The consequences of a failed migration ten years on

[Rachel Tilley]

Here is a very brief history of my migration.

 

I moved to Australia in 2004 with my partner and our 2 year old son for a trial period of 2 years to see if we liked it. We'd verbally agreed if I didn't settle then we'd come home (the move was driven by my partner getting a very good job there and it had always been his dream to live in Oz). I didn't settle, our relationship fell apart very quickly and we split up. I wanted to come home, he went back on his verbal agreement and wouldn't let our son leave the country and a 28 month court battle commenced for me to be legally allowed to return home to the UK with our son. During that time my ex partner had weekend contact with him. Me and our son returned to the UK in July 2007 just before his 5th birthday. My ex chose to remain in Australia and went on to have two marriages and two more sons.

 

I remained a single parent and have focused on my son's needs. I've worked hard in the UK to regain a good job, good salary, home in a nice area and provide my son with the best I can give him. He has dual nationality, and as part of the Australian Family Court Order allowing our return to England he has had to return to Australia each year to have contact with his dad.

 

My son has maintained a relationship with his dad and has seen him on average every 9 months. They have spoken on the phone twice a week every week and have the odd Skype session (but this upsets my son and he'd rather just talk on the phone). The separation from his dad has been hard, he's needed child counselling, he's struggled with abandonment issues, he's been angry, he's lashed out at other kids at school who have taunted him that his dad can't love him if he chose to stay in a foreign country, and so on. It's hurt me too, seeing my son in anguish like this, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn't legally remain in Australia and his dad refused to return to England - my son has been torn between two parents wanting to live in two countries.

 

My son is now 11 and due to finish primary school in the UK tomorrow.

 

Last night he came downstairs and said to me "I want to live in Australia with Daddy". He then burst in to tears and went up to his room and sobbed. I followed him up and asked him what this was all about.

 

He told me life was boring here. We did the same things week in, week out. We went shopping, went to McDonalds, only went to nice places if the weather was good. In Australia he had a 'proper family' and he had brothers that he wanted to see grow up. He wanted to get a better bond with his Daddy before he (his dad) got too old, and he wanted the nice weather so he could go to the beach and play baseball on the beach with his dad and go boogie boarding. He then got distraught and sobbed that by getting a better bond with his dad meant he'd lose his bond with me and he'd miss his grandparents, aunts and uncles here, but he thought now was the time to make the move and start high school in Australia instead of the UK. He basically told me that "now is the right time for me to go to Australia."

 

I'm absolutely devastated. I've emailed his dad and asked him if this is a possibility and would he and his wife accept having him live with them full time. They have replied that they would and he would have a loving home with them.

 

I can understand my son's anguish, I can clearly see how torn he is and the lifelong effects a failed migration is going to have on him. He loves us both, but in order to have one of us he has to do without the other. He has gone off to school this morning very downbeat, even though he knows he could go and live with his dad.

 

His dad and I have exchanged a few more emails today and he is going to look at some local schools over the next few days. My son flies to Australia next Friday to spend four weeks with him and I've told him that he's not moving permanently next week - I just can't cope with it happening that quickly. Thankfully, his dad agrees. He has said that our son would have to start the final year of primary school again next January and that may be the best time for him to go. He and his wife also need to sell up and buy a bigger home with an extra bedroom (which they were going to do anyway but will now do it quicker.)

 

My son is due to start an excellent grammar school in the UK in September and start Year 7 of senior school. I know that going back a year and re-doing a final year at primary school would not appeal to him, but that is what he will have to do if he still wants to move.

 

I am torn about what to do. I've always accepted in my heart that my son is likely to go and live in Australia one day, but I thought that would be at 18/19 when he left school, not at 11 or 12. Do I allow him to have a say and choose where he lives at this age, or as a parent do I make those decisions and tell him I understand him and feel for him, but it's not going to happen, he is going to live here with me until he leaves school? Am I allowing him to make an adult decision when he is only a child? Should I be taking control?

