Third time lucky?

[toozmaybe]

Hi there, I have been a regular reader of this forum for the past few years and am looking for some advice. My question has anyone pingponged for a third time and settled successfully?

We have moved to Australia twice - first time only stayed 4 months!!!! Madness - then returned for 6 months then moved back over for a year and now are back 6 months.

We have 3 children under 8. It has been a lot of moving the last two years we have a 189 visa.

When we are there we love it, love the schools, the kinder , the outdoor life. Both got work no problem and house no problem. But we felt isolated and homesick. We got in a rut I think and we really didn't put ourselves out there to meet people.

Home 6 months now and we just can't seem to settle feel we have made a mistake. Feel awful for the kids who we feel are missing out on all that they loved over there - kinder,beach, festivals, school excursions, camp , circus school!!! We gave it all up for grandparents which are also fantastic to have but afraid to say won't live forever...

is it possible to be third time lucky or shud we just realise we made our agonising decision and that's that. The last two years has been agonising one decision after another.

[Guest The Pom Queen]

Welcome to the forum. Personally I don't think you have given either place long enough. I don't know how you have managed it. Did you return to the same place that you left both in the UK and Oz.

'I think you need to write a list of pros and cons for both. Also make a list of why it's failed each time and what you can do different this time. Please keep posting as I would love to know how you go on.

[Lucharmily]

It's always a compromise once you start living in different countries. And because of that, it's easy to fall into the trap of comparing the "bad of the here with the good of the there".

 

As you say, that's a lot of moves in 2 years even without 3 children! I think you have to ask yourself what is it you actually want and then embrace that decision be it here or Oz. I'd say maybe you haven't given it long enough in one place to really settle properly.

 

Good luck with it and hope you find peace with whatever you decide.

[Guest]

The answer is yes some people have ping-ponged several times and finally settled (either in the UK or Australia) but lives have been torn apart along the way.

 

My perspective is maybe a little bit different as a happy returnee to the UK but I truly believe that you can have exactly the life you want without moving countries, no idea what kinder is but everything else you mention is every bit as available in the UK.

 

We moved out with a 5 year old and with hindsight we were stuck in a rut and just looking for kick start, we didn't have to move to Australia to do that but in lots of ways it was an easy option. 5 years on there we realised the rut was exactly the same there - the problem was us not the country we were living in

 

I do not think you should think about moving back anytime soon - time is on your side as your children are so young so give it at least another year. Look at what it was you loved in Australia and make it happen here. Maybe even look at where you live in the UK and whether a move within the country may help, clsoe enough to see grandparents on high days and holidays for an awful lot less than return flights from Australia.

 

We have a much more outdoors lifestyle than we had in Australia and there are vast differences between schools in both UK & Australia - a poor one in the UK against a good one in Australia is going to colour your view, just find one you like in the UK.

 

If after a year or so of being settled somewhere in the UK you still feel Australia suits you better then go and give it at least two years - homesickness is a really bad reason to move back and I think that is the mistake you have made. We moved back because we like the UK better and i think that is why we are very happy now.

[Quoll]

The isolation isn't going to change - it's just another first world country on the other side of the world is all and the distance is always going to be there. I venture to suggest that your kids will look back and regret not having spent more time with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins than school camps (which they will also have in UK), excursions (ditto), circus school (probably ditto), the outdoors (definitely ditto) - both of mine certainly said as much when they became adult men with families of their own.

 

It can't have been that fabulous while you were there otherwise you wouldn't have left.

 

It is very easy to compare the bad of the now with the good of the then as Lucharmily said but there is nothing (except money) stopping you doing it again - and again if you feel like it.

 

There are some who have done it more times - I have a friend now down the road from me who did it 3 times (and is back in UK) - each time thinking it would be different but the same reasons for driving her home the first two times were there for the third.

 

I'm not a great one for settling so if you have the resources to do it again, give it a go and if it works then you win, if it is still the same as it was before then cut your losses and move on.

[Lakaal]

We Moved twice and settled better the second time - although the isolation still an issue for me. I have really had to move out of my comfort zone to put myself out there. Eldest daughter would still love to move back to Ireland.

[Guest]

circus school (probably ditto).

 

Definitely have circus schools in the UK - you can even do a degree in circus skills :smile:

[Marisawright]

You tried it once and it didn't work out. You tried a second time, this time with the lessons learned from the first time - and in spite of that, it still didn't work.

 

What would you do differently this time? Why do you think you'd feel less isolated?

[Quinkla]

Many people say "give it a go - you have nothing to lose". However, once you have moved, you can never "unmove". You can never quite get back to what you had and, even if you get close, you would still have had the experience of emigration and the new horizons it brings. Emigrants lose their sense of home, of stability and permanence. It will never come back.

 

Now you have found yourself unsettled in Australia (twice) and Britain (three times). Going backwards and forwards will just confirm that there are some things you like about Australia and some things you like about Britain, but also things you miss in each one. Both have become partly aspirational but tainted in your mind. Could it be a way forward to pick somewhere completely new (NZ, USA, South Africa, Cyprus), put the past behind you and focus instead only on the future in a new place, accepting that it may not be perfect but it is where you have chosen to be?

