dianaos Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 That'll be because theyve been deleted, I just checked back and now gone...poof as if like magic! Pah...meh and I don't believe it...actually I do... Fiona, some people edit their posting, deleting what was originally written and writing something completely new. That may have been what has happened here. I haven't been following this thread so can't tell you for sure but this may have been why you think postings have been deleted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus1 Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 As an administrator, I can tell you for sure as I can see the full thread history. There have been zero posts deleted. There have been 3 posts edited - 1 for punctuation, 1 for a spelling mistake and 1 had an extremely small inconsequential edit within a minute of being posted. So basically, nothing has been deleted, censored, rewritten etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Intagalaktika Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 Thanks for your post it's great to hear that you as a family are sticking together. I'm back in Oz at the moment on my own, the family are still in the UK. Whatever I say they are not prepared to come back. This seems very illogical to me as we can have another future here if we want it. Living with regret is so painful and debilitating. I only wanted the best for my family. I left Australia on a high, not realising that the high was from being in Australia, not from leaving here. Jasepom, You’re in a sticky, unpleasant, messy situation. I feel sorry for you, I really do. The situation you’re in is one that my wife and I have discussed during our deliberations of whether to move to Australia or not, simply because it’s a situation we’re very keen to avoid. If your wife really doesn’t want to return to Australia, you can’t stay in limbo forever. So my suggestion is you divorce her. Make it as quick and easy as you can, pull the plaster quickly, keep it as clean as possible. Then get on with your life. Live deliberately, with intent, committed to your choice. And let your wife and family get on with there’s. I don’t suggest divorce lightly (I did question whether to even write this post, I’m conscious that this is a serious subject and I don’t know you and I don’t know the nuances and every detail about your situation, so I can only form an opinion on what I’ve read in this public forum) and I’m not saying for a second that divorce is a nice option, but none open to you are: stay in the UK with your family or, in your eyes, live a much better life in Australia. People get divorced all the time for all sorts of reasons, it’s obviously legal, and I’m pretty sure no-one who’s had the misfortune of going through one would say it was a pleasant experience. But when it all calms down, then you’ll be free! You can live in the nice house in a nice area and have the nice car and the nice job, and you can go to the beach and all in the glorious sunshine! You can see your children on Skype and in the annual holiday, exchange the occasional for-the-sake-of-the-children pleasantries with your ex-wife, play the field, perhaps start a new relationship. It may be difficult at first but I guess, and hope, it would get easier with time. Or.. if the above scenario makes you feel a little bit sick inside, or makes you sweat a little, then my other suggestion would be to spend a bit more time figuring out what’s really important to you. Could you actually be happy in the UK? When it comes down to it, how different is day-to-day life in each country, for you? Is life really better in Australia? Do you want your children to really know you? And for your children to know their grandparents? Jump ahead 30 years from now, what’s the story you’d like to be able to tell about your life? What’s going to make you proud of yourself? Only you can make the decision, but just be sure that you’re making it rationally, in a clear state of mind, without rose-tinted glasses, with compromise where necessary and feasible, and aligned with personal values which are important and right for you and your family. And develop a plan that works for you. At the end of the day Australia and UK are both great first world countries, pros and cons to each, you’re both lucky and unlucky to have the choice between them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest51810 Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 What a horrible situation :sad: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 So 2 people make the decision to emigrate, 2 should make the decision to leave it or go back to it? Why should Jasepom do all the compromising? What about his happiness? Just playing devils advocate but it's a valid point..I think this kind of scenario can highlight flaws in an already rocky relationship, how about that?? Maybe the OP is a selfish pig, as implied by many posters, maybe he's battling a depression staying in the UK, as many posters have done..maybe he's torn, desperate..whatever the situation a dose of kindness and compassion for a man who's clearly struggling wouldn't go amiss...horrible to see the 'usual suspects' like a pack of dogs ready to character asassinate and judge as per usual...how very dare you be happier in Oz Jasepom. No situation is black and white. Fair point. As this is the MBTTUK forum where a fair few of us Aus-Sceptics/Phobes hang out, then it was pretty inevitable that Jasepom was going to get some stick for his