kimpi

It's been over two years now since I posted about my Son emigrating to Perth. It was 20 months before I saw him again when he came back for a visit to the UK last year. That was quite simply an awful 20 months - it all disappeared when I saw my Son at the airport and got to hold him again. 2 months later my hubby and I were fortunate to fly out to Perth for 6 and a half weeks over Christmas (used up most of our holidays for 2 years!), but it was well worth it as we had a wonderful time. It has been a painful journey learning to live without seeing my Son (he left home and country at the same time - big empty nest syndrome). I cried on and off right up until I got to visit him in Perth, and for some reason that settled me. Perhaps seeing that he's doing o.k and he's happy was what I needed, and now I know I can get there having done it once. The goodbyes were dreadful and teary though! I am happy for him - but sad for me. It took me a while to understand that it was possible to be happy for him, but also grieve. I didn't really talk to anyone about it whilst I was going through the worst because no-one really understood what I was feeling and said things that they thought would make me feel better - but actually made me feel worse:) My life has totally changed, there's no doubt about it. I feel different, I don't really feel like the Mum I used to - I feel I have the title and emotions but without the day job - more of a remote job! I love my Son so very much, and I do miss him every day - it's something I've just had to learn to live with whether I wanted to or not. However, saying all that - 2 years down the line what it has done is given myself and hubby time to reflect on what WE want to do - we haven't really ever sat down and thought about it before - and we were a bit shocked to realise that we really had no idea where to start! But it led to this. We are both 55 later this year, and we have decided to take early retirement and do a little travelling ourselves. We have lost a few friends and family who didn't make it to retirement - so this also spurred us on. We'll be spending some time in Australia, hopefully a few months at a time - our good friends live in New York state and we'll be heading out there for a few months too to help them with their new business. The strangest thing was when I discussed all this with my son, and said that we may think of selling our house and moving elsewhere eventually - he got really emotional because I think he thought we'd always be in the same place, and he felt like his 'roots' would be gone. I had to gently remind him that he is pursuing his dreams - so now it's our time to start living ours - and that it didn't matter where we were, we'd always be there for him. I realised that although he wanted to live in Australia, he really loves and misses all the family he left behind. I really feel for all the Mum's who are losing their children to other countries, because that is how it feels - it's a loss. Just know you aren't alone, there are so many of us. It does get easier, it does get bearable .. eventually. xx

.ryuichi... I get it. Totally. Without the support I received here I think I may have reacted similar way myself. Thank goodness for you guys being there at the right time! We all hit those life changing moments that we have no control over ... and depending on what else is happening in our lives can dictate how we respond to it. Don't th I k of it as a weakness... it isn't. We call love our kids which is why we get upset and irrational!! I would love for my son to change his mind.. but he won't. I have to do the chin up and get on with it. Ouch. Plus I have to get great of my family through it too... as they all hurt as well. Life can be a real pain in the ass at times .. x

And ... whilst I am thinking on it... it's truly enlightening to hear from the kids who made the journey and left. So helpful to also hear from your viewpoint. I think anyone from being parent left behind, or child making that decision can look at this thread and get something positive. Hugs to all. X

Thank you all so much for the different perspective and comforting to know I am not the only one who has had to or I is dealing with this. One thing I am realising is that initially it's going to be painful, that first goodbye.... and then comes some sort of acceptance. Along the way will be highs and lows. Right now I am at the start of the journey with all those unpredictable emotions.. oddly I am ok in some ways...and not in others. I will get there I know. I look at my son and I am so proud he is taking charge of his own destiny, but then sad I won't be part of it regularly. Both hubby and I work full time and have good jobs... money to visit isn't an issue thankfully ... but time is!! I have both my parents here in UK who are in late seventies... and given how I feel at the moment wouldn't put them in same situation at this age in their lives... nor in truth do I want to leave them. So am staying put happily for the foreseeable future knowing this is what I want to do. In a few years time it may all be different. But right now I just want to hug my son every day whilst I can and live each day with a smile..... instead of thinking of the goodbye.. you are all such wonderful mums and I thank you for sharing your experiences. Who know...One day I will be able to do the same for another mum who finds herself at day one in this same journey. X

Thank you Pom Queen... the personal attacks were a little unwarranted. However, the other posts I received were really helpful .. I mean that sincerely. It is not going to be any easy few months for my family left behind or for my son. But my son heads off for the unknown and he will be excited and nervous ... and even if I have pain in my heart I will be there for him for every step of the way because I love him unconditionally.

