Just told the parents!!

[Guest Gearbox]

It's hard isn't it. I remember when we told my mum we were posted to Northern Ireland and she was devastated even though she knew it was only for 3 years lol. She knows we are going to Aus but she doesn't know when so I know as soon as we tell her it's going ahead she will be really upset (again). It's a shock right now... give them a few days for it to sink it. I'm sure they want you to be happy as hard as it is for them ((hugs)) xxx

 

This is good advice. I had to leave family and a girlfriend behind and what really seemed to help was open communication and reassurance that we'd still be in contact. Ultimately, they have to understand that it's what right for you and your own happiness. Good luck!

[Marisawright]

Oh dear. It turns out oh mother has not taken it well. She started off ok last night but today the proverbial 5hit has hit the fan. Shes been letting off to the family how totally unsupportive we are. Which actually is so untrue, we'll do anything to help and have been. But we have had to have another soul searching discussion on our plans this afternoon. This is awful.i admit that the timing is utterly crap as she is just finishing treatment for a breast cancer. But what do we do? Let this opportunity pass us by. And we couldn't go before nowas she was nursing a sick husband (oh dad) who sadly died just over 14 months ago. So its been put back and put back again and again and now it can't be put back anymore.

 

You have no idea how awful we all feel (well actually I'm sure some of you do! )

 

 

This struck a chord with me. We left just after my mother finished treatment for bowel cancer. It was a similar situation - our PR visa was due to expire and in those days, if you let it expire you weren't allowed to apply again, ever. She died six months later. Are you sure she's been honest with you about her prognosis?

[ali]

Do what is best for you. They may be upset and angry at the thought of you leaving but you have your lives to live as you see best. Don't let the emotions of others change your mind if it is truly what you want. As you say there's no more push backs. I hope you make the move as planned and hopefully they will come round to the idea when they see its not the end of the world and they can still keep in touch. Chin up and carry on xx

 

Whilst distress makes people react in uncharacteristic ways (some people have written of relatives becoming very manipulative/emotionally blackmailing), they have to own their behaviour at the end of the day and realise that it may drive people even further away. I don't see it as choosing people over places, I see it as choosing options that are right for you and your family at that given time. We shouldn't live our lives for or through other people, we need to live them for us and our own families.

[CaptainC]

I told my parents a few weeks ago, they knew already though or at least suspected something. My wife is a NZ'er so it didn't take a genius to work out our future plan. They took it really well, in fact very supportive. They will have a new 'free' holiday destination!

 

My 'big gob' sister told my son, his little heart broke because he'd miss grandma and grandad and friends and pets etc. took days to talk him around, he was crying and worrying so much, now he's excited and talking about it all of the time.

[Rossmoyne]

Whilst I agree with Rupert that migrants are selfish in wanting something else.... that argument can also be used for the actions of those family and friends that you are leaving behind. Surely if they loved you they would be happy that you were going on a life adventure.... double sided issue surely.

 

I can see this from both sides as I have been there on both sides. I was living in UK with my husband and 2 year old daughter, and I had just told my parents that I was pregnant with our second child. Father countered with... "Oh that's nice dear..... we are moving to Australia as soon as the house is sold so we can join your brother", whilst Mother cried quietly in the corner. Brother was always the blue eyed boy and parents had recently spent yet another holiday in Perth with him and his family, so in a way I wasn't surprised. But what did surprise me was the massive feelings I had of "what am I going to do without you in my daily life?" That was my selfishness coming out as I had spent 10 years travelling and working around the world before I married and I hadn't even given what my parents feelings were a single thought throughout all that time.

 

It was a very painful time in my life, but it finally made me grow up and realise that all my actions impacted on others.

Edited April 22, 2014 by Rossmoyne

[l1sa]

Well my parents seemed to have softened a little and are at least talking to me. OH mum has turned on the thumbscrews, but not directly, she hasn't spoken to us directly since we told her, but she's is venting all the emotional blackmail through OH sister who is already out there, knowing that she will tell us in turn. She is threatening to stop having her cancer treatments if we go through with it. We all feel sick. The kids included. Even my SIL who emigrated 12 years ago is having stress over it. But like Ali said, it appears to be having the opposite affect on OH, its making him more determined to go. I knew it was gonna be bad, but never imagined it would be this bad.

 

In future when I see posts on here asking "when shall we tell the parents?" I'll be replying

 

"On the way to the Airport and run and don't look back!!!"

