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Banana707

Moving home alone after 10 years

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3 hours ago, Quoll said:

Go, just go. You’ve given it a long time and no one should be living on antidepressants just to enable them to live in another country, sorry.  It sounds like he’s suddenly realised that you’ve called his bluff, he’s had you stringing along for the last few years, knowing you weren’t happy and all of a sudden that isn’t working for him any more. Tell him you’ll go in April as planned and set things up but if he’s not booked to be with you by the end of June you’ll know he’s not coming. 

I hear the “but then he will be depressed” arguments coming - my own husband said that to me once in one of our discussions (he has since apologised!) - one of you will probably cope better with the exogenous depression than the other and it’s blatantly obvious that if you’ve tried for several years, and needed to resort to medication to get through each and every day, that it’s probably not you. He may do better at being where he doesn’t want to be - or he may be a petulant basket case in which case maybe you might reconsider Australia or cut your losses and move on.

Its bloody hard living where you don’t want to be and it does get you down. If you can reframe your life into “I’m better here with him than there without him” then it’s easier to manage but if you can’t do that then the best thing for you is to reclaim your life and not be tied to someone who doesn’t give a toss if they cause you pain, because waking up every morning in the wrong place is pain for some of us. 

So true. He thinks the UK is my life and here is our life but I keep telling him I'm not happy anymore so how can it be our life.  

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I can’t even begin to comment on the relationship side of things but I would say that April is a beautiful time to come home. It would definitely be no good him coming over in winter for example if he already has a downer on the U.K. Personally we were excited for winter but that’s because we both wanted to be here. Good luck. 

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11 hours ago, Martinbjulieb said:

I can’t even begin to comment on the relationship side of things but I would say that April is a beautiful time to come home. It would definitely be no good him coming over in winter for example if he already has a downer on the U.K. Personally we were excited for winter but that’s because we both wanted to be here. Good luck. 

Thanks. It does seem like a good time to head back and hopefully get some British Summer

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There’s a lot of good advice from the other members, so you need to work through this.

Just a couple of things to consider.

If he stays, forget about the poor lonely guy stuff, just warn him to be on his guard against the females that will no doubt try to rescue him. Not all of them will be altruistic or even single.

If he goes, think about whether he is going to be the person you love if he does dislike being there and always longs to be back here in Australia. It may be difficult to see the person you love if they are depressed despondent or unhappy. Plan to deal with that.

Good luck.

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So he has said he won't go again. 

I don't know what to do. Each time I make a decision he throws it off and now I don't know what to do.

I feel like I can't stay forever but love him to much to leave.

He says he promises to make me happy here.

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1 hour ago, Banana707 said:

So he has said he won't go again. 

I don't know what to do. Each time I make a decision he throws it off and now I don't know what to do.

I feel like I can't stay forever but love him to much to leave.

He says he promises to make me happy here.

This is just going round and round in circles.  Perhaps you could go to counselling together.

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1 hour ago, Banana707 said:

So he has said he won't go again. 

I don't know what to do. Each time I make a decision he throws it off and now I don't know what to do.

I feel like I can't stay forever but love him to much to leave.

He says he promises to make me happy here.

All i will say is he can't make you happy in a country you don't want to be in. 

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Loving life in Gods Country. Woohoo, look at me. 

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4 hours ago, Banana707 said:

So he has said he won't go again. 

I don't know what to do. Each time I make a decision he throws it off and now I don't know what to do.

I feel like I can't stay forever but love him to much to leave.

He says he promises to make me happy here.

I wasn't going to comment on this but I was sort of in your shoes a few years ago. The big difference is that I would have died rather than leave oz without my husband. He hated living in uk but moved there with me when I wanted to go back because he couldn't live without me either. Turns out I was wrong about uk & we are back in oz but that's not the real point of my post. I dont want to be rude but reading what you say & comparing you to me & my husband it sounds like you love each other but you both don't love each other enough. where you live seems to be the most important thing to both of you when being together should be the most important thing ☹️ its very hard & very sad but maybe you just dont belong together & you should just get on with your own life & let him get on with his.

