3 weeks to go and mum starts emotional blackmail!

[kellyjamie]

Hi everyone,

 

Well we fly to Australia in 3 weeks, and to be fair my parents have been pretty fine my dads never really spoke about it, and my mums always said do what you need to do. Until now!

 

My mum and dad dont do a great deal, theyre perfectly fit and healthy and young, 55 and 66 but they just do nothing, my mum is her own worse enemy at times and doesnt bother with anyone to make an effort, we have family close by she says why should she bother phoning when they dont etc etc and never bother to go out and just generally do anything, you get the idea. They hardly take my daughter that often, my dad used to take her to school 3 mornings a week, but if we needed a babysitter my mum would need 3 weeks notice! example, she goes to theirs for dinner every wednesday right from after school club now they could collect her about 3ish but choose to go for her every week not until 430 and have her home by 630, my mum says its long enough! Theyve not gone out their way to spend any extra time given were moving to the other side of the world.

 

Then today she says "ive decided dad and i will meet u all for dinner on the monday night say farewell and then u can call once u arrive", we dont leave till the wednesday. she went on to say "i wasnt going to say but your dads really struggling kelly with all this hes had a terrible 2 weeks and to be fair i dont know how he will cope when yous are gone, but ive told him if were on our own then so be it, we'll just get on with it"!!! so not due to us starting a new life or a great opportunity but because they dont want to be on their own??

 

My dad has only ever asked how will we financially manage and that hes concerned what will happen to my mum when hes not here. I am an only child so they have out immense pressure on me with that statement. when i replied by telling her they need to help themselves slightly and get up and do things and meet people she told me its not that easy and i should try and understand theyre feelings.

 

I expected this from her at some point and im quite disappointed shes doing this now she knows exactly how to work the situ.

 

I am dreading this meal now which id hoped wouldnt be like this. theyre meant to be booking flights to come out in august and have chatted and chatted about it for ages, but now were nearly going all of a sudden they say theyre going to wait a bit before booking.

 

Its just very hard to deal with as i have so much else to deal with aswell at the mo x

[Dublin4]

Your Mam is upset about you leaving! It is unfair that she lays on the guilt though. Rise above it, and try to understand that it is tough for your parents. Do not bite back, that will make things worse. Bite your tongue, smile and tell her your sorry she feels that way, but you have to live your life. Put yourself in their shoes, and have some sympathy. Do not loose the plot, like I did with my MIL. It just makes things harder in the long run. My MIL is an old bitch though....:laugh:

[BritChickx]

Very sorry to hear that. It sounds like they're in denial about the whole thing, refusing to accept that it's actually going to happen! My mum was like that with me just going out on a working holiday visa! And then the second time around when we were gonna move there. I think they'll come round eventually, hopefully before you actually fly though and not afterwards as it wouldn't be good to leave on a bad note. The not booking flights - again I think it's something they will do eventually, but probably not til you're there and settling in and then they'll start to realise they've been silly and miss you! My mum refused to talk about it up until the last day when she was almost crying and then when i was out there always saying she loved me and missed me etc etc, (trust me that's weird for me mum cos we don't really express our feelings a lot lol). Try not to let it put a damper on things, you're doing what's best for you, they have to accept it one way or another. Let me know how it goes, hope it all works out for you.

[Incata]

I feel for you. My mother-in-law, having been good for months, has now decided (with 2 weeks to go), that it is the right time to tell my 3 year old that she will never see him again. He is distraught and I am close to strangling her. She's then coming out with psycho-babble about how if you love someone you will never be apart - it's a bit deep for a 3 year old and again I could merrily strangle her (apart from the fact that the 3 year old would not speak to me again).

 

Let's hope they get over it. Counting down the days!

[BritChickx]

BTW, you have this to look forward to when you get there

[Sammy1]

That's your Mum and she is upset that you are leaving.

 

You only get one Mum ( mine passed away at the age of 60 four years ago in the UK, my Dad died at age 50). I don't have anyone left in the UK and I sure as hell wish that I did.

