Just 4 weeks and we are ready (ish) to head home

[Toots]

7 minutes ago, Maybe said:

Hi 

Reading w interest posts about returning to the uk - we have just arrived - but stupidly I feel it is a big mistake - I am thinking of returning to the UK within year - did anyone else feel it was a mistake from early on  - and would they advice to stay on see it through - or return back as soon as possible ( see it as a year out) I am thinking the latter my children are 9, 12 & 14 ...??

 

 

 

 

 

How do your husband and children feel?  If you are all in agreement just head back.  Where are you in Australia?  

[Guest]

49 minutes ago, Maybe said:

Hi 

Reading w interest posts about returning to the uk - we have just arrived - but stupidly I feel it is a big mistake - I am thinking of returning to the UK within year - did anyone else feel it was a mistake from early on  - and would they advice to stay on see it through - or return back as soon as possible ( see it as a year out) I am thinking the latter my children are 9, 12 & 14 ...??

In what way a mistake? I ask as there are often the settling in teething woes to get through and its not all a bed of roses from the off. Plus the cultural differences and other things. It can be rather a lot to cope with and take in for the first few months. There is also the house and job hunting, getting to know the area, people and so on. On top of that its a new school system to get used to, work out and allow time for the kids to find their feet a bit.

I felt comfortable from the off in that I didn't think we'd made a mistake but it did take me a while to get used to the differences, find my way round, get over jet lag, settle son into school and start to feel like I was sort of getting the hang of it all. 

If you are all really unhappy and are truly wanting to return, then go asap I think. But if its things you could perhaps give some time, see if you can find your feet and so on, consider doing so. 

 

 

[Quoll]

2 hours ago, Maybe said:

Hi 

Reading w interest posts about returning to the uk - we have just arrived - but stupidly I feel it is a big mistake - I am thinking of returning to the UK within year - did anyone else feel it was a mistake from early on  - and would they advice to stay on see it through - or return back as soon as possible ( see it as a year out) I am thinking the latter my children are 9, 12 & 14 ...??

 

 

 

 

 

Your kids are at that age where your eldest needs to get started on GCSEs so either you commit for the next 10 to 15 years (by which time your youngest will be done with Uni) or you try and retrieve what you had and do that quickly. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be for them to slot back into the U.K. system without disadvantage. The longer you leave it the less chance you have of leaving as they become more enmeshed with Australia through work and relationships.

However, the usual advice is to give it a couple of years - but then, the question would be, why is it important for you to settle in Australia? Or, indeed is it important at all that you should? 

If you are the only one questioning the move then you might have trouble from the rest of the family if you try and move them on. Difficult decision but if you’re all in agreement now then cut and run. It’s just another first world country.

[Skani]

3 hours ago, Maybe said:

we have just arrived - but stupidly I feel it is a big mistake -

 

"Just arrived"?   Do you mean 2 days ago.....or 4 months ago?    A time frame would help us understand your situation.

[Guest]

@Maybe What Skani said also is important. Are we talking days, weeks or a few months? 

[Maybe]

1 months - but it feels so wrong...waking up in the middle of the night feeling so far away thinking of street lights ... we moved from

a big city to Sunshine Coast - it is so beautiful / just what we thought - ... but so far away w such great distances driving everywhere -  I knew this - but now it just feels so very wrong - I've been trying to hide it from the children - but they are homesick too - apart youngest one - think I left it too late ... question now is rerun asap

or accept mistake and do the most ...??  

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Maybe said:

1 months - but it feels so wrong...waking up in the middle of the night feeling so far away thinking of street lights ... we moved from

a big city to Sunshine Coast - it is so beautiful / just what we thought - ... but so far away w such great distances driving everywhere -  I knew this - but now it just feels so very wrong - I've been trying to hide it from the children - but they are homesick too - apart youngest one - think I left it too late ... question now is rerun asap

or accept mistake and do the most ...??  

You are probably realising what many migrants realise after actually moving to Australia. It's a big place and it's nothing like the UK in terms of travelling around. Far from it. Also the area you picked is probably so very different that you are all having culture shock. Going from big city to something far removed is a big ask for most people. Kids maybe more so. 

