Missing home, struggling to fit in and settle.

[Brummy123]

(First time poster)

Hi, just putting this out there to see if anyone is in the same boat as me.. 

i moved here nearly two years ago to be with my husband who is Australian, I left a fantastic network of friends, great job which I loved and my parents who I’m so very close to being an only child.. I moved here in good faith that this would be a better life for us to bring up children (no kids yet) etc but I really can’t help feeling it isn’t, yes the weather is lovely and all that but I am personally struggling so much to fit in I live in a suburb outside of Sydney and it is very hard to explain this feeling of being a fish out of water and feeling on a completely different wave length to everyone, I work with all girls, a real mix, only one Australian all others have foreign backgrounds.. I haven’t been able to make friends and as a result feel completely lonely and lost.. I’m so disconnected. I just seem to work all the time and sit at home (cook/clean) and repeat. My husband works away quite a bit at the moment and has distanced himself from friends as they weren’t for him anymore (let’s just say they like to party hard- another Eyeopener here is the drug scene!) so we both are struggling to make friends, which he feels guilty about, we’re 27. I am out here completely alone and it’s changing me from a bubbly person into someone who is confused, sad and at times bitter. I don’t have anyone I can talk to or lean on other than him and he is sad his family aren’t there for me too, He of course loves his country and is very patient when I say it’s not for me so far, I do seem to get down an awful lot about even the small things- I miss English food so much, it just isn’t the same here (I’m a real foodie!) and I’m a real girly girl who loves to shop and I have tried so hard but cannot stand the cheap crappy shops here, I even miss how the birds would tweet and chirp on a fresh british morning.

ANYWAY we’re desperate to get our own place and a mortgage as our living situation at the moment is really spiralling me into depression on top of everything else.. am I making the wrong decision getting something as serious/ permanent as a mortgage? Do I move out have our own place and see if this is when my true aussie life begins, or am I someone who is a true home bird and will forever feel England is home? I just feel I’m missing this aussie dream people talk about.. 

So sorry for the long first post I feel I’m just letting it all out in hope for Someone to relate or give advise or something! Thankyou in advance xxxx

[LouDYorkie]

I have made the closest friends through clubs and teams.
Is that something you could try? It doesn’t have to be sport, it could be regularly volunteering for the same group, or going to wine-tasting events-whatever takes your fancy?
When we moved over I was quite content knowing I would spend a good deal of my time alone (I always have been okay with that). I was banking on my OH making some friends through golf and cricket though as they have always needed lots of people around them. It didn’t take long, we now have an awesome group of friends.

[Toots]

3 hours ago, Brummy123 said:

(First time poster)

Hi, just putting this out there to see if anyone is in the same boat as me.. 

i moved here nearly two years ago to be with my husband who is Australian, I left a fantastic network of friends, great job which I loved and my parents who I’m so very close to being an only child.. I moved here in good faith that this would be a better life for us to bring up children (no kids yet) etc but I really can’t help feeling it isn’t, yes the weather is lovely and all that but I am personally struggling so much to fit in I live in a suburb outside of Sydney and it is very hard to explain this feeling of being a fish out of water and feeling on a completely different wave length to everyone, I work with all girls, a real mix, only one Australian all others have foreign backgrounds.. I haven’t been able to make friends and as a result feel completely lonely and lost.. I’m so disconnected. I just seem to work all the time and sit at home (cook/clean) and repeat. My husband works away quite a bit at the moment and has distanced himself from friends as they weren’t for him anymore (let’s just say they like to party hard- another Eyeopener here is the drug scene!) so we both are struggling to make friends, which he feels guilty about, we’re 27. I am out here completely alone and it’s changing me from a bubbly person into someone who is confused, sad and at times bitter. I don’t have anyone I can talk to or lean on other than him and he is sad his family aren’t there for me too, He of course loves his country and is very patient when I say it’s not for me so far, I do seem to get down an awful lot about even the small things- I miss English food so much, it just isn’t the same here (I’m a real foodie!) and I’m a real girly girl who loves to shop and I have tried so hard but cannot stand the cheap crappy shops here, I even miss how the birds would tweet and chirp on a fresh british morning.

