judyq Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Been awhile since i have posted so bear with me, wanted to tell our story and also to know what other people have done in our situation. We left the u.k for the sunshine coast in Spring, myself, partner and three children. The usual massive trauma and effort made including selling house,shipping everything we owned, selling stuff, farewell parties etc. Any person who says it is easy is lying,I think we were a little, naive,unprepared in many ways but we got on with it and slowly made a go of it all, my partner getting a good job, kids settling and my eldest daughter in particular embraced the sporty healthy life style and was so happy. After just a year the call came, my father seriously ill I came home within a few days, he was so ill I thought maybe even wouldn't make it. I have a sibling but my parents were struggling.I did all i could in three weeks then returned. When I look back now I have no idea why we did it, guilt, feeling we had no choice, i don't know but we made the decision to come back to support the family. Being so expensive the other way we borrowed alot of money, sold just about everything and returned this summer. I think we thought we had no choice but should have listened to our gut.All we did for the last month was cry, our eldest daughter devastated. To this day I don't know why we didn't look at other options, but we didn't and arrived, knowing almost immediately that we had made the biggest mistake of our lives. My father now home was and is well cared for, will never be the same but safe and warm and well supported. My family , on the other hand have been through hell. My partner could not find work,because we had been away we were unable to access any support and had to live in a friends caravan.Everywhere we went they were asking us to prove our right of residence despite being british and only away 14 months. We were desperate and nobody, including my parents seemed to have any idea what we had given up.Then you could say why would they, nobody asked us to come back although I think an expectation was there. We had nowhere to live, in three months going from employed in a nice rental and comfortable to homeless with no income, we had just had to present as home less when thank goodness my o.h got a job and we were able to secure a rental. Six months later we are miserable,bordering on depressed and my daughter skypes her friends in Australia every week.We have a wonderful relationship of near;y eighteen years but at times I have feared for it. We feel totally let down by friends, family, u.k everything. And it s all our fault !! Sorry for the rant but now the hard bit....my parents obviously think it for good and to be honest already take us for granted. I am torn between my family and their needs.I feel torn, a terrible daughter if i return to Australia but a terrible wife and mum if I deny my family a life they loved so much . It isa condition of our visa that we must return by 2016 or my partner would lose the right to enter Australia. There is no easy answer,we have to go back and want to like a physical pain but obviously have no money,now owe alot to a family member and have to leave aging parents who will be devastated!! What a mess!! My first regret is that we did it at all....we lost so much and will never be the same...we were quite content before we left.My far bigger regret however is coming back and sacrificing my family to be a 'good daughter'. Thanks for reading this, know there are no easy answers but would love to hear any input or if anyone has had a similar experience. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pob Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I have read this and it seems that you are quite a level headed person really. So my only advice is do what makes you and yours happy. Even if that means that one of you goes to Australia and gets a job, then gets an apartment, then ships the goods, then ships the pets and then all the people. It may take time but if that is what you want? There is Skype and emails. I Australia where you want to be? What about other countries? You can have a good standard of living in Europe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Don't berate yourself for making this decision, there is a lot to be said for wanting to support your family and do the right thing and share the burden with your sibling. It shows you are a kind person, it only shows good things about you. I probably don't really get why you feel let down by parents, friends and the UK in general. Maybe you are just confusing or translating your pain of leaving Australia with an anger towards what you came back for. Still, there only seems to be one answer now. If you are all unhappy and missing Australia, then decide this is what you are doing and if you cannot do it straight away, then start to work towards it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nienke Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I feel for you, I really do. So sorry about your situation. I understand the pull that family in the home country can have, especially if people get ill. We live in New Zealand (came here 7,5 years ago from Holland) and are about to move to Australia. When my dad got seriously ill a couple of years ago I felt torn and felt horribly guilty, it's awful to be so far away at times like that and unable to help and be there for them. But, I agree with pob, do what makes you and your family happy, because ultimately that is the most important thing. Maybe you can start by taking one step at a time and work your way back to Australia before your visa runs out. I wish you the best, take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roborac Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I feel so sorry for the situation you are in, when we left thirty years ago my parents were young and fit and really happy for us to go Ten years ago my dad died, just a week after being here on holiday, 4years ago my youngest sister died ,then two years ago my eldest sister died ,she was disabled and my mother was her carer, Last year I went back and spent a lovely month with my mother and remaining sister my mother (92) was in the early stages of dementia but just as bright as she always was A few months later she had a stroke and I went back again and was with her when she died I have been back to the UK lots of times , for happy and sad times I felt guilty that the later years my sister took on such a lot of responsibility, now I can start to make it up to her , holidays together etc I really understand that guilt feeling you've had and admire you because there was no way I could ever have gone back to stay, You must have a very lovely man, your husband, and I think he and your children have got to be put first Best wishes on whatever you do, Margaret Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest16631 Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 .......the things we do for love.......! ......you left for Australia for the love of your family...... ......and returned for the love of family........ ......it's what makes you......you........ .......no mistake.......don't have any regrets ,it was a path you had to go down....... .......better than what if.......or something happened and you weren't able to help..... .......so now plan your next move.......... .......with a lot more experience you have just cleared your vision..... ........no blind corners.........it should be a more informed decision..... .........wherever offers you......and your immediate family the most..... .........is where you need to be....... .........parents made their choices.......lived their lives.......brought up their children..... ..........then waved them off into the world to live their lives..... ..........as we must do for ours.... ...........you can only control your life choices.........and influence your children's for a short time..... ............so make your plans......live your life........ ............it's the ultimate gift you can give parents ..ime......that you live your life to the full......enjoy it ....love it..... .............good luck to you and yours with your plans........tink x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cez Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 What I'm going to say will sound heartless, but I've always been a pragmatic type :-) what happens if a few years go by, your parents sadly pass away and your visas for Aus have expired. Will the uk be the place you want to be? And the place your children are happy? I honestly can't answer this for you, but it sounds to me like you and your family want to be back in Qld and it would be a good idea to start working on a plan now to make sure that happens before your visas expire. Good luck, you've already faced the dilemma which many of us dread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 For me my first loyalty has always been to my husband and children rather than my parental home. Your parents make their own lives and whilst you might support them as best you can that does not include living near them necessarily ( unless that is what you all want).I accept this from my children also- their children, my grandchildren, have preference and so they should. Sounds hard but that is what I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xxlornaxx Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 You felt it was the right decision at the time or you wouldn't have left so dnt regret it...and although it was difficult you dont know what would have happened had you not returned..something worse perhaps and u would b regretting staying..we never really know what life holds, you want to return now obviously so mke little steps towards that..good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Don't worry about your decisions that you made - you did what you had to do and you've survived the hardship of returning and remain a united family. As others have said do what you need to do for you and your family - what will make you all happier - there'll still be a certain amount of guilt - it's what makes us human. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
docboat Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 You need to do what is right for you, and not for anybody else. Not your parents, nor your friends - but for you, your spouse and your offspring. There may well be pain. But that is not the important thing. Do what you need to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big G Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Hi Judyq Sorry to hear about your dilemma. I agree with the previous posts, and I know people could say "its easy for you to say this", but you need to do what's right for you and your family. We're just about to start our adventure and we've thought about all of these scenarios, but as I recall my late mother telling me - "I/we will obviously miss our grandchildren and our son, however, we realise that you doing it to get a better life for yourselves and more importantly your children". She said this to me many years ago when I was toying with the idea then and I wont forget these words. My dad is in his 70's and I know he will say the same thing. Anyway, I hope you make the right decision, just remember that you're family (husband and kids) are the next chapter!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metoo Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I think Pob has given some excellent advice, as have the other posters. It looks like you need to go back. As Pob says, can you save enough for your husband to go back, secure a job and a rental and the rest of the family follow. It's not ideal but I think you need a plan and something to aim for otherwise you may get stuck in your UK life and spend years wishing it was different. Hope you can work it out, sorry x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest km75 Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Been awhile since i have posted so bear with me, wanted to tell our story and also to know what other people have done in our situation.We left the u.k for the sunshine coast in Spring, myself, partner and three children. The usual massive trauma and effort made including selling house,shipping everything we owned, selling stuff, farewell parties etc. Any person who says it is easy is lying,I think we were a