paddymacs Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 For the past 25 years all I have ever dreamed about was living in Oz. I had lived there for a few years as a teenager and it was always in my system! Last year we got granted a PR visa and we validated a few weeks ago. We had an amazing recckie in Perth doing all the touristy things and catching up with friends from school and a few Irish friends too. Interviews very promising and we feel we could do well out there (we have had a few tough years here but doing very well last 12 months so its not that we have to go its a choice) We decided that this was what we wanted to do both DH & I love the sunshine and love outdoor activities especially the beach so we thought lets do it. DH is 41 & Im nearly 40. We also feel it would be a great life for the children although that is really important it can't be our reason for going because in my opinion the children are happy and will be happy once they are with us. Anyway I'm still avoiding why I'm posting. We don't plan on making the move till early next year but now that its a real talking point I'm getting cold feet. My parents are both in their 70's and I am very close to them. I have two brothers but I'm the one that is always there for them. They are both quite young and travel in Europe alot but I'm having terrible feelings of guilt leaving them and taking their 3 grandchildren away from them and then the stuff comes into my head what happens when one dies. (I also realise I could be gone before them) I'd always said they could count on me that I'd be there and that they could move in with us. Both of them are Great together and quite independent but when on their own one always is with us ( mum was away with a friend and dad moved in with us for the week and earlier in the year dad was in hospital and I moved in with mum) Anyway its just feeling like a big mess at the minute and while my DH is very supportive and says if you can't do it we don't have to I really want to do & so does he but feeling very selfish if I do (for my parents) & selfish if I don't (for DH & my family) I have read a few other posts on this subject so sorry if I'm repeating what others have said but just need to vent and you guys are always so good with sharing your feelings and advise. I just am so confused, stressed and feeling sick because its all I am thinking about. I'm finding it so hard to make a decision don't want to be saying in 20 years why did we not do it!? Our visa is also valid till 2018 but i feel longer we leave it less chance we will do it. Thanks for reading Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tuosist Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Hi PaddyMacs. I understand where you are at and feeling 'cold feet'. No one can make the decision for you as only you know your family circumstances. The first 12 months abroad is hard work in my opinion on many fronts. One option is to not sell everything; rent your house, stick things in storage, organise a sabbatical from work, travel light and just plan to work and live abroad for a defined period such as 12 months or 24 months. Treat it like families who sail around the world for a year or two and live abroad, a grown up working holiday. An enrichment experience. If you love it down the track rethink your plans. If your parents are up for it, they could come and join in as well for a period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Hi - we were in almost the same situation as you ten years ago. We had the only grandchildren on both sides, I was (am) very close to my parents, saw them a couple of times a week at least, had great holidays in Europe, a lovely house....but I hankered after better weather and because I had an Aussie passport, Australia was an option. When it happened, it was all very fast: from deciding to do it, to selling our house and moving here lock stock and barrow took about eight weeks. My parents are now both over 80 - have visited every year and spent about a month with us here. I still feel bad about bringing the kids away from their grandparents, and still daren't think about how we'll cope when something happens to one or both of them. I can't tell you it will be fine. We've been here ten years though and we have spent a lot of quality time with my parents and inlaws when they visit - probably far more than we ever did whilst living in the same country. The perfect situation would be if they came out here for half a year, and spend the other half in Britain (where I have a brother and sister) - is that a possibility with your folks? Otherwise why not rent your place out in the UK and decide to give it five years or something. Show your kids there is a whole world out there. Have your parents to visit, or visit them as often as you can, and stay in close touch with phone, skype, letters and emails. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kapri Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Hi Paddymacs. It's hard leaving elderly parents, particularly if you're close to them. The weeks before I left the UK were hard. I was so upset at saying goodbye. But now I'm here, life goes on and I've adapted. At least your parents won't be alone. They have each other and your brothers. They will miss you, but they won't be alone. You won't know until you try whether or not you can cope with leaving them. But I think it is important to try - or you'll always wonder, "what if" My mum had a heart attack earlier this year. I took three weeks off work, booked a flight to the UK and off I went. It makes things more difficult (and expensive) but not impossible. I don't regret doing it and now will always keep money aside to get back in an emergency. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Don't overthink it paddy- worry doesn't do anything except make you sick in the end. Try it. After a year and if you don't settle- go back and at least you will know and have had a break. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tina0101 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 It's a horrid dilemma, but surely your parents would hate it if they knew you stayed for them? You've got to be selfish and think of your immediate family unit. I had to do this - from the day we told my mum we were leaving to the day we left a year later, we only had 3 conversations about us leaving as she refused to discuss it! You will always be able to find excuses not to go, but then you will look back and rue a chance missed. Good luck. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I would say don't go unless you have enough in the bank to move back should you want to (& leave it there to allow for future possibilities). I moved out when my parents were in their late '70s - an only child, taking their only grandchild. Saying goodbye was awful but I was doing what I thought was best for my family and they were 100% supportive (hard for them not to be as they had migrated themselves when I was one in the days without telephones let alone Skype!) Five years on and things didn't quite look the same - my dad's health in particular had deteriorated and being able to visit and have a holiday together was no longer plausible. Spending the best part of $10k to visit Middlesbrough and sit around in their house (or go out and feel guilty since we rarely saw them) was quite frankly depressing. In the end it made more sense for our quality of life to move back and spend the money on holidays to Australia if that's what we wanted! There were lots of reasons we moved back and that was only a minor one tbh but do think 5 years, 10 years forward - how they are now is not how they will always be. They may well be able to travel to Australia now (my parents were already beyond that when we moved) but not forever - how often would you be able to see them? Would you be happy with that? And is that how you want to spend your holidays for maybe the next 20 years? We moved back July last year - my dad was taken into hospital in December and was in over Christmas - I can't imagine how awful that would have been if I had been in Australia. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 There are no easy answers tbh!I suppose if you did'nt go,obviously your parents won't be around forever,and by the time they pass away,you'll probably be too old yourself!My Mum was 83 when she died (In Adelaide,I'm in the UK)and tbh the last couple of years were pretty tough on me.(Not to mention my Mum).She had ongoing health issues,which I sort of accepted,but when her hearing went,the phone calls became very difficult as Mum would'nt wear her hearing aid!I moved back to the UK 12 yrs ago,and yes missed my Mum alot.I'm not going to lie to you hon,everytime I went back to Adelaide and had to say goodbye to her,and my siblings,so so difficult to get back on that flight to the UK. Don't live your life thinking "What if"Please don't!Thats such a waste of time and energy.Make a decision,on the feelings/knowledge you have right now and stick with that!You may regret either decision further down the track,but don't.Remember,nothing is ever a mistake on making decisions.Best of luck hon,its a tough one that really only you know the answer to!xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pumpkin Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 What a tough one. It was something I didn't have to face as my parents were already deceased and in any case not particularly close to them. I always think that these factors made me a good migrant, being very independent and not having particular ties that is. As someone who would love to have a close family but doesn't, I sometimes think that people who do have one do not know how lucky they are and it is seriously under rated. Or perhaps I am being romantic there. Interested in what your parents think of you moving? Are they supportive, planning trips out etc? I really like what Melza said about dwelling on "what ifs". It is a cliché that is trotted out quite a lot, but I think Melza is right, make your decision and move forward. Don't let yourself waste time on what ifs. It is pointless, you could not move and think "what if" equally you could move and think "what if". Neither very constructive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 To put another perspective on this, as possibly one of the older posters, sadly only 2 weeks away from the next decade! Plus husband older, there is no way I would want our children to put their lives on hold because we are getting older, or because of what might happen. Honestly if it's what you want to do go for it, but if you are too worried about it, and it's more than last minute nerves, then perhaps it's not meant to be. one of the hardest things about emigrating or even just working abroad is coping with parents whose health is failing, we have had to cope with this, so do understand. It is something that you somehow have to come to terms with, and cope as well as you can, there are no easy answers, it's an individual decision, whether you stay put, or emigrate and probably have some some tough things to cope with. good luck with whatever you decide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 How selfish and self sufficient can you be? And I don't mean selfish in a pejorative sense! Leaving olds is easy enough while they are relatively young but once they can't travel and their health starts failing it gets bloody hard. At least you have siblings, that's one bonus. If you can afford to do it, take a career break, hang on to your house etc and be prepared to up sticks if they need you and build up finances to allow yourself the freedom to move on to support them if that's what you need to do. I'm firmly in