kate24 Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Jase, you need to move on. Your life 'before' may now seem like a dream life but obviously it wasn't as you and your family relocated. And it quite patently wasn't a dream,even now, for your wife as she has remained in the uk. Its very easy to look back and think things were great if you're now looking from a disadvantaged position but it obviously wasn't the heaven you thought it was for everyone or you'd all be together. From the information you've given, both your wife and you are very entrenched and opposed as to what to do next and that in itself is quite telling. You can't go back in time (oh that I wish we could as I have my own we were so happy story too) so you need to make some positive moves to the future. Maybe you need to go to couple counselling -you can go alone, and recommend that your wife does too and maybe it will give you both some insight into how to move forward together, whether that be together or apart in uk/aus. But staring at your navel wishing it all back is just going to make you feel rubbish. and most importantly your kids need to know what is going on and to get some plans in place for visits etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
millymarie Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 It may not be the end of the world for your wife to come back, however, you seem to be totally disregarding her feelings, which is so evident with so many of your me me me I I I statements. You really need to STOP thinking about yourself and think about your family and how they might be feeling at the moment with you having 'done one.' If you don't have this level of empathy for others' feelings, get some help with it - if not for your family's sake, then for your own sake. Someone said well what should he do, be stuck in the UK miserable? No of course you shouldn't. However, you can't have it all ways. You either need to make the conscious decision to leave your family and start a new life alone accepting that they do not want to be here, or if you love them and want to be with them then return to the UK. Your wife clearly feels as strongly about not wanting to live in Australia as you do about not wanting to live in the UK. However, she is not the one who has left the family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest chris955 Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 All I hear is how great Australia is, how fantastic it is for kids, how much better it is for kids, how much happier they will be blah blah blah. His wife doesnt want to be in Australia and in all likelihood his kids will grow up and happy and healthy in the UK like many millions of other kids here. HE has the belief that Australia is Utopia and it may well be for HIM but obviously not for his wife. Neither should be unhappy in either country. The OP needs to accept he has left his family behind and get on with his new life in Australia and let his family get on with theirs. I could never imagine leaving my family and hate being away from them for even a weekend which I sometimes have to do but the OP has to do what he feels is right regardless of how selfish he appears to us. If country outweighs family that is for him to live with. My wife came to Australia to be with me 20 odd years ago, she didnt want to live there and never did in the ensuing years, we are all now happily living in England. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legoman Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 They did cry a bit about going back that should have stopped us for sure. God it wasnt fair to do that to them to take their fantastic home life out from under their feet. it was a million dollar blunder going back. No one benefitted from the move there was no job to go to or house waiting for us just stress and anxiety for no reason. theres something not quite right with you or your posts, you answer every question with a statement about how great their life was here in oz, no mention of love,care no mention of your wife, just bleat on about how great australia is for you!. You need to take this to a counsellor and get your mindset right, as someone said you are in denial about the situ, something not right here, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacsalady Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 I think we were (insane)! thirty odd years here and we wanna come home. the climate is terrible....no rain, buying water....snake bites to dogs, twice...bugs galore that annoy and bite, the list goes on. Yes we live on acreage with a nice house but am not going to bury my parents or myself in a country that has gone to the dogs with an apathetic society. we want what we had when we left(different locale tho)...at least a normal climate not extremes with driving wind...-8 to 37(today) is too much Thinking about Oban area...been there, or Ireland...not so inspiring tho Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
