jamiehg Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Hi there, I recently returned back to the uk 4 weeks ago, my wife has been in the uk for a short period of time before me due to losing 2 grandparents in recent months she naturally felt sad and helpless so coming back to uk for a short period of time was the right thing for her to do also our house that we rent out in the uk was trashed by previous owners so this needed sorting. anyway during this period my wife has settle back into life In the uk being around close friends and family and doesn't want to return to Perth with me. i am truly gutted as we have just spent two years settling into life in Perth, it definitely takes time and with small children it was a very stressful experience at the start, but we did settle eventually and Perth is a beautiful place to live and bring up children. I'm currently back in the uk on personal leave from my job to try and resolve the family crisis I am going through I am torn in two. On one side if the world I have my wife and two little boys who are aged 3&5 and don't want to return to perth and on the other side of the world I have everything I have ever wanted in my career. i want to be in Perth but the thought of leaving my wife and children really is not an option. I just wish she'd wanna return back to Perth too but sadly she doesn't, It makes me feel very very sad and a little resentful as I feel like I am throwing away so much that i have worked so hard for, i want to return to perth but at the same time I can't really leave my two little boys without their daddy. i really am torn in two at the moment. It not like Perth is just around the corner, its the other side of the world. Fortunately I have very understanding bosses in Perth who understand the situation but I'm struggling to cope with either letting go of Perth or letting go of my family for Long periods of time while I work in Perth. is it really an option To leave my family here in the uk and me living in the hope that one day they will return to Perth.....probably not as long distance relationships don't work. my wife is adamant that she will definitely will not return to Perth. Has anyone else had similar experiences? What do I do?? The truth is My head is so confused with what is going on. thanks jamie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quinkla Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 It makes me feel very very sad and a little resentful as I feel like I am throwing away so much that i have worked so hard for, i want to return to perth but at the same time I can't really leave my two little boys without their daddy. I am sorry you are in such a painful situation. Of course you are angry and upset and frustrated and a whole lot of other things. But you have answered your own question about what to do - you can't leave your two little boys without their daddy. At least you know what the outcome is going to be - now you have to find a way to get used to that and make it work for you, your wife and the boys. Hopefully the future will be good for you, even in the UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamiehg Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 Hi there, I recently returned back to the uk 4 weeks ago, my wife has been in the uk for a short period of time before me due to losing 2 grandparents in recent months she naturally felt sad and helpless so coming back to uk for a short period of time was the right thing for her to do also our house that we rent out in the uk was trashed by previous owners so this needed sorting. anyway during this period my wife has settle back into life In the uk being around close friends and family and doesn't want to return to Perth with me. i am truly gutted as we have just spent two years settling into life in Perth, it definitely takes time and with small children it was a very stressful experience at the start, but we did settle eventually and Perth is a beautiful place to live and bring up children. I'm currently back in the uk on personal leave from my job to try and resolve the family crisis I am going through I am torn in two. On one side if the world I have my wife and two little boys who are aged 3&5 and don't want to return to perth and on the other side of the world I have everything I have ever wanted in my career. i want to be in Perth but the thought of leaving my wife and children really is not an option. I just wish she'd wanna return back to Perth too but sadly she doesn't, It makes me feel very very sad and a little resentful as I feel like I am throwing away so much that i have worked so hard for, i want to return to perth but at the same time I can't really leave my two little boys without their daddy. i really am torn in two at the moment. It not like Perth is just around the corner, its the other side of the world. Fortunately I have very understanding bosses in Perth who understand the situation but I'm struggling to cope with either letting go of Perth or letting go of my family for Long periods of time while I work in Perth. is it really an option To leave my family here in the uk and me living in the hope that one day they will return to Perth.....probably not as long distance relationships don't work. my wife is adamant that she will definitely will not return to Perth. Has anyone else had similar experiences? What do I do?? The truth is My head is so confused with what is going on. thanks jamie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamiehg Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 Hi there thanks for the reply. I will find happiness again in the uk it just so hard letting to of what I've worked so hard for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the bottler Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I am so sorry to hear this ... I wish you luck ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bibbs Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I take you you BOTH made the decision to go to Aus? Now she's made the decision for the both of you to stay in the UK. Honestly sounds like she doesn't care about what you think. So you have two choices. So either you sack her off as being unreliable, or you stay in the UK let her make all the life choices for you both with no discussion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamiehg Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 Yep both made the decision to go, it was amazing at times and hard at times but we made it work, my future is there in perth but with kids I have to consider them and leaving them is not an option. Ill talk to her again and hopefully try and change her mind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bibbs Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I'd be very angry. The wife and I moved together. When we've had issues we've discussed them together. When we've made decisions, it's been together. If she then ran off without talking to me and held my family as black mail for me to do as she wants .. I'd be looking up hit-men in the phone book. She obviously doesn't see you as a part of the 'family'. You should just keep working hard and providing the money. She'll be alright. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fourcorners Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 When you talk to her, don't say things like 'my future is in perth' or 'our future is in Australia, it's better for the kids' etc. That will just put her on the defensive and make her less likely to come back. You talking like it's Australia or nothing is making her adamant she doesn't want to live there forever. You need to find a way to compromise. The only way I get back on a plane to Australia is because I know it isn't forever. If my partner turned round and told me we are staying in Australia forever and that I didn't have a choice about it, I would be back to the UK on the next plane with or without him! It effectively builds a cage, and no-one wants to get stuck in a cage (just like you don't want to get stuck in the 'UK cage'). The way to a compromise might be to suggest you carry on the Australian adventure for another year, then you'll consider moving back to the UK. For her, there needs to be light at the end of the tunnel, a chance to be in the UK as a whole family again, near her family. She might be viewing the flight back with a good deal of apprehension, not wanting to say goodbye to her family again after they have all been through a lot recently. You need to be a calm steady rock for her, as she definitely won't