the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" camp of thinking and I reckon "what ifs" are a supreme waste of time and energy. If what you have on offer with a move is a better option than what you have now, then go. If it isn't, then stay - you can only make decisions based on the information you have available to you today but be prepared to make new decisions when circumstances change and you get new information! We came to UK 3 yrs ago on holiday and the wheels fell off my parental wagon (only child:-() so we stayed and though it isn't easy sharing a small house with a bitter demented 90yr old mum I wouldn't do it any other way. They've both had 3 happy extra years living in their own home which they wouldn't have had had we not stayed when we did. I will say, though, that they never expected it of us, we offered and they gratefully accepted. Could I have buggered off back to Aus and left them to their own devices? I suppose so but even I don't have quite the selfishness to do that even though I did take their only grandkids away from them initially. What I'm saying, I guess, is that if this is an opportunity not to be missed (better job, better prospects, better finances etc) then take it but be prepared to move "back" should the need arise and don't feel guilty if something unexpected happens to one or other when you are away. Otherwise, stay and enjoy the good life you've got already - Aus is just another first world country with all that entails. Good luck with your decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 The Australia of 25 years ago - when I arrived here - is very, very different from Australia now. It's much more expensive (especially housing) and it's far more difficult to get a decent job. Besides, I always worry when people say coming to Australia is "a dream". It's not a dream paradise, it's an ordinary country where you'll end up doing exactly what you used to do at home! Some people even find they're worse off financially, not better. Yes you can have weekends at the beach but will you be able to enjoy it all without your family? I know you've holidayed here recently, but on holiday you do holiday things, and it's not the same when you actually live here. Do you (or your parents) have enough money for regular visits - either them to Australia, or your family to the UK? Remember how expensive air fares are to and from Oz before you decide! Also, remember that by the time you get settled and get jobs, you'll have spent at least $50,000 of your savings, so that may impact how soon you can afford trips home. How will you feel if you can't see family for two or three years at a time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 In your situation I would probably still make the move given it's a long-held dream and something you and your DH both want (even though we are about to move back to the UK after 11 years in Australia mostly due to parental ill health and enabling them to spend time with their grandchildren!) BUT I would add the cautionary note (as Marisa did above) that flights from Australia to the UK are expensive and many families - us included - simply cannot afford to do that every year or even every two years. As Lady Raincorn mentioned, even if you could, spending every holiday back in your home town can get a little dull, no matter how lovely it is to see your parents. A move back is expensive too, it's costing us around $25k and we are doing it very cheaply. If you feel you can be happily apart from your parents for two to three years (as we can, no shame there) then you'll probably settle well. We've been through various illnesses with our parents - one where we rushed back and the others suffered while waiting for updates and worrying we might never see them again. It's a horrible feeling, I can't pretend otherwise but it just has to be endured. It sounds like there is a good chance you won't face that kind of thing for some years yet with your folks both in great health and able to travel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest littlesarah Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 It's a tough one, and I shared (still share) those sort of concerns (though I have a sister who lives closer to my folks than I did & is quite willing to do whatever needs doing). My parents will never visit us here, and I always knew that. But I decided that I had to live my life for myself, which I know is completely selfish. But I agree with Quoll that you need to be able to be selfish to just up and leave your family. I really do miss them, and I worry about the future, but I feel that I have a better life here than I did in the UK, even though I was happy there and had a great life. (I think though that I'm one of those people that is able to be happy almost anywhere.) There's no way to predict the future, and whatever you decide there will be consequences in terms of how you feel down the line. But all any of us can do is make a decision based on the information we have to hand right now. Good luck with what I know is a hard choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToowoombaBlue Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 When we moved to Australia in June 2014, my mother was ill, although she had been ill for many years, but after only 10 weeks here I got the dreaded call to say she was seriously ill in hospital and was unlikely to recover. I booked the next available flight with Cathay Pacific and left Brisbane the day after receiving the news. I arrived in the UK 23 hours later and was by her bed an hour after landing; I was able to spend the next three days with her until she passed. Due to circumstances in Australia, I couldn't stay for the funeral but I know it was well represented by other family members. It was dreadfully sad, but I still feel I have made the right decision coming here and I know my mother