millymarie Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Very strange that you are reflecting so deeply on moving back to the uk and how unfair this was to your family yet you appear to demonstrate absolutely no reflection on how fair your actions are now. Why is it you care so deeply about your actions then, but don't appear to care about your actions now?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest77374 Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 I don't agree that a couple should stay together for the kids sake, kids are happy kids with happy parents, parents can make a child's life miserable for staying together for the sake of kids (this is very wrong) what is wrong with him being in OZ and the mother being in the UK, i don't know how old the child is but he/she can visit their father and have long holidays rather than every other weekend as most fathers get in the uk, longer holiday times with the father may benefit them both and the child has something good to look forward too. this does work for alot of people, he just needs to sort his situation out quickly for himself and for his kids so they all know where they stand and get on with their life's. its his call know-one else s. I am sorry, I just cannot let this one go. For some kids maybe nothing wrong (if they were not close to the parent they are losing to a continent on the other side of the world), for kids who are close to that parent and love that parent it is devastating beyond anything most people could possibly imagine. Looking forward to a holiday once a year or once ever two years in no way makes up for snuggling on the sofa watching a dvd, cycling together in the park, walking round the shops together hand in hand on a regular basis. I was one of those kids separated from a parent as a child and it sent me into the depths of despair and I deeply hope Jasepoms kids are not suffering in this way! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DIVA Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 They are still ostensibly "together" from what I can tell He came back to Oz on his own, his wife and kids don't want to come back. It's a bit different to situations where a marriage has already broken up Mmm think you might be wrong by the sound of things, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DIVA Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 I am sorry, I just cannot let this one go. For some kids maybe nothing wrong (if they were not close to the parent they are losing to a continent on the other side of the world), for kids who are close to that parent and love that parent it is devastating beyond anything most people could possibly imagine. Looking forward to a holiday once a year or once ever two years in no way makes up for snuggling on the sofa watching a dvd, cycling together in the park, walking round the shops together hand in hand on a regular basis. I was one of those kids separated from a parent as a child and it sent me into the depths of despair and I deeply hope Jasepoms kids are not suffering in this way! you can't bring your misery into other peoples situation you don't even know them or how they communicate or how they are sorting things out, people handle things differently his kids are not you this guy needs to sort things out for himself and his kids not for everyone on this forum who seems to be knocking him and his situation, everybody is selfish in some way including you that's reality of life, people keep saying he needs to sort it out then let him and stop knocking him its his business and his mess. i think the actual parents know whats best not people who don't even know the family. His wife might not want to be with him for all we know 'so what' its their business and their marriage I thought a migration forum is about migrating not knocking people or being nosy in other peoples life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Jase I just wondered how your kids are getting on now they're back in the UK?. Emotionally I mean?. I recognise that Australia can throw up some terrific opportunities for an outdoors life and that they might miss that stuff a bit, but what's your take on how they're coping with you being on the other side of the world? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 They did cry a bit about going back that should have stopped us for sure. God it wasnt fair to do that to them to take their fantastic home life out from under their feet. it was a million dollar blunder going back. No one benefitted from the move there was no job to go to or house waiting for us just stress and anxiety for no reason. But it is done now. You keep saying that you shouldn't have moved and dwelling on the mistake (mistake in your eyes that is). There is no point as you cannot turn back the clock. You need to think about the future and make your choices so that all of you can accept the situation and move on with life Make your choices knowing that you are very unlikely to get your children back in Australia, no matter how desperately you want it. You won't win that battle (should you decide to battle) and also consider the impact on the children being in the middle of that should you decide to start something like that. No I think you need to decide which you want, Australia or your children. I am gonig to take your wife out of it, as it seems pretty clear to me that your relationship is over as you have barely mentioner her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunni1234 Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 jasepom:we returned to the UK recently. My OH has not settled since returning. I however (the wife) have settled here and love being with my family, so much so that i really don't want to return to OZ. Our kids are settled in their schools here too. But my husband believes it is the right thing for us as a family to go back and give it another go. I am very reluctant but can see that the kids probably will have good opportunties back there. My hubby has been very sad since returning and it breaks my heart to see him that way. So i have agreed to go back and just see how it goes. It may well work out. But if it doesn't we will come back again.It will cost us financially but .........we will be together whereever that is.Hope things work out for you.sunni Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MovedOn Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Hi. OP's wife here. Have thought long and hard about replying to this. It's quite surreal to see my marriage discussed on a public forum by complete strangers! Some