[NicF]

Being settled is a state of mind not a place. For some people they need certain things in order to gain that sense of being settled. My OH needs to own a place of his own - he didn't feel settled in Australia until we moved in to our own house, in spite of the fact that he is Australian. I feel settled anywhere as long as I can unpack my suitcase and have a half decent kitchen to cook in. You need to work out what it is that makes you feel settled and work towards that. Sometimes to do that you have to accept that the grass is greener where you are right now, wherever that may be.

[Quinkla]

Being settled is a state of mind not a place.

Totally agree. I just think that if someone is ping ponging for the third time, there will be an association between the place and being unsettled that would make it monumentally difficult to achieve the settled state of mind there.

[janlo]

Emigrants lose their sense of home, of stability and permanence. It will never come back.

 

Not sure about that Quinkla......some return more stable and a greater sense of where home is after emigrating and taking off those rose coloured specs.

[flag of convenience]

Many people say "give it a go - you have nothing to lose". However, once you have moved, you can never "unmove". You can never quite get back to what you had and, even if you get close, you would still have had the experience of emigration and the new horizons it brings. Emigrants lose their sense of home, of stability and permanence. It will never come back.

 

Now you have found yourself unsettled in Australia (twice) and Britain (three times). Going backwards and forwards will just confirm that there are some things you like about Australia and some things you like about Britain, but also things you miss in each one. Both have become partly aspirational but tainted in your mind. Could it be a way forward to pick somewhere completely new (NZ, USA, South Africa, Cyprus), put the past behind you and focus instead only on the future in a new place, accepting that it may not be perfect but it is where you have chosen to be?

 

My thoughts as well. Why only limit oneself between UK and Australia? I did it twice over the space of ten years, lasting just over a year each time, not so much a case of being unsettled, although in a way, it was I suppose, just feeling missing out on so much living in Australia. No big deal just moved on. No kids to consider though and only a partner in one case. Moved across to the European Mainland soon after on second return.

Still unsure if will stay. Doesn't bother me the least as will always keep one foot in the Oz camp, just more likely to spend most of time in another country at a later stage.

[janlo]

But just to add, if you have very close family ties, you had great friends, a lovely home then your going to have to suck it up and accept you went to Australia for something that you felt was bigger and better, something more than what you left otherwise come back!

 

Im referring to couples who both feel the same way. If one feels differently its a whole other issue.

[vickyplum]

Not sure why you'd try for a third time when it didn't work the first two times. And how much money is all this back and forth costing you?! I don't think you need us to spin you any yarns about 'third time lucky' - there's no such thing.

 

Maybe try another part of the UK or another part of Europe, where you can make frequent trips home, but still experience a new/different culture.

[VERYSTORMY]

You say you feel the kids are missing out, but every thing you list are things they could be doing in the UK - including the beach. My nephew was at the beach on the south coast last week.

[JockinTas]

Not sure why you'd try for a third time when it didn't work the first two times. And how much money is all this back and forth costing you?! I don't think you need us to spin you any yarns about 'third time lucky' - there's no such thing.

 

Maybe try another part of the UK or another part of Europe, where you can make frequent trips home, but still experience a new/different culture.

 

^^^^ This.

[JockinTas]

Emigrants lose their sense of home, of stability and permanence. It will never come back.

 

Not sure about that Quinkla......some return more stable and a greater sense of where home is after emigrating and taking off those rose coloured specs.

 

Not in my case. I feel more at home in Tassie now that I've retired than I have ever felt.

 

I left home at 16 and moved around a lot though so guess I'm different to most folk.

[Guest]

Many people say "give it a go - you have nothing to lose". However, once you have moved, you can never "unmove". You can never quite get back to what you had and, even if you get close, you would still have had the experience of emigration and the new horizons it brings. Emigrants lose their sense of home, of stability and permanence. It will never come back.

 

 

Both agree and disagree - you definitely do have a lot to lose but before emigrating I didn't have a sense of home, stability and permanence - I'd moved a lot in the UK and was always looking for something else. Leaving the UK and then returning has given me all of that and a sense of peace I do not think i would have achieved otherwise. Things are not the same as before we moved but they are better, we didn't appreciate what we had before.

[wattsy1982]

Its a tough one and something that is different to every individual.

 

Some people move and love it first time, others ping pong and settle either here or UK.

 

For us, we came here as newly weds (no kids) in 2008 on a WHV and I never settled (the fact it was only ever for a year I guess made it hard to picture ourselves here long term but hey) and I always wanted to be back home.

 

After moving back home and having 2 kids etc we decided to give Aus another go, long term this time (PR Visas etc) as we could then only remember the good things of here v the normal and mundane things of home.....

 

After over 2 1/2 years here this time i still dont feel settled/content and now appreciate what we had in a whole new light.

 

I hope we move back next year but would I move out here a third time (third time lucky) NO, because I am still me, still have the same values, australia is still australia, life is/will still be the same, we both have to work, do the shopping, pay the bills, fight the school run etc. I think unless circumstances change (eg this time retired etc) why would you suddenly settle this time over the last 2 times?

