I am immigrating to Australia and it makes me sad

[ElProt]

I am moving to Australia with my aussie partner and I am getting really depressed about it. I was excited about the move but now that we have the visa and the departure date is getting closer and closer I am growing a depression. I am so worried to leave my family in Europe. My parents are in their 60/70s and I am scared that I won't be able to see them again. I am so scared that something will happen to them and I will only hear about it 24h later when I wake up on the morning and I will be stuck in Australia... 

I know a lot of people went through this but did you get better after a while? I have already lived 6 months in Australia before and I was really homesick and I could not stay longer. I want to convince myself that this time it will be better. My partner really wants to move back to Australia and I want her to be happy so I am willing to try the big jump again (more prepared this time). 
For those who were like me, how did you manage? How quickly your mental health improved?

Thanks.

[Quoll]

I'd say if you aren't sure then  don't do it. 

When I was younger and my parents in their 60/70 I had the naive view  that it wasn't going to be a problem and whilst they were fit and healthy it wasn't but your scenario of something happening and you getting the call is probably the most likely down the track and you have to accept that and maybe plan so that you have funds to get you home ASAP if and when it happens. 

You don't say if you have kids - if you do then don't move until you are 100% certain that it's what you want because (read the Hague Convention!!!!) Australia will not let kids leave if one parent says they can't - so you could be stuck forever in a place you want to escape. Don't bring kids into the equation until you've sorted out your feelings about being isolated and far from home. I can't stress this enough.

My DH is an Australian and I'm stuck here - it's OK, I live with it but don't love it but life here with him is considerably less worse than life where I want to be without him - so I guess your big decision is whether She's the girl you want to grow old beside. You can't cuddle a country after all.  

For us, we weren't that near his family and that worked well. It'll be hard enough to deal with the resentment that she gets to see her folk more easily and you don't but if you were living in her space where she knows everyone, knows everything, knows everywhere and you're the third wheel I think that must be so much more difficult to put up with - move to a place where you both have to start again as a couple /family. It's been 42 years here now and both my parents are dead so there's less of a pull to be where I belong but if the DH would say tomorrow "let's go" I'd be off like a flash! (Not going to happen of course and he did recently spend 9 years with me in UK caring  for my parents until mum died and dad put himself into care - dad died when I was here and I got "the call" and it wasn't easy not to be able to get back for his funeral but you live through it)

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Edited August 5, 2021 by Quoll

[Blue Flu]

I can only echo and agree with Quoll's assessment fully. If your not happy, it is unlikely to reflect positively on your relationship. You have lived here for half a year so are fully aware what to expect. 

Highly debatable if gets better after awhile. Just as likely to get worse as the issues concerning living in Australia become ever more apparent. We know many who have returned to their country of origin over the years. Different reasons of course but can't think of many (outside of the more recent corona lock downs) that questioned that decision. 

Just ask yourself besides having an Aussie partner, just what do you find attractive about living in Australia?

I feel it something of possessing the ability to accept living in Australia that will address any ongoing mental health issues as they most likely will not dissipate over time otherwise. That means coming to terms with the short falls and accepting the initial decision. 

[Marisawright]

 

2 hours ago, ElProt said:

I know a lot of people went through this but did you get better after a while? I have already lived 6 months in Australia before and I was really homesick and I could not stay longer. I want to convince myself that this time it will be better. 

You say you were very homesick for those six months.  What will be different about this time?  If lots of things went wrong last time, and you think you'll feel happier if you're better organised this time, that's reasonable to hope.  But if you're planning to go back to exactly the same place and do exactly the same things, your homesickness is very likely to be exactly the same as last time. 

Some people get homesickness badly.  If you are one of those people, then it never goes away, ever.  In fact, it gets worse the longer you are stuck in your new country.  Read some of the posts in this thread and you'll see several people who have moved to Australia, had a family and now feel stuck in a country where they don't feel happy:

Quoll makes a good point about trying somewhere else in Australia, rather than moving to be next to your partner's family.  Your partner probably thinks it's a lovely idea for you to have a ready-made family to become part of--and that does work for some people--but if she just fitted back into her old life and you were left feeling you didn't quite belong, that can make things worse.  Better to go somewhere where you can start afresh together, close enough where you can visit but not close enough to be smothered.