ANYWAY we’re desperate to get our own place and a mortgage as our living situation at the moment is really spiralling me into depression on top of everything else.. am I making the wrong decision getting something as serious/ permanent as a mortgage? Do I move out have our own place and see if this is when my true aussie life begins, or am I someone who is a true home bird and will forever feel England is home? I just feel I’m missing this aussie dream people talk about.. 

So sorry for the long first post I feel I’m just letting it all out in hope for Someone to relate or give advise or something! Thankyou in advance xxxx

After reading fairly similar posts on this forum over the years I think you are one of those people who will forever feel England is home.  Nothing wrong with that.  You can't really help how you feel.  There is a regular poster on the forum called Quoll and she will give you wise advice.  She is very understanding.

I have now lived over half my life in Australia and felt at home from the word go but I will always have a love of my home country Scotland.  Over the years I have made good friends here but I still keep in regular touch with my very good friends in the UK.  I made my closest friends at work and also through voluntary work. 

Whereabouts in Australia are you?  

I can't say I miss British food but then I'm not a foodie (vegetarian).  No all shops are cheap and crappy.  I live in Tasmania and I've found some really good quality clothes shops here and I also shop online.

Good luck

x 

[Quoll]

No, sadly you're not alone but my guess is that there is probably nothing you're going to be able to do about it. So many British women have found that even if they've got the best husband in the world and one who is prepared to move on to UK with them that getting a visa for a spouse is nigh on impossible without a good income or lots of savings (if your DH has recent British ancestry then it's all good though and as a couple you could consider trying it in UK)

It'd be a gamble whether a home of your own makes you feel better or whether it becomes a financial millstone around your neck and one which restricts your illusion of freedom even further. For me, the illusion of freedom to live wherever I wanted - Aus or UK - was the single thing that kept me going and when that illusion was shattered I really struggled. My pragmatic head told me for decades that Australia was home but my heart never got with the plan  - ever - and, for me, Britain is "home", Australia is where my house is.

Personally I found that I had lots of acquaintances but very few "call at 3am friends" and after over 30 years could count on the fingers of one hand those who would have the slightest claim to friendship status. I've had loads of "friends" but they were all very transient and rather situationally specific - either the workplace I was in, the interests my kids had etc. And once one of us changed situation friendships sort of fizzled.  The most enduring ones are with people who, like me, are long term expats who would give their eye teeth to return (as I have, quite unexpectedly) and with whom I have worked on disaster recovery situations (very tough situations and lots of emotions flying). 

I really feel for you being an only child - sucks, doesn't it?!!!!!! 

Bottom line - unless your DH would consider a move back to UK and could get a visa to do that, you're stuck. You could move elsewhere in Australia to see if things feel different or, if not and your DH is the man you want to have kids with and grow old beside, you just resign yourself to living the least worst option for the rest of your life and get on with it. Stay off social media so you're not forever scratching the itch of the life you loved that you left and put your head down and your bum up and stiff upper lip and all that. In some ways, it's easier if you know that your DH would struggle to get a visa because then that takes one point of contention off the table and you can reframe to say to yourself that you make the choice to stay with him and that means it has to be in Australia - if the situation is equivocal then it can deteriorate to a point where you begin to resent him for keeping you there when he could move on with you. 

But one thing is really important - don't bring kids into the equation until you've got it all sorted because kids can and do change dynamics and they will tie you to Australia for ever because even if the absolute worst happened and you and your DH split, the Family Court would not let you leave with the kids if your DH said no. And don't underestimate the level of independence and self sufficiency you will need to raise kids in isolation on the other side of the world especially when his family will have better access than yours.  Both are first world countries and neither is inherently better than the other. I've got grandkids in both and they're all doing OK.

Good luck!!!

 

[Brummy123]

Wow, what a reply Thankyou so so much.. wish I had posted on here sooner, your advice means a lot 

yes my husband has a british passport as his mother was born in the uk. He has his own business and recently invested money into it to progress and in the last few months of me realising and being honest that this is really hurting me being away from home it’s made it hard to bring up the conversation of us moving back to the uk because he would have to start all over as the certifications aren’t the same here as they are there, he shuts it down and says he just wants to work hard to give me the life I deserve.. don’t get me wrong he tries to sympathise and is there for me but yeah..

i cringe at the thought of kids right now, I totally agree that bringing kids into the equation isn’t right, right now and I also cannot imagine not having my parents here when I have my first child, they really do want to be close to me/us and we talk everyday but my grandparents are very elderly and my mom won’t leave them understandably.

yes I get what you’re saying making those ‘true friends’ Just does not come natural it’s so sad, I also do find social media does more harm than good seeing all my old friends together having a great time and I’m stuck on the sofa or seeing other girls that have moved here (different states) out every weekend having a blast, it’s just not happening for me..