 

 

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4 hours ago, Banana707 said:

So he has said he won't go again. 

I don't know what to do. Each time I make a decision he throws it off and now I don't know what to do.

I feel like I can't stay forever but love him to much to leave.

He says he promises to make me happy here.

If he can make you happy in Australia, why hasn't he managed it up till now?  In fact, he's been such a dismal failure at it, you've had to resort to medication! 

The only way you can stay in Australia is if something changes. You need to identify what that "something" is - and then ask yourself why it hasn't happened over the last three years.

If you've been so unhappy you've needed medical help, then he must know how badly this is affecting you, and therefore he should've been making an effort all this time.  If he's proposing to make some kind of special effort now, then it's only going to be something temporary.  You've given in before, he just needs to keep finding ways to delay your decision - he can keep you around for years that way.

Does that really sound like a loving partner?  He's beginning to sound manipulative and selfish.

Edited by Marisawright
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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Sounds like someone who’s too much into controlling to me. 

Do you really love someone who wants to control your movements? If you have exogenous depression (and it is a very real beast) there is only one solution (as the medications aren’t really working for it) and that is to remove yourself from the situation which is making you unhappy. You’re too young to put yourself in the position of being unhappy for the rest of your life and he’s had a good long time to make you happy but hasn’t managed it where you are. 

The quickest/easiest way to get a band aid off is to rip it - I’d almost be inclined not to talk about it any more, just pack your stuff and go to the airport and take the flight you’ve booked and leave a note beside the milk as you go. 

Edited by Quoll
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4 minutes ago, Quoll said:

Sounds like someone who’s too much into controlling to me. 

Do you really love someone who wants to control your movements? If you have exogenous depression (and it is a very real beast) there is only one solution (as the medications aren’t really working for it) and that is to remove yourself from the situation which is making you unhappy. You’re too young to put yourself in the position of being unhappy for the rest of your life and he’s had a good long time to make you happy but hasn’t managed it where you are. 

The quickest/easiest way to get a band aid off is to rip it - I’d almost be inclined not to talk about it any more, just pack your stuff and go to the airport and take the flight you’ve booked and leave a note beside the milk as you go. 

I knew somebody who did that.  She even left her 2 year old son behind and made a whole new life in the UK.  She was pregnant with their second child too.  She belonged to our mother and toddler group and not once did she say she was unhappy.  We were so shocked but who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

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So I've told him april 9 with or without him. I've also got a job interview set up next week. Time to start looking forward  

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24 minutes ago, Banana707 said:

So I've told him april 9 with or without him. I've also got a job interview set up next week. Time to start looking forward  

Good for you.


Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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1 hour ago, Banana707 said:

So I've told him april 9 with or without him. I've also got a job interview set up next week. Time to start looking forward  

Good for you, it was clear he was stalling for time and was making promises it was impossible to keep. All the best. 


Loving life in Gods Country. Woohoo, look at me. 

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I think reading between the lines your relationship has run it's course - don't transfer your unhappiness onto your partner - it seems that you've both come to a crossroads and want different things.   I don't think delaying things will make things better.  Good luck with your move back

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I just want PIO to be a happy place where people are nice to each other and unicorns poop rainbows

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So flights are booked and notice handed in. Ive told my UK friends but not my aussie ones yet.

Feel terrified and excited!

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21 minutes ago, Banana707 said:

So flights are booked and notice handed in. Ive told my UK friends but not my aussie ones yet.

Feel terrified and excited!

Hope it all works out for you!

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3 hours ago, Banana707 said:

So flights are booked and notice handed in. Ive told my UK friends but not my aussie ones yet.

Feel terrified and excited!

Don't be terrified, you will be fine. It's very exciting being 'home'. 


Loving life in Gods Country. Woohoo, look at me. 

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@Banana707 how have things been since returning to the UK? Have you found a job and what has it felt like being home after all those years in Oz? 

