Wanting to move back to Australia

[Violetcrumble]

Got a big big issue going on at the moment. I'm Australian and have lived in the UK for nearly 16 years, I moved here for a man who I've been married to for 7 years and we have 2 children together. 

I don't dislike living in the UK, sure it has things I don't like but on the whole I enjoy it. However it's not home and I never thought I'd live here forever. 

My hubby revealed last week that he doesn't ever want to live in Australia, we've been on holiday twice, once at Christmas so he has experienced summer. 

My urge to go home has become stronger and stronger since having children. My young sister also has children now and I'd love mine and hers to grow up together (my children will only ever have my sisters 2 children as cousins). My whole family are in Australia and I miss them terribly. 

I know it's not easy moving, especially with children and it's not something I'd want to do in like a year but to know he never wants to move is heartbreaking. 

I've always wanted to give it a go and if it didn't work out then that's fine, we tried but to never try will always have me wondering, what if. 

I'm trying to find ways to accept that I made the decision to move here for him and now I have to accept I will never return home to live. 

How do people do that? 

[newjez]

43 minutes ago, Violetcrumble said:

Got a big big issue going on at the moment. I'm Australian and have lived in the UK for nearly 16 years, I moved here for a man who I've been married to for 7 years and we have 2 children together. 

I don't dislike living in the UK, sure it has things I don't like but on the whole I enjoy it. However it's not home and I never thought I'd live here forever. 

My hubby revealed last week that he doesn't ever want to live in Australia, we've been on holiday twice, once at Christmas so he has experienced summer. 

My urge to go home has become stronger and stronger since having children. My young sister also has children now and I'd love mine and hers to grow up together (my children will only ever have my sisters 2 children as cousins). My whole family are in Australia and I miss them terribly. 

I know it's not easy moving, especially with children and it's not something I'd want to do in like a year but to know he never wants to move is heartbreaking. 

I've always wanted to give it a go and if it didn't work out then that's fine, we tried but to never try will always have me wondering, what if. 

I'm trying to find ways to accept that I made the decision to move here for him and now I have to accept I will never return home to live. 

How do people do that? 

Welcome to my world.

Actually, my wife has now come round to the idea of living in Australia, and if the economic situation was different, with the pound being stronger, we would be looking at going there to retire.

No easy answer really. But the UK isn't a hell hole at least. It has a lot of good aspects.

 

[Antipodista]

Oh I really feel for you. I’m in the opposite position with partner as in I’d like to stay in the UK and he loves Aus, but I did feel the same when he refused to spend any time here. It ultimately led to the breakdown of our relationship and it’s awful. I don’t have any answers for you but what I would say is that there has to be some reciprocity - at some point he will have to spend some time there. I think when you enter into a relationship where you come from different countries it is naive to assume that you can live in your/chosen country and the other one will have to put up with it. That’s not how life - or marriages - should work. If I had the answers maybe I wouldn’t be in the position I am in now but I just wanted to respond to say I understand fully how you feel and to please DM me if you like! X

[Quoll]

Got a big big issue going on at the moment. I'm Australian and have lived in the UK for nearly 16 years, I moved here for a man who I've been married to for 7 years and we have 2 children together. 
I don't dislike living in the UK, sure it has things I don't like but on the whole I enjoy it. However it's not home and I never thought I'd live here forever. 
My hubby revealed last week that he doesn't ever want to live in Australia, we've been on holiday twice, once at Christmas so he has experienced summer. 
My urge to go home has become stronger and stronger since having children. My young sister also has children now and I'd love mine and hers to grow up together (my children will only ever have my sisters 2 children as cousins). My whole family are in Australia and I miss them terribly. 
I know it's not easy moving, especially with children and it's not something I'd want to do in like a year but to know he never wants to move is heartbreaking. 
I've always wanted to give it a go and if it didn't work out then that's fine, we tried but to never try will always have me wondering, what if. 
I'm trying to find ways to accept that I made the decision to move here for him and now I have to accept I will never return home to live. 
How do people do that? 

