How to make my my abusive husband to leave me?

[Shanthsuren]

Sorry for bit long question. How should I leave my husband? I am a 32 yr old asian female. My parents arranged a marriage for me. I married to my husband in 2015. I liked him when I talk to him for the first time. We moved to Australia in mid-2016. I had a beautiful baby boy end of that year. Actually we moved to Australia on my visa. Recently got PR through my employment. My husband was a medical doctor and yet to give his exams to complete registration in Australia. My husband finds it difficult to see me talking or making friends with anyone. He thinks I should be there for him and that should be my purpose of life. I am quite bubbly and friendly person, but I forgot how to make friends now. He hit me few times also. He suspects me had an affair and the baby is from some of my friends who has texted me to see how me and baby are doing?

 I also has to admit that while I was on Maternity leave without pay he worked so hard on casual job to provide for me and baby. I will never forget that as that was the hardest job he has ever done in his life. He does the weekly shopping. He thinks providing me financially should be enough to make me happy. After he suspects me with my male friend texting me or talk to me. Even he pick up fight while listening to me talking to my parents or siblings. He says that I am not pretty enough, yes I have put on weight after baby.  I have decided to leave him. But I wanted to tell him nicely and leave him without any drama. As he has past history of depression when he left his ex-girlfriend due to family issue, I do not want to make him suffer. He wanted to do paternal test and I order home DNA test kit but he refused to do it now. He has male ego. I told him politely one day that as it is not working for us, we should go part. He got angry and he hit me so hard on face and said that he will damage my face and kill the baby and so I will be suffered my entire life and asking I should behave like an Asian girl not to leave husband. As he was in anger, I asked him to forgive to calm him down. I should have called the police, but I don’t want his mother to suffer. He blames me or someone else for his actions all the time.

He loves the baby. His mother is here to look after the baby while I am at work. His parents support his actions and say I have to change in order to keep him and family happy. They have no worries about me and my happiness.

I want to leave him smoothly or make him leave me to satisfy his male ego. I don’t mind either way. If I make police complaint, he will never be able to practice medicine in Australia? Is that true? I do not want to ruin his life and career. Please give me your suggestions of how to make him leave me?

 

It is not so easy for me to call the cops and make drama and ruin his life with domestic violence order. If he can’t find his career here, that will give me guilt forever.

If I even call the cops, should I not give complaint and just leave from him? Is that possible?

I have a permanent job so I should be able to look after the baby without any problems.

I also want to start up a business, which he will never allow me to do if I am with him.

Give me your suggestion of what to do to make him leave me?

Thanks

Edited June 13, 2017 by Shanthsuren

[starlight7]

I was wondering if you could get some help from marriage guidance counsellors or a social worker Shanthsuren- it sounds like you need someone to take your side and back you up. Maybe ask your local GP or local council to refer you to someone?

[Collie]

Hi there,

I'm very sorry for your situation.  It sounds like your partner is controlling and abusive, both physically and emotionally.  You are a victim of Domestic abuse, unfortunately it happens to a lot of people.

You need to get some professional help.  There are many services for abused women. .

This is probably not the best place to ask for that help, have a look at the links below and call their hotline or another similar organisation.  You will get to talk to a trained professional who has dealt with similar cases to yours and will help you with your options.

https://www.whiteribbon.org.au/find-help/domestic-violence-hotlines/

http://au.reachout.com/domestic-violence-support

Good luck & stay safe.

[themaccas]

Please call the police, you are at serious risk of harm. I know you don't want to destroy his life but he is destroying yours. He will NEVER change and his behaviour will get worse. You need to report this, you will be looked after and protected. No woman deserves to be treated like this, you have done nothing wrong. Please get help!


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[bane01]

Sorry to hear of the situation you are in. He is for sure a phyco and has some mental trauma going on but before taking this step i think you need to visit counselor and talk to them about all this. This is very serious case of abuse and women deserves the right to be treated equally.  