decision. If the situation were reversed and he had left his family in Australia and returned to the UK then a whole different group of posters would have berated him for his choice. It is extremely complex as you say. Both adults are making a choice here, not just the O.P., and from bitter personal experience I know how hopeless it can feel when both parties have their eyes firmly fixed on separate futures. If you're childless then it's easier to resolve, but when there's kids involved the push/pull in both directions is devastating. I wish I had wiser counsel to offer, but ultimately to stay together as a family, one of the adults is going to have to take it on the chin and live in a country they don't like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest51810 Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 I cant find the post but i thought i read someone saying Jasepom had went back to oz? i thought he was still in the UK with his family but wanting to go back to oz I should put my glasses on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Intagalaktika Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 Everytime I have visited the uk I long to be back in brisbane. I visited the uk recently and had more friends check up with me than friends and family in the uk. I know 3 family's move back to uk and 2 moved back to oz. 1 family ping ponged twice. I would not live in England due to the long cold dark winters. I am happier in Brisbane I mean how great has the weather been since the euros here. So, in summary, jasepom should divorce his wife, leave the kids and live in the opposite side of the planet because you like the weather in Brisbane and happen to know some people who have moved back and forth a few times? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest51810 Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 Could it be a case of "wanting what you cant have" thats making you feel worse? Well you can have it obv.. but you need to make a choice. I just dont think a country is worth leaving your wife and kids for. Will your wife not consider giving it another go in the future - even if its a few years to come? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 This is all the stuff I had in the UK. Now unemployed and living in a crummy house in Brisbane. Australia has been kind to hubbie and kids - less so to me, and I wasn't to know that my skills (ICT) would drop out of favour.... I long to return to UK so I can start to live again! But everyone has different experiences - You are in a wonderful country, diverse, complex with great opportunities. Embrace it! i totally fear this happening to me too... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doubter Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 Jasepom, You’re in a sticky, unpleasant, messy situation. I feel sorry for you, I really do. The situation you’re in is one that my wife and I have discussed during our deliberations of whether to move to Australia or not, simply because it’s a situation we’re very keen to avoid. If your wife really doesn’t want to return to Australia, you can’t stay in limbo forever. So my suggestion is you divorce her. Make it as quick and easy as you can, pull the plaster quickly, keep it as clean as possible. Then get on with your life. Live deliberately, with intent, committed to your choice. And let your wife and family get on with there’s. I don’t suggest divorce lightly (I did question whether to even write this post, I’m conscious that this is a serious subject and I don’t know you and I don’t know the nuances and every detail about your situation, so I can only form an opinion on what I’ve read in this public forum) and I’m not saying for a second that divorce is a nice option, but none open to you are: stay in the UK with your family or, in your eyes, live a much better life in Australia. People get divorced all the time for all sorts of reasons, it’s obviously legal, and I’m pretty sure no-one who’s had the misfortune of going through one would say it was a pleasant experience. But when it all calms down, then you’ll be free! You can live in the nice house in a nice area and have the nice car and the nice job, and you can go to the beach and all in the glorious sunshine! You can see your children on Skype and in the annual holiday, exchange the occasional for-the-sake-of-the-children pleasantries with your ex-wife, play the field, perhaps start a new relationship. It may be difficult at first but I guess, and hope, it would get easier with time. Or.. if the above scenario makes you feel a little bit sick inside, or makes you sweat a little, then my other suggestion would be to spend a bit more time figuring out what’s really important to you. Could you actually be happy in the UK? When it comes down to it, how different is day-to-day life in each country, for you? Is life really better in Australia? Do you want your children to really know you? And for your children to know their grandparents? Jump ahead 30 years from now, what’s the story you’d like to be able to tell about your life? What’s going to make you proud of yourself? Only you can make the decision, but just be sure that you’re making it rationally, in a clear state of mind, without rose-tinted glasses, with compromise where necessary and feasible, and aligned with personal values which are important and right for you and your family. And develop a plan that works for you. At the end of the day Australia and UK are both great first world countries, pros and cons to each, you’re both lucky and unlucky to have the choice between them. Exactly what I was thinking but didnt want to say it. Jasepom, maybe there was cracks in your marriage and you didnt realise. I think you posted on the wrong thread if you are looking for full support on your decision. the majority are on Brits in Blighty. This decision will be yours alone as everybody has their own and different experience, to love or hate. I can relate to it slightly as I would go back to OZ and made the wrong decision but am moving on and living with that decision.I know that if I chose to go back it would be alone and end in divorce. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest41161 Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 Exactly what I was thinking but didnt want to say it. Jasepom, maybe there was cracks in your marriage and you didnt realise. Reading between the lines this may be the case, and Jase seems in a real difficult place. Only he can know what his priorities are. Personally, I would live pennyless in a cave in deepest darkest Africa just to be with my wife and child. Everything else is really unimportant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 Reading between the lines this may be the case, and Jase seems in a real difficult place. Only he can know what his priorities are. Personally, I would live pennyless in a cave in deepest darkest Africa just to be with my wife and child. Everything else is really unimportant. Aw what a lovely thing to say. :notworthy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 sorry jasepom all I read in your posts is YOU YOU YOU, do you miss your kids and wife at all?, they had it all did they? why wont they return from the UK,have you considered other peoples opinions, again sorry but the word selfish seems apt, So it's OK for him to return to the UK and feel down himself for maybe the rest of his life? You only live once and lots of people get divorced and split up for sometimes things that seem really trivial. If Jasepom is happy here and his missus is happy ther it might be the time for them to go their separate ways. He could go back, move in with his missus and be so down in the dumps that it changes his outlook on everything totally, turn him into someone his wife didn't marry. Could all end up bad. Won't have done anyone any good then. Like I said you only live once, may as well make the best of it. I think I am pretty selfish too, but happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashman Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 So it's OK for him to return to the UK and feel down himself for maybe the rest of his life? You only live once and lots of people get divorced and split up for sometimes things that seem really trivial. If Jasepom is happy here and his missus is happy ther it might be the time for them to go their separate ways. He could go back, move in with his missus and be so down in the dumps that it changes his outlook on everything totally, turn him into someone his wife didn't marry. Could all end up bad. Won't have done anyone any good then. Like I said you only live once, may as well make the best of it. I think I am pretty selfish too, but happy. So does it come down to only looking after number one? I deserve to be happy therefore that justifies making others miserable? This is one of the massive problems with modern society - it is all too easy to just think about oneself and not care how many others suffer through your actions. Actually I don't feel comfortable making comments on Jasepom's very difficult position - would need to know more info of which he probably doesn't want to share publicly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
surflen22 Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 So does it come down to only looking after number one? I deserve to be happy therefore that justifies making others miserable? This is one of the massive problems with modernsociety - it is all too easy to just think about oneself and not care how many others suffer through your actions. Actually I don't feel comfortable making comments on Jasepom's very difficult position - would need to know more info of which he probably doesn't want to share publicly. I don't think that's what Paul meant. He's not implying that it should all be about number one and to hell with everyone else! I think he's just pointing out that returning to the UK might not necessarily be the best course of action for ALL concerned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kate24 Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 Horrible situation to be in, we all have 20/20 hindsight and it would be much easier if we could see what was coming but the truth is you can't let regret and what ifs eat you up. You can't go back in time and you have to deal with the current situation. I would guess there are thousands of couples where one partner isn't happy with where they live but the relationship trumps the geography for them, this obviously isn't your situation. Rehashing the past isn't helping though and for the sake of everyone involved you all need to make some firm if very difficult decisions. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest51810 Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 I can see what Paul means but I think when you have children you have to think of the bigger picture, even if that means your a big unhappy. But hey i dont have children so maybe i shouldnt comment. Unless your marriage is pretty much finished then I think you should at least give it a shot - I would hope that eventually you could be happy here in the uk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 Maybe Paul's wife is happy he is in oz and not with her in the UK and that's why she dies not want to return. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest littlesarah Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 I sympathise, Jasepom. My husband was desperate to return home to Aus - he was due to return when we met and ended up staying in the UK before I came over on a WHV. We then ended up staying in the UK for about 4 years longer than we'd planned, and for a good few of those years he was not truly happy. He put up with it for me, hoping that I'd do what I'd always said I would (apply for a visa). It's really hard to live somewhere where you're not happy, and it's hard to find a compromise if you and yours don't agree; only you can know how things are in your relationship, and only you can figure out what to do. I'm not going to get into judging anyone, because these situations are almost always more complicated than they seem; and it's hard to say how I'd react if I hated being here and wanted to return to the UK. I'd like to think I'd live anywhere as long as it's with my husband, but until or unless that's tested I cannot say for certain whether I really would. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legoman Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 the thing is jasepom upped and returned to oz left the wife and kids in uk, none of us know full story or whether long talks about here to move took place but the fact Jasepom moved to the other side of the world alone says a lot. not a happy situ for any of them, but decisions seem to have been made. If Jasepom is looking for agreement on his perception that his family are worse off in the UK and their own thoughts must be wrong then the mbttuk is surely the wrong place to seek them out. opinions we have, answers we dont Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BritChickx Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 I think you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life being away from your children... not right now but in the future when you've missed out on them growing up and they don't wanna know their dad anymore....you'll have an even bigger regret. even though my dad lived in the same city as me thanks to his long term partner he didn't see me much over the years, now he says all the time he wishes he could turn back the clock and not let a woman get in the way of seeing me. It's all good now though. Just as well really cos if he hadn't started making the effort in the last few years i wouldn't be speaking to him now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest51810 Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 I think you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life being away from your children... not right now but in the future when you've missed out on them growing up and they don't wanna know their dad anymore....you'll have an even bigger regret. even though my dad lived in the same city as me thanks to his long term partner he didn't see me much over the years, now he says all the time he wishes he could turn back the clock and not let a woman get in the way of seeing me. It's all good now though. Just as well really cos if he hadn't started making the effort in the last few years i wouldn't be speaking to him now. agree with this 100% Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legoman Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 So it's OK for him to return to the UK and feel down himself for maybe the rest of his life? You only live once and lots of people get divorced and split up for sometimes things that seem really trivial. If Jasepom is happy here and his missus is happy ther it might be the time for them to go their separate ways. He could go back, move in with his missus and be so down in the dumps that it changes his outlook on everything totally, turn him into someone his wife didn't marry. Could all end up bad. Won't have done anyone any good then. Like I said you only live once, may as well make the best of it. I think I am pretty selfish too, but happy. GET your facts right, i didnt knock him for being in Perth I said he was making opinions for others and saying its illogical the way his family think because they didnt think his way! deary me! he upped and left his wife and kids and came to the other side of the world alone, then is amazed his family dont see oz as he sees it, and he doesnt see uk as they see it, he upped and left the family, and feeling a bit sorry for himself, fromthe only facts ihave read i still see selfish, his wife and kids just went back home Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 But why should someone have to live somewhere they are unhappy just to keep someone else happy? Works both ways and eats at a relationship because someone has to lose out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BritChickx Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 But why should someone have to live somewhere they are unhappy just to keep someone else happy? Works both ways and eats at a relationship because someone has to lose out. I guess that depends on how much someone cares about their children. when you have kids you need to put them before yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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