little, naive,unprepared in many ways but we got on with it and slowly made a go of it all, my partner getting a good job, kids settling and my eldest daughter in particular embraced the sporty healthy life style and was so happy. After just a year the call came, my father seriously ill I came home within a few days, he was so ill I thought maybe even wouldn't make it. I have a sibling but my parents were struggling.I did all i could in three weeks then returned. When I look back now I have no idea why we did it, guilt, feeling we had no choice, i don't know but we made the decision to come back to support the family. Being so expensive the other way we borrowed alot of money, sold just about everything and returned this summer. I think we thought we had no choice but should have listened to our gut.All we did for the last month was cry, our eldest daughter devastated. To this day I don't know why we didn't look at other options, but we didn't and arrived, knowing almost immediately that we had made the biggest mistake of our lives. My father now home was and is well cared for, will never be the same but safe and warm and well supported. My family , on the other hand have been through hell. My partner could not find work,because we had been away we were unable to access any support and had to live in a friends caravan.Everywhere we went they were asking us to prove our right of residence despite being british and only away 14 months. We were desperate and nobody, including my parents seemed to have any idea what we had given up.Then you could say why would they, nobody asked us to come back although I think an expectation was there. We had nowhere to live, in three months going from employed in a nice rental and comfortable to homeless with no income, we had just had to present as home less when thank goodness my o.h got a job and we were able to secure a rental. Six months later we are miserable,bordering on depressed and my daughter skypes her friends in Australia every week.We have a wonderful relationship of near;y eighteen years but at times I have feared for it. We feel totally let down by friends, family, u.k everything. And it s all our fault !! Sorry for the rant but now the hard bit....my parents obviously think it for good and to be honest already take us for granted. I am torn between my family and their needs.I feel torn, a terrible daughter if i return to Australia but a terrible wife and mum if I deny my family a life they loved so much . It isa condition of our visa that we must return by 2016 or my partner would lose the right to enter Australia. There is no easy answer,we have to go back and want to like a physical pain but obviously have no money,now owe alot to a family member and have to leave aging parents who will be devastated!! What a mess!! My first regret is that we did it at all....we lost so much and will never be the same...we were quite content before we left.My far bigger regret however is coming back and sacrificing my family to be a 'good daughter'. Thanks for reading this, know there are no easy answers but would love to hear any input or if anyone has had a similar experience. xxx Hi Judy, I am so sorry you've gone through this and are so unhappy to be back in the UK. I feel your pain, and send you so much empathy and sympathy. I am about to leave my mum here in the UK to return to Australia, and it's been a very tough decision - my husband is Australian and got offered a job by an old work colleague so we decided to go for it. The fall out of our decision has been horrible, my sister didn't speak to me for a week, her husband fell off the wagon and my mum is gutted. I wish my husband had never been offered the job so we wouldn't be in this situation, but at the same time, in my heart of hearts know I want to bring up our children in Australia. Our children (5&7) are both really excited about the move, but we can't talk about it for fear of hurting my mum and sister's feelings. My dad died 18 months ago and we moved down from Scotland to be closer to my mum and we have effectively put our lives on hold for 18 months though no one sees it. I guess I am saying, your family won't see the sacrifices you are making by being back in the UK, and therefore there is little point in hoping they will acknowledge it. You have to do what is right for your family - your partner, your children. That said I know why you are so torn, I wish I could split myself in two - but I know if dad was still around I would go to Australia so the only reason I am here is for my mum and I don't think that should be the reason we stay. I hope you can either find happiness here, or the strength and finance to return - life is too short for regrets, and you don't know what is round the corner, so try and live for the now and make the most of it, be it here or in Australia. Good luck and I truly hope things get easier x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vanduex Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 My Dad always said to me that 'all that really matters is what happens inside his own four square walls'. Advice I have followed and will continue to follow all my life. The advice on here is fantastic and everyone agrees you have done what I think most people would do but I would agree with Cez. You have to look ahead. In 30 years time you would't want your daughter coming back to look after you. Head down and crack on is my advice. Follow your gut and get back to where you belong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Nope, not much help, but have some ((((hugs)))) I am in the position of being in UK to support my very elderly parents and I love it - so that's a whole lot different for me. I have no siblings and it was a no brainer, I just didn't return to Aus from the holiday I was on and for me it has been the best move in the world. I know I will have to go back to Aus at some point but I no longer throw up at the prospect. However it sounds like you are in quite a different situation - you need to work, we don't. You have siblings, I don't. It looks to me like the financial debt you are in might be the game changer here - you owe someone and it sounds like that has to be out of the way in order to give you the