thelaurakate Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Hi All, I have spent the last few months driving myself crazy thinking and planning my move bk to the uk. I just returned from a 3 week visit though and now my mind has been changed. I nearly packed it all in and wasn't even going to get my residency! Yes I had a great time and I love spending time with my family but you just don't realise how different life is there. The biggest thing for me was just how little I had in common with my friends now everyone is settling down and having kids. No body even really asked about my life here actually. Ive come back and realised just how lucky we are to be in oz. Although I have no family here my friends are friends out of choice with the same passion and goals and experiences - not just because we used to go to school together, or grew up in the same place. TBH I feel its harder now as I don't want to live my life so far away from all my family. I cant afford the flights every year- and also it means I never get to have an actualy holiday as all my holiday time is used up. I think for now il continue with PR app- if I can stay for my passport for another year or so then that would be ideal. Kind of strange knowing I wont ever really feel complete anywhere... almost wish I hadn't come away and I wouldn't know any better! Just my personal experience- its nice to know im not alone in this feeling though. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Hi All, I have spent the last few months driving myself crazy thinking and planning my move bk to the uk. I just returned from a 3 week visit though and now my mind has been changed. I nearly packed it all in and wasn't even going to get my residency! Yes I had a great time and I love spending time with my family but you just don't realise how different life is there. The biggest thing for me was just how little I had in common with my friends now everyone is settling down and having kids. No body even really asked about my life here actually. Ive come back and realised just how lucky we are to be in oz. Although I have no family here my friends are friends out of choice with the same passion and goals and experiences - not just because we used to go to school together, or grew up in the same place. TBH I feel its harder now as I don't want to live my life so far away from all my family. I cant afford the flights every year- and also it means I never get to have an actualy holiday as all my holiday time is used up. I think for now il continue with PR app- if I can stay for my passport for another year or so then that would be ideal. Kind of strange knowing I wont ever really feel complete anywhere... almost wish I hadn't come away and I wouldn't know any better! Just my personal experience- its nice to know im not alone in this feeling though. Thanks I can relate to your post. Because I left home at 16, I lost contact with most of my old school friends (except for one who is my very best friend) and although I loved my family dearly and was homesick for a few weeks, I just got on with making new friends and loving the work I was doing. After that moving to other countries to work then migrating to Australia wasn't such a huge trauma. I do enjoy going back to the UK for visits mainly to see my sister and oldest, dearest friends. Great place! I just don't miss it much when I am back here though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 well done, glad you have seen the light. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Once you've moved you can never go back to exactly what you had - everyone moves on but in a different way and the holes we have left in other peoples' lives have healed over often with tough scar tissue. That's what seems to bring some returnees undone - they think that everything will be the same but of course it won't. A move is a move on and if you treat each move as a new adventure then you're much more likely to enjoy it. Moving on is hard work though. Good luck with your life adventure! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I'm glad that the trip back helped you decide for now what you want to do - nothing has to be forever and having more options in the long term is a good plan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toussaint Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Once you've moved you can never go back to exactly what you had - everyone moves on but in a different way and the holes we have left in other peoples' lives have healed over often with tough scar tissue. That's what seems to bring some returnees undone - they think that everything will be the same but of course it won't. A move is a move on and if you treat each move as a new adventure then you're much more likely to enjoy it. Moving on is hard work though. Good luck with your life adventure! The he usual words of wisdom from Quoll! I can relate to this thread, first to the OP, we nearly chucked it after 18 months, back in 2009. We came home for three weeks and I nearly didn't return, so miserable was my first 18 months in OZ. But, by a quirk of fete myself and my daughter got very bad ENT infections and couldn't fly, I not only didn't enjoy my last week of couch surfing and wanted to get "home" to OZ , we decided we we would stay for citizenship and in The ensuing three years life took off for us and we started living the life we were expecting. We came home, UK, again in November / December 12, this time I realised things had moved on too far, and I had been deluding myself in my pining for England, I didn't like it one bit and made up my mind that we would never return to live, and returned to Australia with a new zest. Not long after that the wheels came off, details I can't go into here, one year later we found ourselves back in the same house we had lived in for eighteen years prior to emigrating, and now I am working with the same people I worked with ten to Fifteen years ago! It can be really depressing ( no well meaning advice needed at this juncture thanks), I can fully concur with Quoll, you leave scars, and a lot of resentment, we saw more of family and friends in our two visits home than we have in the eighteen months we have been back, and as for my colleagues still talking the same drivel now that they were 15 years ago, now that is depressing. Once more for good effect ... No advice please! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Mostly when we went back to the UK in the old days we found no one in the family was interested in our lives in Australia. Old friends were, but not family. They really didn't want to hear anything about it so we didn't talk about our lives here much at all. Now we don't visit family in UK anymore- figure they aren't interested in us so why bother? Come to that, not keen on them visiting us over here, either, because it is take, take ,take and no thanks at all. I sound like a bitter old bag now, but it is true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
