Guest moonwalker Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I could really do with some help and advice from people. We have been in Perth now for 8 months and I have tried so hard to settle here but its not getting any easier. To be honest it gets worse every day. My sons are happy here but they are happy to go home again as we had a good life back in the uk. My husband point blank wont go back and has told me if I do he isn't coming with us, so if I go I will be taking my children and going back to the uk alone. I dont want to do this as I will be splitting up my family and I do love my husband but the thought of staying here is starting to feel like a prison sentence now. Im living in a beautiful place here but there is nothing here for me. There is alot less than we had in the uk and I find myself getting bored and struggling with ideas to entertain my boys. I go to the beach but that starts to wear thin. I have joined a gym, have been out with some of the mums, have a couple of friends here and work but I still can't settle. My eldest son would have been starting secondary school in September and I feel that if i leave it any longer he will never catch up as the education system here is quite far behind the uk (I work in education so see this first hand daily). My husband has never been happier since being here but Im really not and cant remember the last time I proper belly laughed. Ive lost part of myself since being here and feel like Im becoming a very unhappy person. To coin a phrase Im losing my mojo. What do I do?? Do i go back on my own and be a single mum struggling with bills but my sons would have friends and family around them and a better education, hopefully a happier mum but a visiting dad. Theres also the housing aspect as I alone wouldn't get a large mortgage and dont want to live in rented forever. After the move here we dont have alot left so I dont have a big deposit to put down. My husband has a good job so would be able to visit them every couple of months but he would hate me for taking them and I would feel terrible for leaving him. I really am in a bad place here and feel that whatever I do now I will be losing something but the thought of going home is like a dream. I want to go back so badly. Please give me some advice here as I really am in a dilemma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaska Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 So sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I really hope you and your husband can talk about it more and find a way for you to all be together. Are you on a PR visa? The reason I ask is that leaving with the kids (if your husband doesn't agree) isn't simple if you are due to the Hague Convention. I really feel for you. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moonwalker Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Thanks for replying Alaska. My husband wont dispute me having our children as he knows they are better off with me due to his work committments and I have also been the primary carer for them. We have talked and talked it through. He misses nothing about home at all and I miss everything all the time. I would try and give it slightly longer but the longer I leave it the more my sons will need to catch up in school. I also could possibly get back into my old school if I went back sooner rather than later but I dont want to leave my husband. Its not something I will do lightly but Im sinking fast here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sumbler Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Thanks for replying Alaska. My husband wont dispute me having our children as he knows they are better off with me due to his work committments and I have also been the primary carer for them. We have talked and talked it through. He misses nothing about home at all and I miss everything all the time. I would try and give it slightly longer but the longer I leave it the more my sons will need to catch up in school. I also could possibly get back into my old school if I went back sooner rather than later but I dont want to leave my husband. Its not something I will do lightly but Im sinking fast here. Hi, I was really sorry to read your post....are you SOR or NOR? We too have been in Perth 8 months SOR, the past month I have had wobbles...mainly education...we moved our girls from a fantastic village school...they are 8 and 6. Where in the uk are you from? Are you craving family and friends?...if you are SOR would be happy to meet up for a rant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Polkey Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Sorry, I have absolutely no constructive advice to give you... I just wanted to say how much I feel for you and your horrendous situation. You must feel so confused and distressed. Sending you courage and strength and a big hug. I hope you and OH can come to some sort of agreement or compromise xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumoffour Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Have you talked it through with anyone back home? When we first moved to Dubai I was on the computer twice one click away from booking flights home for me and the kids but I decided I would make it work and that our family is stronger together - also I have 4 kids all quite young and so being a single mom to them was incredibly off putting. Does your hubby realise quite how serious you are about this? He may think you're just having a moan??? Also saying he won't stop the kids going is very different to actually waving them off at the airport to the other side of the world and he may well change his mind and the legalities aren't on your side I believe. Having a husband on the other side of the world may work for a year or two but as a long term plan? I feel that 8 months is not that long to settle in and that you should shelve thinking about going "home" because that may well be hindering your settling. Can you start a course or do some volunteering - to make you commit to a time span for the future? I really hope you can work this out x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnaross Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I could really do with some help and advice from people. We have been in Perth now for 8 months and I have tried so hard to settle here but its not getting any easier. To be honest it gets worse every day. My sons are happy here but they are happy to go home again as we had a good life back in the uk. My husband point blank wont go back and has told me if I do he isn't coming with us, so if I go I will be taking my children and going back to the uk alone. What a horrible dilemma but is really it is something you must work out with your husband as a team. If you go back alone it will not be the easy life you left behind because money and housing worries will take the gloss off it. Why not tell your husband you will give it 6 more months and then if you feel the same he must come back to England with you. You will have given it a fair go and your husband must realise the family is more important as a unit than a life in Australia on his own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobo81 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Hi, so sorry to hear of your situation. I do know what it's like to not have settled and just want to go home. The fact that your contemplating doing this even without your husband means you must be so unhappy right now. I can imagine, when you are feeling so fragile and your husband is simply putting his foot down that you are both probably just going round and round in circles and not having many constructive conversations. This is probably not going to do you , your husband or kids any good at all. Is it at all possible to take some time out, a trip home with your kids to give you both a little bit of breathing and thinking space?I know this isn't always possible because of finances, schooling etc but if it was in an attempt to save your relationship it may be worth it in the long term. You said your husband would be able to visit regularly if you went back alone so perhaps he could go back after a few weeks of you being over there to discuss the future? You may feel a bit stronger and clearer then, after having some support from home and will be able to have a more productive chat about what you both want. Sending you lots of positive thoughts, I hope you guys sort something out xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambethlad Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Think clearly. Britain is finished. We should all give thanks to the early British settlers and ten pound pound poms who built this country from nothing. Stick it out, homesickness will pass. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Crappy situation to be in I'm truly sorry your husband isn't wanting to move back to the UK with you. I can't imagine how it must feel having your partner put a place before family. Nothing means more to me than family and I'd move heaven and earth to make sure as a family unit we are all happy with where we are, even if its not our dream place or exactly where one of us wants to be at that time. Its about compromise and give and take. Was your husband that unhappy or hated the UK or where you lived that much he would never consider returning if it means saving your marriage and being there to see his kids grow up and be there for them? Can I ask, did you really want to move to Aus or was it something you did because hubby wanted to move there? If you were not keen in the first place it can make you feel all the more unsettled. Also did you and hubby discuss a plan B if one or the other of you or the kids failed to settle and were unhappy? Hubby and I have both said that if either of us is truly unhappy in Aus after we've had a good settling in period of time then we would consider options to return to the UK or move elsewhere. Splitting the family up is never an option and even if one of us was loving life in Aus, we are both happy in the UK and know it wouldn't be a disaster to return. You say there is nothing in Aus for you, on a personal level for your life and day to day happiness outside of family then I can understand that. But you do have your family with you and I'd take heart in that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob1 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 8 months is not a good settling in period though. Stick it out at least a year, even two - it takes a while before you don't feel like a fish out of water. It's great that you've joined a gym and some work. Where are you living - may be we can suggest for things you can do with the boys? Swimming lessons once a week would be one thing - every child does that! See what else you can join, spend time exploring, go window shopping so you understand what the shops sell, read the paper every day, listen to local radio - all these little things help you feel like you belong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northshorepom Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 What a horrible situation I think for many, it's the thought that being away from home is for ever that is the killer. If you can possibly discuss it with your OH and try and come to a sensible agreement about how long you'll give it - maybe 18 months, maybe 2 years - and if you still feel the same then you'll all go back together. For lots of people it's the agreement that it doesn't have to be for ever that makes the difference and makes it bearable. And then from bearable you might get to enjoy it I like living here but I don't love it and I don't have any intention of staying for good. Knowing we'll go home sometime means we can really enjoy our time here, which we do. If I thought there was no way back, I think I would find it very hard I wish you all the luck in the world, but really try and work this one through with your OH and try and make it work as a family. Tough decisions and tough times are much easier to handle as part of a team, it can carry you through the bad stuff without getting lost Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carajg Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Hi Sorry you are feeling this way at the moment, I second what others are saying, give it a wee bit longer and you may feel differently. I'm interested on your thoughts in the education system, you say Oz is way behind the Uk, in what way? Can you give me some specifics as this is a major concern of mine. Thanks Cara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I think you should try to give it longer and show that you gave it a fair crack. Say another year? But your OH is being unreasonable too, I always have thought if one person really hates it that the other has to relent and go back to what they always have known rather than have the other stay in a foreign land. You need to make a deal with him over how long you give it a go. If he says no deal ever, then you have to question a man who puts living in a country before his wife and kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northshorepom Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 ^Well and concisely said Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blobby1000 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I could really do with some help and advice from people. We have been in Perth now for 8 months and I have tried so hard to settle here but its not getting any easier. To be honest it gets worse every day. My sons are happy here but they are happy to go home again as we had a good life back in the uk. My husband point blank wont go back and has told me if I do he isn't coming with us, so if I go I will be taking my children and going back to the uk alone. I dont want to do this as I will be splitting up my family and I do love my husband but the thought of staying here is starting to feel like a prison sentence now. Im living in a beautiful place here but there is nothing here for me. There is alot less than we had in the uk and I find myself getting bored and struggling with ideas to entertain my boys. I go to the beach but that starts to wear thin. I have joined a gym, have been out with some of the mums, have a couple of friends here and work but I still can't settle. My eldest son would have been starting secondary school in September and I feel that if i leave it any longer he will never catch up as the education system here is quite far behind the uk (I work in education so see this first hand daily). My husband has never been happier since being here but Im really not and cant remember the last time I proper belly laughed. Ive lost part of myself since being here and feel like Im becoming a very unhappy person. To coin a phrase Im losing my mojo. What do I do?? Do i go back on my own and be a single mum struggling with bills but my sons would have friends and family around them and a better education, hopefully a happier mum but a visiting dad. Theres also the housing aspect as I alone wouldn't get a large mortgage and dont want to live in rented forever. After the move here we dont have alot left so I dont have a big deposit to put down. My husband has a good job so would be able to visit them every couple of months but he would hate me for taking them and I would feel terrible for leaving him. I really am in a bad place here and feel that whatever I do now I will be losing something but the thought of going home is like a dream. I want to go back so badly. Please give me some advice here as I really am in a dilemma. I'm going to be outspoken here, and I dont know your whole situation. But.... If you are unhappy your husband should do what he needs to do to make you happy. I would suggets a compromise. Agree to give it one more year and if you remain unhappy in 12 months then you will go home. Your husband really should go with you! Surely any family moving here, the understanding should be that in order to remain here you ALL need to want to stay...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blobby1000 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Hi Sorry you are feeling this way at the moment, I second what others are saying, give it a wee bit longer and you may feel differently. I'm interested on your thoughts in the education system, you say Oz is way behind the Uk, in what way? Can you give me some specifics as this is a major concern of mine. Thanks Cara And mine, its a reason we are going home (but we have no hard evidence) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob1 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 well here's some - http://www.guardian.co.uk/news/datablog/2010/dec/07/world-education-rankings-maths-science-reading Aus way ahead of the UK. the problem is lots of Poms leave their nice neighborhoods and move to Perth and because the rents are so high, they settle in the new estates in the poorer suburbs. You check out all the primary schools around SecretHarbour/Rockingham/Butler etc and most are performing below the National average - some significantly so. The my school website http://www.myschool.edu.au/ will give you the socio economic stats of each area and it's a sad fact of life that poorer suburbs have poorer schools. So then the new person gets the warped impression that the whole education system is down the pan and they were better off in the UK. They may well have been but don't presume that it is the whole education that is bad. The stats show that Oz is doing well in terms of educational outcomes - but you're not going to get that impression if your kids go to some of the poorer schools in WA. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 It's so hard and I'm afraid however much I want to stay here if my OH wanted to return I would go (reluctantly) with him, because no one/place or thing is important as family. Have you tried marriage guidance mainly to get him to look at this seriously, I'd even try going away with the kids over the next holidays and see how much he misses you all. Lots of hugs :hug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest jckc Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Hi, we lasted just under 6 months. My wife and step-son wanted to go back to the uk but i liked perth. Anyway after months of them moaning at me i finally gave in and we came back. I still miss perth and i feel it was unfair on me, to make me come back after only 6 months, not giving it a good go! I still go on about it to them all the time and i do feel wronged and not just financially. So here i am, 4 years later in depressing England still thinking about what might, could or should have been.............. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sol2Oz Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 My husband point blank wont go back and has told me if I do he isn't coming with us, so if I go I will be taking my children and going back to the uk alone. I'm sorry, but to me that sounds horrendous. If I were married and my husband told me something like this, I'd wonder if he really loved me (or even the children!). I cannot see how a job or even a place of being would be better than family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
russ and claire Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Not sure if I explain myself right, so apologies in advance Your unhappy with your life in Oz and expect your husband to leave even though he is enjoying it but he can't expect you to try and give it longer to see how it goes, 8mths isn't long enough. How much would he resent you for doing this and you resenting him. My husband has said to me, if we go then we will never move back as we would not be able to afford to do that, so at least I know that in advance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blobby1000 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Think clearly. Britain is finished. We should all give thanks to the early British settlers and ten pound pound poms who built this country from nothing. Stick it out, homesickness will pass. Why is Britain finished? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Ropey HOFF Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 (edited) I'm going to be outspoken here, and I dont know your whole situation. But.... If you are unhappy your husband should do what he needs to do to make you happy. I would suggets a compromise. Agree to give it one more year and if you remain unhappy in 12 months then you will go home. Your husband really should go with you! Surely any family moving here, the understanding should be that in order to remain here you ALL need to want to stay...... Good advice Blobby, I don't fully agree with the first part, her husband shouldn't just agree to go back to the UK after such a short period of time to make her happy, he is probably digging his heels in, because it's no time at all, not that your saying exactly this, but I think the second part is sound advice, give it another year or so and try to make friends, find a little job, join a club, etc. At least give it a proper go and if you still feel the same, then sit down with your husband and tell him you want to go back, at least you will have tried and you will have given it enough time and if your husband loves you and your children which I am sure he does, I am confident he will do what he should to make you happy. Best of luck. Edited September 17, 2012 by The Ropey HOFF Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blobby1000 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Agreed. But he should listen to her at least. But yes, amother year would be a good compromise (its easy for me to give advice being that I am the perfect husband!!!!!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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