bennyboy Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Hi all, Just found out our daughter lost her job because of her tattoos. If she cant find another job, no matter what it is, she may lose her flat and she will become homeless. She doesnt have much savings, and the government may not support her because of losing her job. She has grandparents nearby and her older brother for support, but they are not in a position to house her. We are trying to give her sound advice and guide her and i suggested that maybe she comes over here to be with us. But my husband said thats just running away from the problem and how will she support herself once she is here, she may not get a job here either. She is an australian citizen by decent so she will have no problem getting here and she may be entitled to new start whilst she looks for work. My question is this: Do we encourage her to try and find work in the UK and keep her independence (nearly 23) and friends or get her to come to oz and see how it goes. She is very head strong and stubborn and has often learnt the hard way through her mistakes and not listening to advice. She is very much loved but it was her choice to not to australia with us 1 year ago. Everything was going well for her until now. We have an older son in the Uk, who lives with his girlfriend and baby, with another on the way. We gave both of them the opportunity to comes with us but for their own reasons, they decided to stay in the UK. My husband and I also have a 9 year old son and we have started to make a life for ourselves here in oz. We earn fairly good money and I have my 2 brothers here also. I am an australian and wanted to move back here to have a better quality of life after living in blighty for many years. My mum has tried to say that she feels sorry for my daughter and that we should be back in the uk supporting my daughter. I am worried that is she cant get things right she spiral into despair and do something stupid. I know if your not in this dilema it might be difficult to comment but i would value anyones views please. Thanks in advance L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 She is 23, most people are standing on their own two feet and making their own decisions over where to live at that age. I think you should leave her to it, perhaps just say to her something like "there is always a home here for you if you need it" and leave it at that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Sorry to hear this, I can't offer much help as I'm struggling guiding my middle son at the minute. I suppose you need to ask her what she wants. Surely hey can't fire her for tattoos unless they are visible. Can't she claim housing benefit? It sounds like she is lucky in that she has a good support network and I'm sure if push came to shove she could stay temp with someone in the UK. I was hoping by the time mine reached 23 I wouldn't be as stressed, now I see I'm always going to worry, but remember its her life now she has to learn by her mistakes. Hard I know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Is someone playing the guilt card on you here. You shouldn't ordinarily lose a job just for a tattoo. If she is not going to get any benefits then that would imply that she left her job or made herself intentionally unemployable. What was her response when you suggested she join you in Australia......does she expect you to drop everything and come back? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 if Abercrombie & Fitch can sack people for being ugly, fat or disabled then an employer could certainly sack someone for tattoos! Lots of employers have a policy on tattoos especially in customer facing roles although as PQ says they'd need to be visible. As a tattoo'd person married to a very tattoo'd person you are making a choice about limiting certain opportunities and at 23 she is old enough to live with the consequences of that choice. I don't think you bailing her out is the right thing to do, if she had actually said she wanted to move to Australia that would be different but don't hand it to her on a plate. How she navigates this challenge will be part of her maturity in adulthood - at about that age I was already married with a mortgage, recession hit and my OH was made redundant - there were no jobs for a not long out of uni engineer with only military experience (it was the end of the cold war too). We came very close to losing our house - many friends did - and the whole experience was when I grew up. I have seen friends still acting irresponsibly well into adulthood because they had parents were always there as a safety net - it's not healthy. However I agree entirely with the 'there's always a home with us' approach but I'd be offering that much further down the line. But I'd be offering it not as a parent to a child but as one family member to another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xxlornaxx Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 The best thing u can do for her and her future self is not pick up all the pieces for her...shes a grown up and needs to learn how to face these challenges as hopefully she will have many more life lesssons and adventures ahead of her. ..let her know she will always be welcome to come to you and let her get on wth it...shes 23 and probably alot more clued up n capable than u think...I wouldnt appreciate my mum getting over involved...also alot of your concerns are what 'may' happen..and she wont listen to you anyway..she'll do what she wants and so she should..its the only way to learn x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Agree with the others. I think the offer is good, but leave it at that. Another thing your daughter could consider so better able to put a bit more money away or to live more frugally for a while if money is tight would be downsizing into a house share or renting a room. Usually a number of utilities etc are included and its cheaper all round. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Agree with the others. I think the offer is good, but leave it at that. Another thing your daughter could consider so better able to put a bit more money away or to live more frugally for a while if money is tight would be downsizing into a house share or renting a room. Usually a number of utilities etc are included and its cheaper all round. On the other hand I'm not sure how that impacts housing benefit - maybe a trip to the local CAB to get advise would be helpful before she does anything. At 23 in the UK she must be entitled to some benefits, especially if she has been working - give up her flat and move to Australia she'd be entitled to nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ptp113 Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 At 23 I was leaving the military for a job with NASA. She needs to learn the consequences of her actions, if she doesn't now she never will! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 She's an adult, let her deal with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 What was the tattoo and where was it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindor Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 I would dismiss your mums advice, I wouldn't uproot a 9 year old to go back for a 23 year old in those circumstances. I think I'd do the same as you and tell her she can join you in Australia. Then she'll have to make her own decision. Surely her Grandparents and brother wouldn't see her homeless? I hope she gets sorted, even if she is an adult she's your baby and you must be so worried for her. I wish you all well x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northernbird Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 At 23 I had a mortgage. Sadly today's youth have no idea have to look after themselves because parents just pick up the pieces. I hope she gets sorted out but she is old enough to try and sort it out for herself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katie Birdie Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 I know how you feel - I am emigrating leaving a 24 year old and 23 old in UK (in my home). You still feel you need to look after her. I think she is lucky you are still looking out for her and offering her to come out to Oz if that's what she wants - she's a lucky girl being offered this opportunity. I would then leave her to make the decision on her own - whether to stay in UK or come out to OZ to start a new life for herself - as soon as she arrives she has to look out for a job and support herself, you will provide a roof over her head and support to start her off. Hi all, Just found out our daughter lost her job because of her tattoos. If she cant find another job, no matter what it is, she may lose her flat and she will become homeless. She doesnt have much savings, and the government may not support her because of losing her job. She has grandparents nearby and her older brother for support, but they are not in a position to house her. We are trying to give her sound advice and guide her and i suggested that maybe she comes over here to be with us. But my husband said thats just running away from the problem and how will she support herself once she is here, she may not get a job here either. She is an australian citizen by decent so she will have no problem getting here and she may be entitled to new start whilst she looks for work. My question is this: Do we encourage her to try and find work in the UK and keep her independence (nearly 23) and friends or get her to come to oz and see how it goes. She is very head strong and stubborn and has often learnt the hard way through her mistakes and not listening to advice. She is very much loved but it was her choice to not to australia with us 1 year ago. Everything was going well for her until now. We have an older son in the Uk, who lives with his girlfriend and baby, with another on the way. We gave both of them the opportunity to comes with us but for their own reasons, they decided to stay in the UK. My husband and I also have a 9 year old son and we have started to make a life for ourselves here in oz. We earn fairly good money and I have my 2 brothers here also. I am an australian and wanted to move back here to have a better quality of life after living in blighty for many years. My mum has tried to say that she feels sorry for my daughter and that we should be back in the uk supporting my daughter. I am worried that is she cant get things right she spiral into despair and do something stupid. I know if your not in this dilema it might be difficult to comment but i would value anyones views please. Thanks in advance L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicF Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 If your daughter had moved to Australia and you had stayed in the UK would your mum be saying you should move to Australia to support her? It's hard - once a parent, always a parent - you never stop caring or worrying. But I agree with the others that you have to let her lead her own life, make her own mistakes and sort herself out. Offer moral support and sympathy via whatever medium suits you best, let her know she is always welcome in your home and leave her to sort it out herself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindor Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 If your daughter had moved to Australia and you had stayed in the UK would your mum be saying you should move to Australia to support her? It's hard - once a parent, always a parent - you never stop caring or worrying. But I agree with the others that you have to let her lead her own life, make her own mistakes and sort herself out. Offer moral support and sympathy via whatever medium suits you best, let her know she is always welcome in your home and leave her to sort it out herself. Thats a good point! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Sorry I'm with the others, at 23 I too had a mortgage and had a baby. That baby is now 22 and lives in Brisbane while we are in Perth. She lives independently and has various life crises ( like we all did at that age) I'm here a flight away or a phone call , but that's all the support she gets. She is a grown woman. Everybody gets all up in arms about tattoos and percing quoting human rights , that facts are employers can and do have policies on them and can and do dismiss because of them. I honestly believe the vest thing we can do for our grown up kids is to let them stand on their own two feet . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 On the other hand I'm not sure how that impacts housing benefit - maybe a trip to the local CAB to get advise would be helpful before she does anything. At 23 in the UK she must be entitled to some benefits, especially if she has been working - give up her flat and move to Australia she'd be entitled to nothing. I'm going out from her being in work as it is still a money saving thing. As I understand it even if she were in a house share, housing benefit can be paid if eligible, although things may have changed. Landlords still want rent. Many landlords won't rent flats/houses to unemployed people so may find if out if work the landlord may not renew the lease or accept housing benefit payments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Wow a lack of sympathy for the poster. Yes of course you should be grown up by 23, and yes of course you should be able to sort your life out, but in all honesty unless you have been in the position of being on the other side of the world when your possibly vulnerable grown up daughter is in a mess you can't quite understand the feeling of helplessness. I'm sure she can probably stay on friends sofas as a stop gap, and after the initial panic of how can we help, the reality of the situation hits and you realize there isn't much you can do apart from the obvious, eg send money!! Not saying you should do this,give long distance advice, and that they have to sort themselves out. I've been there and sympathise with the poster, but as said before they have to sort themselves out, but it is important that you let them know they have your support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blossom Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 There has been plenty of sympathy on this thread. Just because the advice isn't what you agree with doesn't mean it's not sympathetic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckleface Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Not jumping straight in and 'saving' your adult children is the hardest thing you have to do as a loving parent. I agree with the others who suggested you tell her she will always have a home with you (in Aust) if she needs it but I wouldn't do anything else at this point apart from listening to her and providing encouragement. My son is a soldier and I remember thinking when he was serving in Afghanistan that if I could just be there with him I would be able to look after him and keep him safe. I knew it was a ridiculous thing to be thinking but my fear for his safety removed all rational thoughts. We will always want to protect our children, we just need to learn to do it in a different way - encouragement to solve problems rather than solving their problems. Good luck - I suspect you will be more stressed than she is until she sorts herself out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 There has been plenty of sympathy on this thread. Just because the advice isn't what you agree with doesn't mean it's not sympathetic. Sorry I suppose I was referring to the odd post of how sorted some posters were by the age of 23, which possibly wasn't relevant didn't mean to detract or disagree from most of the advice given. As usual what you type doesn't always come across how it was meant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 I don't blame you for being worried - you're a mum and in the same circumstances I'd be worried, yes she's 23, yes she's an adult but she's first and foremost your child. All our children are different and all our children don't follow the same paths as ourselves, I'd left home at 20, my daughter will still be at home at 20 due to study. I would as others have suggested let her know that she can stay with you, assist her in pointing her in the right direction for support and advice in the UK for her current difficulties, let her know you're there to talk and listen, be practical, help her sort out what her options are ... I deal with adults much older who when a crisis hits them have difficulty processing what they feel they need to do. Avoid the "I think you should do" ... again go through options (doing nothing always being one of them), and say "so what do you want to do"/"which way are you going to go"? You can still be a mum without being a rescuer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 ... She is very head strong and stubborn and has often learnt the hard way through her mistakes and not listening to advice.... This is the bit of your post that really jumped out at me. You're not going to be able to make her do something that isn't her idea, whatever you want to do, and whatever you as her parent think is best. As a parent of a stubborn 18 year old I feel your pain, but all you can do, as one of the other posters suggested, is let her know you are there for you if she needs you, then step back and let her make her own choices. The harder you push, the harder she will push back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bennyboy Posted October 20, 2013 Author Share Posted October 20, 2013 Thank you so much to everyone that has taken the time to post your comments on the subject. I will certainly read them over again and take in what has been stated and act upon the advice. :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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