Simonrbh Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Has anybody got advice? SOME BACKGROUND:- I migrated from Cheshire, UK in October 2014 with my Australian partner. I migrated on a partner migration visa, which I activated on a recce trip in May 2014 and have permanent residency status since that date. If I'm correct I can get my citizenship 4 years after my visa was activated, which is 15th May 2018. I've been to Oz about a dozen times in 15 years and about 5 of those have been with my partner. I've been to every state and travelled quite extensively. I'm in my early 50's and took a redundancy package after 23 years with a large multinational company, but unfortunately not old enough to retire and not enough in the pension pot either to live on after the penalties if I was to draw it early at 55! We live close to Dayboro, 50km North of Brisbane CBD. I have 3 siblings back in the UK, including an identical twin, my parents are no longer around. My partner is late 40's, has dual citizenship after living in the Uk for 12 years and has 3 brothers (and their families) all within 30kms and another one 5hrs drive North of Brisbane too. My partner's parents have also passed away. My partner works full time as a vet. We bought our property in Dec 2015 and live on 2.5 acres, which is quite rural and can't even see our neighbours houses, never mind socialise with them! We have no mortgage, no children either and a reasonable amount of savings. I've managed to secure a one year contract for 24 hrs work per week after 9 months of applying for anything and everything. To get a full time job that is more a 'natural fit' would likely mean a 200km round trip daily and 12hr shifts too! I work earlies (06:30 -13:00) and late shifts (15:30-22:00, later at weekends). I get up early (04:15) to commute 50km to work, to try and miss the kamikaze tradies that want to run you off the road. THE DILEMMA:- I have a constant feeling of loneliness and isolation and feel I've made the biggest mistake of my life by moving to Oz. We have a lovely view to our property but there is no real community and Dayboro is a ghost town once everyone gets in from work. Nobody goes to the pub as they work long hours and get up really early to commute to work, so the pub is shut by 19:30 most nights. It is so difficult to make friends with people. If you don't have children then you seem to not even exist in most peoples eyes! For the majority of the time, the only social contact we have is with my partner's siblings and their families and that is going to visit them at their homes. I keep telling my OH "I didn't come all the way to Oz just to go from our house to someone else's"! I've no friends to 'chew the fat' with here and my unhappiness is a major cause of arguments. My OH is 'as happy as a pig in ****'. She is close to her siblings after so long away from them and has a job she generally enjoys. In the UK I really enjoyed hiking, cycling, motorcycling, scuba diving, swimming, having a beer and eating out with friends I've still got from as far back as school days. My partner on the other hand is less of a social sort and is happy to just stay at home, read her Kindle, play a game on her iPad, knit, or just watch TV. I've looked at things like MEETUP.COM to try and fill the void but all the groups are too far away with my working hours. Men's Shed I'm too young for really, it's more suited to retirees (no offence intended). I also feel that if I don't move back in the imminent future then I'll never get a job again in the UK full stop! We spent a lot of time, effort and money making this move and after 12 months all I want is to go home but that is likely to mean by myself, with no partner (of 10 years), nowhere to live, no job and the likelihood of me being in a similar dilemma to now if I only have enough income to exist and not enjoy an active social life. Has anyone had similar experiences? If so, how did you overcome it? I feel I'm in a really dark hole! (Big) Si. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicF Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I'm not a social person and am quite happy with my own and my OH's company but I think even I would feel lonely and isolated in your circumstances. I would see if your OH would consider moving somewhere a bit less rural first. I'm sure it would be possible to find somewhere where she can be close to family, work and still feel connected to the country and where you can be closer to work and social opportunities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Well not been in a similar situation but the answer looks to be relatively straight forward - move house, you are obviously living too remote for your liking. I say straight forward, because I assume your partner does not want to see you unhappy and would be prepared to make the compromise. Sounds like you need to be in a more suburban area. Is this something you have spoken about and is it an option? Have you discussed your thoughts with your partner? In the meantime, as you do only have the part time work, this looks like an opportunity to find some groups and take up some of the activities you mention you enjoy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 On a serious note, Dayboro is pretty far out, if you want a more sociable lifestyle have you thought about moving closer to Brisbane or Sunshine Coast? or somewhere bigger? My local closes at like 1am in Brisbane and just more people and activities in the city to meet like minded folk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Hi,sorry to hear you're unhappy but I hope its been helpful to you to get it off your chest! This probably isn't what you'd like to hear but I feel you should give it longer.It wont change the fact pubs close early,or that there's little socially around you,but it may change your attitude towards your new life.Ok so your partner lived in the UK,I'm guessing (1)Because she liked it,and (2)You were there! Its probably only fair,not only to your partner,but to yourself,to give it more time hon. Try and refocus your mind on the present time.Don't waste time thinking about the past,because its already gone,and the future isn't here yet. I just googled your town and it actualy looks quite nice.Reminds me of the town I left in Sth Oz,and I loved that town.Are there any clubs,etc?Even if you don't enjoy footy,you could go along to watch a game (I know its out of season now)and you might be surprised who you meet. No mortgage,kids and savings?You need to be grateful,and appreciative of that hon!Count your blessings for now and re focus your mind on the present time.Its all we ever have! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 On a serious note, Dayboro is pretty far out, if you want a more sociable lifestyle have you thought about moving closer to Brisbane or Sunshine Coast? or somewhere bigger? My local closes at like 1am in Brisbane and just more people and activities in the city to meet like minded folk. Yep I would agree with the above you need to move nearer to the action, your other half can still knit Ipad covers wherever can she not? would also make travelling back to Dayboro to see family a little more special too. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simonrbh Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 Can I borrow your time travelling machine? Or just send some Oz lotto results... Whoops, well spotted the 'deliberate' mistakes! …………... *October 2014* & *Dec 2014* ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzukiscottie Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Buy yourself a motorcycle! [emoji106]?[emoji2] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fifi69 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I'm a bit confused to how long you've been in Aus. Doesnt sound like the area you are living in, is doing you any favours, did you rent first before buying? Im assuming you enjoyed it when you came to Aus for hols? But emergrating isn't the same, and its not for everyone. Tbh though, how you are describing your days, I think even if you werent missing family and friends it would be hard. My advice would be to talk to your partner, to see if she would move nearer to a city, surely a vet could work anywhere. If she is unwilling, then I think you need to decide what's important to you and what you can live with. Doesn't sound like your doing much living where you are. edited to add, you really haven't been here very long. They do say it can take 2 years to settle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simonrbh Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 But yourself a motorcycle! [emoji106][emoji2] Already have one, Tiger 1050SE. I brought it over from the UK and use it to commute to work most of the time. Shame you're not closer for a ride out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VERYSTORMY Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I think there is more to this than where you live. Reading between the the lines where you mention things like "friends from as far back as school days" I think no matter where you were and what was on your doorstep you would be in a similar situation. However, I do think your location might be a hinderance to your future happiness. First, some unhappiness at a stage is a normal part of the migration process. Most go through it to some degree. So no rash decisions. However, it does sound like your life has been built around what your partner wants and not a lot of thought to your needs. My my advice would be to carry on for 6 months. See how you feel, as it is common to go through bad feelings for a while. However, if after that time, you are still as unhappy as you are now, then you need to have this conversation with your partner. However, I would consider doing it in reference to a proffessional councillor for you both. There is sadly the possibility that you will not be happy in oz and the pair of you will have to look at can you figure something out that may not be what either of you would consider ideal. Sadly, we have a number of members that have had to chose between their partner and own happiness. But do give it that bit of time yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 We bought our property in Dec 2015 and live on 2.5 acres, which is quite rural and can't even see our neighbours houses, never mind socialise with them! ... I keep telling my OH "I didn't come all the way to Oz just to go from our house to someone else's"! I've no friends to 'chew the fat' with here and my unhappiness is a major cause of arguments. My OH is 'as happy as a pig in ****'. In the UK I really enjoyed hiking, cycling, motorcycling, scuba diving, swimming, having a beer and eating out with friends Your first step is to take a good hard look and work out what you're really unhappy about, because it will make a huge difference to what will solve your problem. Are you really missing the UK, or are you just bored out of your mind? If you're just lonely and bored, then persuading your oh to compromise on a move to Brisbane or the Sunshine Coast is the answer. She will still be within easy reach of her family after all, and a job is just a job. If she cares so little about your sanity that she won't even compromise, then I'd be questioning the value of your relationship anyway - assuming she understands the depth of your unhappiness. If you have trouble getting through to her, you could try writing her a letter or an email, where you can set it all out without interruption. Even better, ask her to go to professional counselling with you, where the counsellor can make sure you're BOTH heard. If you're really missing the UK, though, then it's a lot more difficult. You can't expect your oh to totally surrender her happiness to yours - and you both can't be close to old friends and family, because they're thousands of miles apart. So you have a tough decision. You will have money - as you've no kids she isn't entitled to any alimony or maintenance, just her share of the sale of the property (which will be in equal proportion to what she put in, or half if it was a joint purchase). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boganbear Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Ii am sure Dayboro is a bit of a culture shock. its like moving to a tiny village in Cornwall. It can be hard starting out again. Can your partner and family help with her contacts at work by having a few people around for a barbie or seeing if anyone local also like some of your hobbies. I've made some good mates via friends of friends etc. I know there are a lot of people who go for a bike ride around yoru way to Mount Mee as i often see them. I know the Petrie markets have good events on a Friday night. My OH's aunty runs the lolly shop and her husband does bike rides etc and people bring their bikes and classic cars to show off. Why not both of your go for a night out and see who you end up chatting to. Your idea of using meet up.com is a good one as there are loads of interest and hobby groups. Just have a go and see how it goes. You have nothing to lose. I joined the gay rugby club in Brisbane and whilst i don't actually play, ive made some more mates through it. I still consider my best mates to be those back in England but things are changing for the better. keep your chin up . Its early days yet and remind yourself that how many people would love to be on a country property in a spectacular setting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristolman Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I agree, Dayboro is not somewhere to go for socialising. It's a nice enough place and we quite often used to ride around that area but as somewhere to live, no. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buzzy--bee Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Simon, can I suggest doing some volunteering? You will meet tons of people this way and they won't give 2 hoots about your family situation etc so long as you muck in. About a year ago I joined the Australian Volunteer Coastguard, and I've made loads of friends and learned a lot, plus I get to drive fast powerful boats and save lives at sea! There's Coastguard in QLD, there are also probably volunteer firefighting groups etc. I think this would really help you meet people and make friends. BB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bruce 7 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Hi. Dayboro is very rural, I know a few people who have built there then moved due to the isolation. We are late 40's and hubby got bike last year, we live in Redcliffe if you fancy catching up with him and enjoying a bike ride. Elena Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Yeah Dayboro is really nice as a little Sunday trip but not sure what would do living there permanently. Samford Village would have a bit more going on and not too far out of Brisbane while offering country living. Or the Ferny Grove sort of area in Brisbane isn't that far from Dayboro Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I am similar vintage to you (55 next week). Like you reasonably financially set with no mortgage and savings to tide us over until I draw my pension at 60. Will have to work for the 'extras' though such as travel and property upgrades. We also have an 11 year old daughter so a major financial consideration for us though this does, I agree, provide some scope for building social contacts though, as in the UK, everyone is probably pretty busy with work and running their home and taxi-ing kids around. Reading your post you are clearly a smart guy and the overwhelming feeling I get is "what were you thinking?". You and your partner sound like chalk and cheese or has she only just become a reading/knitting/TV kind of person? We stayed in temporary accommodation which was a 'granny annex' on acreage on arrival. Nice views but confirmed my view that isolating myself in a new country was not a good idea. My first thought was moving closer to some action but I suspect you are thinking 'lose a shedload of money moving house and location but it only scratches the surface of my issues with Queensland living'. It really does sound as though you are not where you need to be for your own peace of mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simonrbh Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 Hi Elena Thanks for your reply. I love Redcliffe! I'd be interested in meeting up for a bike ride if you'd like to pm me personal details. Cheers Simon. Hi. Dayboro is very rural, I know a few people who have built there then moved due to the isolation. We are late 40's and hubby got bike last year, we live in Redcliffe if you fancy catching up with him and enjoying a bike ride. Elena Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Communicate with your OH and talk with a relationships counsellor - sounds like some sort of compromise needs to be on the table here. Personally, living out in the boondocks would be wrist slitting country for me and sometimes you can be led into depression by the place you are in - the only solution is often to remove yourself from the place. Whether that means you need to remove from Australia to get your life back is anyone's guess, you may, you may not. I can see that your age puts a bit of a time imperative on decision making which others might not appreciate - once you're off the workplace merry go round it gets hard to step back on again if you're over the hill. This is is really only something that the two of you need to thrash out between you and without a sense of compromise on both sides it will be hard to resolve. Good luck - hope you can come to an agreement that works for both of you but in the interim take care of yourself - lots of good ideas up thread - social groups, sport, volunteering etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 people when relatively young need "life" a quiet place in the backwater might be OK for a retired couple or even some younger people who are not that bothered about meeting other people, visiting different places and seeing just something different. You say the pubs shut at 7.30 :eek: WTF is going on there. Move closer to the city where there is actual life....sounds horrendous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumpingjellybean Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 THE DILEMMA:-I have a constant feeling of loneliness and isolation and feel I've made the biggest mistake of my life by moving to Oz. Well your biggest mistake is obviously living on 2.5 acres, in a rural area where you can't even see your neighbours houses Your second mistake is living so far out And your third mistake is possibly being in a relationship where you and your partner are SO very different in your needs and wants. I don't view things as "mistakes". More as learning experiences. So from this experience, you learn the lesson, that you would be better suited to living, working and socializing in a city or closer to a big town. Looks like there is a big UK ex-pat community in Brisbane : http://brit.meetup.com/cities/au/brisbane/ If you meet some new friends you can "chew the fat" with them at a pub at is open until 1am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumpingjellybean Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 living on 2.5 acres, in a rural area where you can't even see your neighbours houses Although this sounds absolutely perfect for me - would love to live in such a remote "backwater" - personally very envious that you are lucky enough to live in such a place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Although this sounds absolutely perfect for me - would love to live in such a remote "backwater" - personally very envious that you are lucky enough to live in such a place. sounds lovely...but the reality for most would be shattered after a month of boredom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumpingjellybean Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 sounds lovely...but the reality for most would be shattered after a month of boredom. You maybe - not me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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