Guest guest68546 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Not sure if I explain myself right, so apologies in advance Your unhappy with your life in Oz and expect your husband to leave even though he is enjoying it but he can't expect you to try and give it longer to see how it goes, 8mths isn't long enough. How much would he resent you for doing this and you resenting him. My husband has said to me, if we go then we will never move back as we would not be able to afford to do that, so at least I know that in advance. If you haven't migrated before you won't have any idea of the emotions involved until you have actually made the move and living the life in another country many thousands of miles away from family and support. They are different emotions from making the visa application. Make sure you have a back-up plan in advance of moving; whether that means keeping the UK house for 12 months or having some cash set aside for emergencies, have something. As harsh as it sounds, it may also mean, if it is allowable, having a pre-emigration contract agreement in place on who has custody of the kids in the event of splitting. My impression of reading this site for only a short period of time is that migration isn't kind on families who split. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Despardo Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 (edited) Hi Moonwalker, I was in the same position as yourself, I arrived in Oz back in 2010, 8 months in then the homesick started to sink in. I came for hubby's job & chance of a lifetime. We brought a 16 year old and my daughter who was then 8. I wanted to go home after 8 months crying as everyday went by. I stayed an extra year down under, but very unhappy. My husband loved Australia having his expanded family close at hand. I however lost my father in the UK while out in OZ. I made my mind up that after 2 years enough was enough I boarded the plane only 6 weeks ago with my daughter and now have no regrets. My son is still in Oz until his HSC exams finishes but will return in November. My husband is currently looking for work in the middle east when he returns with my Son. It's not exactly how I imagined my life to turn out, but I know exactly how you feel.I gave it my all after 2 years, but had to come to a decision. my Daughter is very happy back at her old school with all her friends. I have just enrolled on a college course, It took a lot of guts that day to walk on the plane more than it would to stay in a country that I didn't feel I belong. I hope you can sort things out together. Good luck Edited September 17, 2012 by Despardo Spelling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jgt Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Lambeth lad is right .uk is finished, think it thru, all the best Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blobby1000 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Lambeth lad is right .uk is finished, think it thru, all the best For the benefit of all, could you explain why the UK is finished? Also, why do you think Australia will be preferable? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cki2011 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Good advice Blobby, I don't fully agree with the first part, her husband shouldn't just agree to go back to the UK after such a short period of time to make her happy, he is probably digging his heels in, because it's no time at all, not that your saying exactly this, but I think the second part is sound advice, give it another year or so and try to make friends, find a little job, join a club, etc. At least give it a proper go and if you still feel the same, then sit down with your husband and tell him you want to go back, at least you will have tried and you will have given it enough time and if your husband loves you and your children which I am sure he does, I am confident he will do what he should to make you happy. Best of luck. Maybe the move has just highlighted people want different things in life.... if he wants to stay and she wants to go so much where it is at the point where they are thinking of splitting up then maybe that is the right thing to do.... if she is so sure now why waste another year to be at the same place as now.... i know what you are saying about giving it time but sometimes it is just down to people wanting different things.... (why stay or go to make someone else happy)....and how much would they resent each other if they force the other one to do what they dont want to.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whichway1 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 (edited) Oh what a horrible situation. There are good points though, you have started to make some friends (which isn't easy) and your children are happy either way. My husband was kind of the same, he would not come home with me and somehow I managed to stay 5 years. Although in the end I didn't have to, I was at the point where I absolutely would have left my husband, I was so unhappy and I didn't feel at all like he cared about my unhappiness. I don't understand how your husband can be so happy in Oz if you are not? All I can say is maybe things will settle for you and if not I think you will know for sure when you have had enough. It sounds like you have the support of your children which is another good thing. It is so hard and no one can tell you what to do but I found that getting stuff off my chest on the forum helped me with the decision making. I feel for you so much x x Edited September 17, 2012 by whichway1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blobby1000 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Maybe the move has just highlighted people want different things in life.... if he wants to stay and she wants to go so much where it is at the point where they are thinking of splitting up then maybe that is the right thing to do.... if she is so sure now why waste another year to be at the same place as now.... i know what you are saying about giving it time but sometimes it is just down to people wanting different things.... (why stay or go to make someone else happy)....and how much would they resent each other if they force the other one to do what they dont want to.... You cant just split up! It is possible to work through problems in a marriage you know! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cki2011 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 You cant just split up! It is possible to work through problems in a marriage you know! It is a tough one after 8 months of being unhappy it would be enough for me to decide....and i would have to respect the oh if she came and told me she wanted to go home if she wasnt happy but if i was happy there and didnt want to go home then what is the option.... you cant just keep giving it more time.... another year is an awful long time to be unhappy they are both adults and sounds like they already know where they would be happier living....its not nice but splitting up isnt the end of the world life will go on.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buttercup Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 This makes me laugh when people come out with statements like 'this country is finished', 'gone to the dogs' blah blah blah... yawn... Come on we are not talking about the middle east here or the favellas of Brazil - for gods sake! I know it's not all rosy but here, but where is??? Life is often what you make it anyway. I do feel for the OP. Also, another thing is this flippin timescale of how long one should give it? How long is a piece of string? I think it is always very difficult to advise on this as it is such an individual thing. Very tricky and very difficult to continue doing something your really not enjoying. Unless you have been there, you really are playing devils advocate advising some sort of time frame. It really is not that simple. Some people just need their feelings validated. It is ok to feel like crap sometimes...... it is also important that people have a plan b should they choose to come back. You only have one life, and happiness is important. Not having belly laughed for a while is something I can identify with and all the sun, nice beaches and barbies in the world will not solve this.... It might p**s down with rain a lot here, but it's a dam sight better than having your own black cloud hanging over you... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blobby1000 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Yeah I agree with buttercup. I think if you know you know... The reason I think a timescale is sensible here is because the other option appears to be splitting up. If all parties agree after 6 months that they want to go home I cant see why that would be anyone elses business but their own. We are having some strange comments being thrown our way by friends in the UK and family because we are coming back after 2 years "you do realise its such and such here dont you" (well actually I lived there for 36 years so yes I do!!!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buttercup Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Yeah I agree with buttercup. I think if you know you know... The reason I think a timescale is sensible here is because the other option appears to be splitting up. If all parties agree after 6 months that they want to go home I cant see why that would be anyone elses business but their own. We are having some strange comments being thrown our way by friends in the UK and family because we are coming back after 2 years "you do realise its such and such here dont you" (well actually I lived there for 36 years so yes I do!!!) Granted, theirs is a delicate situation and that would be awful to split up. Sometimes these situations have a way of working themselves out and who knows, may even bring them closer in the end? Re your families and friends comments - snap! We had all that too, interestingly the strongest comments came from people like my mum who has only been to Spain once and needed Temazepam just to get on the plane! Ha ha... As they say 'nowt stranger than folk'! I have found that the words 'well at least we had the guts to try it' usually does the trick. :wink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blobby1000 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Its usually people that have never tried it that feel they are in a position to judge what life is like here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cki2011 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Its usually people that have never tried it that feel they are in a position to judge what life is like here! I dont think it matters what country to and from it isnt about which country if someone is clearly unhappy and feels they need to move after 8 months then maybe that is what they need to do.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buttercup Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 People who have strong opinions about what a country is like, how long you should stay etc and who have never been there are a weird breed - in my humble opinion. If I had a pound for every person I had met who uttered the words 'oh we were going to emigrate' or 'I wish I could of done that', I would be very rich indeedy! My answer of course is, if you wanted to do it that much, what the hell stopped you? You of course!!! Tis true...... If you want something bad enough, flippin well get on with it! Then you will be in a position to share your opinion with others. If this whole experience has taught me one thing (in amongst all the others), it is to actually not to care what others think and do what I want to do. You must walk your own path in this life, even if it means straying from the mainstream. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 OP I do empathise with you, and appreciate you must be in an awful place right now. Before I say more, it is unrealistic for anyone to advise you as we dont know what type of relationship you and your husband have or had prior to leaving, whether this is predicatable behaviour or not. Personally for me I believe 2 people need to want as close to the same thing as possible to make something work. Moving to OZ you both did - together (again I dont know your circumstances -maybe duress or not?) Now you need to return - he doesnt- what was your plan around this? Your kids are neutral on the decision...to me that speaks volumes.....similar to mummy and to daddy. Possibly stick out on the basis of majority wins? Listen you changed the kids life to go there, give it another while at least to reduce confusion on the kids behalf. Your post is a lesson to us all/..... have an agreed timeframe and plan B (where poss) good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJ Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 This isnt going to be much help but I think you both need your heads banging together - talking about splitting up because neither of you are willing to give in! You have to make compromises in a marriage. To be honest your post seems all about what you want. Am not saying you should give in and stay but why should your husband just give in to you and go home, then he will be miserable? And what about the kids? Having to live without their Dad. Its a lot harder being a single parent! Hundreds of people would love to have the opportunity to live here but cant. It takes a while to get used to new things and places and it sounds that you have decided you dont want to be happy here and are not willing to try. Not what you want to hear I know but surely your family means more to you than just giving it up after 8 months cos you dont like where you are living. I think you need to do a lot more talking as a couple - remember for better or worse! Hope it all works out for you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moonwalker Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Thanks to everyone for all your advice and support. Can I just say its not about giving in. Neither myself or my husband is being stubborn or pig headed here. Its about how we feel and where we want to be. Marriage isn't something I would just walk away from and being without my husband isn't something I would do lightly or easily. I don't expect my husband to go home if he wont be happy there and we have discussed this as he would live feeling resentful of me for dragging him back. I appreciate that hundreds of people would love this opportunity and cant and Im not disputing that fact but as I have said its not for me. I havn't decided to be unhappy. Why on earth would anyone do that????? I am working every day, I have been out with mums from school, I have joined a gym, I go running with a mum I have met, I have a couple of friends I go for lunch with. My sons are in the local soccer team and go to tennis lessons. They are due to start swimming lessons soon. I am on the P&C. I am making an effort to get into the way of life here and get myself a life. My family is the world to me but me being so low and miserable here and not being the light hearted, positive person I have always been isn't helping my marriage either. We started to application process nearly 4 years ago and would have been here sooner which may have helped me to want to give it more time but due to my eldest son being in secondary in the uk and here being so far behind in education I need to make the move sooner rather that later for his sake or he will be playing catch up. (If thats what I am going to do) The last thing I want is an education debate or any debate. I just needed helpful advice and some support. Im not seeking sympathy and yes my post was about me as I am the one that needs the advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greggers68 Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Hi Moonwalker,Really sorry to hear your situation and I do understand what you are saying, Ialso understand your husband’s views. Have you thought of having a long periodof time back in the UK with friends or family, to see if it's what you reallywant. I left skill with no quals, however, I have had a good career andcompleted plenty of qualifications since leaving, so I would not worry too much abouteducation as long as they get a good grounding with it. Children are resilientand some blossom better after school. I do hope you make the right choice and it all works out for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sol2Oz Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Why is Britain finished? Right - for the people who keep saying the UK is finished, would you mind at least expressing why and give tangible evidence where we can all see it for ourselves instead of just typing gibberish on a forum? I'd like to know myself how Oz is better (economically - if that's what you mean) than the UK or any other country that is supposedly going to the dogs for that matter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob1 Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Sorry but if you don't want an education debate then don't come out with such sweeping statements as "and here being so far behind in education". If it was that bad then we'd all be on the next plane home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Why not set yourself some small targets? I