Bereftmum Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 As I write this my heart is breaking as my dear son is moving to Australia in August. I would not stop him going but am struggling to know how to deal with the feelings I have - it feels like a bereavement. I don't have much money so visiting will not be possible. It feels like he is just walking away from my life. My friends will soon be fed up with me continually bursting into tears as I hear stories of THEIR offspring getting married and having babies and all not too far away. Yes I'm feeling sorry for myself but want to know how I can feel better and therefore not be such a drudge to my son. Any other mums out there been through it and therefore with wise words of advice? Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Counting Stars Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I really feel for you. You obviously love your son very much. Have you got other family around you as well or any other children? Is he going to be coming back to visit (something to focus on?) Are you on Skype etc? Although it's not the same as being in person it is a wonderful tool to keep in touch Xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 (((Hugs))) you just have to let them go I'm afraid and be proud that you've done a great job as a mum to raise an independent young man! With technology the way it is now, there is no reason why keeping in touch should be difficult. Sure it will be hard when you see him have his own life and his family but hopefully he will come back for visits! I've had one on the other side of the world for over a decade now and you do get used to it. I haven't seen the grand kids for over 2 yrs except on Skype which I don't much like. I may get to visit them but with elderly parents to care for it's not looking likely and DH gets first dibs on trips back to Aus. I'd say fill your life with things you want to do for you! Write yourself a little bucket list of experiences you want to achieve, maybe get a job so you can save up for a trip, volunteer for something so you can make new connections and get a new sense of self worth that isn't wrapped up in your role as mum. The next years are all about you! Whatever you do NEVER play the guilt card, that will just drive him further faster! Easy to say but harder to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tappers2oz Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Hi and welcome to pio. No advice I'm afraid but what a wonderful person you are to put your own feelings to one side and support your son. I'm sure he is very thankful that you are supportive on the outside (even though you are gutted on the inside.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) Nothing is forever necessarily and life is fluid with lots of twists and turns. He may come back, he may pay for you to visit ( which my Husband does for his Mum) . You're right though it is as bit like a bereavement, I know when my Daughter emigrated I thought my heart would break but I managed to work through it and waved her off with a smile, it took me a long time to stop crying but eventually I did. I'm not going to pretend its going to be easy but there are ways and means to get through. Good luck my lovely :hug: Edited January 4, 2014 by Que Sera, Sera Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest hoffer Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Having just said goodbye to my mum this made me cry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Really feel for you hon!Some nice replies too.Whatever you're going through right now,whatever you're feeling,is always temporary ok?Feel it for what it is,and don't stop yourself from crying,trying to put on a brave face,because that just won't work,and you're only delaying your true feelings.If your son settles there (Sorry I don't know how old you are)is there any possibility you could also join them later?Have you got your own siblings here?What about other kids?Yes there is Skype and what not,but although they're good,nothing beats actually being with that person,in person.If it makes you feel any better,in amongst the excitment your son is feeling about moving,he is probably also feeling sad too about leaving you.Its not easy and there is no point in pretending it is.All the best hon and if you need more chats?We're here for yah!:cute: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Hi hon, welcome to the club. I can only echo previous replies. My only child emigrated in 2004 and I thought I was never going to stop crying after she left. I have managed some quite serene goodbyes recently, smiling and leaving quickly in an appropriately adult fashion, but other farewells have involved a lot of tears. I think it's important to be supportive of your son, but also to allow yourself time to grieve - it is a massive thing to accept and you have a right to feel sad! On the plus side, this site is a life saver - it was a revelation to me when I found all these people in the same boat as I am - and as you have already seen from the replies above, it's a very supportive community. I'm in the same boat as Quoll, with an elderly parent to support - otherwise my husband and I would be trying to get ourselves out there to live. Don't dismiss the idea of visiting out of hand - as someone suggested, maybe when he is settled, your son will help with the costs - but in the meantime, Skype is good, as is facebook. I find texting is really good too - I often send a text on a whim and its great to get an almost instant reply. The technological possibilities increase constantly - when our daughter went out there was no Skype - now we have face time and other phone apps that enable us to chat from just about anywhere. It's not what you want. It gets easier but its never easy... BUT... it isn't the end of the world, really it isn't. Big hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbkitty Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 As I write this my heart is breaking as my dear son is moving to Australia in August. I would not stop him going but am