Dilemma: to live near my partner's Australian family, or not?

[futuremelbs]

Hey all,

 

I'm making my way through the De Facto Partner Visa paperwork (just been assigned a case officer, woohoo). Our original plan was to move to VIC because my partner's family are based there and it would give us an easy start (somewhere to stay while we look for jobs).

 

Naturally we're going to settle wherever the best opportunities are for our respective careers, but I wondered if anyone has cautionary tales or advice on the pros and cons of crossing the world to live near your partner's family? It seems practical to do so, but socially it doesn't put us on a very even footing (my partner will easily integrate back into a community he knows well, while I'll be slightly out on a limb -- whereas if we both move somewhere new we're forging a new adventure together, and can still visit his family a short flight away (e.g. if we went with NSW). It feels more exciting for my partner and I to head to a totally new city, rather than move down the road from his mum and dad, but what do you all think? Any stories or similar experiences would be great!

 

-- future melbs

[dmjg]

We moved back nearish to my parents in Melbourne.

 

We didn't even think about going elsewhere in Australia.

 

We were picked up from the airport and had a house for the first month until we got a rental unit. Borrowed my grandparents car until we could buy one of our own and borrowed a variety of furniture off family to do us until the container arrived.

 

Overall it probably saved us over $5000 for all this.

 

We saw the family a lot for the first few years but as we made our own friends and increased our contacts we have seen them less. We probably get together (all 19 of us) about eight or nine times per year.

 

The oh and I have made friends through work and the kids school and the local church. All these are within a ten minute drive, the family are at least 3/4 of an hour away each and it has to be a real want to see them.

 

The ohs parents turn up from the uk and live with us for three months straight each year, this is MUCH more painful than being within an hour and a half drive from mine!

 

 

 

Overall, keep at least an hours drive and you keep the pros and nullify the cons.

[Guest]

We moved back to my hubby's home city, most of his family live here. It's been fine. Not had any issues whatsoever. Same with his friends. I didn't see us as being on uneven footing or anything like that with him having friends already. He lived a number of years with me in the UK, shoe on other foot and all that. I never worried about the social aspect in the way you say. I never felt out on a limb, I could have if I let that be my mindset going in but I was focused, positive and didn't worry about that angle for myself.

 

What I have found is that hubby's friends and their partners (many of whom hubby didn't know having been away a while) have made me feel very welcome and included, but it's not like we see them a lot, maybe a BBQ a few times over the warmer months, a get together for some reason. Only one of his friends has become a friend of mine I see on my own, I really appreciate she took the time and we catch up for coffee now and again. Same with family, we don't live in their pockets at all. My MIL lives 20 mins away, FIL 15 mins drive. BIL is planning on buying a house in our suburb or one close by but not because they are close or want to spend lots of time around each other, more for practical and school reasons.

 

I made my own friends here within a few months, totally separate to my hubby. I meet up with them for lunch, coffee, we drop round each other's houses and so on. My hubby has himself become friends with one of my friends husband now. Plus made a heap of new friends for himself, if anything, he sees more of them than his old friends from before he moved overseas.

 

There is a lot to be said for moving back to your home country and spending a bit of time connecting with your roots so to speak, if your OH wanted to. Tbh hubby would not have gone anywhere else in AUS to live and I'd not have wanted him to. His home city is lovely, ticks all our boxes and has the bonus of family and friends within an hour's drive for most.

 

Migrating is tough, unless you both really want to live in another specific city or area, I'd say go to the home city and take it from there. The reality of a short flight may well be you only hop on they plane once a year. Don't live right on top of the family and friends. Remember the sprawl of AUS cities is such you could be well over an hour or more away from his old home area across town and so nowhere near his family or friends. Or friends have moved areas anyway in the time he has been gone. That is what I've found and we live in one of the smaller cities.

[Sammy1]

I had the opposite experience, but then I went to a small outback town in the middle of the desert and was very much made to feel the outsider. It was a horrific time.