 

His dad has said that he thinks this should be our son's decision and he will fully accept and support whatever one he makes. Part of me feels that is the right thing to do, but part of me thinks he is still only a child and not aware of the full consequences of his choices at this age. My family are devastated too and think I should be the one making the decisions, but I know that's because they don't want to 'lose' him either.

 

Me returning to Australia is not an option. I tried everything to get a visa in my own right 7 years ago and took it as high as Ministerial Intervention but was still turned down. As a result I was banned from the country for 3 years. I can't even get a tourist visa now because DIAC think the risk of me not leaving is too high.

 

Ten years ago when I moved to SA for that 'trial period' to give it a go I had no idea that it would lead to a lifetime of on going trauma. I know there are many mums 'trapped' in Australia unhappily because they can't return to their home country with their children, but my story is proof that there really are no 'happy endings'. I've been blessed with almost 12 wonderful years with my gorgeous boy, but now may be the time I have to accept I have to finally let him go.

[Petals]

I feel for you and its very difficult but children are only on loan, they are their own people and there are no guarantees that they will live near us or want to. It does not mean that they don't love us they are just doing what is natural in life. Families these days seem to want to keep everyone close, whereas once families just wanted what was best for their children whatever the sacrifice.

 

Children are a life of sacrifice whether they are with us or not.

 

I can understand your son wanting his brothers, that is something I always wanted, there is 13 years between me and my brother and by the time he came along I was at boarding school We are close but not as close as we could have been if we had spent more time together.

 

Obviously your ex wants to be in your son's life as he has made sure over these years that he is. You are very lucky there as a lot of ex partners/husbands/wives do not want to have contact or resent having to pay etc

 

There is no reason he cannot come to you like he has been doing to your ex.

 

He is not getting out of your life he is expanding his and he seems to want to do that I do think having a trial would be a good idea, who knows he may decide to come back to you, but he will probably go back to Aus at some stage anyway.

 

No guarantees in life, we have to live our life, not through others be they family or friends.

[MovingtoTasmania]

Oh Rachel, I'm so so sorry my darling for what you are going through :hug::hug::hug:

 

It's such a hard and painful decision, not only for you, but also for your son to make. He's clearly shown that he's thought it through very carefully because he's aware that he will sever the bond with you to a certain extent. I wonder too, if he worries that he has held you back from having the family that he sees that his father has managed to have because he wasn't with him full time?

 

The problem I feel that you may have Rachel, is that by keeping him here and deciding he can't make up his own mind so young, it will cause a resentment between you both and this too will sever your bond.

 

It's great that your ex and his wife are so supportive and I feel sure that they will encourage him to keep the contact going between you both and have regular holidays and also, I think the pull of being in a family (and this is no disrespect to you at all my darling) makes him want to go and be part of that, especially since he has siblings and wants to bond with them and be the big brother.

 

Whatever you decide will be heartbreaking, but ultimately, I think you need to be led by him and his needs and right now, he needs his father :hug:

[fifi69]

What an awful situation for you.

 

i don't know the answer, but your son does sound switched on and seems he has thought it thru. It's not just a reaction or him playing you and his dad off of each other.

 

If it was me, I would let him go to Oz, I know it will break your heart....but thruthfully I think its something he just maybe has to get out of his system. It's been just the two of you for so long, once the novelty wears off and Oz is no longer just a holiday destination for him and he has to go to school, do homework, chores around the house etc etc, you may find that being without his mum isn't what he wants.

 

It certainly throws up what can happen if the move goes wrong.

[Parley]

Is an 11 year old mature enough to know what is in his best interests ?

 

I wouldn't be rushing into this without a lot more thought and discussion.

[tea4too]

I couldn’t just read and run Rachel - my heart goes out to you.

 

In all honesty I’m not sure I could let him go at such a young age and given the history of all that you have both been through. I also wonder if the big move from primary school to high school is a contributory factor? Your son is leaving the relative safety of primary school and may be struggling with the daunting prospect of being in the youngest year amongst a lot of bigger kids in an alien environment. Faced with that, the prospect of a new start on his own terms may seem the better option. In all honesty I’m not sure I would let him take responsibility for making such a big decision, particularly given the circumstances in which you both left Australia. What if your son was to change his mind as some point in the future only to find his father would not allow him to return to you?

