Rachel Tilley Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 In less than two weeks my 12 year old son is moving from England to Australia to live with his dad for five months to get a feel for life in Australia. He is going with my blessing (not that I want him to leave me, but he is unhappy in England and I think he needs to have this time to 'find' himself'.) This was all confirmed last Monday and Tuesday, and now he is being really nasty and unreasonable to me. He won't do anything I ask him to do and just looks at me defiantly as if to say "make me do it then - how are you going to do that?" and when I asked him to put his dirty clothes in the linen basket he snapped "do it yourself." He spends all of his time in his bedroom after school now and will only come down for his dinner after lots of calling and eventually, shouting, at him to do so. He doesn't want to do anything with me at all. I've asked him what he would like to do today and he's said "nothing." A friend of mine has invited us over to a BBQ later today and when I told my son we were going to that he snapped "I'm not going, I won't know anyone" so I told him that's exactly what it's going to be like in Australia - he won't know anyone, so today will be a good practice session for him to learn how to meet new people and make small talk! We then had an argument about it and he said he will stay at home and I can go on my own. I know for sure his dad won't take that attitude when he is with him and his dad will expect him to go to all sorts of places where he has never met people before. Shortly after that, his dad rang him, and he answered the phone full of joy and chatted away for over half an hour. I heard him say "you're not going to nag are you? mum's always nagging me." He also wants to take his PS4 to Australia with him and wants me to pack it in his suitcase. I've told him he's not taking it and it is staying here until he makes up his mind where he wants to live for good, at which point I will sell it and let him have the money to buy another one in Oz as this one could get damaged in transit etc. He thinks I'm mean and said his dad said he could take it so I should let him take it. I also heard him say to his dad "mum thinks I'll come back to live with her because the PS4 is here, that's why she won't let me bring it, but we can just buy another one can't we." I'm barely holding it together at the moment. There is a terrible atmosphere in the house and it feels like my son hates me right now. He said to me on Thursday night "is there any way I can go to Dad's sooner?" I'm trying to ignore all of this and carry on as normal. I know this sounds dramatic, but I feel like I'm living in limbo and it's like waiting for someone you love to die when you know the end is near and the death is inevitable. There is this big elephant in the room all the time! My family are all upset that he is going away, but we are doing our best not to let him see that and are openly supporting his decision. We are definitely NOT doing or saying anything to try and influence his decision over where to live, or emotionally blackmail him in any way as we know that he has to make his own mind up now, so he is going with all of our blessings. I feel such a failure as a mum right now, I've always done my best to make his life happy, but it was never good enough. He is getting what he wants, this is all of his choice, so why is he being so nasty to me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyHeart Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 You poor thing Rachel:((( He is probably confused. Confused kids lash out. He's probably feeling guilty as hell for wanting to leave you. The atmosphere must be dreadful and whatever you say to him the vibes will be saying otherwise. Just be kind and patient as you can be at this tough time. My guess is he will come back to you. Teach him your love is totally non-judgmental and he will always know where he has a home. Feel for you. Be strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pommie Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Rachel I really feel for you. I wonder if part of his behaviour is linked to the fact that he doesn't want to leave you / be separated from you. So I get that he would want to be with his dad, and would push forward with plans to return to Oz... but now he is facing the reality that your not going to be going with him. Maybe, this was his way of re-unitig his family and his resentment is your not going with him / so its not going to happen.... I don't know and I'm guess - but if his behaviour has just changed, then it makes sense its linked to the move... and perhaps is less about him making the move and more about you not making the move.... A hard one - just continue to be there for him... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I bet he is angry about you not letting him take his PS4. He loves that thing after all and your making him leave it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nickandpaula Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Can you not say that unless his attitude changes the whole thing is off? He needs to realise how hard this is going to be leaving his mum. I wish I could take my mum with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 He's mentally leaving you. Easier to leave someone when they annoy you than if they are being nice. Keep strong I really feel for you, it's bringing back some painful memories for me I must be honest. Reading your post though I just don't see any other way around it like me back then you're the devil if you do and the devil if you don't. :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I'm not a parent so I could be totally off base, but two things occur to me. One is that you're all being so careful to "support his decision". That sounds good in theory, but could you be going too far? When I left home (admittedly much older than your son), my family were so positive about my departure, I started to feel like they couldn't wait to get me off their hands. It's important not to weep and wail, but he does need to be reminded how much he will be missed IMO. Maybe if, when he asked why he should go to the BBQ, you'd said, "because I'm going to miss you so much, I want to spend as much time as I can with you before you go", you might have got a different reaction? At the same time, I think Que Sera Sera has a point. It happens in marriage breakups too - I remember, when my first husband was cheating on me (which I didn't know at the time), he