I don't envy your situation.  If your Australian partner feels as homesick in Europe as you do in Australia, one of you will have to make a sacrifice if you want to stay together.  If you decide to do so, then get support from a mental health professional right from the start.  And certainly don't even think about having children until you're sure you can face the prospect of spending your entire life in Australia with equanimity.

 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Marisawright

[Wanderer Returns]

2 hours ago, ElProt said:

I am moving to Australia with my aussie partner and I am getting really depressed about it. I was excited about the move but now that we have the visa and the departure date is getting closer and closer I am growing a depression. I am so worried to leave my family in Europe. My parents are in their 60/70s and I am scared that I won't be able to see them again. I am so scared that something will happen to them and I will only hear about it 24h later when I wake up on the morning and I will be stuck in Australia... 

I know a lot of people went through this but did you get better after a while? I have already lived 6 months in Australia before and I was really homesick and I could not stay longer. I want to convince myself that this time it will be better. My partner really wants to move back to Australia and I want her to be happy so I am willing to try the big jump again (more prepared this time). 
For those who were like me, how did you manage? How quickly your mental health improved?

Thanks.

The short answer is they don't, and their mental health never improves - only gets worse. There are many posts on this forum from people who are ambivalent about the idea of life down under, but yours has to be one the most clear-cut in favour of staying in the UK. If your partner feels just as strongly about returning to Australia, then do the sensible thing and split up. Hopefully you don't have kids yet. Don't become one of the many on this forum who have spent decades being miserable because they are living somewhere they don't belong.

[Wanderer Returns]

2 hours ago, Quoll said:

You don't say if you have kids - if you do then don't move until you are 100% certain that it's what you want because (read the Hague Convention!!!!) Australia will not let kids leave if one parent says they can't - so you could be stuck forever in a place you want to escape. Don't bring kids into the equation until you've sorted out your feelings about being isolated and far from home. I can't stress this enough.

@Quoll correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't this also applies to children born in the UK? Doesn't the UK adhere to the Hague Convention too?

[Marisawright]

10 minutes ago, Wanderer Returns said:

@Quoll correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't this also applies to children born in the UK? Doesn't the UK adhere to the Hague Convention too?

Most countries say they adhere to the Convention but there's a huge variation in how it is applied.   In Australia, it's very strict and there are procedures in place which are supposed to stop people even getting on the plane.   Not sure whether the same applies in the UK, or whether they just undertake to repatriate the children if they're found to have left. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Marisawright

[Nemesis]

6 hours ago, ElProt said:

I am moving to Australia with my aussie partner and I am getting really depressed about it. I was excited about the move but now that we have the visa and the departure date is getting closer and closer I am growing a depression. I am so worried to leave my family in Europe. My parents are in their 60/70s and I am scared that I won't be able to see them again. I am so scared that something will happen to them and I will only hear about it 24h later when I wake up on the morning and I will be stuck in Australia... 

I know a lot of people went through this but did you get better after a while? I have already lived 6 months in Australia before and I was really homesick and I could not stay longer. I want to convince myself that this time it will be better. My partner really wants to move back to Australia and I want her to be happy so I am willing to try the big jump again (more prepared this time). 
For those who were like me, how did you manage? How quickly your mental health improved?

Thanks.

I know this is extreme, but have a think about the current situation.

How would you feel if you were here, all your family are back home, and you cannot leave to see them, even if they are sick. And this position could go on for years yet.

Sure, you may not move until after this emergency has abated, but there's no knowing when the next one will happen, and the borders will be closed again.

[Toots]

After reading the many posts on this forum from people who were very unhappy here I really do think it would be a bad move coming to Australia @ElProt.  Have a good long talk with your partner about how you feel.

[Quoll]

5 hours ago, Wanderer Returns said:

@Quoll correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't this also applies to children born in the UK? Doesn't the UK adhere to the Hague Convention too?

Yes it does but not as vehemently and people have been allowed to remove children from the jurisdiction with strong access conditions in place. Australia just won’t let them go if one parent says no even if they are the worst drop kicks of all time. If otoh someone nicks off from UK to another HC country then they can be forced to return to UK to face court charges. 