 

I imagine it would be a different scenario in a city or anywhere near civilization.

[MARYROSE02]

It seems an odd perspective to me, to move to Australia, then deliberately NOT live close to your partner's family, to deny him easy access to them? Look on the bright side. If you get on with them, then you will acquire an instant family network, rather than both being isolated and lonely.

[Sammy1]

It seems an odd perspective to me, to move to Australia, then deliberately NOT live close to your partner's family, to deny him easy access to them? Look on the bright side. If you get on with them, then you will acquire an instant family network, rather than both being isolated and lonely.

 

It's not odd at all really, especially as Australia becomes more and transient in nature. The demands and availability of employment often dictate location and of course Australia is such a vast country.

[northernbird]

Hey all,

 

I'm making my way through the De Facto Partner Visa paperwork (just been assigned a case officer, woohoo). Our original plan was to move to VIC because my partner's family are based there and it would give us an easy start (somewhere to stay while we look for jobs).

 

Naturally we're going to settle wherever the best opportunities are for our respective careers, but I wondered if anyone has cautionary tales or advice on the pros and cons of crossing the world to live near your partner's family? It seems practical to do so, but socially it doesn't put us on a very even footing (my partner will easily integrate back into a community he knows well, while I'll be slightly out on a limb -- whereas if we both move somewhere new we're forging a new adventure together, and can still visit his family a short flight away (e.g. if we went with NSW). It feels more exciting for my partner and I to head to a totally new city, rather than move down the road from his mum and dad, but what do you all think? Any stories or similar experiences would be great!

 

-- future melbs

 

Why would you be out on a limb. You could meet a fantastic friend who was a partner or friend of someone your partner knows. I'd say it makes it a whole lot easier for you, that's just my opinion of course.

[Quoll]

Personally I wouldn't and we didn't. Even with the best will in the world and the nicest of people when you see them having everything with your little family (once the kids come along) and your family not getting you year after year at Christmas time the resentment can bubble up - especially if you are hormonal!

 

I think having a distance so that you are both learning the environment and making new friends is a plus rather than him going out with his old mates and you tagging along as a bit of a third wheel. I've had PMs from quite a few women who have found that their Aussie men slip back into the boys club leaving them very much on the periphery. Guess it all depends how long since your OH left and what sort of network he still has. I'd be wary of in laws unless I know them well - your OH is theirs you are not and most likely any differences you may have (we all have them) they will come down on his side thus skewing the power in your relationship away from equality.

 

My in laws are lovely people but I wouldn't want to live near them just because they were my in laws (in fact we both ran a mile when the MiL suggested we buy the house next to them when it was up for sale!).

 

So, no, I wouldn't and it worked well for us.

[MARYROSE02]

It's not odd at all really, especially as Australia becomes more and transient in nature. The demands and availability of employment often dictate location and of course Australia is such a vast country.

 

You are not looking at the OP's subject properly. She is not worrying about having to work a long way from her partner's family. She was wondering whether to DELIBERATELY settle a long way from her partner's family so that both her and her partner are 'in the same boat', i.e. alone in a strange country, far from family and friends.

[MARYROSE02]

I've never been in a relationship, but I really can't imagine ever saying to a new partner, 'Look, there is no way I'm going to live close to your familly and friends. I don't want you spending all your time with them rather than me.'

[Seizethedance]

We're moving next year to a small town in vic down the road from my in laws. We thought about lots of other places all over Australia but this made far more sense. Practically it'll be easier and great for our kids but also oh is much happier about the move now. It never occurred to me that I might feel a bit left out! If anything I think it will help us integrate more since he can call himself a local. Of course, we haven't done it yet so who knows how it'll all turn out.

