nursesam Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 So like a lot of you my husband and I are planning to move to Oz. It's been something we've talked about over the last 6 years and in April we decided to go for it. We are going to give it 2-3 years and come back to England after, which we have told our family this and we have found the thought of coming back has made the decision to move easier for us and them to come to terms with. We have kept in mind though that it may be the best thing in the world and we could end up staying there (this we haven't told our families!). Originally we planned to go in October 2014 due to needing to save money. We have now found a bit more money than expected and instead can go May 2014 at the earliest. So naturally we have updated our family and friends on the latest... I wasn't expecting to see the huge disappointment and upset in their faces! When we made this decision I really didn't consider quite how much this would upset other people and now it's happening sooner and seeing their reactions I just feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and I feel like we've been so selfish! It's as if everything we say or do now just upsets people. Don't get me wrong, our family and friends are very supportive but I can see the hurt we're causing! How do you cope with this?? We still want to go and we know it's right for us but it's so hard upsetting everyone all the time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbounds Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 it is really hard. we have just submitted our 190 visa yesterday but for us our families are supporting our decision and think it's great they now have a new holiday destination you can't please everybody so don't try. Only you know what's best for you and life is to short to say ' what if' in like twenty years time. It is only a flight away at the end of the day (i know how much these cost though!) but your family will understand and when you skype them etc, it won't feel as though your that far away. Grab this opportunity with both hands coz if you don't do it now, you may never do it and feel so much regret. good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjg Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Start searching on here about this topic. You will find enough reading material until you leave next may. You will also get many, many, many different opinions...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whichway1 Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I don't know how to answer this but to be honest. For me, I never really got over the guilt and was something I just had to come to terms with. Skype is a magnificent thing and does make a difference. My mum did say one thing which was that had I not moved away she would never have gotten to see Australia and New Zealand and have the best holidays of her life. Although very glad to have us back she kind of misses that she will never get to go again - she just wouldn't see any reason to now. I think some people don't feel the guilt and a lot depends on how close you are with your family - like I say I never got over it but it is YOUR life. Sometimes I think maybe in a couple of years I might go back and give it another try (which if you knew me you would probably think wtf!) but I know I wouldn't because of the guilt. But then there is the thing that you don't spend every minute of every day feeling guilty gradually it gets better and you might only get pangs now and then, I don't suppose you will really know until you get there how you are going to deal with it. Of course people will say you have nothing to feel guilty about, which is true you don't, but it still doesn't stop you feeling the way you do. It just shows you are a nice, sensitive person who isn't selfish. TBH I feel guilty about not feeling guilty before I moved to Oz and NZ in the first place and only feeling guilty when I was there, it's just ridiculous! Good Luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 It takes a high degree of independence and "selfishness" (I use inverted commas as I don't mean it in a negative way) to migrate. It is hurtful to other people. No matter that they try their best to be happy and supportive, why would anyone that loves and cares for you be happy to see you move to the other side of the world, for some it might be the last time they ever see you. This is migration, it is tough, there is no point pretending otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ptp113 Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 So like a lot of you my husband and I are planning to move to Oz. It's been something we've talked about over the last 6 years and in April we decided to go for it. We are going to give it 2-3 years and come back to England after, which we have told our family this and we have found the thought of coming back has made the decision to move easier for us and them to come to terms with. We have kept in mind though that it may be the best thing in the world and we could end up staying there (this we haven't told our families!). Originally we planned to go in October 2014 due to needing to save money. We have now found a bit more money than expected and instead can go May 2014 at the earliest. So naturally we have updated our family and friends on the latest... I wasn't expecting to see the huge disappointment and upset in their faces! When we made this decision I really didn't consider quite how much this would upset other people and now it's happening sooner and seeing their reactions I just feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and I feel like we've been so selfish! It's as if everything we say or do now just upsets people. Don't get me wrong, our family and friends are very supportive but I can see the hurt we're causing! How do you cope with this?? We still want to go and we know it's right for us but it's so hard upsetting everyone all the time! It's your life. They can go jump! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