would feel exactly the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddymacs Posted October 17, 2014 Author Share Posted October 17, 2014 A sincere thank you to each and every one of you that commented here. At the end of the day I'm the only one who can decide and I know that but it was lovely to know and feel that others are or were in same position. I'm still not 100% sure yet but about 80% there and we are talking and looking at a move about August next year. I still have a little more research to do to make sure it is the best move for us and i still have to have a proper chat with my mum :-( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 an older thread i know but wondering if you ever decided to head..so many similar issues with me too..its so hard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 We were a similar age when we moved here, my brother was already out of the picture and I felt guilty about making the move and leaving my dad. My dad and I had a really good talk, in which he really was the deciding factor - telling me that I couldn't live my life on what if's, My dad had (when younger) got the opportunity to work in Rhodesia (as was), my mother wouldn't leave her mum and the opportunity never arose again for my dad to live and work abroad ... his regret was one of the things that allowed him to urge us to seek and experience those opportunities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddymacs Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 an older thread i know but wondering if you ever decided to head..so many similar issues with me too..its so hard! Murta still here!!! We hope to book flights by end of the month or early next month for a move end of September. I am still feeling incredibly guilty but we have to do it. It's in our system and we just have to try it. We will rent our house here so if it doesn't work out for whatever reason we can come home. I haven't gone into huge detail with when exactly we are going but slowly slowly having little chats. Easter Sunday may well be the day for specifics ;-) I see you are also in Ireland :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Murta still here!!! We hope to book flights by end of the month or early next month for a move end of September. I am still feeling incredibly guilty but we have to do it. It's in our system and we just have to try it. We will rent our house here so if it doesn't work out for whatever reason we can come home. I haven't gone into huge detail with when exactly we are going but slowly slowly having little chats. Easter Sunday may well be the day for specifics ;-) I see you are also in Ireland :-) YEs Paddymac I am up north on the border . Well good luck with the easter sunday chats... god knows how many "easter sunday chats" I have attempted and aborted!! think thats the way to go to book and sike yourself up for the move date and the chats will come...if you don't have a plan I feel the , bless them feel they have the right to convince us otherwise. Where you from yourself..where you heading.. we are for sydney. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benthomas010 Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 We are going through the same thing right now. It's tough... and I know how much I'm hurting my mum which I hate, but if I never do this... if I never give it a chance I will regret it for the rest of my life. I don't mind regretting things I HAVE done, that I HAVE tried... but I don't want to live a life of regrets of things we HAVEN'T tried. I just wish there would be some support.. some positivity, but it's just very very negative. So.. we don't talk about it. We act like life is normal and nothing is happening. We go in September.. that isn't long away at all. It's good in a way to see that others have the same trouble... I'm not alone for sure. But.. It just puts a downer on the whole thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 We are going through the same thing right now. It's tough... and I know how much I'm hurting my mum which I hate, but if I never do this... if I never give it a chance I will regret it for the rest of my life. I don't mind regretting things I HAVE done, that I HAVE tried... but I don't want to live a life of regrets of things we HAVEN'T tried. I just wish there would be some support.. some positivity, but it's just very very negative. So.. we don't talk about it. We act like life is normal and nothing is happening. We go in September.. that isn't long away at all. It's good in a way to see that others have the same trouble... I'm not alone for sure. But.. It just puts a downer on the whole thing. Ah bless it is an awful situation to be in. But at least u r functioning around each other and not fell out. Good luck it is heartbreaking I know! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jensif Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 Just been reading through this thread..I'm in a similar situation with my parents so can empathise! My mum is in her late 60's and Dad early 70's. Both are in good health but Mum has had cancer in the past and Dad starting to look old now. I also have two brothers - one who rarely sees my folks and one who sees them most weeks and doesn't live too far away. I have a defacto visa to go and live with my Australian boyfriend. I've delayed moving out there because of the guilt and if I don't go now will lose him. Mum has only recently been more positive about the move (she used to just cry if I mentioned it) but she still doesn't want me to leave so I know how you feel, Benthomas010! I have no ties here now so know I should just give it a go but it's hard making that final commitment. My boyfriend cares for his Mum, which is why he cannot move here at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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