[CaptainR]

In non-covid border restriction times I’d say that living in Australia isn’t as far away as you think. 
 I have a Vodafone package that gives me thousands of minutes to the UK and call my parents on the hands free whenever I’m driving. I have a Messenger group with my siblings and Mum and communicate daily (I just upgraded mums iPhone again to help in that respect). My Dad often says he speaks to me more than my sisters. 
 I times gone by I have felt confident knowing if something happened I could easily jump on a flight and be there in less than 24 hours. With work I was flying into the UK on a regular basis anyway and we’d occasionally meet at Heathrow for a coffee if I was in transit. 
 With the border restrictions, it’s a lot more difficult. But depending on the strength of your relationship means you may need to find a compromise, even if you decide on two years in Oz and give it your best shot in earnest (if you don’t think you can give your best shot, don’t bother).

[Wanderer Returns]

2 hours ago, CaptainR said:

In non-covid border restriction times I’d say that living in Australia isn’t as far away as you think. 
 I have a Vodafone package that gives me thousands of minutes to the UK and call my parents on the hands free whenever I’m driving. I have a Messenger group with my siblings and Mum and communicate daily (I just upgraded mums iPhone again to help in that respect). My Dad often says he speaks to me more than my sisters. 
 I times gone by I have felt confident knowing if something happened I could easily jump on a flight and be there in less than 24 hours. With work I was flying into the UK on a regular basis anyway and we’d occasionally meet at Heathrow for a coffee if I was in transit. 
 With the border restrictions, it’s a lot more difficult. But depending on the strength of your relationship means you may need to find a compromise, even if you decide on two years in Oz and give it your best shot in earnest (if you don’t think you can give your best shot, don’t bother).

Then you were very fortunate. For most people the cost alone makes the return trip prohibitive, not to mention the holidays required and taking children out of school etc. In principal the UK is 24 hours away, but in practice that's always been a fallacy - even before covid.

[Marisawright]

Also, agreeing to a temporary move is all very well, but we’ve had several members who agreed to a temp move, only to find their partner refused to honour the agreement when the time came. That’s especially true if the couple had a child in the meantime  

Edited August 6, 2021 by Marisawright

[tea4too]

1 hour ago, Wanderer Returns said:

Then you were very fortunate. For most people the cost alone makes the return trip prohibitive, not to mention the holidays required and taking children out of school etc. In principal the UK is 24 hours away, but in practice that's always been a fallacy - even before covid.

The 'only 24 hour' sentiment bothers me every time I read it, because as someone who remained in the UK I know that my Aus family cannot physically respond to every crisis or every cause for celebration irrespective of how significant or minor it might be. In fact most of the time they are unaware of issues that arise and are routinely dealt with by others here. Living thousands of miles apart does change the dynamics of relationships to some extent, and while an unscheduled return to the UK might be possible within 24 hours in my experience it doesn't happen, except perhaps in the most distressing of situations. Others may have a different experience, but maybe  when weighing the pros and cons of migration those with close family ties  shouldn't overly rely on the fact that the journey time is only 24 hours . T x

Edited August 6, 2021 by tea4too

[Tulip1]

You know you don’t want to go and shouldn’t but you are in a horrible situation because your partner wants to.  Their needs are as valid as yours so you can’t really win.  The answer is that sadly you probably have to chose between a relationship with your partner or the UK.  It’s just which one are you prepared to give up.   Please don’t go thinking it will probably be ok after a while.  It may be but  if you go do so thinking as you do now and anything else is a bonus.  Agree you shouldn’t live close to your partners family if possible.  That won’t help the situation.  If you are prepared to start a fresh then it’s reasonable so should your partner be.  That could make all the difference.  Personally I love the idea of me and a partner moving somewhere different for both of us and making a new start together.  But, for you it would still be on the other side of the world to where you want to be so it’s not an automatic plan to happiness.  Good luck.

[Dan Not Dale]

Here’s some experiences I’ve had that relate to what you raised.
I used to keep my phone on loud every night when I first arrived in Australia in case something happened back home and someone needed to contact me. That definitely changes. I don’t worry about it anymore. 
But I did lose 2 grandparents within a year of coming here and you certainly feel the distance with things like that. Getting the call they only have 24/48 hours in them, and racing back. But how long do you book for?? And can your work allow you to do that at short notice? 
I’d say standard of life here is better, despite this, I’d like to move home. 
If you think one trip home a year will keep you ok then give it a try. I always feel a million times better when at least I know I’ll get 3 weeks at home ‘soon’.

