irishinaus Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 I met a man in uk (he's australian) but due to his parents being poms. Holds both passports. a couple of children later and a move to australia was on the cards. 10 years down the line and I am still homesick, more homesick with each year. We have done ok here and had a couple more kids. but I am starting to hate australia. I want to go home, he is not keen on the idea. I have explained we are actually financally better over in the uk as I have a job I can walk into. He says NO, australia is best. But he doesn't work here, sits at home. I have no family here, bar his (no comment on that) and my parents and family obviously come for hoildays. But I don't know what to do with him. How do I put my case across? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 I met a man in uk (he's australian) but due to his parents being poms. Holds both passports. a couple of children later and a move to australia was on the cards. 10 years down the line and I am still homesick, more homesick with each year. We have done ok here and had a couple more kids. but I am starting to hate australia. I want to go home, he is not keen on the idea. I have explained we are actually financally better over in the uk as I have a job I can walk into. He says NO, australia is best. But he doesn't work here, sits at home. I have no family here, bar his (no comment on that) and my parents and family obviously come for hoildays. But I don't know what to do with him. How do I put my case across? It's a tough one, you know him, we don't. Perhaps if you want to be logical about it then present him with a detailed financial spreadsheet to show him how much better you will be off from the 'new job' in the UK. That takes the emotion away from it a little. He may warm to the idea if you will all be significantly financially better. However, the reality is, if he doesn't want to move, he won't. Why does he not work? Is he the stay at home Dad (if that is the case, then he is certainly not sitting around) and you are earning the salary? I guess you just have to put forward your reasons. I totally get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 I met a man in uk (he's australian) but due to his parents being poms. Holds both passports. a couple of children later and a move to australia was on the cards. 10 years down the line and I am still homesick, more homesick with each year. We have done ok here and had a couple more kids. but I am starting to hate australia. I want to go home, he is not keen on the idea. I have explained we are actually financally better over in the uk as I have a job I can walk into. He says NO, australia is best. But he doesn't work here, sits at home. I have no family here, bar his (no comment on that) and my parents and family obviously come for hoildays. But I don't know what to do with him. How do I put my case across? Have you considered relationships Australia? The problem with a forum is that we only ever hear one side of the coin (no disrespect intended), your other half could be an equally compelling point to stay. The comments you receive on a forum will be clouded by peoples own experiences - it may be worth going to professional relationships counselling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 I feel for you but unfortunately there is no way you can make people do what they do not want to. You fell in love, had the children and now really hands are pretty much tied until the children grow up. That is how I look at it anyway. Once they grow up then the world is your oyster. If he stays and you go you have the whole custody thing going on. How about going for a holiday every couple of years and then you have something to look forward to. Life certainly can be complicated but the best thing is not to let it get you down because once we go on that path nothing ever looks or gets better. I agree with getting a counsel to assist you and then you know whether you can change stuff and he can change stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 I met a man in uk (he's australian) but due to his parents being poms. Holds both passports. a couple of children later and a move to australia was on the cards. 10 years down the line and I am still homesick, more homesick with each year. We have done ok here and had a couple more kids. but I am starting to hate australia. I want to go home, he is not keen on the idea. I have explained we are actually financally better over in the uk as I have a job I can walk into. He says NO, australia is best. But he doesn't work here, sits at home. I have no family here, bar his (no comment on that) and my parents and family obviously come for hoildays. But I don't know what to do with him. How do I put my case across? Is it Australia or the relationship you have issues with? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 I agree with marriage counselling. I suspect you're stuck until the kids are independent but you need some sense of compromise - getting him off his bum and into a job which enables you to take sanity hits every year would be a good first step! In order to survive (and I do know what you are feeling because I've been there) you will need to reframe and take back control to believe that this is your decision to stay not him forcing you to stay. One you get that feeling that you have the freedom to go if you want, it becomes less of a jail. You might also try and see a counselor yourself - CBT or ACT are good for helping manage intrusive thinking and there are all sorts of tricks you can use. Some of us, unfortunately, have to live with the least worst option. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VERYSTORMY Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 To be blunt, it seems to me, you have the ace card. You are earning the money. If you force it, he will have to either go back with you, or give up his life of leisure and start working to find himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patphillips47 Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 I met a man in uk (he's australian) but due to his parents being poms. Holds both passports. a couple of children later and a move to australia was on the cards. 