movingback Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Its interesting because I have found the same. When back for a holiday very few family members asked me about my life in Australia. I don't know why. They just seemed busy with their own lives/children which is fine but you'd think they'd be the least bit curious?? I would be..otherwise we all got along well. It just seemed like my life here was a bit like the elephant in the room. Strange feeling but sounds like I'm not alone.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fish.01 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Its interesting because I have found the same. When back for a holiday very few family members asked me about my life in Australia. I don't know why. They just seemed busy with their own lives/children which is fine but you'd think they'd be the least bit curious?? I would be..otherwise we all got along well. It just seemed like my life here was a bit like the elephant in the room. Strange feeling but sounds like I'm not alone.' Is this sometimes just people's personality though ? Lack of interest ? I am a curious bugger but I have noticed some people just don't have the curious gene at all...you could fly to the moon and they would ask if you wanted a cuppa and then flick on the telly when you got back Maybe it is a narrow outlook thing...only see things in their own life/neighbourhood and other things are foreign and best ignored ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toussaint Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Is this sometimes just people's personality though ? Lack of interest ? I am a curious bugger but I have noticed some people just don't have the curious gene at all...you could fly to the moon and they would ask if you wanted a cuppa and then flick on the telly when you got back Maybe it is a narrow outlook thing...only see things in their own life/neighbourhood and other things are foreign and best ignored ? Im im sure ignorance does come into it, but I believe resenment, rejection and jealousy play a major part. My own brother has ignored all attempts at contact for the last five years, for no good reason I can see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fish.01 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Im im sure ignorance does come into it, but I believe resenment, rejection and jealousy play a major part. My own brother has ignored all attempts at contact for the last five years, for no good reason I can see. Yeah sorry, I should have made it clear I meant in general...you would be fully across your own families reasons by now...must be very frustrating when you just want to share some of your life changing experiences with your family without the baggage... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Im im sure ignorance does come into it, but I believe resenment, rejection and jealousy play a major part. My own brother has ignored all attempts at contact for the last five years, for no good reason I can see. Same with my BIL- total lack of communication with my husband and never returns emails etc. No fight or anything, just a total 'cut off' . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunbury61 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Same with my BIL- total lack of communication with my husband and never returns emails etc. No fight or anything, just a total 'cut off' . I can only add to your thread .....we have had 20 years of carrying the load here in the u.k ....i decided a long time ago when mom passes away ,I will be cutting all ties with the family in Australia...its a conscious and planned decision ...a clean break . If will give my little family here a chance to move on ....i have the other side of the coin ,when family visit from Australia .....the selfishness and downright arrogance is beyond me . Its like going for a meal ,and you end up cooking it,paying for it ,and doing the washing up I bite my lip for the time being I don't understand your BIL situation ,it might be a bit of the above ,or maybe he just isn't interested..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Its interesting because I have found the same. When back for a holiday very few family members asked me about my life in Australia. I don't know why. They just seemed busy with their own lives/children which is fine but you'd think they'd be the least bit curious?? I would be..otherwise we all got along well. It just seemed like my life here was a bit like the elephant in the room. Strange feeling but sounds like I'm not alone.' Why would you expect them to talk about your life in Australia? Did you show, perhaps, an equal lack of interest in their lives in UK? Must admit it would never have occurred to me to prate on about my life in Aus when visiting family and friends in UK. With friends we seemed to catch up about our kids and mutual friends, what was good to be doing in the here and now, how well we all were etc but rabbit on about my life in Aus - nah, not really. I guess its a bit like the advice generally given to new migrants - don't bore the host population silly with the "In UK we do x,y,z" or "back home it's done this way" comparisons - similarly the friends and relies couldn't give a toss about your new Queenslander or the myriad trips you take to the beach. I don't think it's lack of curiosity per se just irrelevance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Just to echo Quoll - Most of my family and friends in UK have zero interest in Australia - One said 'I can't imagine why anyone would want to go there'. Fair play, I don't expect anyone to share my interest - and when you are in UK, the world is at your doorstep via cheap flights and travelling...... For many people Oz is just a place which has terrifying fauna, is hot constantly, and where rich people go on their holidays..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 When I go back to Scotland I find the opposite. I am in constant touch with my oldest friends via email but when we meet up again we can talk 'til 2:00 am about what is going on with our lives in our different countries. Same with my sister and SIL in London. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I think it's a coping mechanism, to cope with loved ones moving away, they just cut ties and grieve for them almost like they've died. It's not wrong for them to do that, that's their way of coping. On our recent return it was the opposite everyone wanted a bit of us. So much so in the end we holed ourselves up in a hotel room just to get one day to ourselves. We felt very guilty but it was just all to much for us after 4.5 years of no family to 24/7 wall to wall family. We tried pleasing everyone and ended up pleasing no one. To the OP I'm glad your trip back clarified things, it certainly did for us too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 As to 'prating on' about Australia- never even mentioned it. They didn't ask and we sure as hell weren't going to tell! Friends ,however, were very curious and asked a lot of questions about our lifestyle ( in a nice way, not nosy) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Is this sometimes just people's personality though ? Lack of interest ? I am a curious bugger but I have noticed some people just don't have the curious gene at all...you could fly to the moon and they would ask if you wanted a cuppa and then flick on the telly when you got back Maybe it is a narrow outlook thing...only see things in their own life/neighbourhood and other things are foreign and best ignored ? I generally think that that's how life is lived. We're so wrapped up in the everyday of work, getting kids to school, household routines etc that we just have so little time and energy left for the lives of others. My family in England don't quiz me about our life in Melbourne, probably because it's not so dissimilar to the one we had back there, but also because they're naturally wrapped up in the necessities of working lives, paying the mortgage and getting the kids to school. We're not exotic because we live a very similar life to theirs, only on the other side of the world! When we lived in Queensland, I met a guy from Essex who was hugely affronted that upon returning to Chelmsford for a holiday that no one was in the slightest bit interested in his life in Australia. I remember him disbelievingly saying to me "...and I went into my old local and the regulars were all still there and one of them said 'Alright Kev, haven't seen you for a while, what you been up to?'" When he told them he was living in Australia they asked a few a cursory questions about it before changing the subject to the West Ham game the night before! He was mightily put out, but the truth is, living abroad does not necessarily make you sexier, more sophisticated or more interesting to the folks you left behind! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Why would you expect them to talk about your life in Australia? Did you show, perhaps, an equal lack of interest in their lives in UK? Must admit it would never have occurred to me to prate on about my life in Aus when visiting family and friends in UK. With friends we seemed to catch up about our kids and mutual friends, what was good to be doing in the here and now, how well we all were etc but rabbit on about my life in Aus - nah, not really. I guess its a bit like the advice generally given to new migrants - don't bore the host population silly with the "In UK we do x,y,z" or "back home it's done this way" comparisons - similarly the friends and relies couldn't give a toss about your new Queenslander or the myriad trips you take to the beach. I don't think it's lack of curiosity per se just irrelevance. Couldn't agree more. Blimey it is like some want to be treated like conquering heroes, holding rooms of people spell bound whilst regaling tales of life in Australia! :laugh: I don't recall people ever really asking us about our lives in particular, obviously they would ask how we are, but certainly nobody wanted long stories about life in Australia and to be honest I would have been embarrassed to sit there and talk about myself the whole time anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Couldn't agree more. Blimey it is like some want to be treated like conquering heroes, holding rooms of people spell bound whilst regaling tales of life in Australia! :laugh: I don't recall people ever really asking us about our lives in particular, obviously they would ask how we are, but certainly nobody wanted long stories about life in Australia and to be honest I would have been embarrassed to sit there and talk about myself the whole time anyway. ....with tales of shopping in Colesworths, of BBQing meat in their back garden and wandering vaguely around Bunnings looking for garden lighting. It's not exactly Burke and Willis levels of heroism is it?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 ....with tales of shopping in Colesworths, of BBQing meat in their back garden and wandering vaguely around Bunnings looking for garden lighting. It's not exactly Burke and Willis levels of heroism is it?! Dont knock the Bunnings!!! That takes a truly adventurous spirit! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I equate it to, do I really want to hear about your holiday! Did you have a good time? Great, end of conversation!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peach Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I see someone has been passing around the lemons to suck again.. I think the OPs point was that no one cared to ask about her, her life and how she was doing all too wrapped up in themselves -- and that as result of taking a different path to her friends she found she had little in common with them. Nothing to do with any of the words the usual naysayers have put in her mouth.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Couldn't agree more. Blimey it is like some want to be treated like conquering heroes, holding rooms of people spell bound whilst regaling tales of life in Australia! :laugh: I don't recall people ever really asking us about our lives in particular, obviously they would ask how we are, but certainly nobody wanted long stories about life in Australia and to be honest I would have been embarrassed to sit there and talk about myself the whole time anyway. Don't be ridiculous! I'm talking to close friends not rooms full of people. Oddly enough some of us have friends and rellies who are actually interested in our lives and I am always interested in theirs. It's called communication and genuine interest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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