started picking fault with me all the time. It was like he was trying to manufacture reasons for his decision to leave me. As for the PS4 - you can't put it in checked baggage, it will either get damaged or stolen. But why can't he take it as his hand luggage? http://www.amazon.com/Playstation-Carrying-Case-Bag-AMAGLE/dp/B00JYGT2BY/ref=pd_sim_sbs_63_4?ie=UTF8&refRID=1ZSGS971SGJN6ZCCTDGB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckleface Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 For what it's worth I agree with HH and QSS. Just keep breathing Rachel and remind yourself his current behaviour doesn't mean he doesn't love you. In fact I think his behaviour is a telling sign of how very much he does love you. He's young though and trying to process what will be very confusing and stressful emotions in the only way he can. You are his safe harbour so don't let his current behaviour provoke you into doing or saying anything that might cause him to doubt that when he snaps back to normal. :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I agree with Marissa about your son picking fault with you - trying to manufacture reasons for his decision to go to Australia. I have two sons and I would have been broken hearted if I was in your position. I feel so sad for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Don't feel you're failure as a mother he's probably just acting out right now as he feels guilty for leaving you. His emotions are all over the shop right now i'd imagine. He's more than likely torn somewhat between wanting to be with you both. Some boys are hard pressed to express their feelings and emotions and acting out is one way some chose to do so. Do what you're already doing be patient, loving and reassuring towards him. He has a big decision coming in the future and probably isn't sure what he's going to do. You're doing the right thing by letting him go as hard as it is. If you didn't let him go he'd only resent you in the long run. Good luck with it all. I feel for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PomCop Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 In less than two weeks my 12 year old son is moving from England to Australia to live with his dad for five months to get a feel for life in Australia. He is going with my blessing (not that I want him to leave me, but he is unhappy in England and I think he needs to have this time to 'find' himself'.) This was all confirmed last Monday and Tuesday, and now he is being really nasty and unreasonable to me. He won't do anything I ask him to do and just looks at me defiantly as if to say "make me do it then - how are you going to do that?" and when I asked him to put his dirty clothes in the linen basket he snapped "do it yourself." He spends all of his time in his bedroom after school now and will only come down for his dinner after lots of calling and eventually, shouting, at him to do so. He doesn't want to do anything with me at all. I've asked him what he would like to do today and he's said "nothing." A friend of mine has invited us over to a BBQ later today and when I told my son we were going to that he snapped "I'm not going, I won't know anyone" so I told him that's exactly what it's going to be like in Australia - he won't know anyone, so today will be a good practice session for him to learn how to meet new people and make small talk! We then had an argument about it and he said he will stay at home and I can go on my own. I know for sure his dad won't take that attitude when he is with him and his dad will expect him to go to all sorts of places where he has never met people before. Shortly after that, his dad rang him, and he answered the phone full of joy and chatted away for over half an hour. I heard him say "you're not going to nag are you? mum's always nagging me." He also wants to take his PS4 to Australia with him and wants me to pack it in his suitcase. I've told him he's not taking it and it is staying here until he makes up his mind where he wants to live for good, at which point I will sell it and let him have the money to buy another one in Oz as this one could get damaged in transit etc. He thinks I'm mean and said his dad said he could take it so I should let him take it. I also heard him say to his dad "mum thinks I'll come back to live with her because the PS4 is here, that's why she won't let me bring it, but we can just buy another one can't we." I'm barely holding it together at the moment. There is a terrible atmosphere in the house and it feels like my son hates me right now. He said to me on Thursday night "is there any way I can go to Dad's sooner?" I'm trying to ignore all of this and carry on as normal. I know this sounds dramatic, but I feel like I'm living in limbo and it's like waiting for someone you love to die when you know the end is near and the death is inevitable. There is this big elephant in the room all the time! My family are all upset that he is going away, but we are doing our best not to let him see that and are openly supporting his decision. We are definitely NOT doing or saying anything to try and influence his decision over where to live, or emotionally blackmail him in any way as we know that he has to make his own mind up now, so he is going with all of our blessings. I feel such a failure as a mum right now, I've always done my best to make his life happy, but it was never good enough. He is getting what he wants, this is all of his choice, so why is he being so nasty to me? Rachel I can completely relate to your son. 100%. I am exactly the same (or used to be) when something was happening in my life that I am nervous about. He will most likely be anxious and nervous about the flight and going to Australia for that period of time. He will act up, put a barrier up (it's human nature not to show weakness) and be nasty. The other thing is... He is a teenager. Hormones will be all over the place, especially with unnecessary stress and not getting out much. He's probably being nasty because he doesn't want to get upset himself. He's putting this barrier up to protect himself and you. He doesn't want to cry, get all emotional and then not want to go. Trust me on this one. When he gets to Aus and he is away from his mum for a few weeks, he will wish that he never said the things he did. Never did the things he did. Probably get a little homesick and when he comes back (which might be sooner than what you think) you will be closer than ever. Just play it out for a few weeks, but don't be taken for a mug. He wants your reactions for the attention. You getting mad at him shows that you do actually care and love him. We work in mysterious ways, but this behaviour is totally normal. If you want to PM me about the "finding himself" part with more details - as I have another story that could help - then feel free. My inbox is always there :-) Take care. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I don't normally write on these posts, but want to send you love. Such a tough time for you both I think. My youngest, daughter, was 13 when we moved to Brunei and left (abandoned) her in boarding school in UK. Not the same scenario, but had similar behaviour, alternated between being excited and scared silly. I expect he is excited and scared, and the easiest person to take it out on is you. All I can suggest is keep telling him you love him, tell him you respect his decision and keep your fingers crossed he ends up preferring to live with you. Don't push him at the moment, now is not the time to meet him head on, tell him you understand, you might qualify for an Oscar! but you will feel so bad if you part on bad terms. Also perhaps he's nervous about the flight? I used to behave a bit badly myself when the time came near for my daughter to return to boarding school after holidays with us, because I couldn't bear the thought of her leaving, and I was a grown up. Wish you all the best, xM Sounds from other posts that I am the only one who has had to cope with a young child so far away, even though different circumstances, so I understand what you are going through, it hurts. Lots of advice from posts for you, but I only know what worked for me, and that was constant reassurance of our love for her. and admit to spoiling her a bit when she was with us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I'm not a parent so I could be totally off base, but two things occur to me. One is that you're all being so careful to "support his decision". That sounds good in theory, but could you be going too far? When I left home (admittedly much older than your son), my family were so positive about my departure, I started to feel like they couldn't wait to get me off their hands. It's important not to weep and wail, but he does need to be reminded how much he will be missed IMO. Maybe if, when he asked why he should go to the BBQ, you'd said, "because I'm going to miss you so much, I want to spend as much time as I can with you before you go", you might have got a different reaction? At the same time, I think Que Sera Sera has a point. It happens in marriage breakups too - I remember, when my first husband was cheating on me (which I didn't know at the time), he started picking fault with me all the time. It was like he was trying to manufacture reasons for his decision to leave me. As for the PS4 - you can't put it in checked baggage, it will either get damaged or stolen. But why can't he take it as his hand luggage? http://www.amazon.com/Playstation-Carrying-Case-Bag-AMAGLE/dp/B00JYGT2BY/ref=pd_sim_sbs_63_4?ie=UTF8&refRID=1ZSGS971SGJN6ZCCTDGB I think the crucial difference here is that he's not leaving home he's going off to re-discover his relationship with his Father. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I also think it is pretty typical behaviour for a boy that age. He needs someone to let off steam to- and that is you. To justify himself he is trying to tell himself his Dad is perfect and offering a 'perfect' life. Pretty sure the reality will click in after a couple of weeks over there! You sound like a really sensible, caring mum and in the long run I am sure things will work out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the bottler Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 [ATTACH=CONFIG]30488[/ATTACH] a big hug Rachel ... you ARE a good Mum ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country vic Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 As I have said before I think looking for 'advice' to complex issues on Internet forums is rather dangerous. Having said that I will make one observation. For some years you appear to have made you and your son a team, the two of you v the world. I feel mothers are prone to doing this, on the surface it's look like mothers are being selfless, women must never be 'selfish' of course. It is easy to become to dependant on kids, especially if they are only children, this is a lot of pressure for a kid. If you put more effort into making building a life separate from him it might be easier for him to move into his own autonomous life without any 'guilt' of leaving you lonely. At 12 he will be moving into an adult life, following his own interests without you being involved, he will start to need privacy and separation, it would be helpful if he was confident you will also have independence and be happy with your own life as he moves away. Sefless seems a good thing but I question that, be a mother not a martyr. If have you neglected your own needs and used your son as your friend, rock and reason for living...... that seems a lot of responsibility for a kid, if it's his 'job' to make you happy and content that's a big burden for him to carry. Do you have plans what your life will be while he is away, and how things will be if /when he returns. Have you planned to have more separation as he, inevitably, wants and needs his own. It won't be long before your son enters the minefield of the dating world, I have seen, and experienced, the competition that can develop between mothers and girlfriends and partners, it's not good. I feel this trip can be a good thing for you both, it will give you time and space to consider how to move forward and what future you want for yourself. Maybe it's time to step back and let him work things out for himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Big hugs - difficult time for the both of you. I think you need to keep doing what you're doing. With the washing - I've said to my two at times "if it's not in the basket it's not getting done by me" ... amazing when they can't wear their favourite stuff how it finds it's way magically into the washing basket .... same with dinner - i'll shout you once, if you don't come then it'll be cold. It helped me from getting overly annoyed and arguments happening that were really about nothing in particular. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Is there another adult he feels close to in the UK that could sit down with him and say "hey, don't be hard on your mum, she's hurting too, you know, cut her some slack"? Doesn't need to be a big heart to heart, just drop the seeds in and he'll do some thinking. It sounds like you've brought him up brilliantly so even if on the surface he's acting up, underneath he's still the loving son you know is in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country vic Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 "if it's not in the basket it's not getting done by me" ... amazing when they can't wear their favourite stuff how it finds it's way magically into the washing basket .... same with dinner - i'll shout you once, if you don't come then it'll be cold. It helped me from getting overly annoyed and arguments happening that were really about nothing in particular. At what age do 'children' start taking responsilbity for their own washing and meals. i would think older children could take their turn doing washing and making meals, they can be the ones saying 'I am doing some washing, do you want to put some in' or 'I'll do dinner tonight'. Mother doesn't mean servant, boys who grow up with a servant have habit of expecting a wife to be the servant. Years ago I was at a woman's house, she was the single parent of two boys, and her son (who was in the same class as mine) came in, he was about 11 at the time, and said to her (in a tone that was more like an order) why aren't my shoes clean, I was amazed and said to him 'who will clean your shoes when your mother is not around' without a missing a beat he said (with no irony) 'my wife' he said this as if it was obvious. When I suggested he should clean his own shoes and stop treating his mother like a servant, both the 11 year old and his mother looked at me like I was mad so I have no doubt she carried on waiting on both of her boys, the other son was about 14 and he was 'helpless' as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 When I suggested he should clean his own shoes and stop treating his mother like a servant, both the 11 year old and his mother looked at me like I was mad so I have no doubt she carried on waiting on both of her boys, the other son was about 14 and he was 'helpless' as well. Are you always so outspoken in someone else's home ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Sorry to hear what you're going through Rachel - must be heartbreaking. His dad's place probably seems really exotic right now - Hopefully your ex will lay down the law and not indulge him, and your son will appreciate you a bit more in retrospect. I am the tough one in our relationship with our son, and my hubby is pretty soft so i get a hard time as well. Super challenging when there is the distance! It's a dreadful age and he is doing something really scary. He is lashing out at you - I- try not to be too hard on yourself - you sound like a brilliant mum, and I'm sure in time your son will be thankful that you were so supportive. think I'd cave over the PS4 though - in hand luggage - choose your battles.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToowoombaBlue Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I'm pretty confident that once the dust has settled, wallabies and roos seem like everyday sightings and the day trips start to dwindle, he will soon realise how much you did for him and how much he misses and loves you. Don't beat yourself up over it, all I would do is find a calm moment, hold him and tell him how much you love him and to let him know that you will always be there for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Thank you all again for your words of wisdom, support and advice, and thank you to those who have sent me personal messages too. Between you all, there are things I hadn't thought of and it has helped me to put things in to perspective. I do have plans for when he is gone. I have a great job that I can develop even further and can work the weekends and evenings without feeling guilty or having to arrange childcare. I can go dancing on Tuesday nights with my friend (she's been wanting me to go for ages) and I can make more use of my Cineworld Unlimited card :laugh: I know I have put my life on hold and put my son first for years as I've never wanted him to feel that he comes down my list of priorities to random boyfriends who may come and go! However, I shall not let him know how busy and carefree my life has become in his absence because he may feel that he can't come back because I will have to give these things up again, I don't want him to think he's been holding me back for all these years, I've been willingly holding back. However, I shall let him know that I'm fine and getting on with things and as long as he's happy I'm happy. This move will be a massive change for both of us. As many on here find, once you've made that move to another country and lived that life for a little while life is never the same again. I guess if he does come back then he will be a ping-pong pom for a long time to come. :arghh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 His dad's place probably seems really exotic right now.. If it's Adelaide he's coming to, then 'exotic' is far from what it will seem - bloody cold, grey and miserable here at the moment - he'll be glad to get back to the UK! ((((hugs)))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyHeart Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I think what he wants, he can never have and that's Mum and Dad in the same place. It sounds like he has a good relationship with his Dad and he seems to have his best interests at heart....soon enough the roles will be reversed and Dad will be the full time parent making the tough decisions and being unpopular. Right now he can't process what he's feeling and there's no chance he will admit any fears or worries to you about the move. Kids of that age think purely with their hearts IME and what seems like the best idea right now may lose its appeal when it is freely available. You may find your relationship strengthens over the years even if he does decide to stay in Australia. He'll get to holiday with Mum and it will be a novelty. Just let him do it on his own terms for now. 12 is a tough age, he'll be battling surging hormones and figuring out what he wants and who he is. I think you're right he will ping pong. Things to tug at the heartstrings in both countries. It must be really tough for all concerned in these situations not least the children. As for the PS4....I'd let Dad buy another. He'll need his for when he comes home if not for good for holidays. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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