of you are obviously very perceptive, perhaps you know me in real life! There is obviously much more to this than 2 countries. I have nothing against Australia. Enjoyed our 4.5 years there and was actually quite upset when Jase told me he wanted to return to the UK after 2 years. Yes. Jase wanted to return here. Spent 2 years wearing me down and yes I was homesick. I missed my family and friendsand although I made a handful of lovely friends in Australa (who have shown me a massive amount of support over this last year), I didn't ever feel it was a forever move. Our children have settled extremely well back in England. They are absolutely adamant they do not want to return to Australia even if that means not seeing their dad. Sad but true. His continual negativity about England and stubbornness in getting help for his mental health issues tore this family apart. I am happy enough living wherever. I said we could return to Australia when the kids finished schooling here (I find the schools they are at are much better suited to them than the Australian schools they attended). I also refuse to put my son back nearly 2 years, he is Y8 here, would still be finishing primary in Australia. I am devastated by what has happened and hurt beyond belief that my husband who I really loved, would put a country ahead of his family and would be so unwilling to make any compromises. But I have to put my children and then my own needs ahead of his. Putting us through another huge move when I can absolutely guarantee it will not make Jase happy long term would be a silly thing to do. We are fortunate. Australia was good to us and we have no money worries. I have no regrets about going to Australia. And I have no regrets about leaving. I am happy to be back in Yorkshire and I feel I belong in this country. And more importantly our children are happy and settled, it breaks my heart that they have no daddy wanting to be part of their everyday lives, but ultimately that relationship is Jase's responsibility, not mine. I am sorry to bring up such personal stuff and air our dirty linen on a public forum. But I am quite touched by some of the responses on this thread. Thank you to those who are alert enough to realize this is much more complicated than Australia good, England bad! Or vice versa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellers and Whitehead Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Hi. OP's wife here. Have thought long and hard about replying to this. It's quite surreal to see my marriage discussed on a public forum by complete strangers! Some of you are obviously very perceptive, perhaps you know me in real life! There is obviously much more to this than 2 countries. I have nothing against Australia. Enjoyed our 4.5 years there and was actually quite upset when Jase told me he wanted to return to the UK after 2 years. Yes. Jase wanted to return here. Spent 2 years wearing me down and yes I was homesick. I missed my family and friendsand although I made a handful of lovely friends in Australa (who have shown me a massive amount of support over this last year), I didn't ever feel it was a forever move. Our children have settled extremely well back in England. They are absolutely adamant they do not want to return to Australia even if that means not seeing their dad. Sad but true. His continual negativity about England and stubbornness in getting help for his mental health issues tore this family apart. I am happy enough living wherever. I said we could return to Australia when the kids finished schooling here (I find the schools they are at are much better suited to them than the Australian schools they attended). I also refuse to put my son back nearly 2 years, he is Y8 here, would still be finishing primary in Australia. I am devastated by what has happened and hurt beyond belief that my husband who I really loved, would put a country ahead of his family and would be so unwilling to make any compromises. But I have to put my children and then my own needs ahead of his. Putting us through another huge move when I can absolutely guarantee it will not make Jase happy long term would be a silly thing to do. We are fortunate. Australia was good to us and we have no money worries. I have no regrets about going to Australia. And I have no regrets about leaving. I am happy to be back in Yorkshire and I feel I belong in this country. And more importantly our children are happy and settled, it breaks my heart that they have no daddy wanting to be part of their everyday lives, but ultimately that relationship is Jase's responsibility, not mine. I am sorry to bring up such personal stuff and air our dirty linen on a public forum. But I am quite touched by some of the responses on this thread. Thank you to those who are alert enough to realize this is much more complicated than Australia good, England bad! Or vice versa. Hats off to you for responding..huge respect as must be heart breaking reading your life story on here. Sounds like you are coping as well add can be expected, and your post answered alot of questions I had in my head about the childrens needs and wants. I wish you all the best! I'm from North Yorkshire and also miss family and friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skani Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Much admiration for you - it must have been very difficult to write this. Wishing the whole family a happy resolution to this situation. :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Hi. OP's wife here. Have thought long and hard about replying to this. It's quite surreal to see my marriage discussed on a public forum by complete strangers! Some of you are obviously very perceptive, perhaps you know me in real life! There is obviously much more to this than 