 

I think I would look to persuade your son that for now he should carry on as normal, which means he completes year 7 and if he still feels the same, you discuss it as a family next year – you, him and his dad. Chances are he will have settled in at the new school, made new friends and may have a new perspective on things. If not, at least you gave him the space to make sure it really is what he wants to do, and for the right reasons. Just my thoughts - I'm not sure there is a single right answer, but as his mum you will have his best interests at heart, so whatever you do will be 'right' in the circumstances. :hug: Tx

[ali]

It must be an agonising decision, but what sticks out from your post is that he obviously has two parents who love him and will want the best for him. I'd let him go to live with his dad (as hard as it would be), from what you've said he's put a lot of thought into it.

[nicola494]

I think that children need their mothers, he doesn't realise it now. From the outside looking in, I would say let him go and work out for himself he wants to be back with you. But as a mother myself, I wouldn't let that happen until he was 18 xxx

[Skani]

I think that children need their mothers, he doesn't realise it now. From the outside looking in, I would say let him go and work out for himself he wants to be back with you. But as a mother myself, I wouldn't let that happen until he was 18 xxx

 

But children need their fathers too...especially boys coming into adolescence who need good masculine role models. He is obviously also wanting to be part of a family with siblings.

It's a very painful situation for the OP but he is coming to a stage in life which is difficult anyway. If he is full of resentment because he is not allowed to be with his father, he could cause a lot of angst for both himself and his mum.

[Que Sera Sera]

An awful agonising choice and one I have been through myself. My two Daughters Father emigrated to Australia when our eldest was 12. She kept in touch by email and MSN in those days and he would send photos and messages about how great their life was there. Anyway 3 years later aged 15 she decided that she was going at any cost and just became horrid basically. I agreed to a visit in the summer holidays but tbh I always knew in my heart of hearts that she wouldn't come back. Fast forward 5 years and we came over on a skilled visa. I really hope you do find a way because from experience I'm not sure this itch will go away until he's scratched it. :hug:

Edited July 17, 2014 by Que Sera, Sera

[caramac]

My first thought was the same as tea4too's. He's finishing primary school and faces the daunting step of moving to high school. I can't help feeling that this may be playing a part in his unsettled feeling.

 

Has he ever suggested living in Australia with his Dad before? Or has this come out of the blue? I've found that children can't always identify or articulate precisely what it is that's troubling them, so latch onto something which makes sense to them, iykwim? The end of primary school brings a mix of emotions - excitement about the next stage and leaving the 'young child' centred environment which can be stifling for some 11/12 year olds, to anxiety about change and the need to be more independent and wondering how they'll cope with it all. Children of this age do get confused about what they really want and will try to rationalise their emotions based on their experiences. Hormones are beginning to play a part and it's not always the best time to be making huge, life changing decisions.

 

I do think you have to take him seriously, but it should be a well considered decision, and I agree, maybe one that's made over time.

He may love his first year at high school with all the new independence it brings (going off with his mates at the weekends, travelling on public transport by himself etc) and that may be enough change for him. Equally, he may decide it's not what he wants and he really does want to live in Australia and you can then support him in that decision.

I really feel for you - it must be devastating for you, but from what you've written, it's obvious that your son's needs are your priority and he's very lucky to have such a selfless mum who he can communicate so well with.

Edited July 18, 2014 by caramac

[Paul1Perth]

Sad tale, don't know what to say really, you've had some bad luck but I know I would struggle letting my son do that at 11. They change their mind every 5 minutes at that age. It's winter too in Aus so he might not like it if he thinks he'll be boogy boarding and playing on the beach.

[Pumpkin]

Yes it is a sad tale and a cautionary one that all parents need to think through. In your shoes, I would not be assuming that this is something he has really thought through though, it could well be a whim. I think I would just say no, but promise to revisit it in say a year if he still feels the same.