I just feel stuck!

thankyou so very much again. Xxx

[Guest]

My DH has lived in Australia for thirty plus years and has never quite settled he's in much the same frame of mind as Quoll. We have over the years discussed a move to the UK even got the planning and booking things to go stage at one point however life got in the way and we never got there. We also have a similar situation as Quoll re: friends no one we could call at 3am or anything i'm not sure why though it's just turned out that way. I know my DH would go back in a heartbeat to live in the UK if he could but it's just not an option for us. So we just get on with life and enjoy what we have. You really do need to think hard about whether you feel life here with your husband is a better prospect than life without him in the UK ( if he can't/won't go there with you). Can you see a life without him being an option if no then you may just need to put your big girls pants on and suck it up( i don't meant that at all in a mean or nasty way). Please don't however have children unless you are certain you bare a life in Australia as you will certainly be closing the door on a return to live if the worst happens and you split wiht your husband and he says no to taking the children with you. The courts in Australia very rarely if at all let you take them if the other parent says no. Good luck it's not easy feeling the way you do. 

[Bulya]

It’s only two years, not nearly enough to settle 

[starlight7]

So much depends on luck and who you meet when you emigrate . You need to really get out there and join things- it is my experience that most Aussies will not seek out friendship unless you do that which can be hard of course.  I am an only child, too but I guess there are compensations- you are usually used to going to places by yourself and forming relationships I think! Maybe look at another job if there are no people there that you can form friendships with? The shops here are not as good as the ones in the UK- I think you just have to accept that and buy clothes etc online.  I'd argue about the food though- I think it is much better but maybe Melbourne is different? Whatever you do try not to get too depressed , keep your chin up as they say- you have a job, your health presumably and a good man beside you.

[Quoll]

38 minutes ago, Bulya said:

It’s only two years, not nearly enough to settle 

With all due respect that's utter tosh. Some people can feel settled in 45 minutes, others live there but never feel settled after 45 years. Trapped, perhaps, but "belongingly settled" nope. Trite platitudes don't really help.  

That's not to say that the OP might not learn to live with it in time or she may continue to bang her head against the brick wall in hopes that it will make the headache go away.

 

[Marisawright]

4 hours ago, Bulya said:

It’s only two years, not nearly enough to settle 

Bulya, I'm like you - I prefer Australia.  But I don't agree that it takes two years to decide whether you're going to like it or not.   

Some people have deep roots in their homeland.  Australia could be a paradise and they still wouldn't be happy.  It's just the way they're made.

[Marisawright]

10 hours ago, Brummy123 said:

i moved here nearly two years ago to be with my husband who is Australian, I left a fantastic network of friends, great job which I loved and my parents who I’m so very close to being an only child.. I moved here in good faith that this would be a better life for us to bring up children

The "better life for the children" thing is a complete myth, so don't let that sway you.   If you can afford the true Aussie lifestyle - living fairly close to a beach and able to enjoy the outdoor life - then growing up in Australia can be fabulous (although if you're stuck out in the miserable outskirts of Sydney,  it would be a different story).  I would also say that education in the UK is somewhat better - take a look at some of the "returning to the UK" posts and you'll see.  There's certainly a much greater variety of higher education (university and college courses) and because of the proximity of Europe, more flexible job opportunities. So while kids can have a great time growing up in Australia, they won't necessarily have a better, more successful life. 

I used to live in Sydney and loved it, but I would never, ever, EVER have considered moving to the outer suburbs.  They are too depressing, and I'm not surprised you hate it. Would your oh consider moving to a livelier inner suburb, or perhaps up to the Blue Mountains where you can get fresh mornings and birds singing?   If he resists, point out that you've given up an enormous amount and travelled thousands of kilometres for him, so the least he can do is move a few kilometres himself. 