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On ‎04‎/‎02‎/‎2018 at 22:18, Banana707 said:

I've told my partner, he cried but understands and things are being really friendly however inside I'm broken hearted and just want to beg him to come with me.

Any advice?

My advice as always is if you have the money to get out of that place, then do it. 

If he doesn't want to go it means he loves Australia and his big house more than you.

Big houses mean absolutely nothing if you are stuck far away in a foreign country on the other side of the world without friends and family.

Family are everything. 

Without them, life is meaningless and empty.  

None of us ever really belong down there anyway, we are all foreigners,  even if we have a few Aussie pals, we never totally fit in. 

Don't be one of those poms who grin and bear it telling themselves that it will work out, when it clearly isn't . 

Life is short and if you want to be home, then do it.  

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59 minutes ago, Home and Happy said:

My advice as always is if you have the money to get out of that place, then do it. 

If he doesn't want to go it means he loves Australia and his big house more than you.

Big houses mean absolutely nothing if you are stuck far away in a foreign country on the other side of the world without friends and family.

Family are everything. 

Without them, life is meaningless and empty.  

None of us ever really belong down there anyway, we are all foreigners,  even if we have a few Aussie pals, we never totally fit in. 

Don't be one of those poms who grin and bear it telling themselves that it will work out, when it clearly isn't . 

Life is short and if you want to be home, then do it.  

I feel I belong here.  I've never felt isolated or lonely either.  Heavens above if everyone thought the same as you half the world would have remained undiscovered centuries ago.  Some people should never leave home - they will always feel unsettled and homesick.  I do agree with not sticking it out here if you are miserable though.  That leads to all sorts of mental health problems.  Best to call it a day and go.  As you said above - life is short and if you want to be home - just do it.

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2 hours ago, Home and Happy said:

My advice as always is if you have the money to get out of that place, then do it. 

If he doesn't want to go it means he loves Australia and his big house more than you.

Big houses mean absolutely nothing if you are stuck far away in a foreign country on the other side of the world without friends and family.

Family are everything. 

Without them, life is meaningless and empty.  

None of us ever really belong down there anyway, we are all foreigners,  even if we have a few Aussie pals, we never totally fit in. 

Don't be one of those poms who grin and bear it telling themselves that it will work out, when it clearly isn't . 

Life is short and if you want to be home, then do it.  

You are an example of someone who honestly should never have left ‘home’ in the first place.  People who consider emigrating should really consider carefully if they are heavily dependent on their family and friends for their happiness and wellbeing.

I have been here in Queensland less than 3 years and, despite living only in SE England for the first 54 years of my life, have fitted in here really easily.  Looking back now I know I had gone stale in England and complacent.  Australia was a start over and I knew I had to make an effort.  I did, and it has done me good to do so.  The people here are so welcoming and Australia has exceeded my wildest expectations.

I mix with a lot of locals and a number of expats through various shared interests.  In the main I much prefer the company of the locals and I wouldn’t be that bothered if there were no expats here at all.  And I still support the English teams.

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Timeline: 309/100 Sent 7/8/13, Money Taken 9/8/13, CO appointed 3/9/13. Med 3/12/13. Police check 4/12/13. VISA GRANTED 8/4/14, Subclass100. Recce August 2014. Arrived 30 July 2015.

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2 hours ago, Home and Happy said:

My advice as always is if you have the money to get out of that place, then do it. 

If he doesn't want to go it means he loves Australia and his big house more than you.

Big houses mean absolutely nothing if you are stuck far away in a foreign country on the other side of the world without friends and family.

Family are everything. 

Without them, life is meaningless and empty.  

None of us ever really belong down there anyway, we are all foreigners,  even if we have a few Aussie pals, we never totally fit in. 

Don't be one of those poms who grin and bear it telling themselves that it will work out, when it clearly isn't . 

Life is short and if you want to be home, then do it.  

 

Perhaps I’m just odd but my family is my husband. I have other extended family but my husband is the one I have chosen to do life with. Without him my life would be meaningless and empty. He is my home.

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