Gerrards Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Hi Guys Thought i would start part II of this journey as you really couldn't make it up! Since my last post my parents posted money through the door for the kids for Christmas, my eldest sent a moonpig card thanking them. I received a text saying they expected handwritten words and was dissapointed by the Moonpig card and I do not realise what I'm doing to them, I have broken them but they wish me all the luck in the world. I ignored it! I dropped off some presents at their door from the children for Christmas, I heard nothing. We were granted our visas the day before Christmas Eve and had a lovely Christmas, we booked our removers for 2 weeks time, our flights for 6 weeks time and the dog to follow. My Aunty rang me on Monday evening to tell me that my Mum had been taken into hospital from coughing up blood and the x-ray shows a shadow on the lung. I asked if my parents wanted me to know and she said yes. I called my dad after giving myself 5 minutes, he started on me again, 'You wouldn't be where you are today if it wasn't for me", "you have taken those kids away from their Nanny" I said I wasn't prepared to go there at the minute and wanted to see how Mum was. I text my Mum to ask if I could visit the next day. My best friend came with me as it wasn't appropriate for my husband to come with everything that has gone off. It was pleasant but a massive elephant in the room that none of us mentioned, they never asked anything about us or the kids, she was in good spirits. My Dad rang me today to say they had received the worst possible news, my Mum has lung cancer thats spread to the lymph nodes. He wasn't that nice to me on the phone and saw my husband in the street earlier and started having a go, he just walked away. My head is wrecked, I'm working out my notice, my husband isn't working here, we have sold our house and some belongings and getting ready to go in 6 weeks time. I'm damned if I go, damned if I stay. I have to put my family unit first. I'd like to ask what would you do, but I know, only I can decide. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 ((((Hugs))) I'd say you're screwed! Be prepared for a shed load of grief when your mum dies. I think if it were me in her situation I think even I would be devastated if my child left before I went if my time wasn't that long - more because I'd hope they'd be around to support my DH and I am definitely not one of the tied to my apron strings type of mothers. I would certainly appreciate having my grandkids around before I popped my clogs and hope that gave them a positive relationship to remember but not at the very end. Your parents aren't making this easy for you however and their behaviour isn't really an incentive for you to hang around unfortunately - they could have behaved so differently and made the choice so much easier for you - I'm guessing that if they'd have been half way civilized about this you would have moved heaven and earth to stay. If you've got to go, you've got to go but be prepared for the guilt monster to grab you by the throat - as you say, damned if you do and damned if you don't! Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellers and Whitehead Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 ****...I honestly wouldn't be able to go..would you honestly be able to cope hearing your mum had died over the phone..maybe not affording to go to her funeral? And your dad living by himself? Its a tricky one x did you hear that the details about your mums diagnosis from medical staff or family? Maybe find out for sure by speaking to medical staff.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xxlornaxx Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Depends. .were ur parents good to you? Always caring and supportive when you were vulnerable as a yoingster? If yes then I wouldnt go..id stay n look after the family when they are in need..she may recover and u could still go but at a later date? Its very individual thing n only you know whats right Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckleface Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 I suppose if I am honest the first thing I wondered when reading your post was if your parents are simply playing a trick on you as part of their campaign to control you. Either way I think your first priority is to your husband and children so if I was in your shoes I wouldn't change the plans my little family had made. If you do I don't think you will ever move regardless of what you plan to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 What a horrible situation. My Mum died shortly after we emigrated. I didn't even get a chance to fly home in time. She had had cancer but we thought she was free and clear. If I'd known otherwise, we would have delayed our move, no question. However that's easy for me to say because we were a couple with no kids. We could've easily found a little flat somewhere, and in our professions it would've been easy for us to get contract jobs, so we could've managed to get by for a few months. With kids it's not so easy. I'd hate to think your father would stoop so low as to lie about this, but as her daughter, you may find her doctors will speak to you about her condition - at the very least you should establish how long she may have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Depends. .were ur parents good to you? Always caring and supportive when you were vulnerable as a yoingster? If yes then I wouldnt go..id stay n look after the family when they are in need..she may recover and u could still go but at a later date? Its very individual thing n only you know whats right I agree like is this reaction solely based on you emigrating ? Or is it a constant demonstration of their feelings? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itegoa Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 If the tables were turned and I myself were suffering from cancer, I certainly would not expect my children to back out of their plans to emigrate to another country (especially if they'd sold their house and booked the airline tickets to fly out!) I really wouldn't know what to do if I were in your shoes though, tough decision. I'm tempted to say that i'd carry on with my plans and fly over, and return back to the UK for a short while in the near future. I'm not in that situation though. Tricky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 It depends how how you feel about your Mother.I lost my Mum (unexpectedly)last August.I took a 3 mth career break and she died at the end of the 2nd mth. It took a lot for me to take the career break,No pay in that time,leaving OH on his own,the expense etc but you know what?Those things are irrelevant compared to how I feel about having spent that time with her. That's irreplaceable. No one can tell you what to do. Show compassion towards your parents,for their past behaviour. For all you know,maybe your Mum felt ill for quite a time before the diagnosis and maybe that spurned some of the behaviour. If you decide to go and press on with your plans,ensure you leave in peace. You can;'t turn back time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjg Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 From what you have put up with, I would be going. The reason I know this is that if I was your oh, I would have told them both where to go a long time ago. I wouldn't have just burnt the bridge, it would have gone out as a towering inferno........