I would say, do NOT buy a house until you're absolutely positive you want to stay.  Your oh's business is already a tie that he can use as an excuse not to leave. If you buy a place, that will be another tie.  Remember, when  you buy a house, you have to pay stamp duty, conveyancing fees and mortgage application fees on top of the purchase price.   If you decide, a year or two later, that you want to go home, then your oh will have the perfect excuse:  "Oh, but if we sell now, we'll lose money.  Let's just wait until the price goes up enough to cover our costs".   They way the market is going, that could be a long time. 

If he won't talk about things, then please see a counsellor.   Go by yourself at first.    That's important because it's often hard to get through to your partner and make him understand how deep your feelings go.   The fact that you're seeing a counsellor may be enough to make him take it seriously - and if not, then if you can persuade him to attend some counselling sessions, the counsellor can help you get a proper conversation happening instead of him shutting down on you.

Edited June 2, 2019 by Marisawright

[Quoll]

Been thinking about your dilemma on my long Sunday walk and Marissa has already mentioned what would be my first suggestion - counselling can help you both be heard and it will make him realise just how much you are impacted by this.

Pragmatically I think you probably have to get your head around the fact that you are likely to be trapped - a business will do that to you but you still have to feel that you have achieved some sort of compromise in order to live without resentment for the longer term so you might want to work out what your compromise situation might be - for example, you get a trip home every year, you promise to work your socks off to fit in better but at a defined date - say when you have got citizenship - he will seriously consider a move on to UK and work towards getting his business a going concern which could be sold or managed if needed.  Perhaps he could agree to look at getting UK licenses by correspondence or by short term courses so that he is prepared to move should your joint decision be to move onwards.  But it would help if you could think of some things that he would be required to "give" in order to make you feel like you are not the one giving everything.  Compromise is key here.

Meanwhile I would look at maybe volunteering for something that will get you into a wider group of people - first thought maybe Army Reserves (both my sons enjoyed the camaraderie of bootcamp, weirdly), or CFA (dont have to go and fight the fires, they like logistics/communication personnel too)  or maybe Lifeline Counsellor training - acquire skills which might give you wider options in the longer term and also involve training which takes you to situations where trust and personal relationships are key.  If you're sporty then a lot of folk seem to find links in sporting teams - I'm not, and the gym hasn't been a wonderful place for friendships but I love knitting and have found knitting groups have provided a wealth of social connectivity.  There will probably be interest groups you could hook into and meet like minded people.

Rather than buy a house (which, as I said, initially I would avoid like the plague as yet another millstone around your necks) perhaps you could look at renting in another suburb - Marissa has suggested some different options and the BM might be something worth looking at.  He sounds like a great lad though, wanting to do his best by you and that is to be praised but his notion of what is best could be the usual Aussie perception - big house, big car, holidays to Bali - lovely in theory but if your life beyond that is empty and sterile, not really doing what is best for you.  I'm not a great Sydney fan and its suburbs would probably reduce me to wrist slitting territory but there must be pockets of more community oriented places that might float your boat.

When I was at my lowest with full blown exogenous depression I found that Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) worked well for me - doesnt work for everyone but there were some strategies which helped me get over the unhelpful thinking which began to take over my life.  If you feel like you are being overwhelmed, your GP would be your first port of call and you can discuss a mental health plan to get yourself some counselling but don't sit and wallow in what you're feeling so much as seeking out strategies to help you cope with intrusive unhelpful thoughts. 

Even if at the end of the day you choose to stay because that is your least worst option (it was mine - no brainer!!!) you can live with it and make a good life for yourself because you are a strong woman but you have to reframe it into this is the choice you are making rather than this is what you are being forced to do. 

[Brummy123]

I really cannot Thankyou enough for taking time out of your life to write to me giving me the most caring advice, you’re an angel! I really have not any support here and felt like a complete Weirdo whilst everyone is carrying on with their regular,all they have ever known lives! So Thankyou it means a lot and I will definetly take your advice on board, I have considered seeing a doctor as I am fully aware my mental health is not well and hasn’t been for quite some time now, I never had an ounce of anxiety or depression in the uk and now it seems to consume me, I think I’m scared to go because I won’t even know what to say. 

I have never considered counciling I always thought that was what Americans did on the tv but I’m sure I could look into it as i am the first to admit I need some guidance here

when it comes to groups I have tried to do gym groups but like yourself I’m not into the gym and found it quite clicky, stuck it out but nothing came of it, I work full time with not great hours and on my day off I tend to help my OH grandmother with her shopping etc so it’s tough to find time, I have tried to go to meet ups for Brits in Sydney but trouble is they’re all on Fridays and Saturdays when I am at work! 

My husband is wonderful and carry’s a lot of guilty feeling he’s let me down because I’m so unhappy, I think having the discussions you have mentioned will help though as I/ we seem to be in vicious circle! The talk about renting doesn’t go down well as we’ve worked hard to save and sees renting as money down the drain which I agree but it’s not if I’m feeling this way! Thankyou so much again.. x

[Marisawright]

3 minutes ago, Brummy123 said:

The talk about renting doesn’t go down well as we’ve worked hard to save and sees renting as money down the drain which I agree but it’s not if I’m feeling this way! Thankyou so much again.. x

Renting is not money down the drain.   Although Sydney prices have come down a bit, they are extremely  high at the moment, so it's a bad time to buy - in a few years, you could easily have a house that's worth less than you paid for it.   Sydneysiders have a hard time believing that because they're so used to house prices continually soaring, but that's unlikely to happen again for several years. 

[Bulya]

Get out and make it work.  It just won’t happen by sitting around.  I know...

[Brummy123]

2 hours ago, Bulya said:

Get out and make it work.  It just won’t happen by sitting around.  I know...

Sorry I can’t help but thinking you’re rude, I wouldn’t consider this as helpful/supportive advice so please, leave the kind helpful replies to the rest of these lovely people. Thankyou and enjoy your day... 

[Brummy123]

4 hours ago, Marisawright said:

Renting is not money down the drain.   Although Sydney prices have come down a bit, they are extremely  high at the moment, so it's a bad time to buy - in a few years, you could easily have a house that's worth less than you paid for it.   Sydneysiders have a hard time believing that because they're so used to house prices continually soaring, but that's unlikely to happen again for several years. 

Thanks lovely for all your fantastic advice, I have  had a serious conversation with my hubby about all this and after a big emotional chat, I’m going to see a counceler and hopefully we’re going to rent down the south coast and I’m going to change my job (which is good my current one is really bringing me down) 

im grateful for everyone’s input and support it’s helped clear my cloudy head, I think I had just got myself so far gone, all I needed to do was to reach out for advice, so thanks xxx

[Beffers]

On 02/06/2019 at 15:39, Quoll said:

No, sadly you're not alone but my guess is that there is probably nothing you're going to be able to do about it. So many British women have found that even if they've got the best husband in the world and one who is prepared to move on to UK with them that getting a visa for a spouse is nigh on impossible without a good income or lots of savings (if your DH has recent British ancestry then it's all good though and as a couple you could consider trying it in UK)

It'd be a gamble whether a home of your own makes you feel better or whether it becomes a financial millstone around your neck and one which restricts your illusion of freedom even further. For me, the illusion of freedom to live wherever I wanted - Aus or UK - was the single thing that kept me going and when that illusion was shattered I really struggled. My pragmatic head told me for decades that Australia was home but my heart never got with the plan  - ever - and, for me, Britain is "home", Australia is where my house is.

Personally I found that I had lots of acquaintances but very few "call at 3am friends" and after over 30 years could count on the fingers of one hand those who would have the slightest claim to friendship status. I've had loads of "friends" but they were all very transient and rather situationally specific - either the workplace I was in, the interests my kids had etc. And once one of us changed situation friendships sort of fizzled.  The most enduring ones are with people who, like me, are long term expats who would give their eye teeth to return (as I have, quite unexpectedly) and with whom I have worked on disaster recovery situations (very tough situations and lots of emotions flying). 

I really feel for you being an only child - sucks, doesn't it?!!!!!! 

Bottom line - unless your DH would consider a move back to UK and could get a visa to do that, you're stuck. You could move elsewhere in Australia to see if things feel different or, if not and your DH is the man you want to have kids with and grow old beside, you just resign yourself to living the least worst option for the rest of your life and get on with it. Stay off social media so you're not forever scratching the itch of the life you loved that you left and put your head down and your bum up and stiff upper lip and all that. In some ways, it's easier if you know that your DH would struggle to get a visa because then that takes one point of contention off the table and you can reframe to say to yourself that you make the choice to stay with him and that means it has to be in Australia - if the situation is equivocal then it can deteriorate to a point where you begin to resent him for keeping you there when he could move on with you. 