struggling to know how to deal with the feelings I have - it feels like a bereavement. I don't have much money so visiting will not be possible. It feels like he is just walking away from my life. My friends will soon be fed up with me continually bursting into tears as I hear stories of THEIR offspring getting married and having babies and all not too far away. Yes I'm feeling sorry for myself but want to know how I can feel better and therefore not be such a drudge to my son. Any other mums out there been through it and therefore with wise words of advice? Thanks Bless you! My mum has experienced the same but has 'lost' her two daughters to Australia. I didn't think she would ever visit but she is currently here on her third trip in three years! My parents don't have much money either but we help them out and in the future will do more and more plus make more frequent trips home. I'm now pregnant with my first and I will say feelings change and I haven't ruled out going back one day. I agree with technology now, contact is easy. I hate Skype but have a great mobile package and call/text home just like I did when living in the UK. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incata Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I am a daughter in-law so have not experienced this with my two being very young. However, my in-laws have more chats with the children now, than they ever did when we lived in the UK, and it is not so much that the children have grown older, it is that we make more of an effort to call them on skype two or three times a week. My 4 year old even calls his Gran on skype to complain about being told off by us or to complain about his brother (so Gran gets to referee!). There is also, from my side, a large measure of guilt for moving away from them, so I make an extra effort to gather everyone round the computer and call my in-laws regularly. It may sound strange, but we are actually closer to my husband's parents now than when we moved over and we talk to them a whole lot more. I've even asked my mother in law for advice. Admittedly she nearly passed out from shock, but we are now more like mother and daughter. Do get skype if you have not got it. It won't take the pain away, but it might help in the early days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I think with our children its hard as we want what is best for them, we have our own ideas of what's best and sometimes it means we have to let them go and stand on their own two feet. I'm having problems with my middle son at the moment and he has left home, although thankfully he is close by, however, he may as well be over seas as I don't see him unless he wants something. As someone else has said you have to be proud of the son you have raised, now let him go and spread his wings. You will always be his mum, he will always love you and you him and if things don't work out I'm sure you will be the first he turns to. Lots and lots of hugs :hug: its hard letting go I've found this out over the last few months and to be honest I don't think I ever will. Do you think he would pay half towards the air fare for you? :hug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linday Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Maybe you could try to focus on saving up for a visit? I don't know if you are working, but you can get a visitor visa of up to 12 months at a time. If you like Australia and you pass the balance of family test, after 2 years your son could sponsor you for a parent visa - there are various options. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 It is hard for you just now and you need to take care of yourself and find lots of interests and 'me' things. When we left I found I did get closer to various relatives- we 'cut to the chase' so to speak and discussed important things which we would never have done so much face to face. At one time or another my children have disappeared over to the UK for a year or two (at the time I didn't know when they would return though one by one they did)-it is upsetting especially birthdays, Christmas etc- but you do get used to it all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bereftmum Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Having just said goodbye to my mum this made me cry. I am so thankful to all who replied to me. I was feeling like I was the only person in the world to go through this but I see there are lots of you and most importantly, you have all survived! I am still very scared of the feelings I have to go through before I can accept this. To start with I have to get to August when he leaves and every day nearer to August feels like a bell tolling. Then once he has gone I have to get used to his absence. This seems to be overwhelming and all I can see ahead is a year full of pain. As for the "guilt trip" - I hope I never make my son feel guilty because of my feelings, but isn't it important to be true to my feelings or do you have to shut them away and only cry when alone? Is it wrong for him to see that I'm upset? As you can see, I haven't really worked out how to handle this and really don't know how to deal with how I feel. The last two nights I have woken in the night crying and got into quite a state last night when whichever way I looked at the situation I couldn't see how I was going to cope. I do have 2 other children here which is a blessing, but I shan't miss the emigrant son any less because of them. They each have a place in my heart and my heart feels like it's breaking right now. I'm still not sure how to use this forum - I have never used one before so I hope I don't lose this thread and all your replies. Thank you all for your help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LojaChica Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Bless your heart AND well done YOU for having the courage to post..............PIO will be here for you rest assured YES it will be difficult BUT you learn to adapt...............it's hard.........but you do This is not about me but I'll tell you my story I have 4 girls........one in Perth Australia........one in the NW of UK............one in the SE of UK and one here with me in Spain........ Lots of good wishes I am sending to you Keep us posted Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
