Jacaranda Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Nice post Johndoe,telling it how it is,which if I were the OP,I'd appreciate a lot more than someone beating around the bush.Of course we're all different but as TPQ stated,at that time she didn't want to listen,and maybe the OP doesn't want to either. If this guys social worker has suggested he visit the OP in Australia,then the guy needs to change social workers.Not very professional imho. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Pathetic simple as!!! Is that in reply to my post Howard?Why pathetic?Its human nature to judge,whether you judge someone as beautiful,ugly,stupid,intelligent and so on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Nice post Johndoe,telling it how it is,which if I were the OP,I'd appreciate a lot more than someone beating around the bush.Of course we're all different but as TPQ stated,at that time she didn't want to listen,and maybe the OP doesn't want to either.If this guys social worker has suggested he visit the OP in Australia,then the guy needs to change social workers.Not very professional imho. I reckon that's bullshlt..............they can't be that hard up to have that calibre of social worker!.............I reckon it's just him gobbing off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Yes I agree Johndoe,he's looking for a new start,and lets hope to god he's not using the OP for it!:eek: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Great reply just what they asked for NOTWhy bother The number of people I've seen on TV who have been sucked in by on-line scams are amazing. Every one of them comes on crying and admits they have been foolish. The more people who get involved in this kind of behaviour are told how foolishly they are behaving, before they do something really stupid, might save a lot of heartache and money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopeful tears Posted May 17, 2015 Author Share Posted May 17, 2015 No this is not a wind up. Thank you for the helpful comments. Yes I know how it looks. We have been in contact and worked through a lot of issues, and he has made a lot of changes in the time I have known him and is continuing to make more. Currently is still using but has said he wants to stop. Yes I know many say this and don't however in light of other changes he has made and the fact that he is quite a motivated person I have seen reason to believe he will. Yes that remains to be seen. Anyway I was merely seeking advice as to how I should proceed regarding meeting him and whether he would ever have hope of coming over here if indeed he manages to continue progressing or in light of his past is there no hope. It does look as though my best bet would be to go over and meet him. For those of you who are unaware, many relationships these days are conducted via social media and when both parties are transparent about what they are doing, its surprising how strong those bonds can be as you have no choice but to communicate to sort out things. Anyway thank you to the ones who answered specifically what I wanted to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fifi69 Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 Well done to you for coming back to your own thread... if you are genuine, then big :hug: for you. I don't believe people CAN'T change.. I think they can. wether your OH, can get in Aus ...I don't know... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 No this is not a wind up. Thank you for the helpful comments. Yes I know how it looks. We have been in contact and worked through a lot of issues, and he has made a lot of changes in the time I have known him and is continuing to make more. Currently is still using but has said he wants to stop. Yes I know many say this and don't however in light of other changes he has made and the fact that he is quite a motivated person I have seen reason to believe he will. Yes that remains to be seen. Anyway I was merely seeking advice as to how I should proceed regarding meeting him and whether he would ever have hope of coming over here if indeed he manages to continue progressing or in light of his past is there no hope. It does look as though my best bet would be to go over and meet him. For those of you who are unaware, many relationships these days are conducted via social media and when both parties are transparent about what they are doing, its surprising how strong those bonds can be as you have no choice but to communicate to sort out things. Anyway thank you to the ones who answered specifically what I wanted to know. I'm glad you found some of the comments/advice helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 Good on you for returning to your thread - especially as I'm guessing much of what was written you probably didn't want to hear! I'm with the others in surmising that with his history his chances of a visa are somewhere between slim and none. Your next hurdle is possibly going to be whether you can get a visa to live in UK if you aren't a UK citizen already yourself! That's not an easy process either if you have no UK ancestry. You can get a 6 month visitors visa but no work or entitlements attached to that. I know about long distance relationships - I had one - and the prospect of heading off to live with someone you'd never met (I had at least met my OH albeit just for an afternoon) on the other side of the world is scary beyond belief. You think you know them because of all the communication but, really, you don't and you will have to be incredibly tough to do it on your own. Just take care of yourself and either it will work out or it won't but be careful! I hope you have a UK support network to fall back on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopeful tears Posted May 17, 2015 Author Share Posted May 17, 2015 Thank you everyone. I have my work cut out for me. Yes I am genuine. I can see a lot of good in this person, the crimes he was convicted for (yes I know I will receive some flak for this being that they were sexual in nature) were minor. And he received a lot of counselling concerning the issues that lead to the offenses. His main problem right now is drugs but he knows its not something he wants to continue doing. He is looking for work, and talking very positively about his future. I know he would like to leave the area he is from one day, but he isn't pinning his hopes on me for that. He has come a long way in the time I have known him and I had my doubts but could see good in him. There has been more progress since my original post and