outdad Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Hello I am looking for... I don't know really. I am a gay dad I was with a woman who had 2 children and we was together for 7 years,we got married and had to children together, we split up because a came out but we are still good friends. I have an brilliant relationship with all 4children 10, 8, 5 and 4 and contact is split 50/50 with mayself ans my mum( other father not involved ) I have always wanted to move to Australia and now I have an opportunity to, I have asked my ex if I can take the children and she has agreed to let the children decide. But if they don't want to come would I be selfish to go. I have a job opportunity that will give me plenty of money to come back and see the children and for the children to come and visit me couple times a year. Has anyone done this and can we make it work Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Hmm. Hard decision, very hard. I might be shouted down however I do think it's a little unfair to put the decision on the shoulders of such wee ones. I personally couldn't leave a child behind (unless that child was over 18 or even then perhaps firmly established in a few ways). Everyone is different however I can appreciate. Wish you the best with whatever decision you make. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Hello I am looking for... I don't know really. I am a gay dad I was with a woman who had 2 children and we was together for 7 years,we got married and had to children together, we split up because a came out but we are still good friends. I have an brilliant relationship with all 4children 10, 8, 5 and 4 and contact is split 50/50 with mayself ans my mum( other father not involved ) I have always wanted to move to Australia and now I have an opportunity to, I have asked my ex if I can take the children and she has agreed to let the children decide. But if they don't want to come would I be selfish to go. I have a job opportunity that will give me plenty of money to come back and see the children and for the children to come and visit me couple times a year. Has anyone done this and can we make it work please don't take this the wrong way, but are you seen as a father figure to the children, or more as a doting uncle figure? If you do play the role of father, then you should be there. If another has taken that role, then maybe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tea4too Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Hi Outdad, and welcome to PIO. I don’t know about being selfish as any move will involve a degree of separation from family and friends. If the feelings of others were the main priority few would ever be in a position to make the move. But your biological children are very young and your stepchildren not much older. In truth if you are close and spend a lot of time with them any separation is likely to have some effect. How you weigh and balance that against your desire to move is something that only you can decide. Personally I cannot imagine any circumstances in which I would voluntarily separate my self from my child, nor any opportunity that would cause me to consider not being a constant and practical part of her life. However you are looking at ways to make this move and make it work…so maybe that is your answer. You want to do it, you can do it, and you will find ways to do it if that is your priority. However, I too have some concerns about asking the children to decide where they live and with which parent. That is a huge responsibility for any child, let alone children so young, although legally you would need the agreement of the eldest two’s father – irrespective of whether he has contact with them or not. T x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 As you are no longer with your partner there is no difference in the relationship from any relationship that has ended. The only problem I see is if you did bring any of the children with you, you would be a sole parent with a new job in a new country and its difficult for couples and I believe it would be harder for single parents. If you can afford to return to the UK to see the family and afford for the children to visit you in holidays etc then go for it. With skype these days people can talk to their family every day if they want to. My husband was at sea and away for months on end, he did come ashore but if he had not then no difference really. People in the armed forces are separated at times for months on end. So some people could not put up with that type of relationship, but you may be able to and they work and sometimes they work better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 I find it hard to believe this is a genuine post. What mother would willingly acquiesce to letting her 4 young children leave without her to Australia or trust them with the decision. What if one or two wanted it and others didn't. Splitting the siblings up, for goodness sake. If working and earning good money then being a single parent with no support gives rise to a whole host of childcare issues too. If this is genuine then in my view you should dismiss any thought of taking children with you if you do this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest241083 Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 .............I too think splitting or even givving children so young such a decision is wrong..... .............but children adapt......might take time to get used to one parent after two.... .............but will the adults fair so well...? .............how would mum cope with her children so far away.......would she follow or want them home.... .............if you've been a big part of their lives.........could you leave them for so long...... ..............it's why many struggle with migration...... ...............those left behind.......don't underestimate the pull of family..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
outdad Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 i know there is going to be a lot of criticism, we have asked the children and they have made the extremely mature decision to ask for a holiday there first. I was seeing an Australian man for a year and he was a very big part of their lives until he walked out on us a few weeks ago. his family have accepted me and my children and are supporting us the best they can. I believe that I can make it work with my children and give them a better life. if they did not want to stay I would have a decision to make as to if I stayed or not. if I cannot make it work by coming back and them coming out then I would move back to the UK, I do not want to abandon my children and will fight tooth and nail for them, I am trying to do the best for them there is little life here for them, and if they come with me it will be hard but I am willing to try, if they stay in the UK then I would support them from oz. In the long term they will have a foot in both country's. as for the type of mother that would let their children move without her, it is a very hard position to be in and I believe that putting the children's opportunity for a better life above herself is extremely hard and I for one am very proud of her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest241083 Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 .......then try it....! .......if your both committed to give it a go do so... .......as I said it's often harder on the adults than the children long term .......the best of luck to you and yours Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tickled Pink Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 What visa are you coming on? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
outdad Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 I am extremely unhappy here in the UK, I have lived her my whole life but have never felt at home, I have been to Australia twice this year with my ex partner and I now know why I have never felt at home here. if there was such a thing as nationality dysphoria then that is how I feel about Australia, I am not going for the weather nor for the sights but to feel at home. I know people are going to hit out at me for saying but if the children do deicide to stay in the UK I feel I would still be able to be a better father from Australia, we have a lot of support from UK and Australia and the kids would not go without either me nor their mother either decision they make Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
outdad Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 my father was born in Perth, I am applying for citizenship by decent Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
outdad Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 my plan is to take the children on holiday august time for 4 weeks, they have a teste of Australia and time away from their mum. then I would move the end of September and start work and get on my feet so that if the children have time away from me and time for them to think. if they wanted to come live with me then I would be set up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tickled Pink Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Is it just me, or does anyone else think its impossible for a 5 and 4 year old to make a rational decision of their own on which country or parent to live with?? Even the older two... This is just an odd post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
