mygirlies Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 An open letter to the father of my girls Dearest you…. Years have now passed since we said goodbye to our first born. Our daughter. Something, I will never understand what, went horribly wrong. A newborn baby, our newborn, born silent, born still. Do you think of her often? Do you ever shed a tear? My heart will always be broken; nothing will mend my devastated soul. My baby girl. My arms, empty. But we were given a second chance. A heart wrenching 18 months passed…another little girl, she was breathing! and placed straight into your arms. She looked just like you. She was a true blessing. That very day and everyday there after, I have felt honoured to be her mummy. I still have to pinch myself at the miracle that stands before me. She was a good baby, almost overly so. A dream. I was so incredibly proud and believed you would have a bond like no other. But not even six months in and you were absent. Gone. Planning your future. I was devastated. Heartbroken. A year passed and I bared the heavy burden of being a sole parent. The endless feeds, the sleepless nights, the parent duties and the guilt. But still, what a blessing this be. I did the best any mother could, but something was missing. So I decided I was going to give her that something. It broke my heart to think of the day she would ask ‘Why didn’t daddy stay for me mummy, and why didn’t you try harder’ So I packed up…. My job, my friends, my home and my life, all gone. 27 hours later and on the other side of the world my daughter was reunited with her daddy. Things were great for a month or two. But the novelty soon wore off once again. But it was different this time. Our daughter, you see, she was different, not like the rest. She wasn’t progressing normally. This shamed you. Maybe you struggled with it. Or somewhat embarrassed. You didn’t want to attend important appointments, therapies or learn sign language. You distanced yourself. But she needed you. It wasn’t long before we were apart once more. The visits got fewer and the excuses increased. You would let her down all to frequent. I remember one particularly day, she new you were coming and excited to see you, she waited by the door calling for you (the only word she was able to verbalize). But that very day, daddy never came. It was gut wrenching to watch and right then I made the decision, she was not a temporary toy you could ignore when it suited you. You were either in or out. Begging you to change was indifferent. You chose out. .............................................. So here we are, years later. Your beautiful daughter is nearly five years old. Today for the first time ever, she asked (signed) ‘Where is my daddy?’ A simple book about a mummy and daddy snail is all it took. What could I say? She doesn’t understand like most five year olds would. After what seemed like forever silence, and with a very sad face she promoted me to carry on reading her the story. As if she knew there was not an answer I could give. I will never forget this day. Our daughter was officially diagnosed just over a year ago. She has Autism spectrum disorder. As well as Dyspraxia and Sensory processing disorder. Yes she has special needs. But they are just words. She is the most amazing child. A free spirit with the gentlest soul. Her empathy and compassion blow me away. She is incredibly protective and her loyalty is like no other. She is incredibly unique, she is adorable, sensitive and sweet and she is hilarious. Her favourite things are animals. She is mad about those. She is voluntarily vegan (animals are friends) and already a mini conservationist. A big fan of Steve Irwin too. Her passion is simply beautiful to watch. You know she even likes to visit the local beaches on the weekend and pick up other peoples rubbish. What child does that? Gorillas are her favourite and have been even before she was a year old. And always will be… Her favourite dog is a border collie would you believe. It astounds me when she takes a liking to things that were of interest to you. She signs to me often that we must get one… I am still thinking about it. She loves horse riding; she’d ride all day if she could. She is a fantastic swimmer, loves the water and has no fear. Her favourite colour is blue. This has never changed since learning our colours (after two long year of trying she now knows the basics ones) She is very set in her ways, her favourites never change. She is a tomboy with no desire to play princesses. She’d choose dinosaurs any day. T-rex is always first choice. Buzz lightyear too. Zombies fascinate her, she gets this from you too. Oh and her favourite movies are Ice age 3 and Tarzan. She has your build you know. She has your tanned skin, she looks very much like you and displays undeniable daddy traits. Sometimes I just have to look at her and I cry inside. Knowing her the way I do…she would have loved you more everyday. She would have always put a smile on your face when you were down. And that loyalty, well, you would have been her number one. You have no idea what you have left behind and the effect this will have on our special little girl. I dread the day she wants you and needs you. I am still coming to terms with this myself. I am not prepared for her heartbreak. I never will be. Every little girl needs her daddy. I am her only family... She knows she is different now. Little girls often don’t want to play with her you know. They whisper and stare as she cannot talk (properly) with them, and will display quirky ways, often jumps around like a Duracell bunny (if she is excited), or do something they find strange. In these moments I wish her daddy were there, to scoop her up and protect her. Instead I swallow the lump in my throat, give her a cuddle and tell her mummy will always be here and always want to play with her. But she is lonely. She struggles everyday with basic tasks, and things that you or I would (and do) take for granted, are huge accomplishments for her. Her memory however…that would astound you. She is extremely smart inside. I pray every day that she finds her voice. She cannot say ‘I love you mummy’ but her signing, and trying her best just melts my heart. I couldn’t ask for more. To say this has been easy would be an insult. Emotionally draining and physically exhausting, if only you knew. It has been blood, sweat and many many tears. To parent a child alone is hard. To parent a child with special needs, alone, well I silently curse you still. The reality is devastating for me, and the prognosis unknown. She may never have understandable speech. She will always struggle and be behind her peers. The prospects of her future are also uncertain. I have had to come to terms with the realization her education will be limited. As well as not attending University or going off to college. Dreams you wish for your child. All gone. We have different goals now. We are on a different path. And that is ok. She will always be different, different but no less. This week she is finally starting to recognize shapes… Triangle, circle and square!! And she can now understand the numbers 1-2-3-4. We have a very long journey ahead. But she has also come so far! Gosh I truly couldn’t be prouder. I will always do whatever is necessary to give her the best I can. My commitment is forever and I will always stand by her side, always. If only you could see what I see as I type this, sleeping next to me… so perfect, so innocent. And so very beautiful. You would be in tears for the gentle loving soul, the little girl you left behind on that very harrowing day. I don’t think you’d feel so ashamed now. Years have passed. You were my first love, and my last. Why you left - I will never understand. We are your girls. We are your love. My dearest Boo, if you overcome the odds, and learn to read…and you find yourself reading this. Just know that I am forever proud of you and no matter what, I will always believe in you. I can never thank you enough. You are my whole world. Mummy x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 My heart goes out