2 countries. I have nothing against Australia. Enjoyed our 4.5 years there and was actually quite upset when Jase told me he wanted to return to the UK after 2 years. Yes. Jase wanted to return here. Spent 2 years wearing me down and yes I was homesick. I missed my family and friendsand although I made a handful of lovely friends in Australa (who have shown me a massive amount of support over this last year), I didn't ever feel it was a forever move. Our children have settled extremely well back in England. They are absolutely adamant they do not want to return to Australia even if that means not seeing their dad. Sad but true. His continual negativity about England and stubbornness in getting help for his mental health issues tore this family apart. I am happy enough living wherever. I said we could return to Australia when the kids finished schooling here (I find the schools they are at are much better suited to them than the Australian schools they attended). I also refuse to put my son back nearly 2 years, he is Y8 here, would still be finishing primary in Australia. I am devastated by what has happened and hurt beyond belief that my husband who I really loved, would put a country ahead of his family and would be so unwilling to make any compromises. But I have to put my children and then my own needs ahead of his. Putting us through another huge move when I can absolutely guarantee it will not make Jase happy long term would be a silly thing to do. We are fortunate. Australia was good to us and we have no money worries. I have no regrets about going to Australia. And I have no regrets about leaving. I am happy to be back in Yorkshire and I feel I belong in this country. And more importantly our children are happy and settled, it breaks my heart that they have no daddy wanting to be part of their everyday lives, but ultimately that relationship is Jase's responsibility, not mine. I am sorry to bring up such personal stuff and air our dirty linen on a public forum. But I am quite touched by some of the responses on this thread. Thank you to those who are alert enough to realize this is much more complicated than Australia good, England bad! Or vice versa. always two sides of a story and you have cleared up other side in a thoughtful and honest way...thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Thanks for sharing so candidly and bravely the other half of the story as it were. Just to echo the previous posters, I really hope you find a way of successfully resolving this as a family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted November 17, 2012 Share Posted November 17, 2012 Thanks for taking the trouble to explain your side of things, movedon. I really wonder why your husband posted in the first place because it all seems a very private matter to me. Good luck to you and your family and I hope things work out for you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legoman Posted November 17, 2012 Share Posted November 17, 2012 respect to you moved on, yes must be awful seeing your situation in public, Jase posted some personal details but happily we now know the kids are settled and you are happy, I think most peeps found it strange jase left and came backbut a you say he made no compromises. we all have had a coment but none of us have walked in your shoes so know nothing, hope all works out well, good old english christmas looming, enjoy :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest77374 Posted November 17, 2012 Share Posted November 17, 2012 you can't bring your misery into other peoples situation you don't even know them or how they communicate or how they are sorting things out, people handle things differently his kids are not you this guy needs to sort things out for himself and his kids not for everyone on this forum who seems to be knocking him and his situation, everybody is selfish in some way including you that's reality of life, people keep saying he needs to sort it out then let him and stop knocking him its his business and his mess. i think the actual parents know whats best not people who don't even know the family. His wife might not want to be with him for all we know 'so what' its their business and their marriage I thought a migration forum is about migrating not knocking people or being nosy in other peoples life The only reason I brought 'my misery' into the equation was in response to the comment you made, "what is wrong with him being in OZ and the mother being in the UK, i don't know how old the child is but he/she can visit their father and have long holidays rather than every other weekend as most fathers get in the uk, longer holiday times with the father may benefit them both and the child has something good to look forward too." because from frist hand experience, I know it can feel very wrong. As I said, some children might deal with it ok but many won't. Its one thing to have your parents split up but live in the same country. Its another thing to have a much loved parent live on the other side of the world. And not all parents can afford holidays to Australia or to the UK on a regular basis. And holidays cannnot make up for regular more normal regular contact. I am fully aware that Jasepoms kids are not me, but I naturally am going to have concerns that they might feel pain at the loss of their dad in the way I did. And if I feel that concern, I am naturally going to want to express it. You say that people were knocking Jasepom, but I think most posts have been balanced and people are trying not to be too harsh or judge (and I include myself in that), despite the fact that a dad has come on an open forum and stated that he has left his wife and children because he prefers the lifestyle in Australia. And we can only assume that Jasepom wants opinions