valentinaAU Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) (Hug). I'm a daughter, and i'm so so sorry for my mother, because she fells like you. It's hard for me, but now i have to think about my life and my children. My love for her it's the same, near or overseas... Inviato dal mio ST25i con Tapatalk 2 Edited January 5, 2014 by valentinaAU Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incata Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) I am so thankful to all who replied to me. I was feeling like I was the only person in the world to go through this but I see there are lots of you and most importantly, you have all survived! I am still very scared of the feelings I have to go through before I can accept this. To start with I have to get to August when he leaves and every day nearer to August feels like a bell tolling. Then once he has gone I have to get used to his absence. This seems to be overwhelming and all I can see ahead is a year full of pain. As for the "guilt trip" - I hope I never make my son feel guilty because of my feelings, but isn't it important to be true to my feelings or do you have to shut them away and only cry when alone? Is it wrong for him to see that I'm upset? As you can see, I haven't really worked out how to handle this and really don't know how to deal with how I feel. The last two nights I have woken in the night crying and got into quite a state last night when whichever way I looked at the situation I couldn't see how I was going to cope. I do have 2 other children here which is a blessing, but I shan't miss the emigrant son any less because of them. They each have a place in my heart and my heart feels like it's breaking right now. I'm still not sure how to use this forum - I have never used one before so I hope I don't lose this thread and all your replies. Thank you all for your help. BM, my mother in law never made me feel guilty. That was purely down to me as I felt sad that she was losing out on seeing our kids grow up. We did the best we could for us and the children, but unfortunately it was not the best thing for her. However, when she was our age with young children, she did something similar and I think she understood that while you are trying to make the best life you can, you cannot make it perfect, you just do your best and get on with it. She is very excited about coming out to see us in a couple of months and will be staying for 3 - 4 months, which will be really nice. I would suggest you try and keep your feelings to yourself and support your son. Cry when you are on your own and smile and be supportive to his face. Otherwise you risk a rift. We had a rift with my in-laws when we came out here (now resolved) as my mother in law kept telling my eldest she would never see him again, which upset him dreadfully, which in turn made us very annoyed. My son refused to speak to her on the phone for a couple of months and eventually we had to quietly tell her that it was her behaviour that had caused it. Next time she called we made my son listen to what she had to say (we held him on my lap with the phone to his ear so she could apologise and reassure him that she would see him again) and after that things got better. As I said, we are now more close than we were when we left. If you search for other threads on here, you will see the effect that parents can have on their children who are emigrating, and it rarely ends well for the parent being left behind. Your son has to do what is best for him and if you are supportive he will turn to you. If you aren't, he will turn away from you. It also means that once he is out here, if it does not turn out the way he hopes (as it did not for me), he will be able to talk to you about it, which will mean you will stay close. If he is worried about upsetting you I can guarantee you will be the last person he talks to about anything, whether it be the highs, or the lows, of moving and living abroad. I am sorry to be blunt but yes you do need to keep your feelings to yourself and cry when you are on your own, if you value your relationship with your son and want it to stay strong. He is excited about his new adventure and if you don't support him and encourage him, it will be even worse for you in the long run. He will be fully aware that you are upset (as all children who leave their parents are), but if you can overcome your feelings and be there for him, he will be ever so grateful and it will bring you a whole lot closer. He has to live his life and follow his heart, no matter where that may take him. Sometimes it takes leaving a country to realise how much you had in the first place, and some people need to leave properly and go half way around the world, in order to be able to come home. Chin up! Edited January 6, 2014 by Incata Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Excellent post Incata! It's a very fine line between showing your feelings (the odd tear when you say goodbye is perfectly normal IMHO) and playing the guilt card "I'll never see you again", "I'll never be able to take MY grandkids for a walk", "this is the last time we will ever XXX". But, yes, basically you do have to suck it up in private and if it gets too overwhelming may I suggest counselling? There are ways of managing the intrusive thinking so that you move through your grief - it is like a bereavement really but you always have the hope of a reconnection at some stage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) Although I agree that its important to be supportive, and wouldnt go in for the "I'll never see you again" routine, I cried goodbye every time for the first few years - and so did my daughter. It didnt cause a rift, just made us agree not to accompany each other to the airport. I know what people mean when they say 'don't play the guilt card' but there's a world of difference between being upset at