[jac2011]

Rachel, this must be a terrible time for you but I am absolutely astounded by your understanding and unselfish love towards your son. Already the choices you have made are ones that most mums just could not make and yet you have spoken to your ex and made arrangements based on the best interests of your son. I agree with others, it sounds as if letting him go for the time being is the best thing to do at this stage, but I am sure that in years to come your son will understand the sacrifices that you made.

 

Perhaps write a letter to him now, based on exactly what you have told us, how torn you feel. Id address it to him and give it to him once he is 18 or so, so he is able to see how loved he is and what a hard decision you made. Else, at 18 he may only remember vague details and may remember it as you sending him to live with his dad. I am sure he wouldn't but I would certainly be putting everything into words at this point.

 

I know you feel terrible but I really do believe you are making a strong decision based on your sons best interests. I am sorry you are going through this. Hugs x

[3FatCats]

That's heartbreaking.......oh my goodness you poor lady.

 

I don't really know what to say, I am almost lost for words.....reading between the lines I think no matter what, you are going to do what is best for your son. I tried to remember myself at 11 to offer up some insight, and I suppose what it boils down to, is he mature enough/old enough/etc to make this huge decision just like that? It is not something you can pick up and drop x months down the line if you decide you don't like your new life so much...schools, finances etc. How is he going to elaborate his missing you? Please keep posting if we can offer you any support xxx

[Paul1Perth]

Yes it is a sad tale and a cautionary one that all parents need to think through. In your shoes, I would not be assuming that this is something he has really thought through though, it could well be a whim. I think I would just say no, but promise to revisit it in say a year if he still feels the same.

 

Kids can be little sods though and she has to live with him. May as well let him give it a shot, might be back inside a month and never want to set foot in Aus again.

 

This thread could just as easily be titled consequences of having kids and a breakdown in marriage. You don't have to be in another country for life to be hard. My Sister lives down the road from her second husband and son with him. She had to send him back to his Dad's to live as he was refusing to go to school, being really nasty to her and making her life miserable. Now he lives with is Dad he doesn't even go in to see her, even though he bikes past the house nearly every day. The rest of the family that her ex has gone to live with are not nice to her either and everything that's wrong with her Son still gets blamed on my Sis.

[jac2011]

My kids go to their dads every 3 weeks and I have to push them out the door to go. They are about to spend a week in the summer and they are dreading going. He phones every week and they get upset with me for making them speak to him. He only lives down the road. I hate the way he has become. I wish my kids knew that had 2 very caring, loving parents that put their needs first. It sounds like your ex is still very involved and interested in your sons future and at least you know he would be well cared for.

[Parley]

My kids go to their dads every 3 weeks and I have to push them out the door to go. They are about to spend a week in the summer and they are dreading going. He phones every week and they get upset with me for making them speak to him. He only lives down the road. I hate the way he has become. I wish my kids knew that had 2 very caring, loving parents that put their needs first. It sounds like your ex is still very involved and interested in your sons future and at least you know he would be well cared for.

 

I'm not referring to you, but generally it is very difficult for Dad's in these situations.

Mothers talk to the kids all the time negatively about the father, and obviously it rubs off on the kids.

It is important for mum's to recognise that a child is best served by having a positive relationship with both parents and encourage it.

[byrned]

I would not let him go full stop. He could be upset at the thought of starting high school. His father should be supporting you in keeping his son in the uk until at least he has finished high school, he will not get the kind of education here that he will get in the grammar in uk unless you are willing to pay money for it, the state schools here are not on the same level as grammar in the UK. A boy needs a father yes but he needs a mothers love more, take it from me, his stepmother may think a lot of your son but will never be able to love him like she will her own children and your son after the novelty of him being there wares off will show. Just because he says life is boring in England it sounds to me like panic talk from him, you may have to put your foot down with him and tell him how its going to be.