Part of me thinks you got it rather wrong on area in terms of what is realistic for ykou all. However, only a month in with kids of an older age who may be digging their heels in in the determined to not like it much camp/homesick for what they knew isn't long. 12 and 14 are awkward ages to make a move like this. However, I do know people with kids a similar age who moved over and who are now a fair few years in and as happy as anything, despite the initial bumps in the path. Really comes down to you and your family and what you are wanting from it all. 

Tbh I can see you may well end up cutting your losses and heading back sooner rather than later by the sounds of it. Shame as you haven't given it much of a chance and are still in that very early finding feet stage where lots of things are going to feel weird, different and perhaps out of your comfort zone. However, working through things or heading back is entirely down to the people living it. Some are ready and able to cope with what migration throws at them, others find they don't have that ability or desire and would prefer to be elsewhere or back where they came from. 

[Maybe]

Thanks for your kind reply. I definitely feel so stupid - though it felt this was carefully thought through it obviously wasn't. I even planned thought there would be some reaction/ stress/ depression upon arrival and thought it is something that would be pretty normal need to work through - though did not excpect feeling like this. I think my plan is to go back to original reasons for moving and review in a couple of months time ( 3 ?) returning immediately in this state of mind ( half depressed, feeling guilty, stupid) may be too rushed ....

 

 

 

[Gbye grey sky]

12 minutes ago, Maybe said:

Thanks for your kind reply. I definitely feel so stupid - though it felt this was carefully thought through it obviously wasn't. I even planned thought there would be some reaction/ stress/ depression upon arrival and thought it is something that would be pretty normal need to work through - though did not excpect feeling like this. I think my plan is to go back to original reasons for moving and review in a couple of months time ( 3 ?) returning immediately in this state of mind ( half depressed, feeling guilty, stupid) may be too rushed ....

 

 

 

My view is that emigrating to the other side of the world is tough unless both parents are fully and enthusiastically committed to it.

Your telling statement was that you anticipated stress/depression on arrival which is a major worry and suggests that you were anticipating downsides rather than excited about challenges to overcome.

Personally my wife and I were focussed on all the practical elements only when we arrived in 2015.  Positivity was a given especially as our 11 year old was leaving friends behind and harboured doubts.  She was left in no doubt that this was a one way ticket so make the best of it.  She slotted in well here and loves her school, friends and interests here.  If you anticipate stress or depression then you will get it for sure.

Whilst what you are saying is logical in my view unless you are able to alter your mindset to the move it is unlikely that you or the kids will feel any better about it in 2-3 months time.

[ramot]

I genuinely think 1 month is a bit soon to cut your losses. Whereabouts are you on the Sunshine Coast? I am much older and have lived here for 15 years, it is a lovely place, but very hot at the moment which probably doesn't help.

I have moved lots, stopped counting after 17 moves so really  understand that to start with everything is so unfamiliar, you don't know the area, probably hardly know anyone and it is very daunting. Add children to the mix who might be struggling and it's even harder. The first time you recognise a face when you go shopping is a real break through.

Try to stay positive, remember why you came, try to join a group that interests you, enroll the children in something. Smile at everyone, sounds funny but it helps. 

So if possible give it a bit more time, and if it really isn't right for you and your family, then accept it was a mistake and move back, you won't be the first.

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

Don’t feel stupid. Migrating is bloody tough. Especially those early months. You can really feel like a fish out of water, every little difference is magnified and emotions run high. You perhaps crave familiar and what you knew but are not going to have that, you moved the other side of the world. If you really want to give it a bit of time to see if you can begin to find your feet and feel differently about your new home, do it. 

You are also absorbing and shoudering your kids woes with the move and that can have a huge impact on how you feel. Had your kids perhaps been happier and giving it all a good go without too much issue, not missing what they left too badly and enjoying and embracing the new adventure, you may well not be beating yourself up so badly about these early days and second guessing everything. If they are struggling or not liking it then you will struggle. If they are not really keen on giving it a chance or are swept up in homesickness of some sort, it can also be tough. 

Sometimes you just need to take a few breaths, take a bit of time and let go of the worry and stress for a while and try to take stock of the here and now, not what you left etc. Comparing also isn’t something that helps anything as it of course is going to be different and much unexpected.

