excitedbutterrified Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Warning, Mother in law post! My wife is fuming with her mum. I'm not angry but a little annoyed. All this annoyance is in secret, MIL is oblivious and thinks everything is fine. Here is the situation. When we were planning to move to oz, MIL offered to come out with us to help with the kids on the plane and do childcare at this end for the first month. She badgered me for weeks to book the flights early so she could get the best price (she was then planning to pay for her own ticket.) In booking the flights, my new employer was paying for me, wife, kids to fly one way, they also offered to book mother in laws return ticket, and allow me to pay for the extra ticket out of my salary over a couple of months. I agreed to this and paid. After it was all booked, MIL then said she had changed her mind and didn't want to pay for it as she was going to be doing so much childcare. We said fine (to avoid a fight). However childcare wise, we haven't needed her, we secured day care places in advance of arrival, and have hired a nanny for the non-day care days. She will have done the sum total of about 2 days childcare, and a few hours on evenings. She has done some clothes washing etc.. but not huge amounts. At the same time, we have fed her, taken out for day trips, weekends away etc... She has essentially had a 1 month holiday for free! Now its a few days until she leaves, and she told us that she is planning to pay to have her economy ticket upgraded to business class. Wife is adamant she should be making some kind of contribution towards the flight we paid for her before paying for an upgrade. Are we right to be pissed off about this? Not sure if we should bring it up with her, or just shut up to avoid ruining the last few days of her stay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 It was you that wanted her out there for your first month and you agreed to pay for her ticket. Not her fault you sorted out child care and got nannies. I would never take money off a visiting relative, the advantage of visiting relatives is keeping costs down, so I wouldn't begrudge anyone that. But she could have done some shopping (e.g. restock the bread, milk, teabags etc.) and I think she could have paid her way on trips where her presence caused you incremental costs. She could have been a better house guest. But me no, I would not ruin the holiday and indeed tarnish a relationship by bringing this up with her. She might be struggling with you all moving away anyway and seeing as you presumably asked her to go and she has done some babysitting she might genuinely feel she did her part of the deal. She might feel like you wanted her out there and were prepared to pay for it, why shatter that illusion. Hold your tongues and chalk it down to experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
srh82 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 If she wants to pay to upgrade on the way home it is up to her surely? Let it go if I was you and your wife. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Agreed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 If she is paying for the upgrade herself - well that's fine. Best to stay on good terms. As Bungo said, you arranged childcare and nannies so you can't blame her for not having much to do whilst she was staying with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 We had a similar one where we offered to pay for my mums flights we found a good deal, she then told us she wanted first class, I was, like yourself, very angry as we could not afford this. In the end I said I will pay you the money for the ticket we were going to buy and you can book whichever ticket you want and pay the balance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 We paid for our MIL tickets but she only came out the once and will not come again, we also pay (shared with my Brother) for my parents to come out about 6 times now. they just do whatever once they are here just like a normal family unit, no pressure no assumptions, no pre requirements and no commitments, they cook, wash, clean, shop etc. as much as we/they would normally, but drink more!! My parents would, if they feel like or physically able to come again, due to their ages prefer business class they would however they have said pay for the upgrade themselves. In your case just let it blow over, you will get over the financial side of things soon enough, and you have saved heaps with the company paying your fares anyhow. There will be long times inbetween seeing each other, so you would want these times to be happy and without any underlying ill feelings. Best wishes mate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainR Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Life is too short to get stressed and cause any family anguish over this, you'll have all forgotten about it before long. You did invite her after all. Anyone action other then just letting it go will probably have an unfavourable outcome, however right or wrong you are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumpingjellybean Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 At the same time, we have fed her, taken out for day trips, weekends away etc... She has essentially had a 1 month holiday for free! You make it sound like a business deal! After all reversed: she fed your wife, took her out for day trips, weekends away etc....throughout your wife's childhood and adolescence. You said that "childcare wise, we haven't needed her, we secured day care places in advance of arrival, and have hired a nanny for the non-day care days" But why did you do that? If she had already offered to (uproot her life) and help you out for the first month. I would say her offer to help you out in the first place was bloody generous and you are very lucky to have such a considerate MIL. It is not her fault you then decided to use other forms of childcare. If I were you I would just shut up and "gift" it to her. You seriously do not want to offend her or break the relationship down over something so minor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 You make it sound like a business deal! After all reversed: she fed your wife, took her out for day trips, weekends away etc....throughout your wife's childhood and adolescence. You said that "childcare wise, we haven't needed her, we secured day care places in advance of arrival, and have hired a nanny for the non-day care days" But why did you do that? If she had already offered to (uproot her life) and help you out for the first month. I would say her offer to help you out in the first place was bloody generous and you are very lucky to have such a considerate MIL. It is not her fault you then decided to use other forms of childcare. If I were you I would just shut up and "gift" it to her. You seriously do not want to offend her or break the relationship down over something so minor. Well said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 (edited) Sorry but we paid for my MIL to come out to visit us just so we could spoil her and she could see her Grandson who wed taken away from her. How lovely that she has been able to see where you are staying an be able to see her Grandchildren settle. Edited August 6, 2015 by Que Sera, Sera Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