10 years down the line and I am still homesick, more homesick with each year. We have done ok here and had a couple more kids. but I am starting to hate australia. I want to go home, he is not keen on the idea. I have explained we are actually financally better over in the uk as I have a job I can walk into. He says NO, australia is best. But he doesn't work here, sits at home. I have no family here, bar his (no comment on that) and my parents and family obviously come for hoildays. But I don't know what to do with him. How do I put my case across? So much to consider ,were your children born in the UK or Australia ,have they grown up in Australia would your hubby allow them to leave the country if you went back without him Have you been back to the UK for holidays with the kids to gauge their reaction I think suggestions of counselling might help as it sounds like your being torn in two Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil Partner Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Yes I do relate to this story as I have been in Oz nearly four years and have struggled pretty much all the way through it. i moved with two kids and wife from Putney London (council house now given back) and sold garden business where we lived. started garden co in area in Perth which I found very quiet and to slow for me.Moved in to city and been here short term but still been unsettled. i have a daughter who is nearly 17 and a big family and lots of friends in uk but it has been a struggle for me. i do love things here but have a constant thought of (our old home life) not sure if that will go or get easier. was thinking of going back in August and trying to start garden co again some where in uk. its pretty confusing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Yes I do relate to this story as I have been in Oz nearly four years and have struggled pretty much all the way through it.i moved with two kids and wife from Putney London (council house now given back) and sold garden business where we lived. started garden co in area in Perth which I found very quiet and to slow for me.Moved in to city and been here short term but still been unsettled. i have a daughter who is nearly 17 and a big family and lots of friends in uk but it has been a struggle for me. i do love things here but have a constant thought of (our old home life) not sure if that will go or get easier. was thinking of going back in August and trying to start garden co again some where in uk. its pretty confusing With family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irishinaus Posted February 21, 2016 Author Share Posted February 21, 2016 He worked in London, then he moved home and got lazy. Two children born uk. two here. I actually have enough saved to buy a a house in cash in my home town. Fixer uppers are pretty cheap there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 Another vote for marriage counselling here - or maybe even mediation. You both need to sit down and talk to each other and reach an agreement about what you're going to do. It sounds as though right now, you're talking at him and he's just ignoring you. I think the only way to force him into participating is to bring an impartial outsider into it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irishinaus Posted February 27, 2016 Author Share Posted February 27, 2016 So we talked and talked. He won't budge. He's staying. He claims there is a better life in australia than the uk. So I will let him live his better australia life (renting and no work ) as supposed to moving to the uk and buying a house with me cash down. no mortage, no rent. But I don't want a blow up of a court battle, I am stuck in australia but I will no longer pander to someone so selfish, That wants to live this way to prove a point. He will learn the hard when I cut off his play funds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 So we talked and talked. He won't budge. He's staying. He claims there is a better life in australia than the uk. So I will let him live his better australia life (renting and no work ) as supposed to moving to the uk and buying a house with me cash down. no mortage, no rent. But I don't want a blow up of a court battle, I am stuck in australia but I will no longer pander to someone so selfish, That wants to live this way to prove a point. He will learn the hard when I cut off his play funds. I don't quite get it but think you are staying in Aus with the kids and leaving him? And then once the youngest is old enough to not need a court order or parent to agree and sign, then heading back? Or would you be heading back on your own as all the kids will want to stay once older? Good luck with things whatever you end up doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainR Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 If there is any possibility of saving the marriage, do consider counselling. It sounds like your husband has given up on everything, and probably seems quite different to the man you once knew. Hopefully something could be done to reignite his spark and motivate him to do what's best for his family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 So we talked and talked. He won't budge. He's staying. He claims there is a better life in australia than the uk. So I will let him live his better australia life (renting and no work ) as supposed to moving to the uk and buying a house with me cash down. no mortage' date=' no rent. But I don't want a blow up of a court battle, I am stuck in australia but I will no longer pander to someone so selfish, That wants to live this way to prove a point. He will learn the hard when I cut off his play funds.[/quote'] I don't know how he can say there is a better life in Australia if he is unemployed :dull: Does he do the house cleaning, shopping and cooking for the family? If you are not prepared to "pander to someone so selfish" and he's not going to change and you no longer love him, you would be better off without him quite frankly. You will have to stay in Australia because of the children until they are older. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rule Britannia Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 It's not a tough one at all, it's a no brainer, why would you want to stay in Australia, ?? don't tell me it's the Mayo cause it's real bad, i mean it tastes of LEMONS...duh! and the rest of the food is totally nasty and I mean nasty, It is however a little tricky, as your married with babies, and that's a whole new story to consider carefully. It has to be a joint decision, but it has to be discussed via communication stating the obvious, Dont worry I'm totally done here and leaving real soon, as soon as that person buys me car, I will sail into ze sunset and leave Good ol Australia YIppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeee skiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppyyyyyyyyy and aint' gonna return even if I win ze lotto I refuse to turn my back on Marks n Spencers ever again, that will not happen for me a third time, yes have lived in other countries too... But Pert has to be the lowest common denominator for me personally a little bit out of date and out of touch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rule Britannia Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I"m sorry I just realised I could be just projecting myself on here...lol that's a little bit scary ...but it's a great way to vent with words, I like that a lot, especially as I have so much to say about Australia, really I do....LOL LOL LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rule Britannia Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Sorry I have to jump in here, I tend to that go where Angels fear to tread, I'm not going to stop now. Here's a thing, your both married (of course) is a relationship not about meeting each other half way, point in case my Parents, Yes my Parents, Mother and I'm talking about Mum here, is totally Dictated to by her Husband, My Mother has wanted to move house and live in the Countryside, of course she would, she has taste, Idiot Yes Idiot over there, does not want to, WHY? you ask, because he is one selfish Mother (in the nasty sense of the word) and it's his way or ze high way, now when ye are married, is it not important to want to please each other, and have at least a maybe or let's consider it, not just a NO that's very ME ME ME don't you think or am I being a little obtuse əbˈtjuːs/ adjective 1.annoyingly insensitive or slow to understand."he wondered if the doctor was being deliberately obtuse" [*]2. (of an angle) more than 90° and less than 180°. "an obtuse angle of 150°" It's also very selfish::: If my missus EVER and I mean EVER said it's her way or the high way, I'd be off like a sky rocket to the moon Baby...decisions have to be made by each other, and talked about giving a reason for and against and then a conclusion. I hope you like the obtuse bit, I thought that was great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 It's not a tough one at all, it's a no brainer, why would you want to stay in Australia, ?? don't tell me it's the Mayo cause it's real bad, i mean it tastes of LEMONS...duh! and the rest of the food is totally nasty and I mean nasty, It is however a little tricky, as your married with babies, and that's a whole new story to consider carefully. It has to be a joint decision, but it has to be discussed via communication stating the obvious, Dont worry I'm totally done here and leaving real soon, as soon as that person buys me car, I will sail into ze sunset and leave Good ol Australia YIppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeee skiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppyyyyyyyyy and aint' gonna return even if I win ze lotto I refuse to turn my back on Marks n Spencers ever again, that will not happen for me a third time, yes have lived in other countries too... But Pert has to be the lowest common denominator for me personally a little bit out of date and out of touch Marks & Spencer's have a really good café and a very great food hall. Top quality grub ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Here's a thing, your both married (of course) is a relationship not about meeting each other half way. Yes of course it should be, but did you read the original post? The husband is long-term unemployed, like you - so you'd think he'd be the one keen to go back to the UK but no, he refuses to go because he loves Australia (no doubt because he gets to sit at home all day while she does all the work). She's miserable and worn out from carrying responsibility for the family. Personally I think she's been far too patient up to now!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 It's not a tough one at all, it's a no brainer, why would you want to stay in Australia, ?? don't tell me it's the Mayo cause it's real bad, i mean it tastes of LEMONS...duh! and the rest of the food is totally nasty and I mean nasty, Once again generalising based on your experience in Perth. I'm sitting here in Southampton dreaming of the wonderful "cheap eats" in Sydney - pizza topped with fat succulent prawns and melt-in-the-mouth calamari rings, thick steaks, fresh and flavoursome Thai and Vietnamese dishes. We've virtually given up eating out in South of England, it's been so uniformly disappointing and so expensive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Once again generalising based on your experience in Perth. I'm sitting here in Southampton dreaming of the wonderful "cheap eats" in Sydney - pizza topped with fat succulent prawns and melt-in-the-mouth calamari rings, thick steaks, fresh and flavoursome Thai and Vietnamese dishes. We've virtually given up eating out in South of England, it's been so uniformly disappointing and so expensive. johngdownunder recommends Marks and Spencer food hall Marisa if you want decent food :cute: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 johngdownunder recommends Marks and Spencer food hall Marisa if you want decent food :cute: Compared to Coles & Woolies best, Markies Food is waaaay ahead. Oh and it doesn't shut at 5:30 or on Sundays. Come to think of it, the 2 new supermarkets in town are 24 hours, 7 days a week, they are HUGE and really cheap too. Love the £3 brekkie special with tea & toast on these winter Sunday morns after doing our weekly shop. As they say in Scotland, "Ye cannae whack it jimmy" !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 johngdownunder recommends Marks and Spencer food hall Marisa if you want decent food :cute: Actually they do have nice fresh produce - for a price. I regularly buy stuff there, but only when it's on special. Their ready meals are really good too - but again, they're pricey, so I only buy when on special. Anyway, it's silly to compare M&S with Coles and Woollies. M&S is a good cut above ANY supermarket in the UK or Australia. My eldest sister buys all her food from M&S and people regard her as extravagant! To compare equivalent to equivalent, you'd have to compare Coles and Woollies to Tesco, Sainsbury's and Morrisons. There is no equivalent to M&S in Australia - in Sydney it would equate to David Jones Food Hall, not sure about elsewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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