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Tricky

Dilemma whether to stay or go

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5 minutes ago, Beckfield said:

Hello Tricky, I really sympathise with that feeling of uncertainty as to what's best for your family and whether you should go back or stay in SA.  Personally, I would certainly go.  Bonds with extended family can't really be forged easily when the visits are few and far between, and your daughter is just a tot, so it would be really lovely for her to grow up knowing her extended family.  I was a child of a migrant family back decades ago, and we always missed our grandparents and aunts, uncles and cousins so much.  Whenever there were weddings or other special family occasions we were always the ones who were stuck here unable to go, and to some extent it affects your identity because you're cut off from your relatives and feel removed from the clan, if you know what I mean.  We missed out on lots being so far away from everyone else we loved.  Living 30-50 minutes away is nothing, given the distances we all do living in Australia.  I travel an hour to the nearest major town.  So personally, I say Go, and rejoin your family.  Life's so short....  and the need to belong is so important.  All the best!!

I mentioned in another thread that if my sons had been born in the UK, I doubt we would have come to Australia for the reasons you state above about grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.  However our sons were born here and my Mum was their only grandparent alive and she came to stay for 3 or 4 months at a time regularly when they were growing up.  She died when they were 10 and 11 years old.  Plus they visited her in Scotland as often as we could.  Their only uncle lived in Thailand and visited us often with their cousins.  My sister and only sister in law don't have any children so my kids didn't miss out on extended family stuff.  Very different for people with larger extended families though.

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Well it's all go at our end. Currently getting the house ready for sale is going well and we are counting down the weeks. Have had some quotes for the dog's shipping and now we have to start sorting belongings. 

It's interesting, but we've never really realised that we've been missing out on family life until now. And our daughters birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and we are so relieved that it'll be the last birthday where it's the three of us and next time the whole family can be there instead of on Skype. 

Only 20 weeks or so left. It'll fly by. 

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20 minutes ago, Tricky said:

Well it's all go at our end. Currently getting the house ready for sale is going well and we are counting down the weeks. Have had some quotes for the dog's shipping and now we have to start sorting belongings. 

It's interesting, but we've never really realised that we've been missing out on family life until now. And our daughters birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and we are so relieved that it'll be the last birthday where it's the three of us and next time the whole family can be there instead of on Skype. 

Only 20 weeks or so left. It'll fly by. 

As you say, the 20 weeks will fly by!  All the best to you and your family Tricky.

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14 hours ago, Tricky said:

Well it's all go at our end. Currently getting the house ready for sale is going well and we are counting down the weeks. Have had some quotes for the dog's shipping and now we have to start sorting belongings. 

It's interesting, but we've never really realised that we've been missing out on family life until now. And our daughters birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and we are so relieved that it'll be the last birthday where it's the three of us and next time the whole family can be there instead of on Skype. 

Only 20 weeks or so left. It'll fly by. 

That's so exciting Tricky.  Wish you and your family all the very best.  Lots of happy times ahead.  

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It really is so difficult. I am now finding in recent weeks that my daughter is going out and staying at friends more and more and i almost feel like its empty nest. But what is left behind is me as i am now feeling so depressed. It is Sunday and i am sitting on my bed all day, hubby is doing some jobs around the house but i am unable to as the feelings of lonliness and isolation have become too much. I am avoiding going out and only really visit elderly parents up the road each day. I have found once my daughter grew up there is absolutely nothing for me in Australia. I have no interests and no inclination to try now. I do however have doctors appt in an hour to discuss depression.

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I thought you had made the decision to go back,  Scousers1?

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23 minutes ago, Scousers1 said:

It really is so difficult. I am now finding in recent weeks that my daughter is going out and staying at friends more and more and i almost feel like its empty nest. But what is left behind is me as i am now feeling so depressed. It is Sunday and i am sitting on my bed all day, hubby is doing some jobs around the house but i am unable to as the feelings of lonliness and isolation have become too much. I am avoiding going out and only really visit elderly parents up the road each day. I have found once my daughter grew up there is absolutely nothing for me in Australia. I have no interests and no inclination to try now. I do however have doctors appt in an hour to discuss depression.

I never saw much of my sons once they left school and went to uni then on to employment.  It's part of life I think whether you like it or not.  They have their own lives to lead.  It doesn't mean they don't love you any less.  In a way it's good your daughter is getting out and about because didn't you say she wasn't one for going out at one time.   Now it's time to think about yourself and feeling better about life.  Hopefully your doctor will help you too.