I'm just hoping he continues on this path. I don't like our chances of being together long term, but if you don't try you never know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyHeart Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 Relationships are hard work in the very best circumstances...long distance even harder...throw in a conviction and drug taking and I'm sorry but I think anyone not advising you to steer well clear is irresponsible. The facts are, this man is on a curfew (likely for very good reason) and he still takes drugs and has no intention of stopping one of them. You don't get curfew after a 10 year old conviction unless the crime was a serious sex offence. Offering any encouragement to you that this could work is dangerous. My advice...forget him. Move on. Let him sort his own life out and you continue yours. I can't see anything good coming of a situation like this. The odds are firmly stacked against it. Keep yourself safe and look at the situation objectively if you can. That's not judging, that's advice I'd give to anyone else in such a dilemma. Reality check required. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 Sometimes people are very good at writing convincing and heart -stirring messages where the reality is not at all what is portrayed. I really fear that this may be how it is with this man. I hope it isn't but please, please be careful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shak Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 Please take the advice given here.dont put yourself in danger.i know its hard reading all this,but its for your own good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 Hopeful Tears,have you spoken to family/friends about this relationship?If so whats the consensus of opinions if any?I once read somewhere that if you make a decision,and the majority of people you know oppose it?You've made the wrong decision.Not applicable in ALL cases,but I reckon it would be the majority.Take care of yourself HT,and I hope you find some happiness,where ever that happens to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 Sometimes people are very good at writing convincing and heart -stirring messages where the reality is not at all what is portrayed. Exactly and it's known as grooming...............I fear HT that you are being groomed. The one thing that stands out a mile is that he says he will (eventually) give up the weed. If he had any intention of, or had the least bit of respect for you, he would have done it by now. He's weak and self-centred. Is this the kind of person that you really want to be involved with? Are you not worth better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdad84 Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 I am not asking to be judged concerning my situation, I'm just looking for any information that can help. I am in Australia and in an online relationship with a man from the UK who has a criminal record. His situation is that over 10 years ago he was convicted of sex crimes, went through rehabilitation after a brief time in hospital and has since been in supervised accommodation where he has relative freedom but a curfew. Currently he isn't working and is a drug user which if confirmed will see him go back to hospital permanently. He has been told he is due to be in his own place by the end of this year where he will be unsupervised aside from visits with his case worker. He has told me his social worker said to him he should come over to Australia and see me. We don't want to be in a situation where we meet but can't be together permanently. I don't know for sure that his social worker has said that to him or if it's what he wants me to believe. He is planning on getting work this year, giving up the party type drugs he takes but not stopping smoking weed. I am not currently working, not taking drugs and can get work. We want to be together and from the very basic research I have done it doesn't appear there is a way that can permanently happen. Has anyone out there been in this situation and have they found a way they can be together. I don't know where to start. I'm assuming our situation is hopeless am hoping it isn't. Is it just wishful thinking? Please don't talk to me about the fact that he is unlikely to give up the drugs and reform after so long. I know this has turned into a co-dependent online relationship, and its going to be incredibly challenging. I would prefer him to come to Australia and he is prepared to do what it takes to make that happen. I don't want to be stranded over there if it all goes horribly wrong. I know the odds are against me but I have to ask. We have been talking for over a year and I really don't want to walk away from him any more than he does me. Did you know of his history before you talked to him? Why are you pursuing things with him given he is a sex offender and also a drug addict? You say you know this is co-dependent, is that what you want in a relationship? Do you trust him? Do you see a healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship happening with him? Why aren't you working? Jamie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dxboz Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 Please think very hard about what you are getting yourself into and think very hard about why are you ??? I have worked with drug addicts and they always say they will change but words are cheap as I have learned Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest51810 Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 Please be very careful. If you're going to go ahead with it then please leave at the first sign of danger. Its not so much the drugs that's ringing alarms with me, it's the sex offence. Best of luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KateBennet Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 Read this part: I am not asking to be judged concerning my situation, I'm just looking for any information that can help. I am in Australia and in an online relationship with a man from the UK who has a criminal record. His situation is that over 10 years ago he was convicted of sex crimes, went through rehabilitation after a brief time in hospital and has since been in supervised accommodation where he has relative freedom but a curfew. and understood that: wowowowow!! Stop that! Really people cannot change! Rehabilitation is good, he won't do any harm to you at first...but in some time, when he feels relaxed, all his demons will come out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tea4too Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 