Go explore, do a few new things, see if you can find something in it on its own merits, not compared to what you were expecting IYKWIM. Hopefully find something to enjoy and perhaps help things a bit.

[Maybe]

Thanks - helps to hear your views. I think it all makes sense - my children are usually happy go lucky and we're excited about the move - think their homesickness ( normal I guess)  is impacting on me and mine ( though try to hide) on them. Think it's time for me to step out of it, be an adult and lead the way, wherever it will take us, more confidently. Thanks again, it has helped talking through/ thinking though this here. 

[Guest]

Dropped you a PM also  

And yes, homesickness in the early days can be normal. There is no right or wrong. If the kids were keen and happy about the move, give them a bit of time to find their feet. It doesn’t just happen overnight and everyone is then instantly happy. 

I used to try to find different things to do after school once on twice a week in the early months. Be it hitting the beach for an hour and taking a packed tea or a bike ride to explore. Go wildlife spotting. It’s all new and amazing to see. Going out for a cheap bite to eat trying something new for kids (sushi was a huge hit in our house for this and these days I make my own too ). Or trying to encourage friendships, play dates (younger kids). Also if they want to try some sports then after school clubs or ones outside school can be great. My son has had swimming lessons since he was 3 (we moved here when he was 5) and last year aged 9, took up diving and is loving it. Off the 3 m springboard and 5 m platform already and made a new friend in the process. He’d never have tried diving in the UK as we lived so far from a diving pool. Here in our city in Aus we have 2! It’s been brilliant for him to find a sport a bit outside the usual ones  We still do cricket, Aus rules, cycling and other things too. 

[Quoll]

After a month you wouldn’t be the first to call it quits and return. One family I knew personally lasted about 3 weeks before returning and were glad that they did with a change of direction and just a bit of regret that they hemorrhaged money in those few weeks.

Must say that I didn’t have those feelings to begin with - just treated it like the adventure it was. Your difficulty will be moving back with an older kid though and missing the educational boat.

[tea4too]

3 hours ago, Maybe said:

Thanks for your kind reply. I definitely feel so stupid - though it felt this was carefully thought through it obviously wasn't. I even planned thought there would be some reaction/ stress/ depression upon arrival and thought it is something that would be pretty normal need to work through - though did not excpect feeling like this. I think my plan is to go back to original reasons for moving and review in a couple of months time ( 3 ?) returning immediately in this state of mind ( half depressed, feeling guilty, stupid) may be too rushed ....

 

 

 

You are not stupid, you are responding to how you feel – and emotions can be unpredictable. You took a huge gamble that life would be better in Aus and it’s only natural to feel anxious if life is not obviously better in the beginning, and even scarier if it actually feels worse. That doesn’t mean you will always feel this way however the next step is probably deciding how long you give it, and what you will do in the meantime to give yourselves a better chance of settling.

I would just add that no amount of planning can replace first hand experience. On our first trip to Aus I fully expected to be caught up by a desire to move there, but it didn’t happen for us. It was a great holiday and we have been back several times but home for us is here in Wales. I hope you find what you need to feel settled, be that in Aus or the UK, but in the meantime try not to beat yourself up over how you feel.  T x

[Marisawright]

14 hours ago, Maybe said:

Thanks - helps to hear your views. I think it all makes sense - my children are usually happy go lucky and we're excited about the move - think their homesickness ( normal I guess)  is impacting on me and mine ( though try to hide) on them. 

Reading your posts, you've never mentioned your partner?

This may not apply to you, but there is one scenario we see a lot on these forums.  A husband (or wife) has a dream to go to Australia, and the wife (or husband) supports the idea because they want to make their partner happy.  In fact, they're so focussed on achieving the dream for their partner, they squash down any misgivings they have, and refuse to admit they'd much rather stay close to friends and family if the choice was theirs.   It 's not until they arrive in Australia, and the misgivings become reality, that they can no longer be denied.

I'm hoping that doesn't apply to you, because the fact is that if you weren't 100% keen on the idea of moving to Australia for yourself, not to please your partner, then it's likely your feelings of unhappiness will never go away, and will eventually turn into resentment against him for dragging you halfway round the world to live in the middle of nowhere.  In that case, I'd be seriously considering a quick move back to the UK before it starts to affect your marriage

If that's not you, and Australia was your dream too, then I think you're right about writing down all the reasons why you wanted to move to Australia, to remind yourself that your dream is worth going through a rough period for.  It might also be worth considering whether a move to a bigger town might satisfy those reasons just as well, and make you feel less isolated?   