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39 minutes ago, Scousers1 said:

It really is so difficult. I am now finding in recent weeks that my daughter is going out and staying at friends more and more and i almost feel like its empty nest. But what is left behind is me as i am now feeling so depressed. It is Sunday and i am sitting on my bed all day, hubby is doing some jobs around the house but i am unable to as the feelings of lonliness and isolation have become too much. I am avoiding going out and only really visit elderly parents up the road each day. I have found once my daughter grew up there is absolutely nothing for me in Australia. I have no interests and no inclination to try now. I do however have doctors appt in an hour to discuss depression.

Good luck with the doc! It sounds like a mental health plan is going to be the way for you to go. Get a good CBT or ACT therapist and hopefully you will be armed with strategies to get your life back on track.

Its good that your daughter is getting out and getting a life of her own, that really frees you up to get yours going again!

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4 hours ago, Toots said:

I never saw much of my sons once they left school and went to uni then on to employment.  It's part of life I think whether you like it or not.  They have their own lives to lead.  It doesn't mean they don't love you any less.  In a way it's good your daughter is getting out and about because didn't you say she wasn't one for going out at one time.   Now it's time to think about yourself and feeling better about life.  Hopefully your doctor will help you too.

There certainly comes a time that you need your kids far more than they need you. As has been said, its life, they are only ever on loan to us.  You have so much living to do yourself and many find new and exciting things to do once the kids are older. I hope you get the help you need and deserve and have a happy future.

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32 minutes ago, Tulip1 said:

There certainly comes a time that you need your kids far more than they need you. As has been said, its life, they are only ever on loan to us.  You have so much living to do yourself and many find new and exciting things to do once the kids are older. I hope you get the help you need and deserve and have a happy future.

I always feel guilty when I read about "empty nesters".   I don't have children and until my own friends were old enough to see their kids leave home, I had NO idea it was such a wrench for mothers when their kids leave home.  None at all.

I left home at 19 without a backward glance.  Of course I was fond of my parents, but I assumed they'd be glad to see the back of me and my sisters, as they wouldn't have the work of looking after us any more.  I thought they'd relish having all that free time.  


Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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9 hours ago, Marisawright said:

I always feel guilty when I read about "empty nesters".   I don't have children and until my own friends were old enough to see their kids leave home, I had NO idea it was such a wrench for mothers when their kids leave home. 

 

 Some feel it much more than others.  Mine certainly didn't.  She was always concerned about our welfare, of course - and we gave her numerous occasions for worry after we left home - but she really relished her new freedom to do her own thing.  Your mother may well have been the same...so I don't think you should feel guilty at all.  

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10 hours ago, Marisawright said:

I always feel guilty when I read about "empty nesters".   I don't have children and until my own friends were old enough to see their kids leave home, I had NO idea it was such a wrench for mothers when their kids leave home.  None at all.

I left home at 19 without a backward glance.  Of course I was fond of my parents, but I assumed they'd be glad to see the back of me and my sisters, as they wouldn't have the work of looking after us any more.  I thought they'd relish having all that free time.  

I left home without a backward glance too - never gave them a thought at all when I moved to the other side of the world (twice), not even when I took their only grandchild with me.  When my own boys left home I couldnt wait to clear their rooms (well, almost) and the fact that one of them is now living in our home is a bit of a challenge but, given our situation, he is doing us a huge favour by doing so.  I gave my lads gifts to inspire them to move out from quite an early age - Jamie Oliver cookbook, frying pan, carving knife, etc.  I dont really get the angst of the empty nesters.  Surely if you do your job well, your kids will want to fly independently and that should be the aim of a parent.  It doesnt mean you love them any the less just that you and they relish their freedom and independence.

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1 hour ago, Skani said:

 Some feel it much more than others.  Mine certainly didn't.  She was always concerned about our welfare, of course - and we gave her numerous occasions for worry after we left home - but she really relished her new freedom to do her own thing.  Your mother may well have been the same...so I don't think you should feel guilty at all.  

I left home at 16 to start training to be a vet nurse in the Lake District.  Used to phone home every Sunday night and wrote home once a week.  I'm sure my parents did worry about me and as you said Skani, there would have been many a time Mum would have been concerned about what I was getting up to but I was always aware never to worry my parents about anything.  I  think a good old guilty conscience kept me on the straight and narrow.  :cute:  My brother and sister left home at 17 to go to Edinburgh Uni and neither of them ever lived at home again.  In spite of all that, we were a very close family in many other ways.

