number 1 son & DIL and the two grandkids. no problems whatsoever, we have the their bedroom whilst they squash up with the kids/campbed. I did upset the DIL once, sort of about her cooking, I just mentioned spaghetti is boring, but it is now just a family joke, but I do get the Scarborough warning from Linda prior to and during each visit now. I feel for those that do struggle and from reading these post I am thankful of our own understanding family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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