on his situation if he has posted it on an open forum. It would have been unrealistic of Jasepom to post his expremely personal issues on an open forum and only expect people to reply saying "yes Jasepom, you were definatelly insane to move back to the UK because of homesickness, and your wife is being completely illogical wanting to stay with her family in the UK, and we can totally understand why you have left your wife and kids to move back to Australia, because yes we can see how living in a larger house, and owning a nicer car and earning more money is WAY more important than your marriage and children!" In fact I have seen no sign of Jasepom expecting this response and he has taken any negative comments on the chin and hasn't attacked anyone for not agreeing with his stance, so I do not feel he needs defending from all us 'nosey' people (and I think its natural and healthy to be interested in other peoples lives. Humans are after all social animals.) I was relieved to read movedon's post (particularly the part where she says the children are settled in the UK and doing well considering their loss), but also saddened to hear that Jasepom has suffered with mental health problems. I too have suffered with mental health problems and I know how hard that can be and am now wondering how much those issues are dictating his decision to leave the UK. I hope he will be ok long term and I hope all the family find peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellers and Whitehead Posted November 17, 2012 Share Posted November 17, 2012 Wonderful post!Alot of people hate admitting they feel they are wrong and I hope you manage to return and fulfill your dreams. Its wrong to analyse your thoughts as that's exactly what they are yours! Sometimes it's just a relief to share and hope it brings understanding to your dilemma, and that's not people who want the same but the understanding of making a wrong decision and hoping they can correct that. Good luck in what ever path life sends you on Gary Wonderful post?! Not sure if you have read his other posts..not sure his wife and children feel it is wonderful!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gazsmith Posted November 17, 2012 Share Posted November 17, 2012 Funnily have just been reading through after posting on the original!! i deleted my original response as after reading all that's been written I really don't feel I should or have the right to intervene on relationship matters!! Whatever the outcome what will be will be and I wish all parties involved in this the best of luck. Gary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pablo Posted November 17, 2012 Share Posted November 17, 2012 Hi. OP's wife here. Have thought long and hard about replying to this. It's quite surreal to see my marriage discussed on a public forum by complete strangers! Some of you are obviously very perceptive, perhaps you know me in real life! There is obviously much more to this than 2 countries. I have nothing against Australia. Enjoyed our 4.5 years there and was actually quite upset when Jase told me he wanted to return to the UK after 2 years. Yes. Jase wanted to return here. Spent 2 years wearing me down and yes I was homesick. I missed my family and friendsand although I made a handful of lovely friends in Australa (who have shown me a massive amount of support over this last year), I didn't ever feel it was a forever move. Our children have settled extremely well back in England. They are absolutely adamant they do not want to return to Australia even if that means not seeing their dad. Sad but true. His continual negativity about England and stubbornness in getting help for his mental health issues tore this family apart. I am happy enough living wherever. I said we could return to Australia when the kids finished schooling here (I find the schools they are at are much better suited to them than the Australian schools they attended). I also refuse to put my son back nearly 2 years, he is Y8 here, would still be finishing primary in Australia. I am devastated by what has happened and hurt beyond belief that my husband who I really loved, would put a country ahead of his family and would be so unwilling to make any compromises. But I have to put my children and then my own needs ahead of his. Putting us through another huge move when I can absolutely guarantee it will not make Jase happy long term would be a silly thing to do. We are fortunate. Australia was good to us and we have no money worries. I have no regrets about going to Australia. And I have no regrets about leaving. I am happy to be back in Yorkshire and I feel I belong in this country. And more importantly our children are happy and settled, it breaks my heart that they have no daddy wanting to be part of their everyday lives, but ultimately that relationship is Jase's responsibility, not mine. I am sorry to bring up such personal stuff and air our dirty linen on a public forum. But I am quite touched by some of the responses on this thread. Thank you to those who are alert enough to realize this is much more complicated than Australia good, England bad! Or vice versa. Family should always come first in my eyes,best of luck to all of you,i hope you all(inc Jase)find a resolution Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest51810 Posted November 17, 2012 Share Posted November 17, 2012 Best of luck Jase and MovedOn - hope you can sort things out x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
russ and claire Posted November 17, 2012 Share Posted November 17, 2012 Thank you for replying to the thread Movedon, it must be incredibly frustrating for you, hope you both can sort something out :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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