Been there, got the t shirt in reverse. I loathed Australia after 32 years because I had survived, like you, with the assumption that we would spend a lot of time in U.K. as we got older. Couldn’t get my DH over for holiday most of the time - he did manage to come for our son’s wedding but not several other milestone events but even then he could only spare 4 weeks not the 8 weeks that the rest of the family stayed.

Our story had a “happy” ending in that he decided on that visit we could not possibly leave my aged parents alone so we stayed, just cashed in the return portion of our ticket. I’ve had 7 fabulous years of living where I belong and can now view the prospect of living in Australia without vomiting (literally!). Not that I recommend caring for a pair (now one) of nonagenarians is ideal retirement activity!

How I coped my last decade in Australia- I used CBT Strategies like they were going out of style! We reached a compromise (there has to be some sense of that to survive!!!) in that he kept working to fund my trips home whenever I needed them, we agreed to stay in our home rather than buggering off to the bush to be self sufficient. I reframed life - it was my decision to stay because it was the least worst option! I’d had him for nearly 40 years and life there with him was less worse than life here without him - so I was no longer the victim of someone else’s control but owner of my own destiny.

In your case I would suggest marriage guidance for the pair of you and some CBT counseling for yourself and to come up with a list of compromise options you would be happy to negotiate. You need to work out whether your relationship is the most important thing in your life or not - is he the man you want to grow old beside? You can’t cuddle a country at the end of the day!

Your husband may have solid pragmatic reasons for why a move isn’t an option - or he may just be being a controlling ar*e I dunno but that’s something that marriage guidance can sort out.

Bottom line - no right/wrong answers just wish you the very best in working your way through it, it’s a nightmare and takes great personal strength so I guess you will both have to work out which of you has the strength to be the alien for the long term.

Happy to chat any time!!!

[Jon the Hat]

Maybe try a holiday in a different part of Australia he might like?

[Bulya]

5 hours ago, Violetcrumble said:

Got a big big issue going on at the moment. I'm Australian and have lived in the UK for nearly 16 years, I moved here for a man who I've been married to for 7 years and we have 2 children together. 

I don't dislike living in the UK, sure it has things I don't like but on the whole I enjoy it. However it's not home and I never thought I'd live here forever. 

My hubby revealed last week that he doesn't ever want to live in Australia, we've been on holiday twice, once at Christmas so he has experienced summer. 

My urge to go home has become stronger and stronger since having children. My young sister also has children now and I'd love mine and hers to grow up together (my children will only ever have my sisters 2 children as cousins). My whole family are in Australia and I miss them terribly. 

I know it's not easy moving, especially with children and it's not something I'd want to do in like a year but to know he never wants to move is heartbreaking. 

I've always wanted to give it a go and if it didn't work out then that's fine, we tried but to never try will always have me wondering, what if. 

I'm trying to find ways to accept that I made the decision to move here for him and now I have to accept I will never return home to live. 

How do people do that? 

Nobody should be forced to exist there against their wishes.  Time to become strong and tell him outright how you feel

[ali]

I do feel for you,  it must be horrible to feel that a door has been firmly shut.  I agree with Quoll in that communication is the key to at least looking objectively at the issue and having an independent 3rd party might be helpful.

You may be able to compromise and have some years in Aus.  Your hubby may be worried he wouldn't be able to find a job etc., change can be very difficult for some people, even when they're not happy with how things are, it's familiar and giving up familiarity which can make us feel safe/secure can't always be done easily.

[Marisawright]

11 hours ago, Violetcrumble said:

 I'm Australian and have lived in the UK for nearly 16 years, I moved here for a man who I've been married to for 7 years and we have 2 children together....

My urge to go home has become stronger and stronger since having children. ...

IF your husband fully understands how you feel, and he's refusing point-blank to even try Australia, then yes, I think he is being an a*se.  As Antipodista says,  "when you enter into a relationship where you come from different countries it is naive to assume that you can live in your/chosen country and the other one will have to put up with it . That’s not how life - or marriages - should work."

The problem may be that he's not understanding how deeply you feel about this.  You seem happy enough in the UK and have been there without complaint for so long, perhaps he has trouble comprehending where it's come from.  Or he may be taking the attitude, "you should have known when I married you".  