excitedbutterrified Posted August 6, 2015 Author Share Posted August 6, 2015 Fair one, Maybe we are being over sensitive! Its a very highly strung situation all living together under one roof! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Yeh you're right to be pissed off. You are new arrivals though and you will get used to people visiting and thinking they're on holiday and expect a taxi service, free food and beer and entertainment thrown in. It's great to have people visit but it's just as great to see them leave.:wink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Yeh you're right to be pissed off. You are new arrivals though and you will get used to people visiting and thinking they're on holiday and expect a taxi service, free food and beer and entertainment thrown in. It's great to have people visit but it's just as great to see them leave.:wink: Coming over next month Paul we will only have a carry on to keep our costs down, what size clothes are you and the misses? we will have own tooth brush! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xxlornaxx Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Why did u get childcare when the arrangement was she would do it? Could she have felt hurt n put out by that?..n decided not to say anything to kp the peace? Like ppl have said it's not her fault arrangements changed once she was there..unless she said she no longer wanted to care for children? If she flew home n u never seen her again would u regret not challenging her on this or would u be glad u all left on good terms? I can't c the issue n think maybe once she has gone and u r all settled it will seem less important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Just leave it- don't say a thing. It is often a difficult relationship at the best of times- just be glad she doesn't live up the street and make the most of her visit because it may be a long time before she is able to come again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
excitedbutterrified Posted August 6, 2015 Author Share Posted August 6, 2015 Why did u get childcare when the arrangement was she would do it? Could she have felt hurt n put out by that?..n decided not to say anything to kp the peace? Like ppl have said it's not her fault arrangements changed once she was there..unless she said she no longer wanted to care for children? If she flew home n u never seen her again would u regret not challenging her on this or would u be glad u all left on good terms? I can't c the issue n think maybe once she has gone and u r all settled it will seem less important. The childcare thing was a disaster. We had planned to have an Au-Pair start with us as soon as we arrived / started work, but we weren't very good at recruiting one! My MIL was going to show her/him the ropes, and try to get her settled in gently, as looking after 2 kids can be a real struggle! In the end, we couldn't get an Au=pair in time, so we hired a nanny, who was very experienced, and didn't need any help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blossom Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 The childcare thing was a disaster. We had planned to have an Au-Pair start with us as soon as we arrived / started work, but we weren't very good at recruiting one! My MIL was going to show her/him the ropes, and try to get her settled in gently, as looking after 2 kids can be a real struggle! In the end, we couldn't get an Au=pair in time, so we hired a nanny, who was very experienced, and didn't need any help. But that's not your mother in laws fault. She was here to do her part of the deal. As others have said, she maybe wasn't the best guest, but I wouldn't be angry at her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumpingjellybean Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Fair one, Maybe we are being over sensitive! To be perfectly honest, when I first read your post I immediately thought.......... what a self entitled %#%# And MIL jokes aside. You are whingeing about what many parents would give their right arm for (i.e.) trusted, safe, loving, FREE, childcare. But since you arranged other childcare - at the VERY least you could give MIL a free holiday instead (especially since your employer paid for the entire family's flights - most generous in anyone's books) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LKC Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Fair one, Maybe we are being over sensitive! Its a very highly strung situation all living together under one roof! I think that you have hit the nail on the head here. It is stressful when you are sharing your home with others, probably more so when you have just made a massive leap into the unknown. I know that the first three or so times that OH's parents came to stay with us were extremely stressful. It is fine now they have been a few times, we all know how to fit our lives together without upset. Add to that your mil has probably feeling like a bit of a spare part - remember that she was coming over to help you, but wasn't really needed in the event. Also, whilst this is a major life changing thing for you, it really is just a holiday for your mil. I would bite my tongue if I were in your shoes. It isn't worth falling out over, particularly when there are so many miles between you when she goes home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Fair one, Maybe we are being over sensitive! Its a very highly strung situation all living together under one roof! It is great having house guests, but it is hard too as most of us are not used to another adult living under the same roof. But keep on biting those lips. Objectively I can't see that she has done anything wrong. Once you have offered or agreed to pay for something, I really don't think you can go back on that. And certainly not because you made some different arrangements. As adults, it is not unusual to do something for parents, many of us are happy to. When we had been here for 18 months we suggested my inlaws meet up with us half way round the world for a joint holiday and we would pay for all the hotels. Thee is nothing on earth that would have made me turn around and ask them (or guilt them) into paying us back once we had made that offer. Some parents get very upset when a move is announced and some will pile guilt on. She offered to come and help you settle, credit where credit is due. This is probably very hard on her and the economy flight can be very draining on an older person. Cut her some slack and let her enjoy her trip home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roborac Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Oh how sad all these posts are making me feel. we had lots of visits from my mother father and disabled sister over the years we have been here, we enjoyed their company as did our daughters, then years later their children enjoying meeting their great grand parents and aunt coming over from the UK It was never a case of what they could do for us when they were here but what we could do for them One by one they have passed away and we all miss them so much, guess we were lucky with lovely relations , eh ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Oh how sad all these posts are making me feel. we had lots of visits from my mother father and disabled sister over the years we have been here, we enjoyed their company as did our daughters, then years later their children enjoying meeting their great grand parents and aunt coming over from the UK It was never a case of what they could do for us when they were here but what we could do for them One by one they have passed away and we all miss them so much, guess we were lucky with lovely relations , eh ? Sorry what "all these posts" are making you feel sad? As far as I can tell, nobody has agreed with the OP. So I hope you do not mean the posts on this thread! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Oh how sad all these posts are making me feel. we had lots of visits from my mother father and disabled sister over the years we have been here, we enjoyed their company as did our daughters, then years later their children enjoying meeting their great grand parents and aunt coming over from the UK It was never a case of what they could do for us when they were here but what we could do for them One by one they have passed away and we all miss them so much, guess we were lucky with lovely relations , eh ? My Mum used to stay with us every 2nd year from November until March. Very happy memories :smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flatpack Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 With the talk of nannys, company's paying for flights and upgrades to business class, it seems your family isn't short of a $ or 2! Life's too short to get angry over a few shillings so swallow it up and get on with your lives. Otherwise MIL might have you both written out of the will and that'll cost you more that a holiday for her in Oz :') Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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