n1ck Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I bought my parents an iPad to keep in touch, little things like that will make it easier once I go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calNgary Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I agree with a Snifter, in that you do have to be some what selfish when you migrate. Some people take your news well ,others can become nasty or just cut you off, they all have different ways of dealing with your pending departure. It helped me to 'swap shoes' with people and ask myself if they would put their life on hold for me ? Chances are few would and sometimes you have to put you and your family first. Cal x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
docboat Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I hear where you are coming from. But you do realise, I am sure, that what you have basically said is this: "I will make my own independent decisions based on how other people feel about my decisions." Put it into context. This is your life. You do what you need to do for your own best interests. If, after that, there is a way to please other people, do it. But not at the expense of your own best interests. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nursesam Posted August 22, 2013 Author Share Posted August 22, 2013 Thank you all for your messages. It helps to hear other people's perspectives and I will take on board what you all say. I understand it's tough but we stand by our decision. We need to do this for us and don't want to be thinking "what if" when it's too late. Whichway1 it sounds like you've had a tough time with this, I guess it'll be a case of learning to live with the guilty feelings and hopefully it'll get easier as I get used to it. And yes skype is fantastic and I know will help. This whole thing is such a rollercoaster of emotions... one minute you're so excited, the next sat crying your eyes out! My god it's exhausting! But I have to say the moments of excitement far outweigh the moments of tears! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I concur, you have to be selfish and self sufficient to be a successful migrant. I didn't have any feelings of guilt at taking my parents only grandchild away from them and they made the best of it. I'd be lying though if I didn't admit that the guilt crept in as they barreled towards 90 with increasing health problems and me, their only daughter, on the other side of the world. It's worked out well for me tho and I am now living back in UK where I had long yearned to be. I never got guilted and would have given short shrift to anyone who tried - the daughter in law tries occasionally because of our latest move but I refuse to feel guilty about her feelings. It's your life to adventure as you will I reckon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cairnzees Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Myself and my husband decided 8 yrs ago to make the move to oz and family was completely behind us and very supportive but unfortunately my husband got cold feet and we didnt proceed we never stopped thinkin about it. We now have a 2yr old daughter and we began the process last year to make the move we r currently waiting on ielts results then ready to submit visa app. My parents are now absolutely devastated as we will taking their only grand child away. This has been our dream for many years but my mum especially is making me feel terribly guilty and gets emotional even just holdin my daughters hand as she knows she want get to c her as much. I go through diff emotions ,sometimes I think I just couldnt do this to them then other times I think they have plenty money to visit both retired and healthy 60 yrs old who go lots of holidays and can stay with us for as long as they want on holidays, so I think its them thats being selfish and should want us to be happy and it makes me more determined to not feel guilty but there is always that horrid feeling of breaking their hearts. They bought our flatfor us ( cheap ex council repo) and we pay them instead of mortgage (lucky i know and very greatful) so our other dilema is do we go now or wait another 2n half years till its paid off and have double the savings? But we really want to go now as we have already waited 8 years for this. My husband is 40 next yr. So going to get visa now anyway whatever we decide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beddy Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Leaving family has got to be the worst part of migrating ..... And for some it is just too much and many have gone back unable to cope with the separation from their loved ones. I often feel guilty for not wanting to go back . I love and cherish my family and consider myself very close to my family but I agree with Rupert it takes a 'high degree of independence and "selfishness" to successfully migrate .I've only been here a year so my guilt and separation anxiety may get the better of me yet, but whatever the outcome further down the line I can say I have had a successful migration for the first year and no regrets . Had I stayed just to save my family from the upset and given up the chance I would have probably regretted it for ever . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I reckon though if you make the move you shouldn't expect your family to trek across the world to have their holidays with you - you move, it's your responsibility to holiday back with your folk! Your move will hurt them emotionally, you shouldn't build in a financial hurt as well - some folk enjoy the travel, others for whatever reason can't or won't do it. I'm also, on reflection, inclined to disagree with the majority on the usefulness of Skype on either side. It was a damned sight easier without all this instant communication! Seeing something constantly from a distance that you can't have can be just as, if not more painful than being "out of sight out of mind". As a grandparent I find Skype next to useless with small grandchildren and know I will either have to visit them or pay for them to visit us as it was our decision to move away from them. I'd rather the odd phone call TBH and I doubt they would mind. The little one still can't work out why Mops lives in the box on the desk. From the slightly unsure migrant point of view, the constant picking at the scab of the life you left behind and watching your parallel life go on without you on the social media can be a real barrier to putting all your effort into living successfully in a foreign country! Again, it was much easier when out of sight was out of mind! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dodgydarji Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I have to say I was made to feel terrible when I broke the news. I had my own sibling and cousins turn on me about what i was doing was wrong. How I don't care about them, being a back stabber and more often then not making me feel incredibly guilty about the decision I have made. Not only that but tryign the hardest explaining why I had made the wrong decision and how I would only know when I have kids (my brother has two). Well I took all this on and in spite of the guilt I came out on the other end determined as ever to make it a success. My decision to go was embedded into me years ago and my only mistake was not sharing it earlier. Well this is what i thought until i read how you have had the thought for many years! Just try not to succumb to the emotional guilt tripping, but what they want to see is you do care about them a lot my showing signs of sorrow at the decision you have made. try to use it as fuel for success and I wish you all the best with coping as in time it can change. i have seen some transform. Bets of all for me has been those who I have told and have been incredibly supportive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Sprintman. What a horrible thing to say. Totally negative and no help to anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Hi Nursam Yes I am one of the great abandoned masses :biggrin: and have had eight years to get used to my only 'child' being on the other side of the world. The way I see it, we lived all over Europe while she was growing up and got into the habit of seeing my parents for a big 'chunk' of time once a year or so, and this is no different, just a longer journey (Those flights really are the pits, btw) Yes, its painful, yes we miss her but we are lucky to be able to travel and visit. We love Australia and hope to move there on parent visa's one day (cant just now - elderly mum I really cant leave again) I know my daughter has had opportunities she would never have had in London and I also know she is living a healthier (sportier) lifestyle. Skype is great, I love all sorts of electronic contact including at one stage playing scrabble online, while talking on the phone. Believe me it does make it easier. As other's have said - you only have one life, get out there and live it, and don't waste time feeling guilty about it. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whichway1 Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I reckon though if you make the move you shouldn't expect your family to trek across the world to have their holidays with you - you move, it's your responsibility to holiday back with your folk! Your move will hurt them emotionally, you shouldn't build in a financial hurt as well - some folk enjoy the travel, others for whatever reason can't or won't do it. I'm also, on reflection, inclined to disagree with the majority on the usefulness of Skype on either side. It was a damned sight easier without all this instant communication! Seeing something constantly from a distance that you can't have can be just as, if not more painful than being "out of sight out of mind". As a grandparent I find Skype next to useless with small grandchildren and know I will either have to visit them or pay for them to visit us as it was our decision to move away from them. I'd rather the odd phone call TBH and I doubt they would mind. The little one still can't work out why Mops lives in the box on the desk. From the slightly unsure migrant point of view, the constant picking at the scab of the life you left behind and watching your parallel life go on without you on the social media can be a real barrier to putting all your effort into living successfully in a foreign country! Again, it was much easier when out of sight was out of mind! yeah my mum used to cry a lot on skype, not deliberately just spontaneously, but she always wanted to skype anyway. When I lived in NZ and didn't know about skype I wondered what they looked like, if they had changed, got their hair done etc, so for me I love skype. But I suppose it is very personal, I used to always wonder how the 10 pound poms got on with so little communication back home Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I like Skype because when my daughter sends me flowers on mother's day, I can show them to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nursesam Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 