want to go back if you just try and bully and force her into it. If compromise still doesn't work, you have a big decision to make. In my experience, people are more important than places or money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VERYSTORMY Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 This is actually not unusual and we see it a fair bit on here. It boils down to what is more important to you. Perth or your wife and children. I disagree with Bibbs as people change and the recent experience your wife has gone through has simply made her realise that there is more to life than sunshine and that family and friends are important. I am sure she sees you as number 1. She probably didnt like Perth or being away from the UK as much as you thought - a lot of partners pretend everything is fine until it eventualy reaches a tipping point where they cant hide it any more. I am no big fan of Perth and would move back to the UK tomorrow. But, my wife loves Perth and so me want to be back in the UK is secondary as the love for my wife is number 1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamiehg Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 Very understanding, and quite true what you say. I'm gonna try a different approach to the situation, the all or nothing approach Is so wrong. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 People are more important than places. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bibbs Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 People are more important than places. Obviously the wife doesn't think the Husband counts as "people". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
travelchic Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Will she not consider staying in Perth until applying for citizenship. Then move back to the uk. That way you are free to return as a family at a later date and all of your hard work applying for a visa will not have been in vain. Debs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I don't usually respond to posts like these, but as a wife who has followed my husband to many places for over 30 years, moved at least every 2 years because of his job in the Air force then various airlines, I think your wife is in a difficult place right now. I assume she had almost settled in Perth, and has then gone back to UK for a sad time, been welcomed back by friends and family, and wished she had never left. I've been there, but as far as I was concerned my husband and family always came first. Not always an easy decision I can assure you, but I have got back on the train or plane and stayed with my husband, but admit I never gave him an ultimatum as I knew how he felt about his job. The strange thing is that when I got back it wasn't actually so bad after all, so perhaps as others have suggested, compromise is the answer. Say you understand her feelings, but could she please consider yours and return to Perth be it all for a limited time to give you both a breathing space. Give it a time limit, this would give you time to sort work out, perhaps have a job to go back to in UK, give Perth another chance. I'm not saying she will want to stay, but you never know she might, especially if you can arrange for her to be welcomed back. I know as an expat we wives were very conscious of the need to be welcomed back, and all made an effort to telephone and invite anyone round after leave, it really helped. I do hope you sort things out, it sounds so hard for you all at the moment, all the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Definitely aim for a compromise but realise, too, that for her to go to Perth and run the risk of being trapped there forever is a really substantial risk - you could equally turn around, as she has just done and say nope, we aren't leaving. What you, as a couple, have to work out is which one of you is going to be the sacrificial lamb in your relationship, which one of you has the intestinal fortitude to cope with it. What has happened is really unfortunate but perhaps she has been regretting the move for ages but just couldn't tell you. In the meantime maybe your solution is a long distance relationship - sure they can work if you want them to. A number of families have taken that pathway to an eventual move in one direction or another. Good luck, it must be a very difficult decision for both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronan20 Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I've been in this situation, and it was her family in the background that was turning her ear. I quitely and very carefully sorted them out first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Tough call mate. I think in your shoes I would be disappointed and angry but would have to stay with the wife and kids and give the UK a go. She might change her mind she might not. I guess you could go back on your own and hope she changes her mind and comes back. Whichever way it goes someone is going to be unhappy. Tough call mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Even if you stay in the UK, which I think you don't really have a choice now, your relationship is in deep trouble. I expect there will always be an undercurrent of resentment you will feel towards your wife for ruining your dream. This will be very hard to overcome, and you may not be able to do it. Counselling for you both may be helpful in working through this issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Very tricky situation. Maybe in her grief your wife is over reacting and just now she cannot see ahead at all- just wants to stay where she is comfortable. On the other had she may never have really settled in Perth in the first place and is using this an excuse. Who knows? Either way she should at least have a good discussion with you about the future. She is also using the kids as a bargaining chip which is not too good and sounds a bit like blackmail to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metoo Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I would go back to Australia for a while and see if she follows, you never know. You can always reconsider in a few weeks. very sad situation, hope it turns out ok for you. Metoo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellers and Whitehead Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 When you are away from family you 'just get on with it' but when re united you realise how much you miss them, able to laugh properly again, notice things you took for granted before moving, and with the loss of grandparents this will definitely make her assess what she wants iLife and what's important. If she wasn't working in oz/ didn't have a good support network this will have had a major impact on her settling. Talk openly about what you both want... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Ropey HOFF Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Really sorry to hear about this fella, best of luck and I hope it works out for you in the long run. But ...... If it doesn't, I haven't read all the posts and it might have been mentioned previously, unless I'm wrong with this, your children have to be returned to Australia under The Hague convention, I think that's what it's called. I am sure someone on here knows the full facts and how it works, but apparently legally she has taken your children out of the country and kept them out without your consent, which is illegal under Australian law and she will be forced to return them, but that will be something to look at if all other avenues have been exhausted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I'm not sure that would apply in this case Hoff. He didn't say she went to the UK without his permission. It was agreed she go in the first place, but now doesn't want to return. I'm not sure Hague covers this but maybe it does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Ropey HOFF Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I'm not sure that would apply in this case Hoff.He didn't say she went to the UK without his permission. It was agreed she go in the first place, but now doesn't want to return. I'm not sure Hague covers this but maybe it does. I think he agreed for a visit to the UK, not to stay permanently, I'm not certain but I would assume, she is keeping the children out of Australia illegally. I am sure someone will know on here and it will have to be as a last resort thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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