[Marisawright]

Stay near the family. It is hard to make friends in Australia. You arrive and everyone already has their circle of friends established from school and university, and while Aussies are generally very friendly and open, they don't have room in that circle for any new close friendships. So you'll socialise easily over a few drinks after work, and chat with the barista when you buy your coffee, but you'll never get invited for dinner. Things will change if you have kids, as people's circles fracture at that time and you form new bonds with other mums, but till then you'll struggle.

 

There will be posters who'll say I'm talking nonsense, but I've seen so many people on these forums say the difficulty of friendships is one of their reasons for returning to the UK, and it has been my experience too.

 

So, be thankful that you've got a ready-made family to go to, and his ready-made friends who will also have girlfriends and wives you will get to know.

[NicF]

The only reason we moved to Australia was to be near my OH's family. Family are important to us and to deliberately base ourselves miles away would be wrong to me. We spent about 10 years living near my family in the UK and now it's time to live near my OHs family. My 84 year old mother in law is just a 5 minute drive away and we go and see her for an hour or two once a week. We deliberately chose to live close so we could be there quickly in case of emergency. Having said that though, because my SIL and BIL are both retired and we work full time it's often them that go and help out more during the week.

 

My SIL and BIL both live a bit further away - my SIL 20 minutes and my BIL about 40 minutes. We don't see them really often but go over occasionally for a meal or invite them here. My BIL loves near the beach we like to go to so we sometimes drop by for a visit after going to the beach. I'd say we probably see them about once a month on average. My SIL and her OH have our kids sometimes for the day or overnight. They have grandkids a similar age to ours and the kids will play together nicely. Being near the in laws has enabled our kids to develop relationships with their Australian family and has overall been a very positive experience. It helps that I like all my in laws and they are all very inclusive and supportive.

 

Pretty much all my OHs friends from Adelaide that he is still in touch with live elsewhere now. He has one friend in Melbourne that comes to Adelaide sometimes and will come over for a visit while he is here. Another friend is now living in South Korea so we don't see him very often at all. My OH is as much of an outsider here these days as I am.

 

Whether you should settle near your in laws or go and live someone else entirely will depend on your circumstances and how well you get on with the in laws. It does seem a bit odd to me to deliberately go and live in to completely different city though. If you already know your OHs family then the support they could provide when you move could be invaluable. On the other hand, if your OH has not been away long and still knows lots of people in the area and is likely to just slot back in to his old life then that could leave you feeling a bit on your own. I'd certainly be keen to be a bit further away from the old friends but within reaching distance, if that makes sense. Be close enough for the occasional visit but not so close your OH is out every night with them.

[Celt Down Under]

Do not underestimate the value in living close to family. They can give great support at short notice. I am not sure if you have children or not, but an example in our case is that our daughter lives a 6 hour drive from us due to her husbands job. I have lost count of the times that we have driven up there to help out when one of the children are ill, so that they do not have to take time off work to look after them. If they lived closer, it would be so much easier on them, and on us.

[Guest]

Should add we see the in laws here once a fortnight or so usually, sometimes longer. Mil and BIL and his family pop up after work one evening for dinner with us or we swing past their place. FIL we can go for a few weeks without seeing. We all have lives to lead.

 

We have larger extended family get-togethers on special occasions like Christmas, birthdays, weddings and stuff but it's far from OTT or in your face, quite the opposite.

 

Quoll's scenario of partner going out with his mates and me tagging along like a third wheel has never happened since we arrived in Aus. Nor the boys club thing. We have socialised together with his friends and their partners, he's not been interested in the guys night out type thing but then that is perhaps more a reflection of his personality and preferences. He's gone cycling a few times with a couple of his friends but he cycles daily anyway and so do they. Seemed daft to not go out on a few bike rides then I think.

 

I think it depends more on the type of person your partner is more than anything. If they are big social bunnies who like to have a beer with the lads then they may well do the same with mates in Aus. But this could happen with old and new friends wherever you end up living.

