BackToLife Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 (edited) The same could be said for the Husband he valuing living in Australia more than the happiness of his family. As tpsister says the children want to return also!!! Status quo then....both of them value living in either the UK (wife) or Australia (husband) at the expense of the happiness of the family. (Edited...ooops....getting confused with another post. Removed the bit about 6 months). As for the children wanting to return....it is possible some of the unhappiness and negativity in her Opening Post has filtered through to them, and mothers have a very strong influence on their children. Edited September 21, 2014 by BackToLife Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BackToLife Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 Maybe she is.We don't know this ladies personal life,and what her marriage is like do we?The thing is,sometimes us women need more than "Just the guy"Guys are'nt gods (Sorry guys).I believe alot of women need their families for added support,and like a close knit tie with them,and really whats wrong with that?Its alot to ask of anyone (Guy or woman)to leave their home country,and try and make it work without any family around.I'm not saying its impossible.Of course many achieve successfully but alot don't.Friends can be good,but imho are not really a great substitute for family. Regarding her marriage...very true, we don't. Also, if you really are that close to your birth family, then emigrating to the other side of the world is surely not something to be even contemplated, as the move is more than likely doomed to failure from the start, taking with it your relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bridgeman Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 Yes, but it's not just being close to family is it? That's just one of the factors. It's also feeling that you do not belong and that you are living in an alien environment where things are not familiar. We actually moved to Oz to be near our family who emigrated here, but do not feel that this is home and that maybe our hearts are really in the UK, even though we no longer have any family there. I can sympathise and you do not know how it will work out until you are actually here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 Regarding her marriage...very true, we don't. Also, if you really are that close to your birth family, then emigrating to the other side of the world is surely not something to be even contemplated, as the move is more than likely doomed to failure from the start, taking with it your relationship. I guess some people who are close to their families,don't really realise the pull they have until they're not around anymore.No one can predict how they'll feel until they actually emigrate.Some people actually probably like being 10,000 miles away!:cute: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 Wanting to be where you belong is an extraordinary strong pull.. And you can't predict that you're going to feel that way so can't avoid it by not coming in the first place. Not just family and friends but things like not being asked on a regular basis 'where do you come from?' or 'Are you on holiday'? I feel it more as I get older and crave familiar comfort and support more, even though I'm a pretty resilient person - and feel for anyone with a young family, few people need a great support network more. I know that even very solid marriages need to be supplemented (for females anyhow) with other friends. I wish the OP well, have been in a similar position and made my decision (subject to a negotiated length of stay). I do know I wouldn't stay here long term for anyone as my mental health would suffer and I'd be no real use to my family anyhow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 (edited) I haven't read all the previous comments but no doubt they say "England is ruined", blah blah blah and all the usual crap! Home is where your heart is. Your head can see the materialistic things but at the end of the day they mean nothing. Im pretty sure your kids would rather a day with family than a day at the beach. IMO I would say your husband is calling your bluff, it would take a..brave/crazy man to let his wife and kids leave just so he can stay in Aus (or any country, before I get jumped on!) I hit the wall at 8 months too, felt rock bottom, really low and dreamt about going home every day, from 8 - 12 months was horrible, i wont lie to you, and it got worse until I nearly booked flights home. Once we had been here a year my wife and I sat down and discussed how it had gone, feelings, thoughts and whether it had lived up to 'the dream' I was still keen to go home and up until this point my wife had been fairly settled but now she was starting to see a long term future here without family, friends and home all for the sake of the beach and sunshine wasnt really what was important in a childs life. Before we even left home we agreed to give it 2 years and after that if neither or one of us wasnt settled we would move home, lifes too short to be unhappy just to save face. This 2 year agreement is still in place and now that we are only 8 months away from it I can feel home getting closer (should I still want it) and now I am a lot more relaxed and happy. Im not sure Im happy/relaxed enough to stay forever but I can enjoy it and make the most of the next 8 months and in turn that might make me want to stay or if we do then move home we will have had made the most of being here. Back to the OP, there is nothing in Australia, no amount of money, no kind of house or car that would make me stay here at the expense of my wifes happiness or let her leave with my children and Im sure your hubby is just scaremongering. I hope it all resolves itself and you do what is right. Your heart usually knows better than your head. Edited September 22, 2014 by wattsy1982 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wattsy1982 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I also fell into the trap of agreeing to come back to UK after 4 years in Oz. I must have been f*ing insane as had a well paid secure job and new house build. We could never get that in UK with the way things are now. Australia is a great way of life and I''m back but the family don't want to come over. Can't understand how we managed to throw something so amazing away. I think you've answered your own question there. Is Australia a greater way of life than being with your wife and CHILDREN! I think not! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lostlily Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I think that is a very insensitive comment to make. The poor woman is in pain and you are judging her very unfairly. Some people need extended family networks to feel happy. I could turn this comment on it's head and say he is valuing her less than zero. But I am not that judgemental. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainR Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 (edited) Neither of you are compromising, I feel that you are both at fault in this situation. You are using your children's education to justify your stance, when in my opinion that issue is something you can be a little more flexible on and it won't destroy your children's education. I would say that you and your husband should set a deadline like the one described by the poster above, whereby you give it another year for instance and if at that point it really doesn't work, then you both accept it's time to go home. Also, within that time frame take a long holiday to the UK together to see if you really do miss the UK or if it's rose tinted glasses. At least if you agreed on this, you would know you had given it the best possible chance and will have little or no regrets down the line. Perhaps showing compromise from your side may encourage your husband to also show compromise, instead of feeling cornered into a situation where he has no choice or control. The onus will also be on him to prove to that you can have a life together in Oz. Edited September 22, 2014 by CaptainR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BackToLife Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I think that is a very insensitive comment to make. The poor woman is in pain and you are judging her very unfairly. Some people need extended family networks to feel happy. I could turn this comment on it's head and say he is valuing her less than zero. But I am not that judgemental. When someone posts on a public forum statements such as: 'My family are so much to me and I cant believe I ever gave them up for him..' then they have to expect that responding comments may not be as supportive as they would like - or, it appears, as you demand. To me, that statement is grossly insensitive, and disloyal, and should never have been made public. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maggie2012 Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 well, not every one can adopt easy and some people do it to make their other halves happy and that becomes the issue. It is about commitment and wanting to do things. We humans can do anything what we really want. But remove the want and that becomes a problem. the truth is that the modern man learnt to "run away" rather than "stay and fight". hard to give advice nd we really cannot here. You and I are simply stating our opinion without really experiencing what she is going through. I am not a preacher but for us happiness comes from being together as a couple and it would not matter if we were in Antarctica or Mars. You can only miss something that you love more and if your happiness comes from somewhere else than your own house, you have fundamental issues with your relationship. So I think it is rather a family question now: divorces happen for a reason, but if you still love him, remember your wedding vows. Life is a compromise and when you fall down you get up and keep moving. Find your own way to happiness, find happiness in what you already got. Just remembering that how many people on this earth are homeless every day and that you are not one of them should make you happy already... Only you can decide what should be the right course of action not us here.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpsister Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 you know nothing of my marriage, and yes my mum, dad and brother do mean more to me than my husband. I think moving to oz with him showed my loyalty and after 8 yrs I am now thinking of myself . I make no excuses for it. I have not influenced my kids they have the choice and the two youngest have chosen to come with me, my eldest wishes to stay. if they didn't want to go I wouldn't either. I have lived away from my family during all of my marriage as my oh was in the army, I followed him about Europe willingly and when promised that we would live near family after he got out we then emigrated I have done my duty to my marriage but now it is time for me and my needs....am I selfish....yes.....was he ....yes....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maria1970 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I am not a preacher but for us happiness comes from being together as a couple and it would not matter if we were in Antarctica or Mars. You can only miss something that you love more and if your happiness comes from somewhere else than your own house, you have fundamental issues with your relationship. So I think it is rather a family question now: divorces happen for a reason, but if you still love him, remember your wedding vows. Life is a compromise and when you fall down you get up and keep moving. Find your own way to happiness, find happiness in what you already got. Just remembering that how many people on this earth are homeless every day and that you are not one of them should make you happy already... Only you can decide what should be the right course of action not us here.... You certainly sound like you are preaching to me. Compromise is fine, providing it is two-way. What is fair about always having to be the one to do the compromising? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clare Crane Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 It's not the same thing but when I moved to France, I cried every day for weeks. I stuck it out though and loved it within a year Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andromeda9 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 It really does take a long long time to feel anything like settled. Taken me several years, been back once on my own. Loved everyday going back alone in April can't wait. BUT Australia really is ten times better than the UK My husband loves it here as do my grown up sons Think the main loss is friends we grow up with are no longer there Hope whatever you decide to do works out well. My uk address was Manchester my OZ address is Portland Victoria Million miles different. Just arrived back after a three month trip Think Perth is wonderful as was Freemantle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andromeda9 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 You certainly sound like you are preaching to me. Compromise is fine, providing it is two-way. What is fair about always having to be the one to do the compromising? Nothing to do with compromise. Home sickness is a killer,unless you have experienced it you will never know how ill it makes you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andromeda9 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 It really does take a long long time to feel anything like settled. Taken me several years, been back once on my own. Loved everyday going back alone in April can't wait. BUT Australia really is ten times better than the UK My husband loves it here as do my grown up sons Think the main loss is friends we grow up with are no longer there Hope whatever you decide to do works out well. My uk address was Manchester my OZ address is Portland Victoria Million miles different. Just arrived back after a three month trip Think Perth is wonderful as was Freemantle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