Either way, somehow you've got to make sure he gets the message, and I think the only way is to get a counsellor involved.  If nothing else, the fact that you've called in a counsellor will be a strong signal that there's a real problem.  If he won't go to counselling, go on your own - the counsellor can give you tools to help you, even without his involvement. 

[ramot]

Such a difficult dilemma. My son is married to a New Zealander. They met here in Australia, and right at the beginning of their relationship my son was quite honest that he wasn’t ever likely to move to NZ, and even though they visit regularly he is still honest that it isn’t for him. We love her dearly she is part of our family, and her mother on her last visit thanked me for loving her daughter. I realise NZ is closer, and she visits a couple of times annually, but I know she gets homesick. So if the day dawns and she theoretically insists she/they move to NZ I foresee a major problem. Who would be right? One or other of a couple will be unhappy. I know our son will also feel loyalty to be near us as we are getting older, we do have a daughter in Sydney, whereas my DIL’s parents have 2 other children plus grandchildren plus plenty of family near. 

There are no easy answers. 

[Parley]

14 hours ago, ramot said:

Such a difficult dilemma. My son is married to a New Zealander. They met here in Australia, and right at the beginning of their relationship my son was quite honest that he wasn’t ever likely to move to NZ, and even though they visit regularly he is still honest that it isn’t for him.

So many of the times we hear conflicts, it is a person who from the UK and come out to Australia forwhatever reason and then fallen in love with an Australian.

Fast forward 20 years and they expect he should go back to their country. It is so wrong.

No one should expect that if they have willingly gone to another country and then got married over there that they then have a right to uproot their partner and force him off to an alien country.

So I am on your son's side Ramot because they met in Australia. Same reason I haven't been sympathetic for other posters who post with their hard luck stories. And if an Aussie has gone to the UK and done the same well I don't support them either.

[Violetcrumble]

Thank you for all the replies. 

I am from Adelaide originally and moved to Perth as a teenager so we have visited both those parts of Australia. He preferred Adelaide to Perth which I found interesting. 

I only ever moved to the UK for him. We met online wayyyyy before it was the in thing and I came on holiday with my mum (she's British) and spent time travelling around and obviously met him in person. As my mum is British if any spark etc existed it was me who had to come to the UK so I did when I was 21.

I came out to the UK on the right of abode and I'm still here on that. Yes looking back we should of discussed all this years ago, but at such a young age it never ever crossed my mind. 

I have no immediate family here what so ever. My grandparents went to Australia with the 4 children (1 of them obviously my mum) in the 60s. My hubby is an only child and my inlaws sadly I'm not close too. 

Yes I made the decision all those years ago to come here and I know people will take the stance of 'get on and deal with it' but I won't lie in that my heart breaks that I left everything behind for my hubby and the flat refusal from him to not even try comes across as though I'm not worth it. 

I'm a bit more lets take a risk and try. I have no shame in admitting I'm wrong and if living in Australia turned out to not be what we wanted etc then I'd come back to the UK. Its the never knowing that gets to me. 

How my grandparents did it, especially by ship I will never know. Its only now do I realise what a bold and brave decision they made for a country they never even visited first. 

[Tulip1]

2 hours ago, Parley said:

So many of the times we hear conflicts, it is a person who from the UK and come out to Australia forwhatever reason and then fallen in love with an Australian.

Fast forward 20 years and they expect he should go back to their country. It is so wrong.

No one should expect that if they have willingly gone to another country and then got married over there that they then have a right to uproot their partner and force him off to an alien country.

So I am on your son's side Ramot because they met in Australia. Same reason I haven't been sympathetic for other posters who post with their hard luck stories. And if an Aussie has gone to the UK and done the same well I don't support them either.

I couldn’t agree more. You can explain how sad you feel and hope they are happy to relocate but they’re not horrible if they don’t, they was never part of the deal  unless it was said at the beginning “I’m happy to live here but in 10 or 20 years time I may expect you to uproot and move, ok with you?”

[Tulip1]

3 minutes ago, Violetcrumble said:

Thank you for all the replies. 

I am from Adelaide originally and moved to Perth as a teenager so we have visited both those parts of Australia. He preferred Adelaide to Perth which I found interesting. 