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4 minutes ago, Quoll said:

I left home without a backward glance too - never gave them a thought at all when I moved to the other side of the world (twice), not even when I took their only grandchild with me.  When my own boys left home I couldnt wait to clear their rooms (well, almost) and the fact that one of them is now living in our home is a bit of a challenge but, given our situation, he is doing us a huge favour by doing so.  I gave my lads gifts to inspire them to move out from quite an early age - Jamie Oliver cookbook, frying pan, carving knife, etc.  I dont really get the angst of the empty nesters.  Surely if you do your job well, your kids will want to fly independently and that should be the aim of a parent.  It doesnt mean you love them any the less just that you and they relish their freedom and independence.

Yes Quoll!  I was the same. 

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20 hours ago, Scousers1 said:

It really is so difficult. I am now finding in recent weeks that my daughter is going out and staying at friends more and more and i almost feel like its empty nest. But what is left behind is me as i am now feeling so depressed. It is Sunday and i am sitting on my bed all day, hubby is doing some jobs around the house but i am unable to as the feelings of lonliness and isolation have become too much. I am avoiding going out and only really visit elderly parents up the road each day. I have found once my daughter grew up there is absolutely nothing for me in Australia. I have no interests and no inclination to try now. I do however have doctors appt in an hour to discuss depression.

Hi Scousers,

Sorry to hear this. I hope the doctors helps. It did for me. I thought you were definitely planning to head back to the UK without your husband and daughter??

I recently decided I have to leave my other half here to head back to. Its awful but I am sure I am doing the right thing in the long term. Might not be the same for you though. Thinking of you x

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Thank you for all your comments. Dr has put me on medication and i will go see someone. Hopegully then i can come to some sort of decission once i feel a bit clearer.

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Scousers1, how are you feeling?

I have read this thread with great interest. My marriage has recently ended - my plan is to head back to the UK with the kids once our citizenship is through (husband has agreed. he's staying in Oz). I just feel so heartbroken that this is how everything has ended. We are both English yet he refused to ever visit the UK again once we moved, and refuses to ever live there again. Our children are 3 and 9.  So I feel the time is now, so my eldest can at least have a year in Primary school in the UK and 3 year of will just be starting.

The mental struggle and load of all this is very real and it's been all too easy to doubt myself over the10 years we've lived here. I have tried everything to make it work here, blamed everything else but the fact we need to return to the UK (as I knew how much living in Oz meant to DH) but there's only so long you can hold your needs back and so important to not let it make us ill. To be honest I don't know how I'm holding on, well I don't a lot of the time, but one foot first, then another, and constantly telling myself 'All will be well' is helping!

Thinking of everyone in this difficult situation - hugs.

 

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Update. 

House is sold so we are organising shipping companies now. 

Negotiating the form that is the TOR form as we speak. Luckily we have 5 weeks, but it appears people are getting them pretty quick of late. 

Pet shippers say that if we don't have one by the time the dog goes we will only pay £60 in duty charges as dogs are valued about £300? However we should have one soon. 

Selling the two cars seems the only main headache we face. They are both less than 3 years old so hoping it won't be too difficult. 

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We found it difficult with the car.  We only had one, but OH arranged a hire car for the last couple of weeks.  Reason was, that I was still carrying on with normal family stuff (school run, shopping, ferrying the kids round etc), while he was taking things to the tip, ferrying boxes back from our storage unit (we packed loads of our stuff away before the open homes), taking things off to the charity shop, and running all sorts of other errands.  We actually left it a bit late to sell my car, and ended up having to sell to a dealer for less than we could have got with a private sale, and with hindsight we'd have been better to sell it far earlier and hire two cars at the end.  Would that be an option?

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7 hours ago, Tricky said:

Update. 

House is sold so we are organising shipping companies now. 

Negotiating the form that is the TOR form as we speak. Luckily we have 5 weeks, but it appears people are getting them pretty quick of late. 

Pet shippers say that if we don't have one by the time the dog goes we will only pay £60 in duty charges as dogs are valued about £300? However we should have one soon. 

Selling the two cars seems the only main headache we face. They are both less than 3 years old so hoping it won't be too difficult. 

Use really low quality scans for your TOR, it doesn’t tell you if it is too big and mine didn’t ping back so wated days waiting and then chasing...... You can’t ring them anymore but if you send an email with a query they will respond very quickly.

Good luck with your move. ?

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7 hours ago, Tricky said:

Update. 

House is sold so we are organising shipping companies now. 

Negotiating the form that is the TOR form as we speak. Luckily we have 5 weeks, but it appears people are getting them pretty quick of late. 

Pet shippers say that if we don't have one by the time the dog goes we will only pay £60 in duty charges as dogs are valued about £300? However we should have one soon. 