Hopeful tears, I understand that you are looking for practical advice, and have perhaps only shared your personal story because the facts are so integral to what happens next. Personally I know very little about the visa process, but based on what you have written I think it might be very difficult for your friend to enter Aus, and depending on your own circumstances you may also find it difficult to visit the UK on anything other than a limited tourist visa. Which would leave you between a rock and a hard place to some extent. But, and forgive me for what I am about to write, if you were my friend or a member of my family, I would be relieved. I would also be asking you whether all the problems and obstacles including the miles between you, were actually the glue that was keeping the relationship going? You know this person by what he tells you and even if he feels he has been relatively truthful, you cannot know whether there is a difference in how he speaks and how he behaves. In truth you will only know that by spending time with him – which brings everything back to your original post. But it is a huge gamble given his history. A gamble I am guessing you are contemplating because of how he makes you feel, and perhaps you think those feelings are enough to see you through. You may be right but just as easily, and perhaps more so given his background, you could be wrong. And the stakes are far too high imo. You haven’t asked for this type of advice, so I understand if you choose to ignore it. But if you were my friend I would be urging you not to settle for a relationship that has the real potential to bring you more pain than joy. Perhaps consider whether you need to give yourself a chance to be happy, before trusting someone else to make you happy. Whatever you decide, I hope life is kind to you. T x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopeful tears Posted May 20, 2015 Author Share Posted May 20, 2015 Thanks everyone for your advice and warnings. We have time. Nothing is going to happen in a hurry anyway. Just wanted to say I appreciate everyone's input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jac2011 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 HT, as others have said it looks unlikely he would get a visa. On top of his history you also have the major problem of overcoming the health side, which comes into play for someone who has been an inpatient in a forensic unit (apologies if he has not). Can I just state that I work with sex offenders each day, many who have done serious crimes. Not one is on a curfew. I would be concerned whether he is lying to you about his past based on that alone. Is it possible to ask for a copy of his police records? There are 2 types that would provide specific information relating to the crimes. I will say, most sex offender's I work with minimise their crime and rarely see the impact it has had on the victim. Have you considered the future with this man? Could you trust him each and every day? Will the thoughts about his past ever go away? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nemesis Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Had a family member who was a sex offender. He lied, claimed to be reformed, everyone believed him....till the next conviction......and then history would repeat itself. Have a family member with a horrendous drug history-using, selling, convicted, sentences served. Every time claimed he had reformed. Even now though I have no direct contact I hear his current partner has thrown him out....drug related.?....I wouldn't be surprised. The first one I forgave every time, made excuses for....years later I wonder why. The second I lost patience with years ago. Too many barefaced lies and I guess I was more "streetwise" by then. I've had two partners who were/are alcoholics, one now dead, one still alive. I lived through hell with the first one, the lies, the hidden bottles, the promises, the drying out in hospital -where he bribed a nurse to bring wine in for him. Yet I still believed the second one when he claimed he wasn't addicted, I could trust him, rely on him, etc etc etc. I saw the same signs, heard the same lies, but I love(d) him. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you love someone you will believe them, you forgive them and you accept they have faults and believe them when they say they want to change. And if you become co-dependent then its even harder not to believe them because you need them in your life. What will you do without them? They become the focus of your live and you believe their "bad side" (whatever it is) is explainable and changeable. On a practical level, he is not even going to get a tourist visa for Australia, never mind something longer term. And unless he can earn enough to get you into the Uk on a Spouse Visa you can't migrate there (i sincerely doubt that he could meet the requirements) I would suggest YOU go to see him-Aussies can visit the Uk for 6 months as tourists without needing a visa. Meet him, meet his social workers, do some serious digging and then armed with the facts walk away and have a very serious think about the future before considering a more serious attempt at moving. No way will I judge you, Hopeful Tears, I don't have that right. I haven't walked a mile in your shoes. I can feel your belief in him and in everything you are saying, and I can see myself in a not dissimilar position. You may be right, you may be the one who saves him...... but how many of us reading this have said that at one time or another and not managed it.......... probably lots of posters who for various reasons can't put their thoughts on the open forum. Some leopards can change their spots. Most can't. Good luck, and <<hugs>> I think you will need them at some point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwiathome Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Are you crazy??? You ask not to be judged. Well I am going to judge you. Because hopefully you will be helped and told "way more fish in the sea". Who hopefully are nothing like you have just described. You are getting yourself back on track, well done. No way trust this man! Do you watch the news???? Focus on yourself. Continue to strive and improve. You can do better. Don't kid yourself. Best of luck to you. Don't self doubt. If you are not sure, please go and see a counsellor and at least get a professional to guide you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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