I only ever moved to the UK for him. We met online wayyyyy before it was the in thing and I came on holiday with my mum (she's British) and spent time travelling around and obviously met him in person. As my mum is British if any spark etc existed it was me who had to come to the UK so I did when I was 21.

I came out to the UK on the right of abode and I'm still here on that. Yes looking back we should of discussed all this years ago, but at such a young age it never ever crossed my mind. 

I have no immediate family here what so ever. My grandparents went to Australia with the 4 children (1 of them obviously my mum) in the 60s. My hubby is an only child and my inlaws sadly I'm not close too. 

Yes I made the decision all those years ago to come here and I know people will take the stance of 'get on and deal with it' but I won't lie in that my heart breaks that I left everything behind for my hubby and the flat refusal from him to not even try comes across as though I'm not worth it. 

I'm a bit more lets take a risk and try. I have no shame in admitting I'm wrong and if living in Australia turned out to not be what we wanted etc then I'd come back to the UK. Its the never knowing that gets to me. 

How my grandparents did it, especially by ship I will never know. Its only now do I realise what a bold and brave decision they made for a country they never even visited first. 

I really feel for you and there is little you can do. Even if you were prepared to end your relationship over this and move back you can’t take the kids unless he agrees.  There are many parents stuck in a country unhappy because they have kids and can’t leave and that’s a shame. That said, I don’t think your hubby is being nasty, he’s just being as honest as you and sadly for you he has the upper hand. I wish you well 

[Quoll]

On the pragmatic side again, you should get your citizenship anyway, makes life much easier.

When we fall in love, we don’t necessarily have those “I may want to live on the other side of the world at some point” discussions unfortunately because, for some, that could be a deal breaker.  Apparently my DH told my mother on our wedding day that if I didn’t like it he’d bring me home - that was according to her - my DH claims selective amnesia! LOL

I think a large part of your problem might be that your DH is an only child. That’s a horrible situation to find yourself in with aging parents. His guilt at leaving them would probably be too overwhelming unfortunately (got the “only child” t shirt too!) 

Edited January 26, 2019 by Quoll

[Antipodista]

@Parley I understand to an extent where you are coming from but life isn’t so simple. If one of your children had married someone overseas in entirely good faith that they would have no intention of needing to ever return to their home country then, say, you got very ill, or they became incredibly depressed due to situational depression that they had never envisaged, or their work and career prospects were entirely thwarted by that country and their mental health was being severely impacted by living there and their spouse refused to allow them to return for even a few years...your response to your child would be “yep, no hard luck stories please. You made the decision to live there all those years ago so tough?”

There are no rights and wrongs and I don’t think it is black and white. Both parties need to go into an expat marriage with eyes open - to say “well I told you I never wanted to live there!” might give you the moral high-ground but it won’t give you a happy and loving marriage.

[Bulya]

Getting stuck in Blighty isn’t something one should have to put up with.  I hope you can escape 

[Violetcrumble]

I can't afford to become a citizen and the only thing I get is the option to have a British passport. I already work, pay tax and vote.

Amazingly my hubby has agreed that he'd sign whatever he had too allowing me to take our children to Australia and him stay here. That did shock me and I'm not sure he'd actually go through with it. Those were his words, I've never asked he just blurted it out. 

My hubby isn't close to his parents or any family. He doesn't see aunts/uncles, cousins etc. I am the complete opposite. 

I'm kinda seeing that I will have to find my own way to cope. I can't see me ever taking my children away, knowing they will hardly ever see daddy. 

[Melbpom]

26 minutes ago, Violetcrumble said:

Amazingly my hubby has agreed that he'd sign whatever he had too allowing me to take our children to Australia and him stay here. That did shock me and I'm not sure he'd actually go through with it. Those were his words, I've never asked he just blurted it out. 

Are you not tempted to take this offer and run with it? If you have a lot of support in Australia then surely that would compensate for lack of contact with Dad?

[Antipodista]

39 minutes ago, Violetcrumble said:

I can't afford to become a citizen and the only thing I get is the option to have a British passport. I already work, pay tax and vote.