 

Just my opinion though and there are many on here who have settled 2nd, 3rd, 4th time etc.

[newjez]

Hi there, I have been a regular reader of this forum for the past few years and am looking for some advice. My question has anyone pingponged for a third time and settled successfully?

We have moved to Australia twice - first time only stayed 4 months!!!! Madness - then returned for 6 months then moved back over for a year and now are back 6 months.

We have 3 children under 8. It has been a lot of moving the last two years we have a 189 visa.

When we are there we love it, love the schools, the kinder , the outdoor life. Both got work no problem and house no problem. But we felt isolated and homesick. We got in a rut I think and we really didn't put ourselves out there to meet people.

Home 6 months now and we just can't seem to settle feel we have made a mistake. Feel awful for the kids who we feel are missing out on all that they loved over there - kinder,beach, festivals, school excursions, camp , circus school!!! We gave it all up for grandparents which are also fantastic to have but afraid to say won't live forever...

is it possible to be third time lucky or shud we just realise we made our agonising decision and that's that. The last two years has been agonising one decision after another.

 

 

 

At a guess I'd say there are some problems you can't face and are running away, but your problems come with you. I think you need to sort out the crap in your life and stop pissing your kids about. Harsh - but seriously, how much damage are you doing?

[Guest]

So you love Aus, well, the part of Aus you were in but couldn't get past the homesickness feeling and then felt isolated.

 

TBH those things are both things you can work on if you really wanted to and put your mind to it. I think if you feel isolated then the homesickness can be worse. Or seem worse. It may not have been there much at all if you hadn't felt so shut off from things.

 

It takes a fair while to build friendships, social circles and the like when you move anywhere. Be it an hour up the motorway or the other side of the world. You don't make friends by not going the extra mile to meet people in the first place. And you don't suddenly have friends there when you arrive or for many months afterwards. Its a slow process. Migration isn't a quick fix to a perfect life. If anything, it opens up cans of worms that can't be shut back up.

 

 

Also keep in mind that some people will never shake the homesickness but many can cope with it and enjoy living in Aus. It may rear its head now and again (which I think is perfectly natural) but its not all consuming or finding them wanting to move back to the UK asap. For others its a great thing, overwhelms and can make it impossible to get past and begin to enjoy living in Aus properly. Those people are better getting back to their home country asap IMHO and leaving Aus behind.

 

I really think you need to consider those aspects that let you down last time and decide if you want to put the hard yards in on them once you get to Aus or else risk being back in the UK six months after the 3rd stint and still finding the same problems and not working them out. I think you left too soon both other times but that is me. I'd have put more into building a life for another year or so and seeing how it was then.

 

Migrating means you can't have it all. Something has to give. You just have to work out what that give is for you and be prepared to work through the consequences of your decision, whatever it may be. If that means staying where you are and being happy about it, then get on and start living and making it work there and stop with the rose tinted for Aus. If its Aus, then make the move and toughen up a little to what you know you are going to be giving up and be ok with that. If you don't feel you can be ok with it, stay put.

 

Your kids will do just fine in either country IMHO but its not fair to keep dragging them between countries every year because you can't figure out what you want.

 

You may never figure it out now is the other thing. You've lived in Aus for a short time, have an idea of it all and probably want the best of both worlds but can't have it.

[starlight7]

I wouldn't come again if it was me. You have given it a couple of shots and there is nothing different here to what you had before- in fact things are probably worse from a financial point of view.

[Jessica Berry]

To be honest I don't know how you had time to feel homesick or get in a rut if you were both working and had 3 kids under 8, surely life would be pretty full on between work, the kids and activities.

 

When we came over we were pretty busy for the first 12-18 months, both working fulltime, doing all the usual stuff food shopping, washing etc, we moved rental properties a couple of times, buying furniture (we sold up everything in the UK and basically just came with suitcases full of clothes) we were also keen to buy a house so spent a lot of time going to open inspections, looking at new housing estates, driving round suburbs to get a feel for them, also we tried to fit in some Adelaide sightseeing of our new home town, I then worked out if I wanted to earn more money in my line of work I needed to get a couple of Australian qualifications so I was working fulltime (40 hours a week) then attending evening classes twice a week 6-9pm and then doing assignments....

 

The point I am trying to make is we were committed from the day we started the process and arrived in Australia to making ourselves a life here and getting stuck in. Can you all offer that commitment a third time?

[Petals]

Before you get much older and your children are upset by all the moving around sit down and look at yourselves, what are you looking for? My brother and I had such parents who moved and moved and moved and you know they never found what they were looking for and continued to move, my mother cannot move now due to age but she would if she could. Do not fall into the trap that is greener on the other side of the hill. Because of my parents I have lived in two houses one for 11 years this one for 30 years as I said I would never do it to my kids and I did not and they are well adjusted and know where they are and where home is are very happy. Sorry but its not places that make us happy and content it is us being satisfied with our lot.