[Tappers2oz]

Well my parents seemed to have softened a little and are at least talking to me. OH mum has turned on the thumbscrews, but not directly, she hasn't spoken to us directly since we told her, but she's is venting all the emotional blackmail through OH sister who is already out there, knowing that she will tell us in turn. She is threatening to stop having her cancer treatments if we go through with it. We all feel sick. The kids included. Even my SIL who emigrated 12 years ago is having stress over it. But like Ali said, it appears to be having the opposite affect on OH, its making him more determined to go. I knew it was gonna be bad, but never imagined it would be this bad.

 

In future when I see posts on here asking "when shall we tell the parents?" I'll be replying

 

"On the way to the Airport and run and don't look back!!!"

 

My god your mil is acting like a spoilt child! It's awful she has Cancer, but seriously, saying she'll stop treatment if you leave, how dare she threaten that and put it on you!

[CaptainC]

Well my parents seemed to have softened a little and are at least talking to me. OH mum has turned on the thumbscrews, but not directly, she hasn't spoken to us directly since we told her, but she's is venting all the emotional blackmail through OH sister who is already out there, knowing that she will tell us in turn. She is threatening to stop having her cancer treatments if we go through with it. We all feel sick. The kids included. Even my SIL who emigrated 12 years ago is having stress over it. But like Ali said, it appears to be having the opposite affect on OH, its making him more determined to go. I knew it was gonna be bad, but never imagined it would be this bad.

 

In future when I see posts on here asking "when shall we tell the parents?" I'll be replying

 

"On the way to the Airport and run and don't look back!!!"

 

What an awful story. I really hope you and your family get over this and they realise that you have to do what you think is best for your family and future.

[Guest]

Well my parents seemed to have softened a little and are at least talking to me. OH mum has turned on the thumbscrews, but not directly, she hasn't spoken to us directly since we told her, but she's is venting all the emotional blackmail through OH sister who is already out there, knowing that she will tell us in turn. She is threatening to stop having her cancer treatments if we go through with it. We all feel sick. The kids included. Even my SIL who emigrated 12 years ago is having stress over it. But like Ali said, it appears to be having the opposite affect on OH, its making him more determined to go. I knew it was gonna be bad, but never imagined it would be this bad.

 

In future when I see posts on here asking "when shall we tell the parents?" I'll be replying

 

"On the way to the Airport and run and don't look back!!!"

 

I'd ask your OH sister to not relay anything your MIL says about your decision to move. She doesn't *have* to tell you anything does she? I'd just not ask and not have it relayed either.

 

Plough on if it's what you want it's not always easy for those we leave behind but if you want to make the move, you'll find your way forward I am sure.

[l1sa]

Thank you for your support people, It genuinely is awful, I can't eat, I can't sleep infact none us can, my poor daughter seems to be feeling it as she is just about to launch into her GCSEs and like me she hates conflict. Does make you think about stuff though.

 

Would MIL be all nice and sweet again if we said ok mummy we won't go then.

 

AAGGHHHHH

[CaptainC]

Thank you for your support people, It genuinely is awful, I can't eat, I can't sleep infact none us can, my poor daughter seems to be feeling it as she is just about to launch into her GCSEs and like me she hates conflict. Does make you think about stuff though.

 

Would MIL be all nice and sweet again if we said ok mummy we won't go then.

 

AAGGHHHHH

 

I really hope it all works out for you. IMO you shouldn't back out to pacify somebody, it will only make home life impossible and the resentment will be huge.

It's your life, you're in control of it, you and your OH want the best for you and kids.

Just go and let whatever happens happen. My aunt emigrated a few years ago and I remember the huge arguments between the family. They are all friends again now and I assume it was just elements of jealousy, selfishness and self pity.....people get over things, learn to accept the inevitable, and continue with their lives.

[Sammy1]

Thank you for your support people, It genuinely is awful, I can't eat, I can't sleep infact none us can, my poor daughter seems to be feeling it as she is just about to launch into her GCSEs and like me she hates conflict. Does make you think about stuff though.

 

Would MIL be all nice and sweet again if we said ok mummy we won't go then.

 

AAGGHHHHH

 

Human emotion - your Mother in law is grieving. Does she have any other children left in the UK?

 

Right now she is extremely vulnerable going through cancer treatment as well as coping with the previous loss of her husband.

 

For anybody, being told that their child and family are moving to Australia may understandably be a very difficult concept to take in, let alone when that same person is undergoing cancer treatment.

 

Remember that she is human and as such is not perfect. She is grieving for you all already and is probably scared at what the future holds, have compassion and empathy for her feelings.

 

Yes, you still carry on with your plans, but if this means going through a difficult transition period, then so be it.