outdad Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 Ultimately it will be their mum and myself that makes the decision but we are giving them every opportunity to have an input, they are having all the facts from myself and their mum, we want them to feel involved as much as possible and to know as much as they are able Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skani Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Is it just me, or does anyone else think its impossible for a 5 and 4 year old to make a rational decision of their own on which country or parent to live with?? Even the older two... This is just an odd post. I'm finding it hard to comprehend a mother even considering the prospect of her 4 young children moving to another (very distant) country without her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tulip1 Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 No child of that age can make a decision like that and I'm shocked that any adult would think they can. Ask any medical expert and they would tell you the same. Are you selfish? My opinion is yes you are. The children spend 50% of their lives with you and you are asking if it would be OK to end that? They are not interested in your opportunities or more money for you, they need you. Most Australians only get 4 weeks a year holiday so you are ok to see your kids for maximum 4 weeks out of 52? People say with FaceTime and Skype the worlds a smaller place but it's not the same. You will never be at parents evening or sports day or there to help with the homework. If they're ill or feeling down you won't be there to give them a hug. If they 'choose' to go they will miss their mum and that will have a negative effect on them just as it will if you go. Someone has given reference to people in the armed forces. Very different. Yes dad way have to go away on a 4 month detachment but that's his job and there's no choice.he is not going for the rest of his life. Time with our children is very precious. It's your choice, time with your children or a country - it wouldn't take even a nano second for me to make a choice between those options. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 First of all, perhaps drop the "better life for the kids" thing - it's different but not inherently better and you would be taking them from their mum and extended family for what???? If you need to sort out your life, then by all means go for it but expecting kids to make that decision is silly - they can't decide what they want for breakfast let alone which parent they want to be with and in which country. Being a single parent in a foreign country is hard yakka - being a family in a foreign country away from extended family is hard yakka enough without having a partner to support you. I'd be doing the holidays here and there thing and letting the kids have the benefit of wider family Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skani Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 his family have accepted me and my children and are supporting us the best they can. I believe that I can make it work with my children and give them a better life. Raising 4 young children with 2 live in parents is difficult enough in this society. The problems are compounded enormously for single parents, no matter how well intentioned and supportive other people say they will be. Also, have you explored potential legal issues with moving the 2 step children out of the country? No matter how uninvolved their father is/has been, there are legal requirements to be attended to. Also, can you clarify what you mean, or what you are hoping for, by "a better life" for the children? There are many on PIO who will say it is not a better life, just different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
outdad Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 the children are not making the decisions and there will be experts talking to them before we make any final decision. this is not about more money for me this is about opportunities for them, we are not taking anything lightly and please don't think that we are, yes the world is a smaller place with skype and modern technology and flights are cheaper but I understand it is not the same. but i feel that this is something that should at least be tried either way for their sake. i would like to think that when they are older then at least we can say we tried and not regret something we could have done =. not only for myself but for my children. nothing is set in stone, things change all the time it is only going to get harder here in the UK Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flag of convenience Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 What opportunities exactly? Surely better to get yourself out here and see how it actually stacks up? All that glitters is not gold. How about seeing if working conditions meet expectations? If this is really the country of your ' dreams' after the wrapping has been removed, before even considering moving the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 the children are not making the decisions and there will be experts talking to them before we make any final decision. this is not about more money for me this is about opportunities for them, we are not taking anything lightly and please don't think that we are, yes the world is a smaller place with skype and modern technology and flights are cheaper but I understand it is not the same. but i feel that this is something that should at least be tried either way for their sake. i would like to think that when they are older then at least we can say we tried and not regret something we could have done =. not only for myself but for my children. nothing is set in stone, things change all the time it is only going to get harder here in the UK Australia does not have "better opportunities" for children. Youth unemployment is far higher than in the UK and many visit UK as soon as they are old enough if they can to advance their prospects. Of course children are living happily in Australia, but so are they in UK. You will not maintain the same or a better relationships with your children if you are in Australia and they are in UK. It is absurd to even think that you will. Move to Australia if you want to, but make no mistake, it is the end to a close fatherly relationship to those children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest241083 Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 ..........only you as a parent can choose ..........see how you feel away from your children first ..........consider how their mother will then feel ..........it won't be easy whichever way you decide ...........but take a break away.......maybe just a holiday ............then see if you could do it long term ...........good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 My advice for what it's worth is. Go first, try it, see if you like it and can handle the separation from your children. Then and only then when you are settled, revisit the question of your children joining you. Is there anyway you Ex could join you? You clearly still have a good relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Hi and welcome to the forum. I don't think that young children really understand the concept of moving to the other side of the world for good. My son was 7 years old when we moved, we'd been here a year when suddenly at dinner he asked "are we still on holiday", so I doubt that your younger children would fully understand. As mentioned by another poster - there will be legal aspects to taking the two eldest as you will need permission from their absent father in order to remove them from the country. Removing children from one parent can be fraught with some emotional problems later - a friend who moved here with her new partner and daughter from a previous relationship had problems with her daughter who got hung up on the fact that her dad hadn't loved her enough to want her to stay with him in the UK - this might not be common but for them it was a very real problem which required some councelling. I love the life we as a family have carved out for ourselves in Aus and my daughter tells me that she is happy to have had her teenage years here, but I agree with others that our life isn't necessarily 'better' because of opportunities but better because of how content we are. For what it's worth, If you're determined for a new life then I would try to establish that for yourself first, let the children remain in familiar surroundings. Don't underestimate how difficult it is initially to re-establish yourself in the workforce and socially. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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