globetrotters2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 It is difficult settling into this country...no doubt. When I first came here before the wife and kids followed, I travelled back to the UK every few months, and I was glad that I did. A few years down the track and it is feeling increasingly like home. Resettling isn't easy for everyone, but believe me you, throwing the towel in after just 8 months isn't the answer. It sounds like you guys communication issues, probably have done for a while, and things are just coming to a head. I would suggest that you 2 look at finding a common interest and invest time in doing that thing together. After a few years married we all develop our individualism in our marriages/ relationships. But we've got too work on them even more if a big move like this is going to work. Living in separate countries will only lead to the destruction of your relationship and home. Think about this more carefully please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3 Piccos Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 When people emigrated as £10 poms they had to stay for two years before returning to their country of origin. That's because it is acknowledged that it takes time to settle down in a new country. Eight months is way too early and it sounds as though you have been thinking about returning for a lot of that time. I emigrated in the 1970's when there was no Skype, I didn't have a telephone and contact was with an aerogramme (one week each way). I had no family or friends when I arrived with my husband and two sons. I threw myself in to making a home in this new country. Nowadays, I think new migrants spend too much time in their old life, constantly contacting friends on Skype. They have a foot in each camp so to speak. I am sorry you feel homesick but I do think you need to give it more time for the sake of your family remaining as a family. Best of luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ozglenn Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 It really does take a long long time to feel anything like settled. Taken me several years, been back once on my own. Loved everyday going back alone in April can't wait. BUT Australia really is ten times better than the UK My husband loves it here as do my grown up sons Think the main loss is friends we grow up with are no longer there Hope whatever you decide to do works out well. My uk address was Manchester my OZ address is Portland Victoria Million miles different. Just arrived back after a three month trip Think Perth is wonderful as was Freemantle Your post is a little condradictory, "loved everyday going back alone in April can't wait" So you are sure you are settled here? I agree that Portland is different to Manchester, you could say that the Welsh coast is also, as Portland is a very remote town compared to say Melbourne. For you Australia might well be ten times better but that is a subjective perspective only and for many it is no better and for many it is worse. I'm in the Adelaide hills, today it is cold and raining i nthe middle of summer and a few days ago is was a scorching heatwave with risk of bushfire devastation. On days like this it far from perfect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ozglenn Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 When people emigrated as £10 poms they had to stay for two years before returning to their country of origin. . This is not true, not sure from whom you ahve received this information but ican assure you nobody was forced to stay for two years and some when straight back. You say that 8 months is way too early but how can you put a time on anothers assessment. Many ofus can make our minds up within a couple of weeks. You can like a place initially and then the novelty drops away and then other times you can go the other way. We are all different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 This is not true, not sure from whom you ahve received this information but ican assure you nobody was forced to stay for two years and some when straight back. You say that 8 months is way too early but how can you put a time on anothers assessment. Many ofus can make our minds up within a couple of weeks. You can like a place initially and then the novelty drops away and then other times you can go the other way. We are all different. I suspect that the comment that 8 months is too early stems from reading so many contributions on PIO from people who are now very happy in Oz but took a great deal longer than that to settle. Then again some people divorce within a few weeks whereas most people would be a lot more circumspect. Perhaps it comes down to having realistic expectations going into something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ozglenn Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I suspect that the comment that 8 months is too early stems from reading so many contributions on PIO from people who are now very happy in Oz but took a great deal longer than that to settle. Then again some people divorce within a few weeks whereas most people would be a lot more circumspect. Perhaps it comes down to having realistic expectations going into something. Personally i would give it time especially with how expensive it is to emigrate here these days. I often wonder sometimes if the whole emigration thing is worth is at all unless of course people come from a dire place. I think the old Miltiary career that takes you around the world and pays for it all is the way to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3 Piccos Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I am sorry but I omitted to say, you had to stay for two years, unless you wished to repay the government the cost of your fares out there. I know about this because I was a £10 pom. The Australian government were not silly enough to pay for a family's fares out to their country to have them turn around in a matter of a few weeks. They were aware that it takes time to settle in in any new country. I had a friend who was crippled by homesickness and found it hard to get up in the morning. Her husband worked and her three sons were happy in school. She stuck it out and finally came through "the tunnel". She goes back to the UK to see family and old friends every two years, but is so pleased that she did not throw the towel in. If your children and your spouse love their new life, then it is my belief you really have to try longer to settle. I'm not getting in to the UK versus Australia debate because, personally I love both countries and can live in either country. Be careful what you wish for, you could end up in the UK a single mother with all the struggles that that brings and if your children love their life in Australia, you could have resentful children as well. I sincerely hope you find a way to keep your family together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3 Piccos Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 My granddaughter has been in the UK for the last three months and she has told us she has already done what they are doing now. She is well ahead. We live in Melbourne. I am not sure what makes you think Australia is behind. Again, the school the child attends and the teachers come in to the equation Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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