to you chook.................as the father of an ASD kid.................although he is fairly "high functioniong" he will never understand why his..................... mum left him for what she could see in another bloke who had no interest in him. Stay strong..............our kids are everything that we hold dear...............let go..........hanging on to what we cannot have will destroy us......................and what use are we to our kids then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fifi69 Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 That must have been hard to write....:hug: Not ashamed to say that brought tears to my eyes.. I'm sorry you are having to go thru this...but your child sounds a joy. You will have their love in your elder years, that's priceless :cool: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zk2102 Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 That made for hard reading. Your daughter sounds adorable. It really is his loss you know. I admire you all the way to the moon and back xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest51810 Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Just want to say the same as the others - I really admire you. Your daughter sounds lovely. If he can't see this then it's his loss x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 I wish you strength and fortitude for the time ahead my lovely. He was weak and not capable of what lay ahead . Your child is blessed to have you to care for her. :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mygirlies Posted November 11, 2014 Author Share Posted November 11, 2014 Thank you so much all, your kind words mean a lot. I really didn't expect a response. But humbled that you took the time to read my letter. My daughters father is a Pom, living in Aus (you've probably worked out) and thought maybe he'd be on here... but maybe not. It's out there now anyway, if it reaches him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddymacs Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Such a beautifully written letter and its awful how someone can do this to a child! Sending you lots of healing light and love xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MovingtoTasmania Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 You have had a heavy load to bear but not a burden as your daughter is a gift and a blessing. My son is ASD, you will be amazed at what your beautiful daughter will achieve one day. You will inspire her to reach for the moon and grab it with both hands. You never have more in life than you can bear at any one time and your openness and honesty are commendable. This man has lost out on two very special things in life. Your love and your daughter's love. What a foolish man. :hug: xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irishgirl1 Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 :hug::hug: A lovely letter, I think yourself and Daughter are very lucky to have each other xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pablo Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Upsetting reading,your daughter is at least blessed with a loving and very obviously caring Mother,best of luck to you both Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caramac Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 What a beautiful letter, so full of love for your daughter - she is truly lucky to have you as her mummy. Her father is missing out on so much and I hope one day he will realise just how much, but your little girl will be fine with one parent who loves her and will always do the best she can for her. I hope she does learn to read so she can read it too, but she will know, through your actions and lives together, just how much she means to you, and you will get back the same from her - you already are! :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weaver Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 So sad to read and yet so full of love. I wish you both all the joy in the world Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M1cha3la Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 What a beautiful letter, your strength and love for your daughter shine through so clearly and that is all she will ever need. Your daughter is so very lucky to have you, as you are lucky to have her. I have a feeling you two are going to be just fine :hug: xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3FatCats Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 My wish for you is to find a little more support, some loving friends to hold your hand in person. You are admirable, but it is too much for one person to handle :hug:all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 You are a star! This all sounds like too much for even a strong woman to bear! I hope you find that special place where you and your daughter belong, surrounded by people who love you both! Your ex is definitely the Loser here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 Any parent would be proud to have your girl as their daughter - what a beautiful spirit she has. I am sure that is testament to your unwavering love and support as well as her natural loveliness. Your ex should be ashamed of himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 That is very hard for you and you really do need some support - which I hope you will receive. You are obviously a loving and caring Mum, hope you have some family around to assist- or some very good friends. Do you get government support? I hope so. I think your ex will most likely avoid contact even if he reads this because after 5 years he will have made some sort of other life for himself, sadly- his loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jac2011 Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 What a thoughtful person you are. Always remember, your daughter is not behind others... She just has different strengths. The whole belief that we need 2 parents in our lives is not always true, we just need to be loved and cared for. You sound like your daughter has more than enough love in her life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 What a thoughtful person you are. Always remember, your daughter is not behind others... She just has different strengths. The whole belief that we need 2 parents in our lives is not always true, we just need to be loved and cared for. You sound like your daughter has more than enough love in her life. Exactly.....you have put it imn a nutshell.............what they lack in one area, they excell in another and the love you give them will have that shine through................they ain't "disabled".............they're just "different" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 I have no words to express my deep admiration for you, your strength, courage and love. Your daughter sounds fantastic, and could not hope for a better Mum. All the best to you both for the future xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markp Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Amazing post. I wish you both all the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sustain Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 There walks an ignorant man missing an articulate women and a joyous child. After the question of where is my daddy will however be "regardless I love you mummy" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adele244 Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 A stunning, beautiful true account. What a wonderful, strong woman you are. Your daughter sounds adorable x x x Much love x x x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shak Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I read that and i cried..i really feel for you..stay stong for that lovely little girl.she sounds lovely and so cute when i read she picks up other peoples rubbish on the beach,awww...it definately is his loss!i wish you and your adorable little girl all the best xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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