I’d say Australia was one of the luckiest places to be in the first 12 months of covid. But bare in mind, with Australia having a huge lack of vaccination you are effectively coming in to a country which is still in lockdown. You won’t get a trip home in your first 12 months as it stands.

I’m not even convinced enough of the population here wants vaccination enough to reach the 80% it’s outlined to open borders. Although that sentiment might change if the lockdowns keep coming. 

I thought Australia would be amazing but  I soon realised it wasn’t for me. My mental health has been shit for the last 5 years. If you’re already thinking it won’t be good. Don’t commit to anything more than a trial. 

[Bulya]

1 hour ago, Dan Not Dale said:

Here’s some experiences I’ve had that relate to what you raised.
I used to keep my phone on loud every night when I first arrived in Australia in case something happened back home and someone needed to contact me. That definitely changes. I don’t worry about it anymore. 
But I did lose 2 grandparents within a year of coming here and you certainly feel the distance with things like that. Getting the call they only have 24/48 hours in them, and racing back. But how long do you book for?? And can your work allow you to do that at short notice? 
I’d say standard of life here is better, despite this, I’d like to move home. 
If you think one trip home a year will keep you ok then give it a try. I always feel a million times better when at least I know I’ll get 3 weeks at home ‘soon’.

I’d say Australia was one of the luckiest places to be in the first 12 months of covid. But bare in mind, with Australia having a huge lack of vaccination you are effectively coming in to a country which is still in lockdown. You won’t get a trip home in your first 12 months as it stands.

I’m not even convinced enough of the population here wants vaccination enough to reach the 80% it’s outlined to open borders. Although that sentiment might change if the lockdowns keep coming. 

I thought Australia would be amazing but  I soon realised it wasn’t for me. My mental health has been shit for the last 5 years. If you’re already thinking it won’t be good. Don’t commit to anything more than a trial. 

Where have you lived in Australia?

[Dan Not Dale]

On 07/08/2021 at 21:42, Bulya said:

Where have you lived in Australia?

Melbourne. Partner from there. Have considered Perth recently.

[Bulya]

3 hours ago, Dan Not Dale said:

Melbourne. Partner from there. Have considered Perth recently.

So you don’t really know much about ‘Australia’, just Melbourne, a very big difference.  

[Parley]

Melbourne is the best place to live in Australia.

[Marisawright]

53 minutes ago, Parley said:

Melbourne is the best place to live in Australia.

I love living in Melbourne but I’d be the first to admit that it’s a long way from the average Brit’s vision of Australian lifestyle.

Also, it has some absolutely awful suburbs which I’d hate to live in, like most big cities. I feel sorry for anyone who’s unlucky enough to get stuck in one

Edited August 9, 2021 by Marisawright

[Bulya]

51 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

I love living in Melbourne but I’d be the first to admit that it’s a long way from the average Brit’s vision of Australian lifestyle.

Also, it has some absolutely awful suburbs which I’d hate to live in, like most big cities. I feel sorry for anyone who’s unlucky enough to get stuck in one

A couple of years there was enough for ten lifetimes.  I still remember the day I jumped in my Monaro at RAAF Laverton and headed north for the first time.  A wondrous day indeed..

[Parley]

1 hour ago, Marisawright said:

I love living in Melbourne but I’d be the first to admit that it’s a long way from the average Brit’s vision of Australian lifestyle.

Also, it has some absolutely awful suburbs which I’d hate to live in, like most big cities. I feel sorry for anyone who’s unlucky enough to get stuck in one

It wasn't the most liveable city in the world for years in a row for nothing.

[Marisawright]

50 minutes ago, Bulya said:

A couple of years there was enough for ten lifetimes.  I still remember the day I jumped in my Monaro at RAAF Laverton and headed north for the first time.  A wondrous day indeed..

Where were you in Melbourne?  It's like Sydney, there are terrific suburbs and awful ones.  

[Bulya]

7 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

Where were you in Melbourne?  It's like Sydney, there are terrific suburbs and awful ones.  

Laverton.  The suburb was irrelevant it was just the feel of the place.  There were hundreds of us from all around Australia and nobody wanted to stay there.