[Skani]

The links given by Collie above are very useful.  In addition, every state in Australia has a Women's Legal Service which has much experience in advising women in your situation.  There are many legal, financial, practical and safety issues to consider.  This website below will direct you to the service for your particular state.  I would definitely get advice from these organisations before taking action as this can be a very tricky time...both for the safety of you and your child and your stress levels.  

http://www.wlsa.org.au/members

[VERYSTORMY]

The first and only thing you need to consider is the well being of you and your child.

The fact he has made a threat to harm the child and has physically abused you worries me, as once he has started with violence, it will only escalate. My advice would be to contact the links above and leave immediately and I mean immediately, ideally in the next hour.

[Tulip1]

Same as all the comments above. You must think of you and your child.  You cannot continue living like this and I'm sure you don't want your child living around this, growing up thinking this is normal as it isn't.  Do not worry and think about how this will effect him, do you think he worries about you when he's knocking you about. Actions have consequences and if he cannot practise medicine afterwards it's because he's behaved in an unacceptable way, you haven't. You have every right to reach out to safety, forget his male ego, he certainly doesn't sound very manly to me.  As for his mother supporting his actions, shame on her.  Act today and get out now,  good  luck. 

Edited June 13, 2017 by Tulip1

[Evandale]

It is amazing that even a medical Dr can stoop so low in his abuse and intimidation of you! As others have said, please get help quickly and rest assured that you will be protected. Domestic violence is now taken very seriously thank goodness and be it male or female it is not tolerated.  Your parents in law / husband  should be made aware that Australia takes these issues very seriously!  They are knowingly breaking the law if any harm comes to either you or your baby. Personally Immigration should be informed as there are certain avenues to take against your husband. As Stormy has said  I would make arrangements to leave directly if not for yourself certainly for your child.

https://www.border.gov.au/about/corporate/information/fact-sheets/38domestic

 

https://www.dss.gov.au/family-safety-pack

The latter link is available in a variety of languages

 

Very best wishes and please take care of you and the bubs!

Edited June 13, 2017 by Evandale
link additions

[Guest The Pom Queen]

I am so sorry to hear this. Many years ago I had a severe domestic violence case, I was locked in a bedroom when he went out with no communication and a baby potty if I needed the toilet, he tried to kill me numerous times and our child. I stayed with him because I was scared what he would do if I left. Eventually I got help from the domestic violence unit and they went to court with me to get a DVO with a power of arrest attached if ever he came near me.

Now since then they are a lot stricter with domestic violence cases and take it very seriously. The domestic help groups are there no matter what your culture or religion so can support you through this part as well. I am not sure if you are in NSW but if you are look at this website http://www.domesticviolence.nsw.gov.au/home

If you need emergency housing read here

If you need emergency accommodation in NSW because of domestic and family violence, contact the 24hr Domestic Violence Line on 1800 65 64 63. They can refer you to services in your area.

You can also call Link2home on 1800 152 152. Link2home is a state-wide information and referral service and they can refer you to Specialist Homelessness Services that support women and children who are escaping domestic and family violence support services.

 

It is hard to get out and you feel guilty, but that's what they want you to feel, they make you feel ugly and that nobody would ever want you, they make you feel it is your fault. IGNORE this, this is there way of controlling you. Also remember domestic violence isn't just physical but it can be emotional as well.

If you need to chat message me, if you need to get out quickly message me. But please do not stay there any longer. Mine was many years ago and he still hunts me and tracks me down, he sends my family threats on FB that he will kill me etc. I have to say even though I've been happily married for nearly 18 years now to a wonderful man my ex still haunts me and I start crying thinking about what he did to me and our baby.

[Guest The Pom Queen]

2 hours ago, Evandale said:

It is amazing that even a medical Dr can stoop so low in his abuse and intimidation of you!

There was a lady going through the same thing back in the UK when I was, her abusive husband was the chief of police. No one believed her, he kept getting her admitted to the psychiatric ward saying she was losing it or hitting herself, falling etc. Domestic Violence actually helped her get proof to catch the bugger but I'm sure he never got charged but they got her out of there.

Its funny because I seem to have a good eye for spotting DV relationships now.