 

You have to understand where she is coming from -she is only human and you are her daughter. Just talk with her, let her express her feelings and most of all please tell her that you love her before you leave, she is scared that she is losing you. My Mum visited me four times in Australia and I cherish those memories.

 

She might surprise you and visit, you never know.

 

Good luck in your new adventure.

[Jake max]

Hi sorry to hear that about your Mum,to be honest my mum and dad have been distant since my son came along 2 years ago.they were good parents when I grew up but the old school type seen and not heard .cant say I ever felt needy and my two sisters always vide for the attention ,I only noticed it when my son came along .She has only baby sat twice and when they come to visit its only for an hour

I have come to accept it as it was really starting to piss me off ,but if they don't want to spend time you can't force them .we are moving in a couple of months from Scotland to perth and I,m disappointed that they chosen to not spend time with my son more than they could anyway.Recently they stayed with us as they were getting a new house built which is over an hour away from us,they would come in late or find nearly any excuse to be out for the day.They are both retired and to be honest I seen it for what it is they make themselves busy for the sake of it.I have given up trying to please them and I suppose the moral of this tale is live your own life if they want to come they will come don't argue as it makes you worse and them.You have to go for it hopefully they will come out to see you it is a shame when you see your own kids not really knowing there grandparents .

wish you all the best

[the bottler]

My daughter-in-law was told by her parents just before they emigrated " we may come out in 10 years time " ... I flew out five months later ... video'd everything ... when I came back I sent a copy to them ... three months later they flew out ... my nephew had the same problem with his Dad ... gave him a very difficult time before they emigrated ... even stopped speaking to him ... after his first visit out there he said to me " I can understand why they wanted to live there " ... so many people come on here with similar stories ... good luck with your move ...

[Rupert]

I think you need to grit your teeth and bear with it. This is a major change for them and a change that they didn't get a say in and is out of their control. You are going through a lot as well, but you chose your path and they did not.

 

It sounds to me like they have been as supportive as they were able to for most of the time but as the day draws closer they are getting emotional and your mum has been honest with you over how your dad feels for example. They have also tried to take back a little control in deciding how and when to mark the leaving, let them have that one piece of control.

 

No parent is genuinely pleased to see their child move to the other side of the world, they are human, cut them some slack, be the bigger person and keep the peace these last few weeks. You don't want to start your emigration with a family fall out.

[lesleybruck]

Hi Kelly, i feel for you, my parents have looked after my eldest and middle son while i was at work for about 3hrs a few days a week and also my mother in law so to me they have really been amazing. I now have a 9 month old and again they look after him for me, we didnt tell family we was moving for a long time and just about to do medicals,i finally told them we was moving and my mom wouldnt talk about it and my dad said great go for it. Now the time is closer ive realised they didnt really believe we was moving because now i get tears from my dad when he picks up my little one and says ill never see him grow up, my mom is very much like yours does not make friends, never goes out unless its with myself or sisters and is very difficult at times. She refused to believe we are going and once the house went up for sale they began telling me lots of bad things, they will never visit and hope we have told the kids that, its to expensive, noone will afford to come and see us, to hot, kids will hate it. I have to hold my head up listen to what they say and reassure them we will return at times, we will call as much as poss etc etc and hopefully we will be ok financialy. When ive left their house then i can have a cry and feel guilty but i have to be hard in front of them because its very easy to give in. It was my bday recently and i was 40 so i went with my sisters ,dad, niece and friend to london to see a show, went out for dinner xmas day to celebrate, it was fantastic but also hard knowing it will maybe the last time we do great things together. Chin up my advice is listen to them reassure them and do any crying away from them, they oviously feel like they will never see you again and eventhou dont see you that much now or your daughter its very different to being half way around the world they now realise you wont be their if they ever did want to call round. x hope goes ok

[Quoll]

She's grieving and so is he - they do it in their own ways and you have to give them some leeway with that. When your kids grow up and leave you for the other side of the world I am sure you will be perfectly giving (or perhaps not, you never know) - there is no accounting for grief, people say and do things that they later regret but it's perfectly normal to lash out at the source of your distress and, unfortunately, that's you! Being an only child doesnt help either because you know that if anything goes pear shaped with them then you are the one who is going to have to deal with it, like it or not.