 

In laws, some people seem to have ones they get on with fine, others not. I'm not close to my in laws at all but we get on and I don't feel threatened or put out in any way by them. Nor does hubby want to get drawn into anything with them regarding our relationship. It's never happened yet and doubt it ever will. Mind or power games are not played by them and if they were neither of us would stand for it. So again, depends on the type of person you are with IMHO. Fwiw, hubby had no issues with my parents and gets on really well with them, they never played the in law card (whatever it is) or caused and grief for us/him and here in Aus, hubby's family are not an issue for me/us. I don't feel any resentment spending Christmas or part of it with them, nor did he feel that way in the UK. Our son is loved by both families and them spending time with him, whoever it is, is a joy for them, him and us. How can I be bitter my son spending time with family.

 

I believe you can live a healthy life in terms of in laws in the same city. It more boils down to the type of people you are and how you cope or feel about those people. We don't wish to live in the families pocket and so don't. Same with hubby's friends.

 

Hubby and I both agree we have a far better social life here than we did in the UK. Yet we've only been out to a bar or for a meal with his friends twice since we arrived a year ago. The rest had been socialising at home, ours or someone else's or BBQ at the park or some such. New friends, old friends and family. We just go with it

[Kerry85]

i totally see where you are coming from. We are about a 40 min drive from my partners family and old school friends who he sees regularly. We didnt want to live where they are living but my partner has no interest in making new friends where we are living as he already has friends! makes it hard for me trying to make friends on my own and you do feel abit annoyed that his friends and family are close by and its just you trying to meet people.

[octatonic]

Totally depends on the relationship with the in-laws.

I'd have no problem living near my in-laws.

My side of the family is the one I want a bit of distance from. :cute:

[MARYROSE02]

It all seems and sounds a bit sad, deliberately excluding people and/or deliberately living a long way from them. I know we all have people we don't exactly push ourselves to see, but it should be different with family?

 

Is it hard, or hard-er to make friends in Australia, compared to moving to a different part of the UK, say? Personally, it makes no difference to me. I very rarely distinguish between Poms and Aussies in that regard.

 

I know there are people on PIO who claim to have an instant affinity with other Poms when they meet compared to Aussies, but that is not my experience. I'm interested to talk to Poms when I met them but I don't go out of my way to meet them. In any case, I find Poms from other parts of the UK are often more alien than Aussies. Maybe I have just gone 'native!?'

[octatonic]

It all seems and sounds a bit sad, deliberately excluding people and/or deliberately living a long way from them. I know we all have people we don't exactly push ourselves to see, but it should be different with family?

 

I've never really understood this attitude.

From my perspective, family are just people you were thrown together with- you didn't choose them and they didn't choose you.

If you don't get on, for whatever reason, then why maintain an unhealthy or unproductive relationship?

 

Genuinely don't see why you should tolerate behaviour from family that you wouldn't tolerate from your friends.

[Jacaranda]

That's true! Hmm I think it depends what your OH's family are like.If they are warm,welcoming people,I can't see it being a problem.To the OP,if you are already thinking its best to "go it alone"are you ready for this move hon?Are you wanting to go it alone because you feel you might feel resentful abit further down the track.It does happen to a lot of people.My Outlaws lived fairly close to me but most of my folks are in Oz. Sometimes it was hard going,seeing my OH with his family,going to social events with them,spending Xmas with them and so on.Yes I did return to Oz a fair bit to see mine,but its not quite the same,not when I only saw mine once a year,sometimes once every 2 yrs whereas we were seeing his family quite regularly. If its just "for the adventure"then do you really need to be alone for that?

[grahamffc]

It's imposdible for people to say, some families and places will be more welcoming than others.

 

From my own experience though I think it would be much better to both start a fresh together, make mutual friends and both go to places for the first time together. I moved to my ex's hometown and hated it. I don't believe that anyone was intentionally unwelcoming but the impression I was given was that I was in the best country in the world and should be greatful, and there didn't need to be any need to make an effort for me when the entire population of the world is desperate to move there. That should override any homesickness.