freedom (the family member lender would, I imagine, be rightly ticked off if you could fund yourself back to Aus without paying them off first!). How you do that is the next biggie - is it a case of DH finding a better paying job either here or in Aus? You do actually have quite a bit of time to spare - couple of years during which you could work your butts off to be free of debt and venture out again - having a departure date on the calendar really does make a difference even if it us a way down the track. Of course you are going to feel depressed - you probably wouldn't be normal if you didn't! You were having fun, the choice wasn't yours and of course the grass is gloriously green over there. I can imagine that at the moment your overwhelming emotion is one of feeling trapped. Don't, whatever you do, best yourself up about it - you made the best decision you could at the time with the information you had available! If it were me, I guess I would be setting a date to return - as late as you can leave it, then sitting down and working on a plan for getting out of debt and building some savings so you can leave on target. If your DH believes he can contribute better by working in Aus then let him go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Oh Hun I really feel for you. :hug: You have had a crap time, made some rash decisions (haven't we all) and now you need to start thinking about YOU and YOUR kids/husband. How old is your daughter? I was thinking if she was 18 could she come back on her own until you can all make it back? Can either of you line up a job to walk in to if you came back. If so one of you come back and start getting everything ready for the family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunbury61 Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Been awhile since i have posted so bear with me, wanted to tell our story and also to know what other people have done in our situation.We left the u.k for the sunshine coast in Spring, myself, partner and three children. The usual massive trauma and effort made including selling house,shipping everything we owned, selling stuff, farewell parties etc. Any person who says it is easy is lying,I think we were a little, naive,unprepared in many ways but we got on with it and slowly made a go of it all, my partner getting a good job, kids settling and my eldest daughter in particular embraced the sporty healthy life style and was so happy. After just a year the call came, my father seriously ill I came home within a few days, he was so ill I thought maybe even wouldn't make it. I have a sibling but my parents were struggling.I did all i could in three weeks then returned. When I look back now I have no idea why we did it, guilt, feeling we had no choice, i don't know but we made the decision to come back to support the family. Being so expensive the other way we borrowed alot of money, sold just about everything and returned this summer. I think we thought we had no choice but should have listened to our gut.All we did for the last month was cry, our eldest daughter devastated. To this day I don't know why we didn't look at other options, but we didn't and arrived, knowing almost immediately that we had made the biggest mistake of our lives. My father now home was and is well cared for, will never be the same but safe and warm and well supported. My family , on the other hand have been through hell. My partner could not find work,because we had been away we were unable to access any support and had to live in a friends caravan.Everywhere we went they were asking us to prove our right of residence despite being british and only away 14 months. We were desperate and nobody, including my parents seemed to have any idea what we had given up.Then you could say why would they, nobody asked us to come back although I think an expectation was there. We had nowhere to live, in three months going from employed in a nice rental and comfortable to homeless with no income, we had just had to present as home less when thank goodness my o.h got a job and we were able to secure a rental. Six months later we are miserable,bordering on depressed and my daughter skypes her friends in Australia every week.We have a wonderful relationship of near;y eighteen years but at times I have feared for it. We feel totally let down by friends, family, u.k everything. And it s all our fault !! Sorry for the rant but now the hard bit....my parents obviously think it for good and to be honest already take us for granted. I am torn between my family and their needs.I feel torn, a terrible daughter if i return to Australia but a terrible wife and mum if I deny my family a life they loved so much . It isa condition of our visa that we must return by 2016 or my partner would lose the right to enter Australia. There is no easy answer,we have to go back and want to like a physical pain but obviously have no money,now owe alot to a family member and have to leave aging parents who will be devastated!! What a mess!! My first regret is that we did it at all....we lost so much and will never be the same...we were quite content before we left.My far bigger regret however is coming back and sacrificing my family to be a 'good daughter'. Thanks for reading this, know there are no easy answers but would love to hear any input or if anyone has had a similar experience. xxx i have nothing but admiration for you .....be proud of yourself . We have done exactly the same , and gone through 20 years of the same experiences ....but if you arent there for your parent or parents ....WHO WILL BE ? ....its ok people saying look after yourselves , and sod everybody else ...to me thats b.llox ...... All due respect to you for giving it a go ,whtever the outcome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judyq Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 I am blown away by all the wonderful advice, help and honesty on here.I had forgotten! Absolutely there is anger but mainly at myself, As somebody said we need to get our heads down and plan for the future, we have to put this right or will regret it forever, as some other wise soul said will be guilty either way so need to do what is right for us! The finance, as always is an issue, the money was loaned by mum in law so will need to pay a substantial amount back before we go again. I really want to live in the moment but it's hard, we have some time and our kids are still young so I want us to be happy and enjoy our time here.Trying not to live with one foot on the other side of the world. I totally agree that if we stayed beyond our visa we would regret it forever and feel trapped and resentful. It is our time though, particularly my long suffering wonderful partner and brave choildren. Thank you so so much xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Good luck Judy and remember PIO is usually here to lend an ear - rants are allowed lol. Sometimes, just getting it off your chest allows you the space to carry on. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saffaleavingoz Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I believe that it will help many in the future to think twice about their decisions. Even though my situation is the opposite, wanting to leave Aus because I'm unhappy, your story does make me consider the happiness of my wife and children and their wants and needs. Your chance to turn things around are always there. Most people get second and third and fourth chances at situations like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainR Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 I can't imagine the family pull that affects some people on here, but I do sympathise heavily because it must weigh on them so much. I come from an expatriate family (my parents and sisters and myself have all been born in different countries...) so when my wife and I made the decision to move to the Middle East and subsequently have gotten Australian Permanent Residency with moving there, we've very selfishly just chosen what's best for us. In all honesty, I'd say our decision to go to Australia is 90% motivated towards the best possible future for the children due to the potential of the country in comparison to the UK, as my wife and I don't mind so much where we live. But I do find it hard when my parents miss their grandchildren. We try to call and Skype as often as possible and this seems to help a lot. I really do wish you the best in your future, and hope that your family understand the decisions you make, even if they don't like them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 I can't imagine the family pull that affects some people on here, but I do sympathise heavily because it must weigh on them so much. I come from an expatriate family (my parents and sisters and myself have all been born in different countries...) so when my wife and I made the decision to move to the Middle East and subsequently have gotten Australian Permanent Residency with moving there, we've very selfishly just chosen what's best for us. In all honesty, I'd say our decision to go to Australia is 90% motivated towards the best possible future for the children due to the potential of the country in comparison to the UK, as my wife and I don't mind so much where we live. But I do find it hard when my parents miss their grandchildren. We try to call and Skype as often as possible and this seems to help a lot. I really do wish you the best in your future, and hope that your family understand the decisions you make, even if they don't like them. Wouldn't be making the move just for the potential future for the kids - nothing inherently better there just another first world country and the kids will probably nick off once they are old enough anyway. Skype is a waste of time IMHO and just serves to exacerbate everybody's agony. In some ways out of sight and mind is a lot easier to cope with! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 Judy, have only just read your post. Really feel for you, but you did what you thought was the right thing to do by moving back to support your family. All of us who move overseas know how you felt when you were faced by having to make the decision of staying put or moving back, and there is no right answer, as we all have to make our own decisions, and I would never presume to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do. I really hope you work out a way to return if that is what is best for you. i have to put a good word in for Skype, obviously not everyone likes it, but we have just had our 2 UK grandchildren here for 3 weeks, for their first visit, age 3 and 5. We Skype regularly, and we are all comfortable with chatting to each other, there is no pressure on them to stay in the room if they don't want to, they seem to accept it as normal. They had already seen their bedroom ready for them, and a few toys waiting, and had an idea of what the house looked like, and so enjoyed seeing it all when the arrived here. So like so many things Skype suits some people and we feel keeps us close, (although I do worry in case we get confused with the tele tubbies)!!! But doesn't suit others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tuckerfa Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 We moved here in May 2008. It was my idea and I had talked about it since I was about 15! I was 38 when we got here. My dad was in bad health, but the wife, two teenage boys and I had his full blessing to come over here. His biggest regret was that he didn't when he had chance. In September 2008 he died. We had just got our lives here sorted. Jobs, rental, schools etc. We had a little bit of money left in the bank, enough for 1 flight back. The wife insisted I go, but I couldn't. All I could hear in my head was his voice saying, "don't be so bloody stupid. Waste of money to watch a box go in the ground. You have your family to look after now." I understand for everyone it is different, but the way I have always seen it is, that our parents have had their time and did what they needed to do for us, but there comes a time when we need to do whats best for us and our children and not live in our parents pockets. My dad was a great believer in that and that has help me with all the traumer of moving etc. All the best, take care and do what is right for you and your family. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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