Amazingly my hubby has agreed that he'd sign whatever he had too allowing me to take our children to Australia and him stay here. That did shock me and I'm not sure he'd actually go through with it. Those were his words, I've never asked he just blurted it out. 

My hubby isn't close to his parents or any family. He doesn't see aunts/uncles, cousins etc. I am the complete opposite. 

I'm kinda seeing that I will have to find my own way to cope. I can't see me ever taking my children away, knowing they will hardly ever see daddy. 

My gosh. How do you feel about that?

[Antipodista]

39 minutes ago, Violetcrumble said:

I can't afford to become a citizen and the only thing I get is the option to have a British passport. I already work, pay tax and vote.

Amazingly my hubby has agreed that he'd sign whatever he had too allowing me to take our children to Australia and him stay here. That did shock me and I'm not sure he'd actually go through with it. Those were his words, I've never asked he just blurted it out. 

My hubby isn't close to his parents or any family. He doesn't see aunts/uncles, cousins etc. I am the complete opposite. 

I'm kinda seeing that I will have to find my own way to cope. I can't see me ever taking my children away, knowing they will hardly ever see daddy. 

My gosh. How do you feel about that?

[newjez]

3 hours ago, Violetcrumble said:

I can't afford to become a citizen and the only thing I get is the option to have a British passport. I already work, pay tax and vote.

Amazingly my hubby has agreed that he'd sign whatever he had too allowing me to take our children to Australia and him stay here. That did shock me and I'm not sure he'd actually go through with it. Those were his words, I've never asked he just blurted it out. 

My hubby isn't close to his parents or any family. He doesn't see aunts/uncles, cousins etc. I am the complete opposite. 

I'm kinda seeing that I will have to find my own way to cope. I can't see me ever taking my children away, knowing they will hardly ever see daddy. 

Does that not worry you about the strength of your relationship?

I wouldn't even contemplate something like that.

[Quoll]

4 hours ago, Violetcrumble said:

I can't afford to become a citizen and the only thing I get is the option to have a British passport. I already work, pay tax and vote.

Amazingly my hubby has agreed that he'd sign whatever he had too allowing me to take our children to Australia and him stay here. That did shock me and I'm not sure he'd actually go through with it. Those were his words, I've never asked he just blurted it out. 

My hubby isn't close to his parents or any family. He doesn't see aunts/uncles, cousins etc. I am the complete opposite. 

I'm kinda seeing that I will have to find my own way to cope. I can't see me ever taking my children away, knowing they will hardly ever see daddy. 

And you are guaranteed the right to return at any stage with citizenship.  At the moment you are on an Ancestry visa, that may or may not be available should you need it down the track (not available to my DH when we first faced the visa issue because it's a working visa and he wouldn't have been working)  Didnt think it was that expensive to get citizenship.  Not as expensive as getting your DH a spouse visa for Australia anyway.

Golly, bit of a left field thing going on there - he knows he can't cope with being in Australia and is being the bigger person in letting you go because he knows that he couldn't cope with how you are feeling at the moment?  Or what??? 

Still reckon the two of you in marriage guidance counselling is probably going to be your only way to solve this one.

[Quoll]

Can't edit my post but just rereading your original point - if your mum was born in Britain you're a citizen by descent, won't cost you anything except a passport. Worth getting!

[Parley]

1 hour ago, Quoll said:

Can't edit my post but just rereading your original point - if your mum was born in Britain you're a citizen by descent, won't cost you anything except a passport. Worth getting!

Unfortunately that isn't true if born before 1983.

However she can probably register as a citizen. But it might be expensive.

Mothers used to be treated differently to fathers.

Edited January 26, 2019 by Parley

[Violetcrumble]

21 minutes ago, Parley said:

Unfortunately that isn't true if born before 1983.

However she can probably register as a citizen. But it might be expensive.

Mothers used to be treated differently to fathers.

This is exactly my situation, born in 1982 and its my mum who is British. I'm currently on my second Australian passport with the right of abode in it, had to do the application all over again as its not transferable. 

It cost about £800 to become a citizen. 

In all honesty I don't think he meant what he said re giving me permission. I think he just said it in the heat of the moment when he got quite uptight about the whole why he doesn't like Australia.