Edited February 15, 2018 by Marisawright

[Martinbjulieb]

On 14/02/2018 at 03:21, Toots said:

Reading w interest posts about returning to the uk - we have just arrived - but stupidly I feel it is a big mistake - I am thinking of returning to the UK within year - did anyone else feel it was a mistake from early on  - and would they advice to stay on see it through - or return back as soon as possible ( see it as a year out) I am thinking the latter my children are 9, 12 & 14 ...??

 

Generally people are in “holiday mode” for the first year, out enjoying all the sights, places, weather and just being somewhere different. Even if you are working everything should seem new and exciting! Homesickness comes later if at all. It did for us but only after about 6 years, and it took us another 4 to make the decision to move home. If you feel this way now I am not sure you will ever settle. This is, of course just my opinion and how it was for us. Good luck with your decision whatever it is. 

[Maybe]

Thanks for your inputs. Still feeling sad, confused and in two minds & your right moving to a new country should not feel this heavy. I guess my reasons changed throughout the application process which took  a long time, in the sense that when I started to apply for VISA life in the UK was tough and stressful and by the time visa came through life was soo much better (actually really good) in so many ways, yet the excitement of getting the VISA proceeding with the plan we've had for a few years - moving as planned. Nothing is wrong with the situation and in fact Australia is all that we expected - however feels so  wrong... My eldest is homesick ... I believe I left it too late, and that the family will be split up across continents in only a few years  if we stay. I've spoken to my husband, we will review the situation in three  months. I may suffer from reactive depression, it is probably unwise to make decisions while still feeling unwell. Things are getting a little easier though - can't believe I'm writing this - feel kind of spoiled and greedy for maybe moving when there was no need to............ 

[ali]

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor/psychologist - one of the best treatments for depression is talking therapy - allows you to voice and explore your options and fears and look at ways of overcoming them.  If you're feeling depressed this will be adding to your burden and you're very wise not to make major decisions whilst feeling this way.

I think being British we generally don't expect there to be a culture shock moving to Aus - but I find it far more similar to the US than the UK 

[Maybe]

Yes  I have considered it - might do if this continues... thanks 

[Marisawright]

59 minutes ago, Maybe said:

Yes  I have considered it - might do if this continues... thanks 

Actually, I think you should seek counselling right now - don't wait to see if it gets better or worse.  You need to pour all this out to someone who's impartial.  Posting on this forum is better than nothing, but I think you'd find it a big help to talk to someone face to face - even if you don't expect it to solve anything.

[bristolman]

1 hour ago, ali said:

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor/psychologist - one of the best treatments for depression is talking therapy - allows you to voice and explore your options and fears and look at ways of overcoming them.  If you're feeling depressed this will be adding to your burden and you're very wise not to make major decisions whilst feeling this way.

I think being British we generally don't expect there to be a culture shock moving to Aus - but I find it far more similar to the US than the UK 

I have said this myself, I consider Australia to be 75% American and 25% British but you are right, I'm sure most people think it's the UK with more sun. 

[Gbye grey sky]

12 minutes ago, bristolman said:

I have said this myself, I consider Australia to be 75% American and 25% British but you are right, I'm sure most people think it's the UK with more sun. 

What, zero percent Australian?  And in addition to their own unique cultural identity Australians have many other influences too from Europe and Asia.

And are British people then 100% British in your view with no American influence?

[bristolman]

17 minutes ago, Gbye grey sky said:

What, zero percent Australian?  And in addition to their own unique cultural identity Australians have many other influences too from Europe and Asia.

And are British people then 100% British in your view with no American influence?

I'm not really too interested in getting involved in a debate about my opinion as it is just that, my opinion. 

[ali]

18 minutes ago, Gbye grey sky said:

What, zero percent Australian?  And in addition to their own unique cultural identity Australians have many other influences too from Europe and Asia.

And are British people then 100% British in your view with no American influence?

I think for me (as I made the comparison to the US), it's not people but just the feel of it, the roads, suburbs etc.,