 

I believe I said to my grandkids as they went off on the bus to Heathrow "I am so going to miss you" and I cried (not so they could see though) - that could be construed as emotional blackmail, it certainly wasnt meant that way but it could have been. Fact that it was me that was choosing not to go back to Australia had nothing to do with it - and I dont think of myself as an enmeshed grandparent at all!!!

 

You just have to give them some space and time. They may come out to visit you, they may not (it gets harder the older you get!) and you will have to do the home visits. Its your life you can do with it what you wish but dont expect the people you leave behind to jump with joy or keep your space open. Keep smiling and enjoy dinner and have a range of subject changers - like dont prattle on about Australia all the time because that would be salting the wound.

[dmjg]

This is her way of coping. Hopefully she'll get over it.

 

My MIL was very similar to this, she learnt to get over it. They come out on average every two years for two months at a time.

 

They still moan how expensive everything is constantly. They are due for the next stint Friday week. We had to ask them on skype if they thought it was our fault the exchange rate was so bad in their favour. They said no...So we told them to never whinge about it again!

[Jacaranda]

Who has kids and expects them to be living thousands of miles away when they grow up?Probably no one.You said your Mum does'nt spend as much time with your child as you would like.Your Mum is abit older than me and I can say at 50(ish)I have never felt so tired in my life!My grandkids come up to stay(they;re 3 and 5)and I am totally shattered when I go to bed.I expect your Mum is the same.Either that or she might be avoiding spending the time,and thinking it'll only hurt more when she has to say goodbye.I know alot of people emigrating get caught up in their own excitement(and rightly so)but you need to show your parents some compassion,and understanding.Its probably an annoyance that they are'nt acting really pleased for you,and its probably unrealistic to expect them to be.You might even,once settled,miss them more than they miss you?

[craigyboy]

I feel it for you: sometimes you feel like the parents are becoming the children. Bite your tongue and crack on with your adventure.

[Tulip]

She's probably very upset and grasping at straws now that it's actually happening. I would grin and bear it if it helps her 'grieving process' over the whole thing. Sometimes things happen in our life that push us to do things we don't want to do... you leaving may mean she HAS to get out there and do things to help herself, and she may well resent you for it. Keep calm and carry on, she knows deep down that you need to be happy.

[Candygirl]

I really feel for you. I am also an only child so I kind of understand the pressure you are feeling right now.

 

Everyone deals with it in different ways and I am sure it is their way of dealing with it.

 

Could you mention about booking the flights again so they have a firm date of when they will see you. I think that helps if they know and can count down (I know this is what my mum will do) until they see you again.

 

I do agree that all parents want to see their kids happy and the decision is not theirs to make and they have to deal with it as best as they can. I suppose imagine how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

[Fisher1]

Your mother is grieving. The move is your choice not hers. You have a lot to deal with? yes, I've lived abroad myself and know there is a huge amount of work and emoting involved in a foreign move. There is also, however, a huge amount of excitement, together with the knowledge that you can always come back if you don't like it. They have no exciting new people and places to take their minds off their loss - and it is a loss. They can't decide to make you come back if they don't like it. You are their only child and they are losing you - have a bit of compassion for goodness sake. Of course they'll come and see you - and they will undoubtedly phone and skype and all the other things we parents do to bridge the gap. Get them signed up to this web site. Get them onto skype. Practice skyping while you are still here. Go for dinner, smile and rise above their irritating behaviour. They are grieving.

[Guest littlesarah]

Your parents are understandably upset - they're losing you from their day-to-day lives. It was hard enough for my folks, and we don't have children and lived almost 200 miles away when were in the UK. I don't think it's reasonable to expect our parents to pretend they're happy when they're not - after all those of us that leave have the control in the situation (which isn't what parents are really, deep down, used to).