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I feel for you at such a difficult time. Having read your earlier posts about how your parents have treated you and your husband it's an impossible situation to find yourself in. Personally if it was me i'd try and get in contact with mums doctor and get all the information about her condition first hand just to be sure what dad is telling you is all true and correct before making a decision either way. Being an only child myself with a very difficult/ selfish widowed mother i feel your pain. I've just finished my last chemo treatment for cancer (and she's been positively beastly to my partner and son) even given my recent events with her i'd would probably still stay and support her mainly because the guilt i'd feel if everything was as you've been told and she passed without me being there i'd never forgive myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I am minded of a line uttered by Danny Devito in the film 'War of the Roses' and though he was talking about divorce I feel it applies here "there is no winning in this situation, only degrees of losing". I tend to remember this line whenever in a tricky spot. Sometimes you have to chose the least worst option. Only you and your partner will be able to figure out what that is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Firstly I just want to pass on my best thoughts and wishes to you. I have lost both my Mum & Dad to lung cancer. Horrid horrid disease. My Father died of it aged 40 my Mum aged 63. It is obviously going to make your decision harder. Honestly if it were me I wouldn't go yet. My Dad was dead within a year after late diagnosis. My Mum lasted 3 after early diagnosis. For your sanity you have to find someway to talk to your Mum. I wish you every bit of strength for your time ahead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddymacs Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I am so sorry for to read this and send you massive ((((HUGS)))) You are having a hard enough time as is before you got this news I did worry for you leaving the UK on the terms you were because I wondered when you got news of death or illness from home what would happen, this may be a chance for your mum to make her peace with you if you stay!? At the end of the day she is your mum although in recent time hasn't been very nice to you. What were your parents like prior to the news of your move i think alot would depend on that? I know none of us can make your decision for you but just for yourself if you go make sure you can deal with it if she does pass. I know others have said said you should check with GP but would they stoop that low? Sending you lots of love and light x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tea4too Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 If the tables were turned and I myself were suffering from cancer, I certainly would not expect my children to back out of their plans to emigrate to another country (especially if they'd sold their house and booked the airline tickets to fly out!) I really wouldn't know what to do if I were in your shoes though, tough decision. I'm tempted to say that i'd carry on with my plans and fly over, and return back to the UK for a short while in the near future. I'm not in that situation though. Tricky. Oh dear, does it make me a bad mother to admit that in my heart of hearts I would desperately hope my child, particularly an only child, would want to be with me at such a scary time. However, if she felt weighed down by the decision, was considering staying through a sense of duty or the result of some other pressure, then No. For me a parent’s love is unconditional, there is no price tag attached to it and no invoice to settle. We are quits and in any case, anything I have done for my child has been constantly repaid and with interest. I trust her to make the right choices in life because I raised her and know her in ways only a mother can. If she needed to go I would trust that she had thought things through carefully, and that it was therefore the right decision for both of us. It would break my heart to think, in addition to everything else, she was feeling manipulated or under pressure to stay. OP listen to that little voice and follow your heart. If you stay, how long for, and on what basis? If your mum needs ongoing treatment, at what point will you be able to say ‘this is the right time to go’? Speak to the medics – you need information to ensure that your little voice talks sense. Good luck. Tx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rossmoyne Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Gerrards I have just read through this thread and your previous one, and I am aghast at the childish behaviour that your parents are exhibiting towards you and your family. Seems to me that they are highly manipulative and domineering, and now you have stood up to them, they just can't accept it. And now your mother is ill. Like others have said, my first thoughts were that this is just another ploy to get you to stay in UK. Perhaps it is, but perhaps it isn't. The bottom line is that you are a 41 year old wife and mother, and are old enough to make decisions about your own family unit - your husband and children come first after all. It is going to be hard for you whatever decision you make and it is going to have unpleasant implications one way or another. Hurtful words and comments can be forgiven, but it is impossible to forget them, and they will always be the elephant in the room. I feel very much for you as my father was a very selfish and manipulative operator, and I know all about the guilt that gets thrown in your direction by such a person. Keep strong and do what you know in your heart is the right thing for you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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