 

Later will come the visits and the joy of seeing her grandchildren happy and settled in a new country. By then she may well see the benefits. Right now she is hurting terribly. Allow her to own her feelings, that's ok. You are of course allowed to own yours too.

Edited April 22, 2014 by Sammy1

[tina0101]

Thank you for your support people, It genuinely is awful, I can't eat, I can't sleep infact none us can, my poor daughter seems to be feeling it as she is just about to launch into her GCSEs and like me she hates conflict. Does make you think about stuff though.

 

Would MIL be all nice and sweet again if we said ok mummy we won't go then.

 

AAGGHHHHH

 

I totally know where you are coming from. My mum has just come back from a 2 week holiday and since she has come back I have started to stress again. Trying to not show it too much, or say much in front of my son (GCSE's looming for him too!).

 

I can understand her grief and how upset she is, but she needs to get over this stage (it's been since September) as we are leaving in just over 4 months.

 

I really feel for you and your situation

[l1sa]

Human emotion - your Mother in law is grieving. Does she have any other children left in the UK?

 

Right now she is extremely vulnerable going through cancer treatment as well as coping with the previous loss of her husband.

 

For anybody, being told that their child and family are moving to Australia may understandably be a very difficult concept to take in, let alone when that same person is undergoing cancer treatment.

 

Remember that she is human and as such is not perfect. She is grieving for you all already and is probably scared at what the future holds, have compassion and empathy for her feelings.

 

Yes, you still carry on with your plans, but if this means going through a difficult transition period, then so be it.

 

Later will come the visits and the joy of seeing her grandchildren happy and settled in a new country. By then she may well see the benefits. Right now she is hurting terribly. Allow her to own her feelings, that's ok. You are of course allowed to own yours too.

 

No she doesn't have any children left in the UK, we are her last which makes it all the worse. I am torn emotionally, I have always been pretty empathetic and genuinely understand things from everyones point of view. But now I feel backed into a corner. I can't believe I am being so heartless and selfish to be leaving family when so much is going on. But my choices are to either stay and be the good daughter that everyones come to know and expect of me, and just accept that I'll never be able to live in Australia cos once this visas gone theres no chance of getting another one. Or I go, at the risk of breaking the family apart to persue this dream of living in the sun.

 

Sometimes I wish......... well I just wish.

 

Lisa

[gtaylor30]

I told my parents, they said, "Oh, well we know you'll make a good go of it. We'll miss you not being closer at hand, but we trust you to make good decisions for yourself." I guess what that really means is that they will miss the IT support on tap, knowing them.

[Quoll]

Well if it boils down to just sunshine then it doesn't sound really balanced, no, but it's your life to do with as you want. Sounds like the family already is broken apart if the others have gone and you are the only one left. If there are others maybe one of them will come back if required.

[Grabri]

I sympathise with you all! I'm italian and went to see my family over Easter and everyone is heartbroken! They are upset because at least we see them twice a year now, but very far when in Oz

I didn't think they would be so upset, as we already live far anyway. It's made me feel doubtful and scared about the move.... My husband is Australian anyway and we have always had in the back of our mind moving to Oz. We have both spent 17 years in the Uk and feel is time to move. I wish my family was more supportive, but I am still going to do as I don't want to regret not doing it when I'm too old.

Edited April 22, 2014 by Grabri

[Rupert]

Whilst I agree with Rupert that migrants are selfish in wanting something else.... that argument can also be used for the actions of those family and friends that you are leaving behind. Surely if they loved you they would be happy that you were going on a life adventure.... double sided issue surely.

 

I can see this from both sides as I have been there on both sides. I was living in UK with my husband and 2 year old daughter, and I had just told my parents that I was pregnant with our second child. Father countered with... "Oh that's nice dear..... we are moving to Australia as soon as the house is sold so we can join your brother", whilst Mother cried quietly in the corner. Brother was always the blue eyed boy and parents had recently spent yet another holiday in Perth with him and his family, so in a way I wasn't surprised. But what did surprise me was the massive feelings I had of "what am I going to do without you in my daily life?" That was my selfishness coming out as I had spent 10 years travelling and working around the world before I married and I hadn't even given what my parents feelings were a single thought throughout all that time.

 

It was a very painful time in my life, but it finally made me grow up and realise that all my actions impacted on others.

 

Could I make a possibly subtle clarification there, as I don't really want it on record that Rupert says all migrants are selfish for wanting something different.