 

I don't think your parents' limits on childcare say anything at all about their feelings for you and your child. They raised you, so they've had their time of dealing with a young child, and it only gets harder as people get older. I'm sure they think the world of you all, and that's at the root of what they're saying now. It sounds to me like they've tried to bottle things up, and now it's so close they want to tell you how they feel while they have chance. Believe it or not, I found that getting these issues out in the open before we left was a very good thing, and it gave me chance to tell my parents that my choice to leave was no reflection on how I feel about them. In believe it was the opportunities they gave me, and the upbringing I had that made as independent as I am, and that gave me the chance to get the skills that got me a visa.

 

It may be that they want to say goodbye before you go so that they don't have to see you off. I hate the airport goodbye, and when you're the ones left behind the drive home is long and painful.

 

I think these goodbyes are really hard for all involved, and it's important to try not to take what is said and done to heart too much. I was lucky that the fireworks had subsided by the time I told my parents about my visa grant, and they were great. But that was after periods in which several very hurtful things were said, including remarks about my husband (before we married). My parents will probably never visit, and I'm sure my mum was scared that we would leave and never visit them (hubby only returned to Australia twice in 10 years). Now that we're here and I've been back twice (with another visit booked for June this year), I think my folks can see that I'm happy here, still married, and that we can and do visit - that we haven't forgotten about them.

 

Give your mum time, she has to let you know what she feels, otherwise she'd never find peace. Let her know that this isn't about her and your dad, that it's about opportunities for you, and that no matter where you are you still feel the same. Like I said, the whole process is very stressful for everyone, but time helps us gain perspective and reflect on what is happening/things we said and did.

 

I hope you sort things out before you go, and that you have a positive start to your 'next chapter'.

 

:hug:

[caronandrod]

I totally feel for you. Like the others have said, you need to grit your teeth, be gracious and rise about it. Talk about the fantastic holidays you can share and about using skype etc. I had a similar situation but with my son (then aged 18) who didn't want to come with me and my (second) husband as he wanted to go to uni in the UK but was OK about us going. He said he would make the most of holidays etc until THE DAY BEFORE WE LEFT when he called me a heartless mother for leaving him ! I realised it was emotion speaking but it hurt like hell. It took 12 months for him to speak to me properly and now we chat every week on the phone and though skype. He has yet to visit though (after 5 years).

Be brave. You only have one life to live - so live it.

[Shellysmax]

Hi Kelly,

i sympathise with your situation, I am now an only child following the death of my sister and my parents live 10 minutes away in the car. My dad never visits, he hates going to other people's houses! My mum rarely comes round, both my parents still work yet as soon as you mention moving away they say they're going to miss you being close by! I have to laugh! My parents have been really good about us moving later this year but as we will be moving in with them, I expect this will either make it worse because she's so used to us being there or it'll make it easier because they got to spend time with us before we went.....only time will tell. My dad goes to a club for a few drinks regularly, my mum goes no where other than work and shopping! As you say, they should start living!

i hope all goes well for you, you do only get one life, it's not a dress rehearsal and I'm sure they'll be pleased for you deep down, eventually lol!

Shelly x

[Incata]

I feel for you. My mother-in-law, having been good for months, has now decided (with 2 weeks to go), that it is the right time to tell my 3 year old that she will never see him again. He is distraught and I am close to strangling her. She's then coming out with psycho-babble about how if you love someone you will never be apart - it's a bit deep for a 3 year old and again I could merrily strangle her (apart from the fact that the 3 year old would not speak to me again).

 

Let's hope they get over it. Counting down the days!

 

Just an update. My 3.5 year old sorted his Gran out over the weekend. She said she would not be coming so he told her that was too bad, his Grandad was coming and she would just have to miss out. She looked at him gobsmacked! She then backtracked and said that maybe she would have to come out then. At which point he turned round and said, "Don't put yourself out Grandma". I nearly wet myself! His language skills are fantastic! I don't know where he got the last phrase from as it is not one we use at home, but he sorted her out better than I ever could :biggrin: