I'm so stressed... to go back, right or wrong decision?

[Rainman]

We've been talking about moving back to the UK for a few years now and have decided to do it next year. It's the same old expat story, I'm very homesick, have no feeling of belonging here and sick of the xenophobic shite coming out of Australian politicians' mouths.

I desperately miss being with my family in the UK even though we usually end up arguing when we're together! As each year passes I struggle with the fact I'm so far from my Dad and siblings, my Dad's 79, my brother and sister and me are in our 50's. It's hard seeing them having aged a bit more each time I go back for a visit. Not to mention my kids are missing out on spending time with their cousins, who are now in their early 20's. There are many other reasons why I want to go back but of course family is the primary reason.

I have been fortunate that my old firm have been keeping a job open for me in the hope I would return but they said recently, they can't hold it open much longer. I've only got until June next year to come over, otherwise the door shuts. It's a good job, doing what I do now, in a sought after specialized field and the pay's not bad, close to 40,000 pounds with overtime. This is my last chance to get back home knowing I've got a job when I get there, which is important as my wife needs a Spouse Visa. I feel we have to go, I can't miss this opportunity. Plus, the recent bounce in the Aussie dollar against the pound thanks to the Brexit vote has made it possible to get quite a bit more for our money than compared to last year. Who knows how long it will last, so I feel this is the time to take advantage. So, the house is on the market, we had an offer fairly quickly which we accepted though it wasn't quite as much as we had hoped. We're waiting for it to go unconditional, so it could still fall over. But once sold, the plan is to move into a rental for 6 months get rid of the stuff we don't need, then I go over to start work and find a place over there. A couple of months later the wife and kids come. Sounds straight forward enough...

 

The problem is I am seriously stressing out that it is going to be a massive mistake. In my heart it's the right decision to go but when I think about it too much I come up with so many reasons not to go I just don't know what to do:

 

Reason no.1 - We won't have as much money as we would have liked to buy a decent house remotely close to where I'll be working. I'm hoping we'll end up with up to 150,000 pounds as a deposit (if the exchange rate stays where it is).

 

2. Our 19 yo daughter loves it here but is willing to come back with us because she loves her Parents more and couldn't bear being away from us. I am so worried she'll absolutely hate it living there and will come to resent me for making her come back. Of course, she could always go back to Oz eventually but then my wife will resent me, I'm in a no win situation!

 

3. Our son is in year 10, but will be 16 when we return, so not sure if he would be able to go to 6th form college without us paying international fees (have to be resident in the UK for 3 years). I'm worried sick he won't be able to do any further education over there and end up in some dead end job for the rest of his life - because of me.

 

4. We have a good life here. We have (until its sold) a lovely large home lots of space in a good area. I have a well paid job and my wife has a job she loves and only needs to work 3 days a week. I have an easy drive to work against the rush hour traffic, zero stress when I'm there. Once in the UK it's likely my wife will be on a zero hours contract, working 5 days a week for crap money and I'll be stuck in a bedsit 5 days a week as the drive to work is too far because we can't live closer and my work in London will be stressville.

 

Is it enough to risk the happiness of my wife and kids and our quality of life for my selfish reasons of wanting to be back in the land of my birth because I'm homesick and want to spend the time remaining with my Dad and siblings?

 

I'm the first one to admit I am a worrier, and tend to think of the worst case scenario happening. I'd be grateful to hear your thoughts, especially from those who have gone home with teenage kids.

 

Thanks.

[JockinTas]

If you're desperate to go back and as you say you and your wife have been talking about moving back for a few years now just do it - especially if you have a job to go to. If your wife is just as keen to return that's a big bonus. It will be an adventure for your son and daughter too.

 

I'll leave it to returnees with teenage kids to give advice.

[VERYSTORMY]

First, I don't understand the "lets wait till next year" thing. I see no point in that. But, I am someone that made the decision on a Tuesday and flew Saturday.

 

Second, I think worrying about what a 19 year old will do is pointless. She is an adult and may stay in the UK, move back to Oz or move somewhere totally different - the world is a big place. Even if you stayed in Oz, she could end up in the UK, the USA or anywhere in between.

 

I cant comment on your son other than I think there are plenty of schools that include 16-18 and would get around international fees.

 

Why would your wife be on a zero hours contract? The job market is very good here.

 

The one thing I will say about your prospective job is that first, 40k in London is crap and why work in London? It might be a good short term thing to take, but I see no reason to consider it long term. I took a job in the south east when we initially came back and it was very useful to set us up, but I was very glad to leave and in my experience I can only count about 3 occupations that really require someone to work there and one of them is the Queen and another politicians. So, I would be looking at roles in nice areas of the country that are more affordable. For example, there are many nice areas where 150k would buy you either outright or pretty close to - my best friend recently bought a brand new 4 bedroom house in a lovely village in Leicestershire for just over 200k. I am currently renting a stunning cottage in an amazing conservation village and could buy it for 130k.

[CJT]

We've been talking about moving back to the UK for a few years now and have decided to do it next year. It's the same old expat story, I'm very homesick, have no feeling of belonging here and sick of the xenophobic shite coming out of Australian politicians' mouths.

I desperately miss being with my family in the UK even though we usually end up arguing when we're together! As each year passes I struggle with the fact I'm so far from my Dad and siblings, my Dad's 79, my brother and sister and me are in our 50's. It's hard seeing them having aged a bit more each time I go back for a visit. Not to mention my kids are missing out on spending time with their cousins, who are now in their early 20's. There are many other reasons why I want to go back but of course family is the primary reason.

I have been fortunate that my old firm have been keeping a job open for me in the hope I would return but they said recently, they can't hold it open much longer. I've only got until June next year to come over, otherwise the door shuts. It's a good job, doing what I do now, in a sought after specialized field and the pay's not bad, close to 40,000 pounds with overtime. This is my last chance to get back home knowing I've got a job when I get there, which is important as my wife needs a Spouse Visa. I feel we have to go, I can't miss this opportunity. Plus, the recent bounce in the Aussie dollar against the pound thanks to the Brexit vote has made it possible to get quite a bit more for our money than compared to last year. Who knows how long it will last, so I feel this is the time to take advantage. So, the house is on the market, we had an offer fairly quickly which we accepted though it wasn't quite as much as we had hoped. We're waiting for it to go unconditional, so it could still fall over. But once sold, the plan is to move into a rental for 6 months get rid of the stuff we don't need, then I go over to start work and find a place over there. A couple of months later the wife and kids come. Sounds straight forward enough...

 

The problem is I am seriously stressing out that it is going to be a massive mistake. In my heart it's the right decision to go but when I think about it too much I come up with so many reasons not to go I just don't know what to do:

 

Reason no.1 - We won't have as much money as we would have liked to buy a decent house remotely close to where I'll be working. I'm hoping we'll end up with up to 150,000 pounds as a deposit (if the exchange rate stays where it is).

 

2. Our 19 yo daughter loves it here but is willing to come back with us because she loves her Parents more and couldn't bear being away from us. I am so worried she'll absolutely hate it living there and will come to resent me for making her come back. Of course, she could always go back to Oz eventually but then my wife will resent me, I'm in a no win situation!

 

3. Our son is in year 10, but will be 16 when we return, so not sure if he would be able to go to 6th form college without us paying international fees (have to be resident in the UK for 3 years). I'm worried sick he won't be able to do any further education over there and end up in some dead end job for the rest of his life - because of me.

 

4. We have a good life here. We have (until its sold) a lovely large home lots of space in a good area. I have a well paid job and my wife has a job she loves and only needs to work 3 days a week. I have an easy drive to work against the rush hour traffic, zero stress when I'm there. Once in the UK it's likely my wife will be on a zero hours contract, working 5 days a week for crap money and I'll be stuck in a bedsit 5 days a week as the drive to work is too far because we can't live closer and my work in London will be stressville.

 

Is it enough to risk the happiness of my wife and kids and our quality of life for my selfish reasons of wanting to be back in the land of my birth because I'm homesick and want to spend the time remaining with my Dad and siblings?

 

I'm the first one to admit I am a worrier, and tend to think of the worst case scenario happening. I'd be grateful to hear your thoughts, especially from those who have gone home with teenage kids.

 

Thanks.

 

Sounds like a similar situation to mine. Our boys are 15 & 16. The eldest went into college (no fees for this if they are UK citizens, uni has a 3 year residency requirement). The youngest had to drop into year 10 to do GCSE and has settled in well. Your children can always go anywhere they want to and that would be their choice, as long as they are happy that is the main thing. I lived in Australia for 23 years but the pull to come back to the UK became to great. Ultimately no amount of money can buy you time back, so you need to decide if material things outweigh the remaining time with family. Hope it all works out for you.

[srh82]

There is a lot of xenophobic nonsense coming out of the mouths of UK politicians as well.

[bristolman]

There is a lot of xenophobic nonsense coming out of the mouths of UK politicians as well.

 

Oh for goodness sake is that the only thing you take for that post ?

[bristolman]

I agree with VS, why next year ? We decided to make the move and did it and don't regret it for a second. Our kids were about 11 when we made the move and they love it. There are 1000s of lovely places to live outside of London. The vast majority of people don't work on zero hours contracts earning crap money.

£150,000 gives you a huge deposit or 75% of a house in loads of nice areas.

[srh82]

Oh for goodness sake is that the only thing you take for that post ?

 

No, just merely implying that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side.

 

No need for the attitude!

[Guest]

Oh for goodness sake is that the only thing you take for that post ?

 

To be fair it was one of their first reasons.

 

I would go back if I felt like you though, especially with the anemic pound. May be better off.

[Guest Michaela60]

We've been talking about moving back to the UK for a few years now and have decided to do it next year. It's the same old expat story, I'm very homesick, have no feeling of belonging here and sick of the xenophobic shite coming out of Australian politicians' mouths.

I desperately miss being with my family in the UK even though we usually end up arguing when we're together! As each year passes I struggle with the fact I'm so far from my Dad and siblings, my Dad's 79, my brother and sister and me are in our 50's. It's hard seeing them having aged a bit more each time I go back for a visit. Not to mention my kids are missing out on spending time with their cousins, who are now in their early 20's. There are many other reasons why I want to go back but of course family is the primary reason.

I have been fortunate that my old firm have been keeping a job open for me in the hope I would return but they said recently, they can't hold it open much longer. I've only got until June next year to come over, otherwise the door shuts. It's a good job, doing what I do now, in a sought after specialized field and the pay's not bad, close to 40,000 pounds with overtime. This is my last chance to get back home knowing I've got a job when I get there, which is important as my wife needs a Spouse Visa. I feel we have to go, I can't miss this opportunity. Plus, the recent bounce in the Aussie dollar against the pound thanks to the Brexit vote has made it possible to get quite a bit more for our money than compared to last year. Who knows how long it will last, so I feel this is the time to take advantage. So, the house is on the market, we had an offer fairly quickly which we accepted though it wasn't quite as much as we had hoped. We're waiting for it to go unconditional, so it could still fall over. But once sold, the plan is to move into a rental for 6 months get rid of the stuff we don't need, then I go over to start work and find a place over there. A couple of months later the wife and kids come. Sounds straight forward enough...

 

The problem is I am seriously stressing out that it is going to be a massive mistake. In my heart it's the right decision to go but when I think about it too much I come up with so many reasons not to go I just don't know what to do:

 

Reason no.1 - We won't have as much money as we would have liked to buy a decent house remotely close to where I'll be working. I'm hoping we'll end up with up to 150,000 pounds as a deposit (if the exchange rate stays where it is).

 

2. Our 19 yo daughter loves it here but is willing to come back with us because she loves her Parents more and couldn't bear being away from us. I am so worried she'll absolutely hate it living there and will come to resent me for making her come back. Of course, she could always go back to Oz eventually but then my wife will resent me, I'm in a no win situation!

 

3. Our son is in year 10, but will be 16 when we return, so not sure if he would be able to go to 6th form college without us paying international fees (have to be resident in the UK for 3 years). I'm worried sick he won't be able to do any further education over there and end up in some dead end job for the rest of his life - because of me.

 

4. We have a good life here. We have (until its sold) a lovely large home lots of space in a good area. I have a well paid job and my wife has a job she loves and only needs to work 3 days a week. I have an easy drive to work against the rush hour traffic, zero stress when I'm there. Once in the UK it's likely my wife will be on a zero hours contract, working 5 days a week for crap money and I'll be stuck in a bedsit 5 days a week as the drive to work is too far because we can't live closer and my work in London will be stressville.

 

Is it enough to risk the happiness of my wife and kids and our quality of life for my selfish reasons of wanting to be back in the land of my birth because I'm homesick and want to spend the time remaining with my Dad and siblings?

 

I'm the first one to admit I am a worrier, and tend to think of the worst case scenario happening. I'd be grateful to hear your thoughts, especially from those who have gone home with teenage kids.

 

Thanks.

Then you'll really struggle with the xenophobic shite coming from U.K politicians mouths eg the Brexit crowd...some

people really are funny!

[Ferrets]

From the sounds of it you need to give coming back to the UK a shot, even if it doesn't work out - with the pond where it is at the moment then it's as good a time as any to push the button.

 

In terms of children's education then I think that particularly the cost of University as an example that domestic vs. international rates are not that far apart now - certainly not enough to be a blocker if the fx is in your favour at the moment.

 

One thought to be would to ensure that you have all citizenships / passports in place to ensure that you have the freedom to move back and forth dependant on how your circumstances unfold.

 

Good luck!!

[Guest241083]

...........only you and your family can decide what's right......

...........schools and houses are things that can be sorted out.....

...........as a child I attended many schools due to constantly moving....

...........my children for a while did the same....

...........children are happy when their parents are happy......

............and your eldest will have choices as an adult......

.............you can weigh up the pros and cons forever.....

.............but ultimately its your happiness as a family that will dictate....

..............the best of luck to you all......wherever you lay your hat....X

[Gbye grey sky]

First, I don't understand the "lets wait till next year" thing. I see no point in that. But, I am someone that made the decision on a Tuesday and flew Saturday.

 

I thought this too. Am I missing something? And why can you not all go together? The sooner your son gets there the sooner he racks up the 3 residency years for university.

 

I also thought that £40,000 including overtime is not great for London. You could have a long and expensive commute if you only have £150,000 to put down on a house in the south east of England.

[Quoll]

I'm very much like VS! Decide today, go tomorrow! Actually in all seriousness i would be sending the young lad ahead so he can get started now- we are only 3 weeks into the year, now is as good a time as any!

 

Like we suggest in the reverse direction - take a career break, rent out the house and go for it!

 

No point sweating about where your kids might end up - could be anywhere from Afghanistan to Zambia.

[Lambethlad]

You said it yourself - you have great life here - your wife and kids love it here. I would be thinking about my family's happiness rather than my own.

[VERYSTORMY]

You said it yourself - you have great life here - your wife and kids love it here. I would be thinking about my family's happiness rather than my own.

 

But, who is to say they wont have a great life and be very happy in the UK? Isnt that the gamble we all take when moving international.

 

The OP will need to come to an agreement with his family about the future on this.

 

I would recommend a discussion of setting limits of how long they give things if they aren't.

[Rainman]

Really appreciate your thoughts, thanks.

Unfortunately I am tied to London for at least the next 5 years because of the line of work I'm in. However the plan would be to buy a house as soon as we can, somewhere in the Southwest or up towards Gloucestershire, Hereford & Worcester, beautiful areas where good houses are more affordable and where we can eventually retire to or at least have a bolt hole if it all went t*ts up. Looking on Rightmove there appear to be plenty of properties in those areas that would suit our budget. Fair enough most of them are at least an 1.5hr drive from London but I don't think that's such a bad thing! I've had enough of suburbia. Because we're essentially starting from scratch we can go wherever we like, I suppose. Wherever we do decide to buy, we'd rent the place out while we rent a house closer to my work until a time when we're ready to move into our own house. Sounds doable in my head but when I write it down I'm not so sure.

In regards to salary, I'm hoping my wife will get a job that will add another few grand to our joint monthly income.

We can't go earlier than April next year, we have a few commitments which are preventing us from going sooner. Anyway I don't think it would be a good idea emigrating to Britain at the start of winter!

Just to clarify, what educational establishments require the 3 year residency rule and which could my son attend straight away without paying fees, bearing in mind he'll be 16 in June next year?

[calNgary]

Lots of luck with your decision Rainman but i think if your whole family are happy to give a shot, then go for it but dont cut ties with Australia incase you want / need to come back.

 

On the flip side if you had written the exact post as you did but were looking to come Uk to Aus, most people would tell you to stay put if your happy, especially having teenage kids and especially if your expected wage once here was pretty low (for the area your moving too) as it is.

 

Cal x

[Rainman]

Lots of luck with your decision Rainman

 

especially if your expected wage once here was pretty low (for the area your moving too) as it is.

 

Cal x

 

Thanks Cal.

 

Would 40,000 be considered a low wage?? I'm out of touch with what's a decent wage in Britain these days.

[newjez]

Thanks Cal.

 

Would 40,000 be considered a low wage?? I'm out of touch with what's a decent wage in Britain these days.

 

 

For London, yes.

 

The train fare could be up to £5000+

 

After tax it wouldn't leave much. There are some benefits but not much.

 

Train travel from the south with the southern dispute has been soul destroying.

 

Plus is the 19 yo at uni? That may have a bearing.

[srh82]

40k is not a great salary for London. The distance you are talking about living away from London would incur a horrific commute and a season ticket price in the £5k per year bracket as Newjez has said. Rail travel into London on peak is very expensive.

 

Are you sure you are not just homesick and need a trip home to re-balance and see family?

 

Tough to to say but unless your wife will be the main salary earner, I don't see how your numbers will stack up.

Edited October 1, 2016 by srh82

[Bungo]

It is horrible to be somewhere you don't want to be and I fully understand this. Wasn't Australia for me but a different part of the world I spent a couple of years in. Still I read the reasons for staying and it does seem like quite a compelling case and I would be concerned about a serious drop in standard of living based on the plans you have mentioned anyway.

 

Still a few things you perhaps don't need to be worried about. The 19 year old might set off on her own soon anyway, she might even head to UK hersel in the next few years like many young Australians do. And I am sure that education in the UK is free up to the age of 18 so your son will have racked up at least two years before it is time for university.

 

I too am puzzled as to why you think you wife would be "stuck" on zero contract hours job. The zero contract debate is more about political point scoring than anything else as far as I can tell. Most people on these contracts are on them because they choose to be and certainly nobody need be stuck on anything with such low unemployment in the UK right now.

 

I would however be very worried about an income of £40k in London, this is woefully inadequate for a family, I earned £40k in London twenty years ago as a singleton in my 20s! You would be taking home about £2,500 per month and you are going to need £1,500 to rent a family home within a reasonable commute but you would still then be paying say another £400 per month on the train so that is £600 to live on. Just not feasible unless wife also gets a decent paying job of course. I have based those estimates on North Hertfordshire where I live by the way. I think you need to rethink work location or look for a higher paying job.

 

Like others, I also can't see the point in waiting a year, once you have made up your minds it is better to get on with it and overcome any obstacles that you feel are stopping you from moving earlier. Really everything can be overcome as you have free will. It would be much better for your son to be back as soon as possible for education reasons and as for the rest of you, well you are mentally in limbo whilst you wait it out.

 

Oh and We moved back to UK in January and it was glorious. I was only sorry to have missed a UK Christmas.

Edited October 1, 2016 by Bungo

[VERYSTORMY]

I have to reiterate, there really are very few jobs that require a person to work in London and the only ones I can think of would pay a lot more than 40k.

 

To put 40k in perspective, we recently left Windsor which is a commute area for London though I was lucky to be working very close to Windsor so didn't need to commute into London. I was earning 48k and we are a couple with no children. We found that very tight to live on.

 

The he problem with the south east is housing. Rents are horrendous and purchase prices are ridiculous.

[bristolman]

Really appreciate your thoughts, thanks.

Unfortunately I am tied to London for at least the next 5 years because of the line of work I'm in. However the plan would be to buy a house as soon as we can, somewhere in the Southwest or up towards Gloucestershire, Hereford & Worcester, beautiful areas where good houses are more affordable and where we can eventually retire to or at least have a bolt hole if it all went t*ts up. Looking on Rightmove there appear to be plenty of properties in those areas that would suit our budget. Fair enough most of them are at least an 1.5hr drive from London but I don't think that's such a bad thing! I've had enough of suburbia. Because we're essentially starting from scratch we can go wherever we like, I suppose. Wherever we do decide to buy, we'd rent the place out while we rent a house closer to my work until a time when we're ready to move into our own house. Sounds doable in my head but when I write it down I'm not so sure.

In regards to salary, I'm hoping my wife will get a job that will add another few grand to our joint monthly income.

We can't go earlier than April next year, we have a few commitments which are preventing us from going sooner. Anyway I don't think it would be a good idea emigrating to Britain at the start of winter!

Just to clarify, what educational establishments require the 3 year residency rule and which could my son attend straight away without paying fees, bearing in mind he'll be 16 in June next year?

 

I'm biased because we moved to Herefordshire but I would fully endorse such a move, low population density so little traffic, great value for money housing, friendly people and great countryside.

[Rainman]

40k is not a great salary for London.

Are you sure you are not just homesick and need a trip home to re-balance and see family?

 

Tough to to say but unless your wife will be the main salary earner, I don't see how your numbers will stack up.

 

I've just returned from a 3 week trip home visiting family. I was also there for 3 weeks last year and spent 3 months working in London in 2013. I'm not walking into this eyes closed, I know the risks and that's why it scares me but I still want to go home. If I was going on my own it wouldn't be a problem but because my family would be making the move as well that's where the dilemma of whether it's the right thing to do or not is giving me so much stress.

I'm fortunate that all my family live in Dorset. My Dad and Sister live in Swanage, my brother in Wareham. One morning after staying at my Dad's, I decided to walk from Swanage to Wareham, 12 miles all across fields and footpaths and country lanes barely wide enough for a car with the steam trains going to and from Swanage in the distance. Absolutely loved it. Another day my brother and I walked a few miles along a cliff path to a pub in Worth Matravers called the Square and Compass for a couple of beers and a Pasty. Another time we were on the top deck of the bus from Swanage to Wareham after going to the Swanage Folk festival. There were a bunch of people sitting on the back seat, singing as we got on. No doubt a bit tiddly after a few too many ciders, but in good voice they continued singing wonderful english folk songs in perfect pitch for the entire journey back to Wareham. Please tell me where in Australia you can experience that sort of thing. I know money is always a huge issue but there are experiences in life that money can't buy.