:biggrin:

In fact I am saying that to be a successful migrant, one needs to be selfish, one needs to find an inner selfishness even if not normally a selfish person. Being selfless could lead to plans being derailed, being put on hold, perhaps forever. This is perhaps very evident in the OPs thread, that she has been selfless to date and has put others needs first, that is why they have not moved in the five years since having the visa. If she wants to give this a go now, then she needs to become more selfish. That is what I am saying.

 

Certainly the reaction of family can be selfish too, I would not say otherwise. Although I do have sympathy with the family left behind as they are powerless and not in control. But nobody is right and nobody is wrong in this whole situation.

[Marisawright]

No she doesn't have any children left in the UK, we are her last which makes it all the worse. I am torn emotionally, I have always been pretty empathetic and genuinely understand things from everyones point of view. But now I feel backed into a corner. I can't believe I am being so heartless and selfish to be leaving family when so much is going on. But my choices are to either stay and be the good daughter that everyones come to know and expect of me, and just accept that I'll never be able to live in Australia cos once this visas gone theres no chance of getting another one. Or I go, at the risk of breaking the family apart to persue this dream of living in the sun.

 

I do hope the sun is not the only drawcard, or you're going to regret the move! You got your visa in 2009 - have you researched what job prospects, salaries, cost of living etc are like now?

[Paul1Perth]

No she doesn't have any children left in the UK, we are her last which makes it all the worse. I am torn emotionally, I have always been pretty empathetic and genuinely understand things from everyones point of view. But now I feel backed into a corner. I can't believe I am being so heartless and selfish to be leaving family when so much is going on. But my choices are to either stay and be the good daughter that everyones come to know and expect of me, and just accept that I'll never be able to live in Australia cos once this visas gone theres no chance of getting another one. Or I go, at the risk of breaking the family apart to persue this dream of living in the sun.

 

Sometimes I wish......... well I just wish.

 

Lisa

 

Could be worse l1sa, you're folks and MIL could have suggested coming to stay with you for a few months with the intention of emigrating. It'll all be fine once you are on the plane.

[CaptainC]

I told my parents, they said, "Oh, well we know you'll make a good go of it. We'll miss you not being closer at hand, but we trust you to make good decisions for yourself." I guess what that really means is that they will miss the IT support on tap, knowing them.

 

I know that feeling.....phone call from my dad at 4am while I was in America ....."how do I right click something? I was using my right hand instead of my left and it still won't work"

This is from a man with 2 masters degrees.....

[gtaylor30]

I know that feeling.....phone call from my dad at 4am while I was in America ....."how do I right click something? I was using my right hand instead of my left and it still won't work"

This is from a man with 2 masters degrees.....

 

Yes, I was down with the folks on Friday last week, "fixing their internet".

[Fisher1]

It is upsetting when families announce their intentions to live on the other side of the world - I cant understand why more people don't do something to soften the blow a bit. My daughter told us she was going for a year. Then she stayed a second year. By the time she got a permanent job, we were accustomed to her living in Sydney and didn't stress too much about it. Just started planning our next get together.

We are lucky that we have seen our daughter at least once a year since she left in 2004 and I now no longer bawl my head off when she leaves. I don't like saying good bye but wherever she lived we'd have to do that on a regular basis.

 

I think its the whole scenario of thinking you'll never see your kids again, or only once every few years that freaks people out. Really though, calling someone selfish in these circumstances is not appropriate. We are all selfish - those who leave and those who weep and wail at the station. That's life. The important thing is to make the initial move as painless as possible.

 

People move on with their lives, on both sides of the world, and it is difficult to maintain a close relationship at such a distance. It can be done but it takes effort.

 

Good luck to all those who are moving - the thing that helped me wave off my only child in a reasonably civilised way was the knowledge that we had booked our flights for a first visit eight months later. Perhaps something to think about? There's lots of information on this site about sponsoring parents to come out and join you. Something else that might soften the blow?

[Rossmoyne]

Could I make a possibly subtle clarification there, as I don't really want it on record that Rupert says all migrants are selfish for wanting something different.

:biggrin:

In fact I am saying that to be a successful migrant, one needs to be selfish, one needs to find an inner selfishness even if not normally a selfish person. Being selfless could lead to plans being derailed, being put on hold, perhaps forever. This is perhaps very evident in the OPs thread, that she has been selfless to date and has put others needs first, that is why they have not moved in the five years since having the visa. If she wants to give this a go now, then she needs to become more selfish. That is what I am saying.

 

Certainly the reaction of family can be selfish too, I would not say otherwise. Although I do have sympathy with the family left behind as they are powerless and not in control. But nobody is right and nobody is wrong in this whole situation.

 

Sorry Rupert - I didn't express myself very well did I? I do get what you meant... just didn't word my comments that well.