[starlight7]

When I was working it was amazing the number of police who were involved as perpetrators of domestic violence.  The really scary thing was their ability to trace and stalk the victims when they went into refuges. Hopefully things are better now- I am talking about the 1990s- about 2000.

[LouDYorkie]

Please don't wait for him to leave you, and I would seriously take the very next opportunity that you are safe and alone with your baby for you to quickly (and I mean quickly) grab a few things and leave. This is not normal and that behaviour is not okay, not even if it is a one-off. Please think about your safety and that of your baby. If your husband needs counselling after you have left, he and his mother can arrange that.

[Quoll]

I'm with all the others - leave! Domestic abuse is NOT OK. You need to care for your safety and your child's safety not his potential career! You've got some good contact details above - please use them! 

[Loki Grundy]

Deciding to leave a violent relationship is a difficult decision and requires careful planning and support. Everyone has the right to respectful, loving relationships and no one should live in fear.

1. Find supportive friends - talk to someone you trust. Do not try to cope alone.
    
2. Contact a support group - they can offer you direct help through shared experiences.
    
3. Make a safety plan - include emergency numbers, pack clothing/toiletries, important documents, medication etc in case you have to escape quickly.
    
4. Contact the police - when you decide to leave – the police can be on standby when you leave to ensure your safety or if you need to return to collect possessions later on.
    
5. See a doctor - if you are feeling anxious or depressed. Consider talking to a counsellor/psychologist about how the experience has affected you.
    
6. Recognise your strengths - to create a more positive life. Your skills and abilities helped you leave an abusive relationship and are signs of your capability under intense pressure.

[CaptainR]

Do not feel guilty about the possible repercussions on his career, the rules are in place for a reason and if he is a danger to you than he could also pose a danger to his patients in one form or another. The Australian Medical Council would make a balanced decision in relation to his career based upon the facts and the perceived risks. Ultimately he would be responsible for his own demise through his actions. You feeling guilty like this is yet another form of domestic violence by your controlling husband. 

Also, him saying you are not pretty enough is another form of domestic violence by attempting to destroy your confidence. I am sure you are a beautiful and amazing person, having a little weight after having a child is perfectly normal and is merely proof of being a beautiful mother. 

Some websites here that may help you. Do remember to clear your internet browsing history to prevent your Husband seeing all of this. 

https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/topics/domestic-family-violence

https://au.reachout.com/articles/domestic-violence-support

https://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/subjects/family-and-domestic-violence

http://www.domesticviolence.nsw.gov.au

http://www.domesticviolence.com.au

 

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence of any kind, call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) for professional counselling and advice 24-hours a day, seven days a week.

[LouDYorkie]

The OP doesn't appear to have replied to anything on here...hoping they are okay!

[ssiri]

All the advise that had been provided, for sure. Don't delay or wait till he, his family or friends try to bully you into staying. Also as a web forum can't appropriate steps be taken to inform relevant parties?


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[louise7981]

Just another point - Please be sure to delete your internet history after posting on forums and checking out information on domestic violence. Stay safe. If you use google chrome you can switch to "incognito mode" to browse privately. Most other computer softwares have a private browsing mode - you will find on google - just be sure to delete your search history and browser history after looking this up.


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[timmybuddha]

This is a  v sad post  i am v v sorry to read this.

If i were you i would find out about the ruining his career part if a complaint is made...thats very admirable of u .lots of women actually do that for no reason through vindictiveness when there was never actually anything of the sort ..happened to me once. She also did it to another chap a year later. Probably more too! .in reality she was the alchoholic and bully

however if he had any sense or emotions he would realise what is happening is wrong

 

Goodluck .i really meanthat. Sounds like a shiyt terrible situation and i hope you found your way out of it.

congrats for PR on your own xx

Edited August 15, 2017 by timmybuddha

[Stella Ravens]

Very sad to read this post and what you are suffering. No woman deserves to be treated that way, neither the men.

After all, you are the kindest person, you have devoted your your life to your husband. Darling, you should stand up for yourself and let people give your husband a lesson. 

[starlight7]

Hope the OP is ok- no word from them since June.