saying goodbye and trying to make someone feel terrible for going by harping on about it for weeks/months before they leave - that, I agree, is a bad idea. I'd say be yourself, try not to howl (apart from anything it's exhausting) but dont beat yourself up if you shed a few tears in front of your son - just try not to make a scene and try not to make a habit of it. I think its a really good idea to organise distractions for the immediate aftermath of a departure. I always try to get about halfway through a good novel before my daughter comes home, then leave it to finish after she leaves. For me, chocolate is good! You have other children? Arrange some activities with them for the days after your son leaves. Dont stress about how you are going to cope, you'll be surprised how you come through. And you will visit him out there, I'll bet my boots on it. Remember, the road goes both ways. Edited January 6, 2014 by Fisher1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandra Farrimond Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 I can feel your pain ...This is the first time i have been on a forum so its all a bit new to me. My 27 year old son emigrates to Oz on Wednesday and my heart is breaking i am going to miss him so much i am holding it together at the moment but i can feel my emotions building . I feel like i am grieving and can feel my heart aching when i think of him not here anymore . I know it happens to lots of parents and just hope by reading others experiences that i may find some comfort . I want whats best for him and to be happy , but i will miss him so much i feel so miserable and down at the moment like i will never smile again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ptp113 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 As I write this my heart is breaking as my dear son is moving to Australia in August. I would not stop him going but am struggling to know how to deal with the feelings I have - it feels like a bereavement. I don't have much money so visiting will not be possible. It feels like he is just walking away from my life. My friends will soon be fed up with me continually bursting into tears as I hear stories of THEIR offspring getting married and having babies and all not too far away. Yes I'm feeling sorry for myself but want to know how I can feel better and therefore not be such a drudge to my son. Any other mums out there been through it and therefore with wise words of advice? Thanks He will have a better life. And it's his life, not yours Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosiew Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 My husband is the emigrant so I can relate to the issue and help with what NOT to do. When you leave the UK before you are a parent yourself I think you never truly empathize with what your parents feel. You are off on an exciting adventure and you do not have a grip on the depth of their feelings. I think it is important to be honest about how you feel without going over the top into the guilt. It will not stop him going but it will made things hard between you. I know that my mother in law in the UK was never honest about her feelings and this meant that for 30 years it has become apparent through spiteful outbursts at certain times which have done nothing to foster a healthy relationship with her son. I think it will be very difficult when she dies as there will be unresolved tension and guilt between them will likely manifest itself when it is too late to do anything about it. So be supportive and encouraging but it is Ok to be honest that it feels a bit like a bereavement but that you know it is not. Time does help but as the other posters have said, concentrate on the positive things in your life and don't let this eat you up. Hopefully your son will thrive here and be able to afford to bring you over from time to time. Particularly if you buy the tickets in the UK it is not TOO expensive with free accommodation at this end. Best of luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen140977 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Although you are sad, you obviously care enough to let him go. I am leaving my mum and I know she will be heart broken, but I hope she is as supportive as you clearly are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rossmoyne Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 He will have a better life. And it's his life, not yours A tad harsh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bereftmum Posted February 25, 2014 Author Share Posted February 25, 2014 Sandra - my heart goes out to you as I just can't imagine how I will feel when tomorrow is the d ay MY son leaves for Australia. It will be my turn in August and as each month goes by I feel my sense of panic rise. I know I have to let him go and live his own life ( as you know too) but it doesn't lessen the pain of loss. Please do keep posting how you are doing. People have told me it helps to think of things to do for you and to keep busy. For myself, I have applied to the Voluntary Service to see if I can be of help to anyone. Maybe I. Helping them I will also help myself. Please let us know if you find Skype helpful or if you have a cheap phone package (which one?) I'd love to private message you - not sure how as am new to this forum as well. Good luck my dear and be strong. a I can feel your pain ...This is the first time i have been on a forum so its all a bit new to me. My 27 year old son emigrates to Oz on Wednesday and my heart is breaking i am going to miss him so much i am holding it together at the moment but i can feel my emotions building . I feel like i am grieving and can feel my heart aching when i think of him not here anymore . I know it happens to lots of parents and just hope by reading others experiences that i may find some comfort . I want whats best for him and to be happy , but i will miss him so much i feel so miserable and down at the moment like i will never smile again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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