Selling the two cars seems the only main headache we face. They are both less than 3 years old so hoping it won't be too difficult. 

Congratulations on selling the house ? We sold our car no problem, hopefully you will find the same thing.

We’re officially going back to Melbourne in October YAY!!!!! Doing all the paperwork for our two dogs is giving me a headache but it will be worth it!

 

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1 hour ago, Amber Snowball said:

Use really low quality scans for your TOR, it doesn’t tell you if it is too big and mine didn’t ping back so wated days waiting and then chasing...... You can’t ring them anymore but if you send an email with a query they will respond very quickly.

Good luck with your move. ?

Ok thanks for that tip! All of my attachments will be under 1mb, the biggest being about 650kb, the others about 200kb and one 66kb so hoping that they will be fine. There's only the form and 4 enclosures. 

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9 hours ago, Tricky said:

Ok thanks for that tip! All of my attachments will be under 1mb, the biggest being about 650kb, the others about 200kb and one 66kb so hoping that they will be fine. There's only the form and 4 enclosures. 

I think the max is 6mb which isn’t very much. You should be fine. You should get an automated email straight back. Went to my junk folder so check there. One headache out of the way and on to the next! ?

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On 06/02/2018 at 17:21, Tricky said:

So we've made the final decision to return to the UK. 

It won't be a rush as we already have visitors coming out for Easter and first two weeks of June so plenty of time to declutter, plan and tidy up the house/garden for sale. Hopefully have it on the market mid July. As we've got the toddler it will also help that we have 5 months as things can take twice as long ?

It's strange though that now we've made the decision, my head is already in UK mode and I'm concentrating on looking at areas to live, job ads, mortgage costs etc. I've sort of left the whole trying to 'fit' here alone now, which after 7 years I never felt I did. I love the place, don't get me wrong and we've met some great people but I've always felt reluctant to put down any roots which is what helped us make the decision, however the number one reason is our daughter having time with family, and they are all excited about us returning and we've got accommodation with the inlaws for as long as we need to find jobs and then somewhere to buy which will take a massive amount of pressure off, however not all of it, there's only so long you can live with the inlaws. 

Now to make the most of the time we have here before the next stage of the adventure we call life. 

I’m in a situation where I’m struggling to ‘fit’ too. I’ve been here over six months and have made no friends, been sacked once after thirteen days because I didn’t ‘fit’, been bullied out of my most recent job and now im jobless and getting in to debt with no one to turn to and none of my own family - only my Australian husbands who we don’t see often.

All I can think is that moving here has been the biggest mistake of my life and that I want to go back home to England - a decision my mum supports but my dad does not. Thing is I didn’t leave England to get away - I left for my husband who was depressed in England and never really settled there (or tried to) - I actually loved the life I had built there after returning and I loved my job and the area I lived in.

My husband has said that if I return to the UK it will be alone and we will have to seperate as he refuses to move back there so now I feel blackmailed in to staying in Australia for the sake of my marriage and trapped in this awful bogan town full of bad experiences so far. I wish we could move to another area but we have no money and no one we can stay with elsewhere whilst we get on our feet. 

I just hate it here. It’s mad, I adored it last time I was here on a working holiday visa - I lived in a great house share and had a life and job I loved and spoke to my family back home all the time but this time I feel like I have failed and barely contact my family as I hate bringing them down with my depressing state of affairs.And I lost friends over moving here because they didn’t agree with me leaving etc. Its just so isolating and there doesn’t really seem to be a viable solution and I find fitting in so hard here - there’s such a small town cliquey vibe here and a real dislike for immigrants. 

I have told myself and my lovely mum that I’m going to try to give it another six months and then seriously consider returning home to England. I’m going to really try and see if there is a life to enjoy here.

Sorry if this has come across as attention seeky - I just needed to get it off my chest to people that have been in a similar situation and to get advice for settling in here and ‘fitting in’.

Lucy xxx

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Oh Lucy- that is so hard for you.  I am not sure what age group you are in but maybe joining an interest group might help on the friendship level? Or a church? Aussies are very tribal I have found.and it can be difficult to crack into the 'tribes'.You can get a list of clubs etc from your local Council or from the local newspaper.  When I first came I was glued to the local paper because the things they advertise are usually looking for members ( or they wouldn't bother to advertise). Do you have children? They can be a good way to make friends through helping out at schools, kinders etc.  You have to get out there which I know is easier said than done especially if you are feeling 'down'.No one comes to you as you have found out! Good luck to you and I hope things improve for you very soon!

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