But one thing is really important - don't bring kids into the equation until you've got it all sorted because kids can and do change dynamics and they will tie you to Australia for ever because even if the absolute worst happened and you and your DH split, the Family Court would not let you leave with the kids if your DH said no. And don't underestimate the level of independence and self sufficiency you will need to raise kids in isolation on the other side of the world especially when his family will have better access than yours.  Both are first world countries and neither is inherently better than the other. I've got grandkids in both and they're all doing OK.

Good luck!!!

 

The last paragraph about kids - I cannot stress this enough - I'm in Melbourne and belong to a few mums groups on facebook and some of the UK mums are now stuck in Melbourne as they cannot leave, because their kids habitual residence is classed as Australia.

x

[Beffers]

4 hours ago, Bulya said:

Get out and make it work.  It just won’t happen by sitting around.  I know...

A bit blunt but I do get this.  I arrived two years ago not knowing anybody.  I had to work hard to get myself out there, trying different things to build up a support network, etc.  I've never been homesick in that two years, nor would I ever now move back to the UK, even though I had a fantastic job and all my family are there.  You do have to work hard to build up a network here, it's not going to just fall into your lap.  I think also @Toots is right in that maybe you're just one of those people for whom England is forever home and Australia is just not going to feel like home, no matter what.  I went through two temp jobs until I got a perm job that was right, not only for the sort of work I do, but also in giving me my own professional tribe, which has made an awful lot of difference.  Good luck!

[Wonderingaloud]

I was reading this thread thinking ‘Hague convention, someone mention The Hague convention!’ 

I know it has thankfully been mentioned in some of the above posts but I just wanted to reiterate the importance of this so you don’t get trapped here like many other women before you. 

If you have children you cannot leave the country with them if the father of the children says ‘no’. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances are, a case comes to mind with a poor women suffering horrendous DV and unable to leave the country, had to keep moving around Australia to try and get away from this guy to keep her children safe, but he kept following and tracking her down. 

Another recent poster comes to mind who is stuck up in the northern territory with children, split up from her partner, lives in quite a dangerous area with no family/friends etc and generally hates her life and is trapped here but won’t leave without her kids. 

If you are feeling homesick/isolated etc do not have a child thinking it will help you to settle here. 

I sincerely hope things get better for you, I have been here 7 years and still haven’t really found my ‘tribe’. Like Quoll I have acquaintances and friends but not really anyone I could call at 3 in the morning if there was an emergency or for a friendly ear if things were falling apart.

It’s a shame you are in NSW I would have been happy to meet for a chat/coffee/wine whatever. 

Best of luck to you x

Edited June 3, 2019 by Wonderingaloud

[starlight7]

I agree about the getting out stuff but can see that when you are working full on often the last thing you feel like is to take the plunge- too busy  for one thing. Also hard if you have to work Saturdays  when most are at home.  I'm like you re the renting, somehow things are not quite the same when it isn't your own house and I have always felt that way. We got a house fairly quickly when we came ( within 6 months) and I can't tell you how important that was in helping us feel permanent and settled. I also found that neighbours etc were a lot more friendly and talkative when we became home owners rather than renters.  Human nature perhaps, but true for us.

[Marisawright]

1 hour ago, starlight7 said:

 I also found that neighbours etc were a lot more friendly and talkative when we became home owners rather than renters.  Human nature perhaps, but true for us.

Where are you, Starlight?  One of the things I like about Melbourne (unlike Sydney)  is that people don't talk about property.  I think most of the women I know through U3A own their own homes.  The subject of whether we own our own home simply never arises, so when we buy our own place, I can't see how it would make any difference.

[Bulya]

5 hours ago, Brummy123 said:

Sorry I can’t help but thinking you’re rude, I wouldn’t consider this as helpful/supportive advice so please, leave the kind helpful replies to the rest of these lovely people. Thankyou and enjoy your day... 

It’s the best advice you’ll get.  After more than half a century here I have a bit of an idea what’s required to make it.  Moved four times for a start.  As our idiot PM says, “if you have a go, you’ll get a go”.