Thank you all for your replies I really do appreciate it, it has helped me a lot. The tears have ceased for now at least! Fisher 1 it's really nice to hear it from a parent's perspective. I know my mum will understand and I hope when the move happens she will have a positive outlook on it like you do. Cairnzees - As everyone else is saying to me, you need to do what's right for you and your family and if Australia means a better and upbringing for your children it would be selfish not to go! I think as well the longer you wait the harder it is to go, something else always crops up and especially as children get older. For us even the thought of going in 1 year's time was hard and if I'm having wobbly moments now about it I think it would be more difficult nearer the time. If you can afford to go sooner then why wait? Sam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nikey Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 Thank you all for your replies I really do appreciate it, it has helped me a lot. The tears have ceased for now at least! Fisher 1 it's really nice to hear it from a parent's perspective. I know my mum will understand and I hope when the move happens she will have a positive outlook on it like you do. Cairnzees - As everyone else is saying to me, you need to do what's right for you and your family and if Australia means a better and upbringing for your children it would be selfish not to go! I think as well the longer you wait the harder it is to go, something else always crops up and especially as children get older. For us even the thought of going in 1 year's time was hard and if I'm having wobbly moments now about it I think it would be more difficult nearer the time. If you can afford to go sooner then why wait? Sam People talk about emigrating being an emotional rllercoaster. I guess this is that..... Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tea4too Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 Try not to be too hard on family struggling to cope with decisions they have no control over. It’s your dream, and perhaps a tall order to expect them to be happy for you and not miserable for themselves. I would guess that what they are losing weighs heavily against what you hope to achieve on the other side of the world. When my nephews were born I took it for granted I would see them grow up, but as young boys they moved to Aus and, though we remain in contact it isn’t the relationship I assumed it would be when they were born. If I’m selfishly honest I do feel that I lost a lot when they moved, so how much more difficult for grandparents, especially if they have a close and loving relationship with grandchildren before they move to the other side of the world. Of course you have to do what you think best for your own family unit but you can afford to be generous, after all you hold all the cards and the choices, decisions, excitement is all yours. Those of us left behind can only fix a smile and apologise when it slips. Tx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DSouzas Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 It's such an emotional time, when we talked about it initially my mom was upset but I think she thought it would never happen. Now we have 3 weeks before we fly, out furniture went today and my mom was even upset at seeing our empty house. She is really struggling at the moment and it's really hard as I'm excited to be moving to Perth but on the other hand I feel guilty as hell and find it really difficult watching my mom struggling, especially as we'll be taking her two young grand children away from her. I know though if we don't do it we will always regret it, it's better to try than always wonder what if. Good luck to everyone who will be making the move soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 Have you thought about making a plan for a visit before you leave? Our daughter left in the October and we had an outline plan of a visit for the following July when she left. We hadnt exactly bought the tickets but we knew how we were going to fund it and we knew the approx date. It made it so much easier saying 'see you in July' rather than 'see you sometime'. Not to be recommended is a 'last weekend' away. We were living outside the UK at the time and had a weekend in London together, ending in us dragging a massive suitcase full of all her crucial-but-not-that-crucial memorabilia onto the Eurostar on the Sunday evening. Lots of snivelling in the station which was then Waterloo. Ugh. Things that lightened the mood? Text messages. We didnt see her off at Heathrow, but got a string of text messages informing us of her progress, lots of xxx and loves. Then texts from around Sydney on the flat hunt. These days you could add photos. It really made me feel that it wasnt so far away - I could send a 'How's it going?' from the car outside my work in the morning and get a 'fine, just seen a lovely flat' back a minute later. Obviously we didnt do this every day, but just a couple of times a week were soothing, and funnily enough, now we have Skype, I miss them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 P.S. Have you suggested they sign up to this web site? I found it so hard having nobody to talk to - nobody can possibly understand except other parents who are in the same boat. My OH and I can't leave the UK for the forseeable future, but I still like to go on the parent's thread and find out as much as I can about visas etc. also just chewing the fat with others. They say misery loves company :biggrin: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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