To the following I would like to thank you very much for your helpful insights .... your comments have been hugely helpful and gratefully received. MarisaWright, Quoll, Starlight7, Ramot, RossMoyne, Ryuichi and Que Sera Sera. x

Thank Rossy. My hubby and I are actually talking about our own dreams for the first time in years (you always put your kids needs first!) ... and we both want to do long weekends across Europe, go back to US a few more times (I have visited many times on business but only once for holiday), go skiing once a year ..... and get a new kitchen ..lol. We have good friends in US, Switzerland, France, New Zealand, India ... so we need to do some catching up! We will get to Australia as well obviously

Thank you ...that was a very helpful and insightful post Rossy. It gives a different perspective to consider. Xx

I am not trying to guilt him into staying... and understand his reasons for wanting to go for it. I just had to deal with my own feelings so I can support him. Luckily I am financially secure and if need be... could retire there if I wished in ten or so years...but at this moment it is his dream and not mine. He's a lovely young man and I am very proud of him... I will miss him lots. X

Thanks to all the positive and helpful feedback of parents who have found themselves in same or similar situation. Husbands health depending, once the goodbye is done we will be saving and planning a visit. The goodbye will be painful, but having a positive to concentrate on immediately after will help loads.

This isn't competition on who has had most grief, lost most people close to them... it's a thread about the genuine loss you feel when your child will leave for another country. Please go find a thread that is relevant to your own loss as this one is clearly not for you. Find others who have experienced your own pain who can make supportive and co constructive comments...I hope you don't come across and dismissive and insensitive idiots ... they are out there.

To date...it is the most awful thing I have experienced. So I am reacting to it. Get a grip? I am entitled to feel as I do as a mum who loves her son. I am not stopping him in anyway. And I WILL continue to shelters as I need to. Your words are bitter and I feel for you. You comments are not helpful to anyone...except maybe yourself. Find another thread to let out your angst.

I need to... but my husband had heart issue last year that he is recovering from, and is now waiting for surgery on his shoulder. Once that is all done and he is declared fit...we can plan it. But until then I can't plan a thing..he can't have his shoulder done til Sept earliest due to medication he needs to be on for 12 months. It's all rather a lot to deal with all at once...but there we are. I woke up crying in my sleep last night... I am fed up with feeling like this and am trying to remain upbeat. It is very hard , try as I may to think about other things...my mind goes straight back back to my son. He has a very close relationship with his grandparents who are devastated at him going, but put on a brave face. Speaking to them yesterday I could see that they realise that once he leaves they may never see him again due to their age... that was heartbreak to see...but they still cuddled him and wished him luck. Love them..and am so thankful I have them both close by.

Taking your advice and noisily sobbing while I have the house to myself. I feel like the pain will never end! It's all a bit fresh at the moment and I am struggling to come to terms with it. I have spoken with him today ... calmly and supporting about his plans .. which was really hard but proud of myself for not crying. I love him so dearly and am missing him before he has even left! I phoned my mum and dad ..both in their seventies and they were round like a shot with cuddles and comfort and they are hurting too. Going to try and maintain a happy and positive outlook for the remaining time we have ... we are having our first ski trip as a family in March ... so chance to create more happy memories. I am fast running out of tissues.

I found out yesterday that my only son is emigrating to Australia ... and I've never felt so upset about anything ever. I am so sad, but happy for him too. I understand why he wants to go and will support him ... but as his Mum, the pain I'm feeling about him not being here is the most awful thing I've ever experienced. Who knew it was possible to shed so many tears. I can see from this thread I am not alone in how I feel, but wish there was someone 'real' I could share these feelings with. I think I need to be honest with him that I feel sad about not being with him, but would never stand in his way and I support his choice.