realise you feel leaving it longer would disadvantage your son, but really, it's not like he's in the final years of school - kids are very resilient and the Australian school system may be different and have different focusses (focii?) but it's very much a swings and roundabouts thing so you'd probably find he'd be behind in some things but ahead in others if you went back. How about deciding in your head that you will give it a full year here, then reconsider your position? Once you get to the end of that year, sit down and have the discussion again, and perhaps book a holiday back to the UK to see if you still feel the same? I know it's easy for those of us that have been here a long time, but it is really very very common to feel the worse homesickness here in the first eighteen months, and once you've got past that it does get easier and easier on an almost daily basis! Just keep taking one day at a time, you sound like you're doing all the right things, but don't expect to feel settled after such a short length of time - emigrating really is like some sort of bereavement and if a close family member died, you wouldn't expect to have got over that as quickly as eight months. You are mourning your previous life, you have to go through the mourning process, but if you can stick it out, you will come out the other side eventually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VERYSTORMY Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 I can sympathise with how you feel. We didnt come with the big dream of a move to Oz. It was simply another job offer in a part of the world that we hadnt yet tried. After 4 years i know that how you feel does change both for the better and worse. I have had times where i not only wanted to go home, but despised Oz. I dont really know why and that is from someone who has lived in other countries. It is a difficult one to resolve and i do think there is an element of truth in what your husband is saying as if you force him back to the UK, he is probably just going to resent you and things between you are not going to be the same. But, if you stay here, you will end up resenting him for keeping you where you are miserable. Therefore, this may be a situation that cannot be resolved well. I do think it is worth, just for the sake of the marriage, giving it a little longer. I would try to come to an agreement with your husband along the lines that you will stay for another 6 months. But, you want to discuss it again then if you are still unhappy and agree that at that point you will both attend some marriage guidance. This wont probably be to save the situation, but to very possibly walk you both through a break up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metoo Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Once you make a decision to uproot your family, lock stock and barrel and make the biggest move you could possibly make then I think you have a certain obligation to try and make it work. The fact that your husband and sons are happy in their new country (which you chose for them) means that you are now in a minority of one. If you decide now to return to the uk you will not be going home, you will be leaving home. your home is where your family are and at the moment that place is Australia. The UK is just another place where you used to live. Until you change your mindset and realise that YOU ARE ALREADY HOME you will never settle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moonwalker Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Sorry but if you don't want an education debate then don't come out with such sweeping statements as "and here being so far behind in education". If it was that bad then we'd all be on the next plane home.[/QUOTI I didn't come on here for a debate. I came on asking for help and advise and to hear if other people had been in the situation Im in right now and if or how it was resolved. Its this kind of thing that puts people off posting on these forums. Im in a very down phase in my life and its good to talk to others who are impartial and bear no judgement only offer there point of view without being argumentative. If I wanted a debate on education I would start a new post. I worked in primary in the uk and now I work in primary here and have also gotten to know other teachers from all over. Here is behind the uk take it from me first hand and not from some poll or survey you have read. Im not saying they dont achieve the same standards in the end but from the beginning to the end of primary they havn't learnt as much as they would have learnt being in a school in the uk. I dont live in a poorer area and working in different schools has shown me that this is the same situation everywhere. So I know for sure that if i stay here another year my son will miss out on a year of secondary education and find it difficult to catch up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northshorepom Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Once you make a decision to uproot your family, lock stock and barrel and make the biggest move you could possibly make then I think you have a certain obligation to try and make it work. The fact that your husband and sons are happy in their new country (which you chose for them) means that you are now in a minority of one. If you decide now to return to the uk you will not be going home, you will be leaving home. your home is where your family are and at the moment that place is Australia. The UK is just another place where you used to live. Until you change your mindset and realise that YOU ARE ALREADY HOME you will never settle. Bit harsh. Have you not actually read the OP's posts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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