[jac2011]

Iv seen far too many adults messed up by parents who have abandoned them, I agree children need a good relationship with their father and that's why I have continued to push them into seeing my ex and speaking to him on the phone. I want my children to be happy and know their parents love them. I do think its a culture thing and again not putting blame on any particular group but I do see young, poorer families, often from broken homes themselves often tear their children away from their fathers as a 'game'. Think Jeremy Kyle. I see it on a daily basis in my work. Especially now funding has been pulled and fathers haven't the money to fight for the right to see their children.

 

However, you also cant make a good father. If you had your children 1 weekend in 3, would you make them sit in a half furnished terraced house for the entire weekend doing nothing?

[beach pig]

I do not know what to say,but good luck whatever path you choose. From previous posts you sound like a very confident women.and given sound advice with peoples other predicaments.it might go against the grain but I think you should let your boy go to the father so there is no comebacks of your son resenting you later on in life.Good luck girl

[sinob]

Hi Rachel, I have no advice just admiration for a Mum who loves her son so much she would do this. It's only my uninformed opinion that your son could end up resenting you if you stop him. Otherwise big hugs to you xx

[bessie]

I would let him go for four weeks now and then tell him he needs to complete his first year of high school in the uk and if he still wants to go then etc then it will be agreed.... I'm not sure if I have read your book about going through the court to get back to the uk (tho may be someone else) but I remember that your ex was abusive (sorry if this isn't you)

 

regardless if I have the wrong person your son sounds like he has gone through a troubling time with counselling etc and if I have the background right, I would want to be the adult who makes the decision and make sure I put him in a safe environment that will help him develop into the man you want him to become - just because someone is biologically connected to you doesn't mean they are automatically a great human being... What court orders could you get in place to ensure they send your son back to see you? You HAVE to send your son to see them and they can travel to the uk to see your son but from what you said you CAN'T go to australia.... I would be very careful and perhaps suggest that your son goes out for longer periods instead... Sorry to throw some other points if view in there but it's good to consider all aspects I guess

[Rachel Tilley]

Thank you so much to ALL of you who have taken the time to reply, you have all given such a wide range of valid advice and I do agree with all of it! Thank you for the compliments you have given me too - it is very much appreciated and very touching to read.

@bessie - yes you are right. I am that person and my ex was abusive. His second marriage failed due to abuse too and I have no idea what the relationship is like with his current wife. He does seem to have mellowed a bit, but I what if I'm sending my son to live full time to witness further domestic abuse? In the past my son has enjoyed his visits but on some occasions has been relieved to come home to me - although more recently they have been good visits. I really don't think my ex is a threat to our son any more, but I do know that children living within a fraught, hostile and argumentative home environment whether there is violence or not will suffer.

 

The good news is (well for me at least) was that when my son was asked by his dad this morning what he wanted to do he said he was still undecided. I'm not going to mention it to him any further this week and will wait and see what happens on his latest visit when he goes next week.

 

I agree he is too young to make this decision, but I agree he could also resent me if I don't let him go. I agree he should do a year at senior school in the UK first, but agree that making the move sooner rather than later could help him settle easier over there. What a bloomin' dilemma!

 

I went to his final assembly at primary school this morning and the class sang Stay With Me by Sam Smith. At that point I just lost it and started to blub. Hopefully he didn't notice. I do not want to put any emotional blackmail on him whatsoever and he has to rationalise his options himself over the next few months, but today for the first time in a long time I've really resented my ex for staying in Australia and not keeping to his word that if it didn't work out we would all come home. We would have come home to live separate lives, but he could still have met someone in the UK and moved on with his life and at least our son would not be torn between two countries as well as two parents

[j19jjr]

Hi Rachel, I was very moved by your post and have great admiration for how you are attempting to deal with this. I don't want to put a spanner in the works but one thought that jumped out at me was this, your husband would not let your son leave Aus initially even though he knew you could not stay - what if your son decides after a period of time that he has made a mistake & wants to come back to mum in the UK, will he be allowed?

 

I wish both you and your son all the very best xxx